Don't make me use my handbag!
Monday, September 29, 2003
Let's get the sad news out of the way first.
I found out today that two old Hollywood legends have died. Elia Kazan directed the incredible 'On the Waterfront', starring Marlon Brando, and also the famous 'A Streetcar Named Desire' film *and* stageplay, not to mention THE ex-communist who narked on others during the McCarthey-era HUAC 'trials'. He was also FF Coppola's first choice to play Hyman Roth in The Godfather Part II. And also Donald O'Connor, who I only knew as Cosmo Brown in 'Singin' in the Rain' - yep, he's 'Making 'Em Laugh' up in heaven. :-(
So that's sad. Wet weather news. Now the only way this blog entry can go is up up up, baby!
So, firstly, a reply to Abigail. Thanks for tha recognize on your blog... and I think a lot of lecturers really like it when you disagree with them - go for it! It's cool that you had a good (tho tired) day... just like I promised. :-P And thanks for the encouraging comment - you too, Louise.
Which reminds, at http://www.theonering.net they have a copy of the latest lord of the rings trailer (out TOMORROW in cinemas), as well as a frame-by-frame analysis with photos. It is totally drool-worthy. Even better than the new Matrix trailer (course, that says more about the Matrix trailer, since I'm not a big fan).
And Phil! Hi! Glad to know you read my blog! Some good wisdom in that comment there... cheers. I'll keep you guys updated on the prayer haps when I remember them (or you ask me!)
Well, I'm trying to upload some more photos, and I think I may have (see the link above). They're all from the Eddie Izzard gig I went to, so if you don't like him, stay away. There's only five. I'll let y'all know if there are any more.
Let's talk about prayer, baby.
Because it's on my heart. I'm not a prayer naturally (well... okay, could make theological arguments against that, but let's ignore that for now). I mean, I like to pray throughout the day, but I find it a struggle to get into prolonged prayer. I wonder if that's a guy thing - say what we mean and then that's it. :-) Anyway, I've often found 1 o'clock (and 12) prayer to be a struggle, and it's only gotten a little easier. So naturally, that is going to be something that God will want to work on in me.
And so He has been. At Design weekend (19th-21st), God put it on my heart to pray more - specifically intercessory prayer and spiritual warfare stuff, so yeah, full on. So starting today, Dave and I have set regular daily devotional times (by the way, Dave is such a blessing to me, I'm so glad I have him as such a close (in both senses) friend. He always comes up with these kinda things, he rocks). And we're accountable to each other. A little challenging, yes, but very exciting. And so far, we're both 1 for 1. :-)
Of course, given my past, one of the first things I prayed for was the strength and the commitment to stick to these times. And prayer itself was a blessing, but today's Streams in the Desert devotional reading was incredible. So, once again, here comes the please-don't-sue-me-for-copyright-breach-segment. Check this:
September 29
I am a man of prayer (Psalm 109:4)
All too often we are in a "holy" hurry in our devotional time. How much actual time do we spoend in quiet devotion on a daily basis? Can it be easily measured in minutes? Can you think of even one person of great spiritual stature who id not spend much of his time in prayer? Has anyone ever exhibited much of the spirit of prayer who did not devote a great deal of time to prayer?
George Whitfield, the English preacher who was one of the leading figures in the eighteenth-century American revival known as the Great Awakening, once said, "I have spent entire days and weeks lying prostate on the ground, engaged in silent or spoken prayer." And the words of another person, whose life confirmed his own assertion, were these: "Fall to your knees and grow there."
It has been said that no great work of literature or sciencce has ever been produced by someone who did not love solitude. It is also a fundamental principle of faith that no tremendous growth in holiness has ever been achieved by anyone who has not taken the time frequently, and for long periods, to be alone with God.
"Come, come," He calls you, "O soul oppressed and weary,
Come to the shadows of My desert rest;
Come walk with Me far from life's noisy discords,
And peace will breathe like music in your breast."
Wow. That's so... wow. For those of you who don't engage in regular prayer time, I'd like you to take this journey with me. And be accountable to someone about it. I can just sense that this is going to be the start of something goood.
Sunday, September 28, 2003
Just a quick note...
To let all who read this everyday (clap clap) or more often (you know who you are) that I am alive and well. Just not in the mood for blogging. Which is not to say in a bad mood, I'm in a good mood. Just not in the mood for blogging. Which is ironic, because I'm almost on my third line here. Yimminy. I might as well update people quickly...
The ball on Friday was cool, as was Nicola's 21st last night, did a bit of study yesterday, but worried at how easy it was (well, not worried worried...) Worked a little on the script for our up-and-coming short film, worked a little on someone else's short film for the Cutting Edge Oscars (cell group video night). Aaand... ate and slept. And other important bodily functions. Ciao for now,
Your Russian Lover,
Sam
Saturday, September 27, 2003
Here's an interesting link.
New Zealand News - NZ - Ice cap meltdown warning
Huh. I have an interesting taste in news items.
Friday, September 26, 2003
Ooh! RotK pre-trailer!
Go here to find it and a shot-by-shot description! Nuff said, really. It's taking years and years of pain and suffering to download.
Updated - try it now, bud-babe.
Thursday, September 25, 2003
Slight change in things...
And you might notice a new link - but don't worry: I'll let you know when I update it and with what! Currently there are two photos in there: One of me, one of Me, Katie, Dave and Michelle. Enjoy!
Here's something I've been pondering
If - if - I ever become famous (possible, and it'd be nice, but my opinions and possibilities on that are definitely changing), someone will dredge this blog up for the viewing public. That's the same of anyone with a blog. Firstly, HI to whoever that person is, hope you have nice happy motives and all. And secondly... I don't care. Two years ago, in my pre-Christian years (heck, even sooner), I would have not dared to display my private thoughts to people. I was ashamed of myself (and yet, I so wanted to share myself with somebody who could show me how to become a better person). Now, I feel so much better. I used to be so scared of things... the police, my parents, teachers, friends... now I feel I have nothing to hide, and that is so liberating. Just something I thought I'd mention.
Actually, it's surprising how much more self-assured I've become over the past couple of years. Sure, some of that was definately to do with just maturing in general, but I reckon it's deeper than that too. I'm all itchy, I reckon Persil is bad for me. Sorry, stream-of-consciousness.
Lah-di-da. This week has been mega peaceful. Sure, I've worried about my assignment, and my negotiation, and (gasp! :-) ) the CE Oscars. But... since Design Weekend, I've had this great sense of peace, which rocks. And it's not just me, I've talked to heaps of others who have that same feeling - an overwhelming peace, and a feeling that we ought to be more worried about things. It's odd, but very cool. Like a novelty ice-cube.
Ding Dong, Bing Bong!
