Don't make me use my handbag!
Friday, October 31, 2003
All right, enetation is OUTTA HERE!
So I'm trying out a new commenting system... I'm leaving the old one up for a day or so, because when I change it'll delete all your precious comments. So comment on the other one, if it works. If anyone's curious, I'm trying haloscan (there should be a new button down the bottom).
Oh, and I have my first exam this afternoon at 2:30! :)
Thursday, October 30, 2003
So many interesting things...
So not really an update, more a pointer to some cool news articles. But before we start, a quick question: What is the worst name you could give your son? a) Adolf Hitler Jr.; b) Kickme; c) Job; d) Engleburt Humperdink? Please give your answers on a SASE to someone who cares.
All right, the linkys...
Some scientists now believe the universe is 'football-shaped': "They say it is a finite "dodecahedron" made of curved pentagons joined together."
They also believe the Big Bang was more of a rather loud hum - which they have a soundbite of!
It is now illegal to sell DVD movies in New Zealand until 9 months have past since its international release!!!
And my favourite, "Astronomers 'pinpoint time and date of crucifixion and resurrection'. The pair, from the Astronomic Observatory Institute in Cluj, Romania, say Jesus died at 3pm on Friday, April 3, 33 AD, and rose again at 4am on Sunday, April 5. The picture makes him look like Luis Guzman, though... :-)
But hang on, with that last one, is that long enough? I thought he was dead for three days and three nights, like Jonah... Or was it just "on the third day"? The Bible says he died at 3pm on Friday, that much we know. Oh, and that he wasn't there at dawn on Sunday. Fair enough.
Okay, I'll update properly later. Maybe. ;-)
Wednesday, October 29, 2003
You can't waste time by grilling beards!
True story. I'm sorry, I'm hopeless with thinking up titles. I could turn them off, I guess, but... nah, I won't. So, it's a Wednesday morning, and the weather is holding off... but I reckon it'll rain again. Which is stink, 'cos then I'll stay in the house most of the day again. Ah, well. So I was in my pjs last night when God told me to go talk to my mate Guy. So I put some pants on over top (my tight jeans - stupid, stupid) and went to see him, and he's coming to church Sunday night. Heeeey! Then I went to see Abbey and she was having cell group in her room, so I hung with them for a bit. So that was a good night.
Guess I should respond to some comments. A lot of very helpful stuff, thanks guys. Donnave's right, I shouldn't let it be painful to me (and it's not, any more). It's just that if this is as important to God as it seems to be, then I want to do what he wants - I don't want to look back in a month and realise that I haven't changed a thing... let alone at the start of next year! I reckon, though, now I've got the heart to change, God will help me with the details, yeah? And Katie's verse was a good one too, one I've been thinking about (the not-being-a-stumbling-block-to-others one). I think I'm pretty sorted on moods and movies (or I think I will be), I'm still quite unsure about music. Thankfully I won some Christian music from LifeFM yesterday, so that'll help.
It's just that people seem to be emphasising not so much the music itself, but how I deal with it. Which I find odd, and confusing. And probably quite relevant. :) I've had advice ranging from "Fuggedaboutit" to "only listen to Christian music", but now people are saying that maybe the music I listen to (read: largely David Bowie) has a special hold over me. Which is something I've never seen, but I won't let that restrict me. See, when I get into something, I really get into it. That's been the way all my life - whether it's sport, games, music, tv programmes, auteurs... whatever. I have an addictive personality, or something (which is interesting, given my family's disposition to alcoholism). So naturally the same applies to DB when I got into him. Now that I'm a Christian, of course, I see that that could be dangerous... and yet, I don't think I'm that controlled by or obsessed with his music, although I know some people think that. Which I don't understand. It's not like I listen to him all the time... although I have been aiming at collecting all his CDs (25 so far, still quite a few to go), that's more a hobby. Maybe Brendan's got a point with Matthew 6:21 - but I don't reckon my heart is in anything at the expense of God! I only really listen to music when I'm on the computer, so it's really a background thing...
Then again, some mornings I do listen to some DB to put me in a good mood for the rest of the day. Maybe that's it. I mean, looking at it from that perspective, that's definately the wrong thing to do. I should be listening to worship music, or even better praying. Sure, I don't do that much any more, but maybe that's the key. All right, I won't do that any more - if I want a boost, I'll listen to Christian music. But does that mean I can still listen to DB in the background? I'd say I probably can, but I'm not sure about that... I don't want to risk it at the moment.
Hmm. Still a little confused... no, not confused, just waiting for wisdom. :) Here's a question - what about posters? A friend made a comment that they wouldn't put posters of secular people/things on their walls, in case it's akin to idolatry. My first impression is that that is too far, but far be it from me to be closed-minded. Thoughts? I have one Bowie poster, a few posters from various movies, and a whole bunch of Lord of the Rings posters. I'm not sure why my David Bowie poster should come down while my 13 LotR posters stay up, but I'm open to suggestion.
Well, no firm decisions as of yet, but I can feel boundaries being molded within me. Still keen for ideas and conversations (seriously, you guys have all been really awesome, even if I may disagree with some of your points), but no longer stressing. God rocks!
-S
Tuesday, October 28, 2003
I'm not confused, just ignorant.
Hey, story of my life. I thought I might update you all as to my sitch (situation). Firstly, I'd forgotten how painful sacrifice was - last night, there were stages when I wanted to just... I dunno, lose control. But I knew that wouldn't look good on the blog today, keeping in mind yesterday's issue number one, so I didn't. :-) But I'm sure you'll all be pleased to know that I now have God's peace about this - took me long enough, though! Secondly, I'd forgotten how