The witch is dead, which old witch? The wicked witch! Okay, not quite. Buuut I wanted to say that I found out something cool about that clock song. You know, when it gets to midday or 1 o'clock, and those big clocks chime (Bong bong bong bong... bong bong bong bong - y'know???) It's called the Westminster Quarters, and these are the lyrics:
"Oh, Lord our God
Be thou our guide
That by thy help
No foot may slide."
Isn't that cool? No wonder we have prayer in front of the clock-tower! :-)
In other news (thanks to Lou for her comment on yesterday's post, and I second Abbey's for this morning's!) Rachel Barnes sent me an e-mail saying that Derek Prince has just died, at 88. Which is sad, but isn't all death? Yeah. From what I've read, he led an awesome life, so good on him.
Just thought you might wanna see this kick-ass Return of the King image...
It's cool. Slight spoiler if you haven't read the books. But most importantly, that was where I did my one-shot filming as a Rohan soldier, a little away from that dead... thing (I won't spoil it if you don't want to look at the picture). I'll tell you what, though, man did it look realistic! None of that was CG! That image is gonna have to replace the sweet pic of Tom Cruise as The Last Samurai on my desktop. Still, Tommy did look pretty cool, and different from usual... oh well, Rings is the trump. See ya, Tommy-boy.
Wednesday, September 24, 2003
Man, laame!
I haven't posted the last two days in the hope that someone would comment. Well, not just because of that. I guess everyone's as busy as me, though.
You know the worst way to feel when you're busy? Relaxed! I'm sooo darn relaxed right now, it's really stressing me out. Okay, that was kind of a joke, but it's true. After the extreme stress of the last two weeks, and the amazing spirituality this weekend, I really don't care about the 20% assignment I have due in 6 days or less. And I don't know if I should... I really feel like not worrying about it, because I know I'll have enough time to do it... and that feels right. Like God's saying, take it easy, I'll give you the time. Which is awesome, and stands up to His word, and it's a blessing, but it's a weird one! It's a blessing that I'm worried about receiving. Kinda like a free ticket on a bungy jump. So mmm. Still, it gives me time to plan for the ball (which took me under an hour) and the Oscars (which I kinda *am* stressing about). That interests me.
Here's something else that interests me. It's a rule I hardly ever compromise that I don't respond to those forwards. You all know the ones I mean. Even the Christian ones, because I don't think they're good at all. I have a couple of friends who send them every now and then, especially this one girl, bless her heart, and its good to know they care. But you can't be controlled by those kinda things. Anyway, got an interesting one today, that has me scratching my head. I notice a couple of you readers got it too, so I'd appreciate some input:
"CBS will be forced to discontinue "Touched by an Angel" for using the word God in every program. Madeline Murray O'Hare, an atheist, successfully managed to eliminate the use of Bible reading from public schools a few years ago. Now her organization has been granted a Federal Hearing on the same subject... If this attempt is successful, all Sunday worship services being broadcast on the radio or by television will be stopped. This group is also campaigning to remove all Christmas programs and Christmas carols from public schools! You, as a Christian can help! We are praying for at least 1 million signatures."
Now, this is interesting for lots of reasons. If it's true, it's pretty shocking, and I'd consider signing, BUT I don't think my signature would do any good. If it's not true, then it's a pretty bad thing for someone to be doing. If the first part is true but the second isn't (IE TBAA is cancelled but Christmas and worship services are not), then it's still bad and melodramatic. But like I said, freaky. Thoughts?
I'm off to bed, got a bit of a headache. Cell group was *too* fun tonight. :-)
Tuesday, September 23, 2003
Ooh, I'm tired now!
And to think, I was planning on going to 6am prayer. So close, and yet, suddenly so busy. But it's cool, it's real cool. Things are cool, it's all under control; not *my* control, but under control. I can't actually say what I've done today, because I've forgotten. A lot. And I'm doing a lot tomorrow. In fact, my next free night is going to be next Monday. I have something on every night until then. Wooh! It never stops 'round here.
Which means I should probably get some kip. But before I do, I wanted to show you something... ever wondered about me? Wait, that's not what I meant. Ever wondered about the handbag thing (see the title of this blog)? Well, here's where it was born. You'll see my friend and mentor Vic Reeves on the left of his erstwhile companion Bob Mortimer, performing what can only be described as a textbook illustration of the deadly handbag raise. This daring maneuver can be withstood by only the hardiest of hardy men... it is a glorious sight to see. The power... the sheer power within that technical gesture... it staggers one to think of it.
In other news, thanks to Katie for her tip in my latest comment box... I have bookmarked it, and hopefully one day I will get around to putting some photos up there. Hopefully.
Good night all!
Monday, September 22, 2003
Your mind - blow it.
That's what's happened to me. Pop! Snap! Crackle! But in a good way, yo? Everything is and has been FULL ON. That describes it well. I guess it all began on Friday (flash-back wavey sound effects)...
Anyway, so I did my assignment and I was out! Like, spaced out. Handed it in and I was in a weird confused mood. All I had known for that week was the assignment, really. Then whhhooof! Into the real world again. So that was nice. Now we went off to camp. What can I say about that. Heaps! I could write so much, but I'm still processing it all. I think someone (Rachel?) said it best when she said that she tried to find one time that wasn't good and couldn't. The only thing I could add to that was that I wish so many more people had been there to experience it. I can't even describe why it was awesome!
But I'll try. :-) Lessee, first and foremost (Farley Flavor's fabulous fast foods feed and fortify familes for a fantastic future), I guess it was the whole God-Me thing that rocked. I just felt so much closer and on a new level (cliche alert!) than I have been, which was nice. And that and Sunday night's service (about S to the E to the X) really helped me on a whole Me-Me level (I had a 'bit' of unforgiveness to deal with last night, that's all good and gone). Then there was the whole Me-Others level, which was partly socialising and partly more than that...
So yeah, I'm on a high, as are a lot of us at the moment, yeah? Neurotic ol' me, I have to keep proclaiming proverbs 10:22 over my life - "the blessing of the Lord makes one rich, and He adds no sorrow with it. I always get worried about the lows that come after the highs, but not this time, oh no. I refuse.
That's me on this sunny/overcast/threatning rain Monday morning, ready to face the world, ready to get back into studying, ready to... ooh, ready to shave, better do that! But I'm-a stepping out in faith and in the Spirit, and I'm not letting go!
Ooh, one more thing I want to mention (there's always one more thing): Thanks. You guys all rock and I love you all. I've had so much positive input from my friends (you guys) lately, and that is awesome. I only pray that I can return the favour (plus interest!)
Bless you all. -S
Friday, September 19, 2003
Ahahahaha! Oh man!
New Scientist That is the second funniest website I ever saw in the whole of today! The first being my internet banking site, yikes.
So I think I got some sleep last night, maybe up to 6 hours, which is great news - means I can probably go on the camp this weekend! Of course, I'll have to buy some tissues and some sleeping pills (if I can afford to), and pray that I get a good room, but that's all beside the point.
Finished my family file, but no big sense of relief for a change. Maybe because with something that's 87 pages long, it's hard not to feel like I can do better. Or maybe because I've still got work to do. Or maybe I'll get it once I've handed it in. How do you staple something that big??? I'll try and get it bound.
La di dah. I'm actually in quite a good mood, which is nuts but good (no duh!). Oh, it's Celia's 21st birthday today, happy birthday babe - not that I think you ever read this. If I did, I'd probably write more, but it's not worth it otherwise. :)
Do you know Qantas is advertising flights to LA for $498! Round trip?! I paid like, $1700 when I went two years ago, man! That's cheaper than it used to be to go to Australia a month ago! Of course, now *that*'s down to $98, so whoa. Crazy.
Okay, I'm off now, got to get changed. Have a nice day, and if I don't post again before 5, a nice weekend! Maybe see you on Sunday? Actually, I'll see most of you tonight, so hmm. I really need to tell non-Cutting Edgers about my blog. :-P
Thursday, September 18, 2003
Even monkeys know that life is unfair
Even monkeys know that life is unfair
Hehe. Just got a kick out of this. Reminds me of the Goblin King Jareth ( :-P) in response to Sarah's "it's not fair!":
"You keep saying that... I wonder what your basis for comparison is."
Odd... a mid-day update. 'sup wit dat?
Still sick. Worse, I slept from 8:15 to 9:15 this morning. Got to bed at 11:30. I spent 9 hours trying to sleep. Three hours of lectures today; I'm skipping them all. I was worried about one, so I actually e-mailed my lecturer, she said it'd be okay.
In fact, I could see this leading into a depressive state... so I'm gonna stop that right there. See, I'm talking about it already - sure it's only online, but that's a pretty good start!
I'm actually procrastinating a bit. Don't want to finish the File. But I will! I figured that finishing it would be the end of a three week stretch of stress and work... but not quite! At 2pm on the 30th I'll have finished my main internal assessment.
Something I was thinking about in the shower (which was hot this morning, thanks guys!) was that rant I had last night. I've always had weird things I've liked and disliked, but I wouldn't like them for no good reason. For example, '99-00 I was a big fan of pro wrestling. No-one else was. I don't watch it any more, but partly because it's not as good as it once was. I maintain that when it is good, it is great. And that's enough for me. But I also have this need to share... I think everyone does, but if there's something I derive great pleasure from, I want other people to know about it. And I respect that my idea of fun is not everyone's 'thing', but I despise closed-mindedness.
I don't know why, though. I can't explain it. But it just seems wrong to me. That's why (take note) if you ever called me closed-minded, I'll get very upset (if I think you're wrong - if I think you're right, then I'll do a lot of soul-searching). That's what my mother called me over the holidays, and that hurt. I think there's a fine-line between closed-mindedness and having beliefs. As humans (not just as Christians), we need beliefs, it's true.
Actually, I don't want to talk about that any more. Memories of the holidays aggravate me.
So I'm back here. 12:30, ready to work, sick and tired and stressed - and yet less burdened for sharing. I'm going to pray before I study - prayed with Dave for 5 mins last night, bless him, I'd completely forgotten how important it is when stressed. Of course, we prayed that I'd sleep well and he wouldn't get sick, and both those were extremely wrong, but okay. God's way is higher than my own - what doesn't kill us only makes us stronger, right?
I only hope it doesn't kill me. ;-)
Wednesday, September 17, 2003
Blog? Blargh!
Because I'm sick. From Jeremy via Penny via Lydia. Apparantly our flat's love language is 'infection'. Grrreat! I reckon I got it cos I've been pretty stressed about work and stuff lately. Plus lack of sleep for the same reason. Or maybe lack of sleep because I've been battling this cold? I dunno. Anyway, terrible sleep last night (I know, moan moan). Shockingly sore throat too. I don't know why I hate not getting to sleep so much. I get so angry when I can't sleep, which is totally... I dunno. Counterproductive, I guess.
So last night was cool - finished Lydia's (well, Jess and Mike's, I guess!) cell's film, it was a crack-up. Of course, I hardly worked on it, because that might bias me. But it's good, fun. Tried to freak Penny out by putting the gravestone we have in our garden outside her window and lightly tapping on it. She came out the door, so we tried it with Jeremy. He was upstairs. I taped the whole thing, wot a laugh!
Anyway, so good night last night, yay. Woke up at 8 this morning to get some study in before my test at 11. Test went okay, but the lecturer was all tricksy and 'this is one of those multichoice questions where there's more than one right answer and you lose marks for the wrong answer'-y. Well, it's over with now, nothing I can do. In two days, my Family File will be finished, Halellujah! This stupid assignment is worth 5 points of my degree, and it's a killer! Well, it's not stupid, it's a good idea, to be honest, but streeeessfull!
Prayer was good. Went to 1 instead of 12, because I could, and I was in town at 12. Bunch of people prayed for my sickness, and I immediately felt so much better, it was incredible! The sick feelings slowly came back (after 3 or 4 hours), but it was a blessed relief, that's for sure. Much appreciated. Cell Group tonight was a very quiet one... only a few people, so they just went out in the van to visit Rach and Katie's cell. I wanted to go with them, but I have no strength. Hope they have fun!
So, good news... this blog has been a bit of a downer, so we'll whip out the good news. Oh yeah, well, the assignment is almost done, as I said... then I've only got a lab report due (in 12 days - can't even remember what it's on!)... all I can say is Praise God that He's brought me through this minefield in one piece... one peace. Design Weekend is this weekend, that'll rock! More so if I'm well and I can sleep well there! Then the ball next weekend...
I'm kinda struggling for good news, it seems. That's not cos things are bad, but because it's been so hard to think about anything but the work I've got to do, so hard to look beyond that. So hard to look to God when things are this busy, I'm finally realising that. Something to work on. Eek, I said the 'w' word! :-) I'm just going to wait expectantly with this one.
So there is one thing that I've deliberately failed to mention. I got the new Bowie CD today. I can almost hear your groans. And that's why I haven't mentioned it 'til now. I know most of you don't like David Bowie. But do you know why? Have you given him a chance? Yeah yeah, ignore my rants. It's just that I find misinformed prejudice one of the most disgusting things. Especially artistically. I'm not asking you to like him, or listen to him. This isn't even about David Bowie, this is about you. Some people out there need to examine themselves a little bit more. There is a reason David Bowie is one of the most (if not the most) respected and influential musicians alive. If you're going to put him into a box, you'd better have a damn good reason.
With that out of the way (phew), how do I find the album? Well, on first listening it doesn't flow as well as it could. But I think that's somewhat intentional - it aims to capture the essence of urban reality, specifically in present-day Manhattan. Bowie has basically plunged down to the hard concrete streets with this one - not in an angry way (a la Tin Machine), but in a very self-reflective way. He is very aware of his own mortality and that, for all his searching, he still hasn't found his place. It's an existentialist album, with a drop of agnosticism.
Musically, it's great. Some cool tunes - most unfortunately non-replicable on a 6-string - with some real, as DB puts it, 'thrust'. Some smooth jazzy numbers (Bring Me the Disco King), some slow, jaggedly honest tracks (The Loneliest Guy), but overall a sort of eclectic pop-rock feel. Compared to his previous album, this is grittier and less haunting. Guess that's why it's called 'reality'.
Here's an excellent (NY TIMES) review, recommended for all who want a second opinion David Bowie Returns to Earth (Loudly).
I need to listen to it some more. I would, but Dave's back. Maybe on low volume. :-) See y'all later!
Monday, September 15, 2003
What an incredibly disappointing morning!
No copies of Reality (the album, not the... yeah.) in Dunedin yet, and no word on when! Probably this week! That deserves a full-on 'grah'. GRAH! There y'go.
In other news, the survey results are in over the long-running competition between me and Sodium, and they may very well surprise you. Don't worry, I'm demanding a recount, and my team will never surrender!
Still sleeping badly, and I can't quite work out why. I think last night, judging by the aches and pains in my neck, I must have slept standing on my head with one leg climbing up the wall and one trying to open the window, while I tried to take a bite out of my own Adam's apple in my sleep. In fact, I'm certain of that fact. Y'know, I got hit in the Adam's apple once. Girls won't realise this, but that is one of the most painful things, second only to that-other-area-guys-don't-like-to-be-hit-in. It felt like someone was trying to force-feed me a porcupine who was holding a broken bottle. Maybe they were. Apparantly you can kill someone by hitting that point. Yup. Crushes their windpipe. I read it somewhere.
Yes, of course I read!.
If there's one thing studying family law has taught me, it's that I should never get a divorce (there's some shocking news). Too much paperwork. And get a pre-nup. Better still, I should never get married. But then, I shouldn't enter into a de facto either. Best to swear of girls altogether. And boys, I could have a de facto with them too. Hmm, I wonder if apostate priests and nuns have to give up half of what they own to God. Oh wait, half of nothing is... er... carry the one... not much.
I'm going to leave you now, but I'll be back tomorrow. Say a prayer for me, and always remember that the difference between a horse and a cow is the same as the difference between a duck.
Sunday, September 14, 2003
Why am I so tired now? Why so tired lately?
Je ne sais pas. Ah, pas de tout. Alors - ou est la plume de ma tante? Thank you very much, I'll be here all my life.
I got an e-mail today. I'm glad I got this e-mail. It's a reply to that heeeavy blog the other day. Friday night's. I won't identify the writer, because he/she may not want me to. But I thank them. It's encouraging to know that I'm not alone in feeling like this - and I think that's the same about a lot of things. There are so many things that we keep secret, and we shouldn't. The writer of this e-mail pointed out that the tendency to want to solve things by myself (which I have often struggled with, so excellent point!) can definately be my downfall. Hopefully by writing what I did the other day, I'll be more inclined to find someone to talk to (or at least, pray for someone to talk to!) the next time.
Revelations 12:11 was prophesied over me, at a time I was feeling depressed... "and they overcame him (the devil) by the blood of the Lamb and by the word of their testimony..." The person who said it thought that it was to encourage me to use my testimony as a tool more, but my first thought - which I think is true - is that it meant that a lot of my problems would be overcome by talking about them. I wonder if this blog counts as a word of my testimony. :) But this is true. If you ever think something's wrong, and I say I don't want to talk about it, please mention this Scripture. I'll thank you for it later. If you remind me. :-)
Not many people know this - well, some do - but the short film I made this year is not my first attempt at creating a film I'm proud of. Two years ago, I wrote and storyboarded a 1 hour film. Jeremy and I started making it, but technical constraints (non-linear editing) got the better of us. We *could* do it now, but it's not something I want to make anymore. Why am I mentioning it? Because a) I reckon it really is very clever, funny and artistic (yeah yeah, modest huh?) and b) I find it an incredible snapshot into my pre-Christian life, because the main character is basically me. If anyone wants to know more, I'd be happy to share, but not here.
The character in it is driven to suicide and madness by various forces beyond his control, and one of the songs that really got to me was a Bowie song (TOMORROW!) called 'Rock and Roll Suicide' - a very very famous song in its time. It was going to be in the film, too. The difference is in the climax of the song - the singer Ziggy (Bowie) feels the pain of the person in the song and ministers to him or her. I reckon one of the reasons it was so popular was because of this offer of hope from one so many people looked (look) up to - and it's such a REAL song. It shows the power we have to influence and help - it appealed to me from that side too. So let's have a look:
ROCK AND ROLL SUICIDE
Time takes a cigarette, puts it in your mouth
You pull on your finger, then another finger, then your cigarette
The wall-to-wall is calling, it lingers, then you forget
Ohhh, you're a rock 'n' roll suicide
You're too old to lose it, too young to choose it
And the clocks waits so patiently on your song
You walk past a cafe but you don't eat when you've lived too long
Oh, no, no, no, you're a rock 'n' roll suciide
Chev brakes are snarling as you stumble across the road
But the day breaks instead so you hurry home
Don't let the sun blast your shadow
Don't let the milk float ride your mind
They're so natural - religiously unkind
Oh no love! you're not alone
You're watching yourself but you're too unfair
You got your head all tangled up but if I could only make you care
Oh no love! you're not alone
No matter what or who you've been
No matter when or where you've seen
All the knives seem to lacerate your brain
I've had my share, I'll help you with the pain
You're not alone
Just turn on with me and you're not alone
Let's turn on with me and you're not alone
Let's turn on and be not alone
Gimme your hands cause you're wonderful
Gimme your hands cause you're wonderful
Oh gimme your hands.
------------------------------------------------------
Looking at that now, I wonder if that last bit 'Just turn on with me and you're not alone' is Bowie acknowledging that he wants to be with each of his listeners and help them, but he can't, but he hopes that they can be comforted by his music. Hmm. Classic song.
I don't think there's any more I can or want to say about this morbid business. I went from open to introspective to reflexive. Lets get back to weird tomorrow, hmm? But since I like everyone to take something away from everything I write (even if it is just the meaning of 'tongue-in-cheek'), here's two things: First, the selfish one: I'd love if you could all encourage me as I seek to talk about my troubles more. Second, the encouraging one: talking about your issues almost always helps more than it hurts. I love helping people, even if it's just listening. Feel free to call me or e-mail me.
Wow. That's over. That was an amazingly intense few days of words. A lot to write and read. Don't be scared, it'll probably get quiet now, what with all my study. This weeks going to be expensive, too! Let's see... Design Weekend Camp this coming w/e, ball ticket, Bowie CD... $30 + $30 +33... gulp. Guess it'll be another week of pies for lunch! B-)
Here's a crazy link.
You've got to be kidding me. Pretty little thing. Nothing to say, just that link. Iiiinteresting news.
I wonder how many thoughts I've wasted by thinking them just before I sleep.
You know, some nights I lie awake thinking about what to write in this blog, what to do with it. I sometimes come up with elaborate plans that span more than one entry. But I have never actually implemented them. Not once. Everything you see me write is spontaneous - that could be good or bad.
Last night's blog, for example. As I said, I'd planned to write something else. Something about how good my day was, or maybe some rant on emotions. But that's not what I wrote. I don't regret writing what I wrote; I don't ever like regretting anything. I like to stand by what I say, within reason. So what's my point?
Heh, guess I don't have one. That's the joy of stream-of-consciousness dialogue, it never goes anywhere. My ears really hurt. Went to see Jesse's cover band do their final gig at the Outback. Haven't been there for AGES. I remember why. It's sad to see him go, wish I knew him better. Here's something you may or may not know about me - one of the hardest things for me to do is say goodbye. Even to someone I hardly know. Just the thought that the good times we had and could have had are gone. Forever. That kills me. When Michelle and Julie left in June, that was hard. It's gonna be so hard at the end of this year with the few - but really important - people who are leaving. You know who you are. The end of next year... whew. I just pray that God has me prepared for that.
I'm a people person, I guess. And yet, I'm quite happy being alone sometimes. I need it. Not just because no-one will hang around while I practice guitar, either! That's the same for everybody, though. One of the great paradoxes of creation - it is not good for man to be alone; and yet, man *needs* to be alone at times. To be with God, or just to clear his head. I wish I could control that, y'know... when those moods take me. Like, sometimes I'm with a bunch of people and I suddenly feel like being alone... that's usually when I start to gaze off into space and stop talking. Contrarily, sometimes I get real lonely and need to be with people. Come to think of it, it makes things more exciting not knowing when I'll feel like that. Which is fun.
Man. What's with the 'getting to know Sam' blogs lately? Talk about egoistic. I think it's because I'm so used to not talking about 'my feelings', it's real good to get it all out. Heck, maybe one day, I'll be able to do it in person! Gasp! It cannot be! Funny how I'd prefer not to talk like this one-on-one but I quite happily spread it across the internet. I must look into why that is some day.
Before I go, shout-outs: Abbey, Louise, Rachel, Brendan, Katie, Penny: those I know read yesterday's post. Thanks for readin', hope you enjoyed! Thanks for supporting me, either vocally or implicitly.
It's real cool to know that people care enough to read not only my weird posts, but my open-heart-surgery-confessional type posts. Makes me feel all gooey. Like flour paste.
Friday, September 12, 2003
What a day... what a week.
Woke up this morning feeling great. Whistled a happy tune in the gorgeous sun all the way to uni (okay, I was singing, I admit!) Saw an old friend in the union, whom I greeted. She didn't respond, so I tried again then asked if she was okay. No, she wasn't. Her cousin had just killed himself. It leaves you stunned to hear that. Y'know, I've never had anyone really close to me die, let alone kill themself. I don't know if I could handle that. And when people say 'why would someone do that', I have nothing to say. Because I know why. I can't express it, but I can admit it - I have felt that. And that's scary, scary to say and scary to hear. Worse is the fact that I've felt that recently.
I wouldn't disrespect you if you wanted to stop reading this right now. Things are going to get a little personal.
I don't know how many people have had that feeling; I know even less who are willing to talk about it. This is something that maybe needs to be said. If you want to talk about spiritual things - which I admit I am still not comfortable with - I have been delivered from a spirit of suicide, among others. And those things have been so much better since then - but never gone, not permanently. I'm not a depressive. I'm a happy person, I think. Perhaps sometimes a little introspective for my own good, but at worst I'm moody. But sometimes it can get out of hand so quickly, for no reason you can see.
In case you're freaking out, I'm not the type who would kill himself. Okay, I take that back, maybe there isn't a 'type'. But knowing myself as well as I hope I do (admittedly not 100% accurately), I couldn't do that. In the past, basically all my life, I wouldn't have for two reasons; firstly because I was brought up to believe that that would condemn one immediately to eternal damnation (something I doubt now); and secondly because I knew how hard it would be for those around me. That's it. At the time, you don't think 'good things are around the corner'. It's like being burned at the stake with a pistol in your hand - the pain is so intense, you gotta end it. And I believe I'll feel that again sometime, probably within the next 6 months.
Once again, I need to stress that this isn't me. Yes, this is something of what I - and I'm sure more others that we all think - have felt at some stage. Nowadays when I get that feeling I wait. Usually by jumping into bed and crying myself to sleep. If I wait, the feeling will shrink and reason will prevail. If I act, in any way, I don't know what will happen. It's not reasonable, it's insane. It's excruciating. It feels like clawing my way out of a deep dark well. But it happens.
There isn't any reason to kill yourself. And yet, for that moment, that's all there is.
So what's the answer? I've spoken out about how I feel sometimes, how I get over it. I don't know. I DON'T KNOW. I almost feel as if it's my duty to work something out, to contribute to stopping this problem. But for once, I can't solve this puzzle. What can stop an ordinary person from going insane and acting drastically? I wish to God I knew.
Naively, I would say 'love'. The love of anyone; friend, family, church... and yes, that would help - if it were everpresent. At that moment, love would help. But at that moment, the pain blinds you to almost everything, even talking to someone; anyone. Perhaps if those people who could identify themselves as having these feelings could be trained in how to react - or as in my case, not to react. Oh, Lord, I don't know!
Yes, this hurts me. No, I don't know what I'll do about it. Yes I do. I'll wait on the Lord. If He wants me to help somehow, He will provide. If He just wants me to learn to cope with these feelings myself, He will strengthen me. He will never, NEVER give me more than I can handle; and that is something I can and will declare when I need to.
*PLEASE READ THIS PARAGRAPH*
So to wrap up, those with any thoughts on the matter, please feel free to e-mail me or to comment.
Those who have misunderstood me and are concerned for my own safety - please don't worry. As REM said, Everybody Hurts. Don't think of me as Suicidal Sam, that's being way too extreme. I'm just commenting on this because I believe people need to hear it for themselves.
Those who have had feelings similar to mine, and are concerned about them, please contact me; you need to talk about them.
To those who love me and feel sympathy for my pain - I thank you. But I neither need, desire or hope for pity. To be honest, sympathy embarrasses me, though I really know it shouldn't. I'm the same happy person you've always known, not someone who needs special help or care.
If you're worried that I'm still feeling these feelings, I'm not. I haven't for months. When I next do, I will make every effort to talk to someone; anyone.
So that's that. That wasn't what I was planning on talking about, to be honest, and I'm quite confident that publishing this will have results that aren't good for me. Some people might talk, some people might stop reading my blog because "it's really not as funny as it used to be." Some people may still freak out and worry about me. Some won't respect me any more. Some people might even stop loving me. But that's okay. Even if I haven't helped anyone with this single entry, that's okay. Why? Not "because this is my damn blog and I'll do what I like with it." Close. Because this is me. This is what I think, how I think, how I feel. This is something I want to talk about. This is honesty. If this is ugly talk, ugly thinking, then let me be ugly. Jesus loves my ugliness - my friends do too. So do I.
And I love you guys, whoever you are. And I love life. And I love struggling with my tribulations.
God Bless.
Wow
I bet the new phrase among bees is 'busy as a Sam'! Which means I don't have time to write much... but seriously, I thought *last* term was busy? Wrargh was I wrong! Everything is piling up into a few weeks here - good things and bad things! Bad things you know about - tests and assignments (which I'm {barely} on top of) and *other bits*. Good things: new Bowie CD on Monday ohmanican'twait; Pirates of the Caribbean last night manthatrockedtheparty; new kill bill trailer online gottaseeitgottaseeit; Christian Bale is the new Batman yayayayaythepsychowillfly!; new Tim Burton movie apparantly rocks woohooanditstarsstevebuscemi...
Okay, getting a bit frantic. And running out of time. But yeah, things are very... er... interesting. ;-)
Have a Nice Day~!!!
Thursday, September 11, 2003
So tired...
Ah, sleep. The bane of my life. It's weird how I can never sleep well right before a test. Actually, it's not really, it makes sense. 30% test today, 25% essay tomorrow, not to mention the negotiation. And then there's next week. I feel so... well, I was going to say drained, but that's not right. Guess I'll just be optimistic then.
Nothing else is really going on. So, bye!
Wednesday, September 10, 2003
BBC NEWS | Entertainment | Bowie thrills crowd with cinema gig
BBC NEWS | Entertainment | Bowie thrills crowd with cinema gig Yeah, Bowie still rocks! Woo!
More scary, and more relevant to most, is this baby. Isn't that scary? Wonder if it'll happen in this country...
So still no comments, which is sad. Got a phone message and msn message from Abbey, which was very nice, but it appears no-one else reads this. No matter, no matter at all. I started off with no audience and I was happy with that!
Heh, I'm really not that upset, y'know. Just teasing. Though it's always nice to know what people think.
Not too much to say really... things still looking up, I reckon. Cell group was real fun tonight (cos we were playing with my camera, hehe). In fact, I reckon I'll leave this here, 'cos I don't have much to say. But be happy, cos I am.
Monday, September 08, 2003
Okay, you get a link today, cos you've been good.
Reuters | Latest Financial News / Full News Coverage But barely! I mean, 4 comments? Hello? Okay, I don't *do* this for the comments (I do it for the money), but I like to be supported when I'm down! Heh, ah well, you live, you learn.
So I'm back in Dunedin now, tired as a brand new car (that wasn't even nearly funny). Was depressed. Yup, depressed. So much went wrong this holiday, so much bad stuff all at once... I should have expected it really, and been able to handle it, but that's easier said than done. Now, I'm still feeling low, emotionally and spiritually, but things are kinda looking up. Actually, I'm kinda looking up, and I'm fully expecting 'things' to follow, amen?
I did end up going to Church on Sunday night, with Charlie... who couldn't find the place! When he got there (Parachute Band were rocking!) the place was packed, so we went to the Street, where my friend goes. That was mellower and much quieter. Then that finished and my other friend left without seeing me! So I said goodbye to Charlie, and went to pick up my car, still at the first church. I decided to see if the Band was still going, and there was my friend, looking for me! So we went inside and listened to Bill English speak for a bit (I still don't know why), and then the band came on for an encore. Ended up having a spider/coke float with this gal and chatting. She's an old school friend, always been a Christian, so I was real keen to talk to her. A few things she said really struck me and got me thinking about stuff... negative stuff. Not about her, but about life, about God.
Anyway, that's just one of the many bad things that happened. People say that when you get attacked from all directions, that's when you realise it's more than a coincidence, but I daresay that wasn't what popped through my head right then. So.
25% essay due on Fri. 30% test on Thurs. Next week's even worse. So this'll be a lil' stressful. And I'm not even *thinking* about exams yet. Groan! Ah, I'll get through it. Come to think of it, the passage from todays 'Streams in the Desert' (a devotional) was very appropriate again:
Psalm 4:1 - thou hast enlarged me when I was in distress.
This... is a statement of thanksgiving for having been set free not *from* suffering but rather *through* suffering... The common touch of humanity that gives the world true kinship is not joy but sorrow - gold is partial to only a few, iron is universal... If you want your sympathy for others to be enlarged, you must be willing to have your life narrowed to certain degrees of suffering... Your life will be enlarged in proportion to the amount of iron you have endured, for it is in the shadows of your life that you will find the actual fulfillment of your dreams of glory.
So that spoke to me
Reckon I'll stop writing now, 'cos otherwise people'll get bored. To sum up - life is hard, but so am I (not to mention my nipples; Dunedin was not this cold when I left!) Love to all.
Yes, even you.
Sunday, September 07, 2003
Saturday, September 06, 2003
Whine! Rhyme-time crime was mine. That's fine.
I got a mild head-ache and I'm tired. I swear my parents must be using decaf. Ah, but I jest. Odd word. Comes from the Latin (via French) "gesta" - past participle, plural of "gestare", to perform. I don't even know what that is... having performed? Performances? I'm getting a bit rusty. I wonder if rusty is somehow related to rustic... no, apparantly not. Ah, words. No wonder they're my love language - or one of two, at least. I'm still happy I'm not stuck with service or gifts... hah! :-) And time, what is that? That's just way out there. No, words and touch rule the world.
Went for a 30 minute walk today with the folks - man, talk about an accomplishment! Just kidding. Off to dinner tonight, that'll be nice. And church tomorra morning, and maybe tomorra night - Parachute Band are playing at the Wellington Elim... not their biggest fan, but I might be in the mood. Especially if that's gonna be my Wellington church (still undecided, haven't been to a youth service so I can't tell which church has the best chicks. I mean, the best, er, the best, well... sigh. Won't compare to my Dunedin gals though, eh?)
Hope everyone's remembered Father's Day tomorrow...
Reckon tomorra night I oughta do a summary of how my holiday's been... It's had ups and downs, but I reckon it's been pretty decent.
Do I overuse ellipses? The ...s. I'm always neurotic about those, cos no-one else uses them. Maybe I should use hypens or semi-colons more. Or maybe I'll invent a use for the tilde as a substitute, and start using the ampersand more often... okay, now I'm showing off. I still can't remember the names for the @ (is it just called the 'at'?), the # (although it's on the tip of my tongue - it's not just the 'hash'), and the ^ (unless that's a circumflex like it is in French. Wait, is that even right?) I wonder if I can be bothered to find out...
Yes.
A few things I found... the thing below the tilde (~) on the keyboard is a grave accent - as in French. But how do you put it above letters? Bewildering.
^ is a circumflex OR a caret.
/ is called a forward slash, a solidus or a virgule (!)
\ can be called a slosh or a reverse solidus.
# is called an octothorpe (that's what I was thinking of!), the pound sign, the number sign, the hex, the square key, the (musical) sharp sign, the cross-hatch, the fence, mesh, gate, grid, pig-pen, or a tic-tac-toe board for little tiny miniature people...
~ is also called a swung-dash!
Further confusion is added by programming slang, where ! is a bang, ` is a push, | is a pipe and / is a whack.
Still can't work out what the @ is called other than 'at' or the 'commercial a'. Any help?
Sam's exams plan. Damn.
LAWS311 Family law Friday 31-Oct-2003 14:30
PSYC323 Sensation and perception Friday 07-Nov-2003 14:30
LAWS463 Legal ethics Thursday 13-Nov-2003 14:30
LAWS454 Negotiation Friday 14-Nov-2003 14:30
PSYC319 Comparative cognition Friday 14-Nov-2003 09:30
Check *that*. Three in a row! Groan. Ah well, that's fine. I thought I might get home earlier, get some work earlier... but that's fine. God planned these times so I gotta rejoice. :-) Well, yeah, easier said, but it's true.
Sunny Saturday. Mmm, nice. Doing something with the family today (second to last day here). Dunno what. As to what happened yesterday... pretty good day, actually! Did quite a bit of study and reading, then went to the school production of Les Mis with Jean... which was great! Not so much the production, but it was awesome to hang out with Beano again. And I'll see her again Sunday morning, hopefully. I'll get her to the church on time! "If I am dancing, then shoot me down. If I am wooing, get her out of toooown! For I'm getting married in the..." you get the drift.
Didn't see a movie yesterday. SHOCK HORROR! Hehe. That could be because I've seen them all. Okay, not quite. All I intend to (NEED to) see.
Didn't update last night because I got in late and was still in a bad mood in the morning from Thursday night (parent trouble). But better now. Like I said earlier - this blog is an interesting 'mood-tracker.' I'm more moody than I seem. :-)
Looking forward to getting back to Dundun, but doing classes again will be weird... and this semester is gonna be soooo busy... the next two weeks are assignment/test packed, then there's all the ball and stuff after that, then theres exams! Wraargh!
AND THERE'S NO MORE ANGEL! ;-)
Thursday, September 04, 2003
Well, I wasn't gonna update tonight.
'Cause this isn't the best of nights (and *no* it had nothing to do with it being the Season finale of Angel tonight!!!) But I noticed something vewy peculiar... go to http://sambenton.blogpsot.com
Isn't that veird? And it's not just me... try anything.blogpsot.com
Okay, I'm gone again. Oh, saw 'The Dancer Upstairs' tonight too... good film, nothing special or memorable.
Peace out.
It all makes sense now!
Okay, firstly, I've noticed that the last few days my blogs have plodded along, because I haven't had much to say and I just wanted to fill up space. But I think it's better if I only say something if I have something worth saying. We'll see how long that lasts. But I just wanted to say now, I just had one of those "lightbulb-appears-above-the-head" moments about Bowling for Columbine - Mike Moore is eerily similar to... Marti DiBergi, from Spinal Tap! Does anyone second that? It's a very hilarious similarity, given that one is a spoof documentarian (heh, but which?)
Security guy: Now, you can't get me from behind here.
Moore (trying to 'stab' guy through door): No, you're right, I can't... I can't get it through here.
Guy: That's right.
Moore: Well, what if I had a spear?
See, that was funny. Anyway, I still dislike the film and the guy, one day later. :-)
Okay, late late late night update...
He is! 31st July? How come I didn't know???
For those of you who doubt the Bowster's talent and influence, try this link .
Anyway, no New Zealand dates yet... February or March... Auckland or Wellington, I will be there.
You don't get any interesting links today.
Why? Because you're all being punished, because nobody e-mails me anymore. Well, hardly ever. Hmph.
I'm not really in a grumpy mood, I'm just pretending. Sooo what's new in Sam's world? Sigh, not much. My parents tricked me into watching a movie with them when I wanted to go study - how warped is that? Yeah, I don't understand that. Funnily enough it was Bowling for Columbine. Didn't really like it, to be honest. Mike Moore is not my friend. Then watched half of Sexy Beast on Sky - good but crude film.
Heeey, 12 days until David Bowie releases his new album! Isn't that exciting! Yessir it is... new songs to learn by heart and play badly on my guitar at 10am when Penny is still asleep. Thanks by the way Kristy, for your comments and encouragement - still playing the guitar. Got my Dad's up here, an old one with a real nice noise... 'cept when I play it, that is. Nah, I'm doing pretty good on it, still loving it. I probably play about 2 hours every second day on average. Maybe slightly more... Which reminds - anyone who can recommend some cool tunes I might know that I haven't thought about getting the chords/tab for, please tell me!
Went for coffee with Charlie today, was nice. Had a chat 'bout mindless stuff. Looked for pants - I need some new pants. And anyone who's ever been clothes shopping with me knows how hard it is - Celia, you reading this? I'm very... picky. And when I have my Mum's EFTPOS card, the more expensive the better (go figure). I actually kinda know what I want now... not jeans, for once. Think I want trousers. I go about shopping totally the wrong way. Anyone who wants to help me out sometime, please...!
I said I wasn't grumpy before, but I was a bit. Not when I was typing, but earlier this evening. My parents - I let them get on my nerves. They don't try to irritate me (I think), but I've just grown up being irritated by some things they do. Like the way they talk loudly during the good parts of movies, or start a conversation as you walk out the door... Ah, bless 'em. God's helping me handle it.
I reckon I'm lonely up here.
I just found out the lyrics for the second track on David Bowie's new album Reality. It's called, Pablo Picasso First verse:
Well some people try to pick up girls
And get called a***oles
This never happened to Pablo Picasso
He could walk down your street
And girls could not resist his stare and
So Pablo Picasso was never called an a***ole
Not as... er... deep as some of his earier stuff. Oh, it's a cover. Hope it's catchy.
Oh my gosh... there are rumors online that Bowie is... coming to New Zealand! Left arm... going numb... what with Eddie last month, this would make this one of the coolest years in the living history of history! I gotta go, gotta free up as much memory as poss. until I find this thing... rest assured, if this is true, you will be some of the first to know, once I recover, that is. Love yas!
Tuesday, September 02, 2003
Something about Wellington tires me.
I don't get it. I get tired and a little cranky in this city. And I don't sleep very well. I'm not the only one, too...
Here's some news that might frighten you, or probably not. And here's something I've been predicting for years now...
So what's new in Sam's life, apart from a headache? Mmm... not much. Job front (top priority ATM): a lot of people are telling me to check closer to the time. Meaning I got to learn to trust God more. How convenient. :-) I shoulda guessed. Study: Mmm, going slower. I 'm less comfortable studying in this environment than in my room, but I won't let that stop me. It'll get done. General Wellbeing: Fine, thanks for asking! Eating way too much up here. Inbox: Well, it's been pretty empty for weeks actually, strange you should mention it. Friends: Being missed. Family: Sometimes a little trying, but I'm trying real hard. Spiritual life: Well, I'm finding it really hard to pray up here, y'know? But I actually think that's a good thing, because it makes me try harder. God's teaching me stuff (see above and below :-) ). Reading: Well, I'm reading six books and my Bible at the moment... this needs a new paragraph.
Return of the King: Yep, LotR. Gotta read this'n again before the movie. I'm about 100 pages in, and I think I'm gonna back-track and read the end of Two Towers, because that's in the third movie too. Enjoying it a whole lot more this time.
The Psychology of Religion: The authors claim to seek a way not to explain religion with psychology but to accept religion as something or other. It's strengthening my faith a little, and it's kinda interesting. It tests it somewhat too.
God's Smuggler: The first Christian book I ever read (save the Gospels). Dutch preacher smuggles Bibles into Communist countries. Amazing autobiography, I still love it.
Beyond the... er... somethings. Boundaries? Borders? I forget, but it's the one Abbey got for me to read and pass on. It's great too, very similar to God's Smuggler, but told somewhat differently. Has a different focus - prayer and spiritual warfare.
Streams in the Desert Okay, that's a devotional, admittedly. Birthday present from, you guessed it, Abbey! :-) It's really cool, I might quote it some day.
To Kill A Mockingbird My law readings recommended it. I know, I know, y'all read it at Secondary School. I'm enjoying it though, wanna see the movie.
And in the Bible I'm currently reading 1 Samuel, Psalms, Proverbs, Ezekiel, Luke and 1 Corinthians. Some people can't understand how I can read like that, but it's not something I really think about. I just do it. I feel like I should say a whole lot more 'bout each one of those books, but I won't. Nup. Oh yeah, I got my printer fixed today, my flatmates will be pleased to hear.
I'm a bit bored, to tell the truth. I don't like being bored. In both the subjective and objective senses - I don't like feeling bored, and I don't like that I can be bored. There's so much to do, whether it's actually doing stuff, or chilling/'laxing, or chatting to people/God. There's always stuff to do. But I don't feel like doing none of it. Wellington makes that worse. Maybe it's this house, maybe it promotes apathy.
Is that an oxymoron? Nah.
Well, I'm off to, er, to... well, go to bed and read, I guess. I just realised this blog is an interesting way to track my emotional cycles... Sunday - manic, weird. Monday - contemplative, open. Today... bored, and may I say boring? What will tomorrow bring?
Oh, and HAPPY SPRING!
Semi-partial-quasi-emergency update
I just found out some dreadful news dreadful news. Still, kinda makes sense. I hope to do a proper update later... can't seem to read any recent comments though...
Monday, September 01, 2003
Charles Bronson, RIP
What a way to start the week. A famous, cool actor dies; it's rainy and cold; I can't find a job... and yet I'm a happy happy man. I dunno why. Well, okay, yeah I do, it's God. But I can't really explain it. See, I was feeling down earlier today, and when I get down, I get DOWN. So there I was, lying in my bed, falling asleep and waking up seven times, when I feel God telling me to read the next chapter of this book Ab got me. And yes, it was very relevant. It said that trusting in God and accepting His peace is all good and proper, but some times you have to fight back. See, this job hunt has got me real discouraged. In fact, I always knew it would, which is one of the reasons I didn't wanna come back to Wellington. And rejection after rejection leads to disappointment, disappointment leads to discouragement, and discouragement leads to dispair and weariness and badness. So I said a big no to that.
I guess I don't want to write much more because I'm still worried. I'm still worried about what I'll do this Summer, still worried about what I'll do for my life... yep, ongoing theme with me. I'm still worried about whether or not I'll get a job offer tomorrow. I know I shouldn't be. I know we shouldn't worry about tomorrow because today has enough troubles, and God knows about my needs and He cares. I know that. I just don't know if I'm mature enough to accept that yet. I may make excuses, 'Oh, it's just that my parents won't be comfortable until I have a Summer job' but it's me. That much I know.
See, there are times when I think of what God has planned for me and I am so excited, joyful and I can't wait. And there are times when it terrifies me beyond belief. And when that happens, I look at the alternatives... you know, ignoring God, following Him some of the time, and none of them are options. I feel almost pressured to take the awesome, petrifying path God has in store for me. I guess lots of other people feel similar. And it's not that I think God has plans for me that are particularly more exciting than anyone else's - although I think I'm bound to find them exciting. But the fact is, this is one area I am finding it really hard to trust God in. I seem to be doing it two steps forward, one step back style. Like, I trust Him, trust Him... then something happens and I'm all Lamentations. Then I'm all, well, all right, I'll trust... and then I trust again... and then something happens that I don't expect... and then I'm on to Jeremiah. Which I suppose is better than not growing at all. Assuming that I am growing now.
Sigh. It's a hard life being a Christian. Wouldn't give it up, though. Prayer would be appreciated. :-)
But yes, like I said, I'm happy. Not tentatively happy, but happy, content, like I feel I ought to be. I'm just trying not to think about the next round of phone calls I have to make tomorrow.
Studing has taken somewhat of a diminished role, but it's only Monday.
Now what I really wanted to talk about was Confessions of a Dangerous Mind. Well, not really. It was fun and cool, and I liked it, but I can't be bothered talking about it anymore. My mind seems to be on something else at the moment.
For example, (I thought I was meant to change the topic!) in this Law reading I'm doing at the moment, it quoted 2 Corinthians mumble:mumble. I know, that's pretty cool for a law text. And it talks about the glory of God and Moses veiling his face which was glowing... see, at the last cell group, it was prophesied that God's glory would shine in me like that (which is cool)... but it makes me wonder. Like, this happened after Moses was given the law to give, in turn, to the people. My first thought was that maybe I am meant to be a lawyer? It seems in step with a lot of prophecies I've been getting lately, plus I'm less averse to that idea than I once was. But then that verse carries on and says that that glory has faded and been replaced by the New Covenant which is so much brighter. And to me, that's a covenant of love. Which fits in with some other prophecies, that I'll love those I don't want to love, serve those I don't want to serve. I'm not sure what that means. Then there're the prophecies saying that I won't be a careerman, but I'll do a lot of things. So I'm really lost now. It always brings me back to my favourite verse, Proverbs 3:5. Lean not on your own understanding, but trust in the Lord.
Trust in the Lord. Aye, there's the rub.
Well, God Bless you all, hope you're having a rollercoaster ride holiday like me (as per), and enjoy both the ups and the downs (and the loop-de-loops, corkscrews... bleeeuurrgh!).
S.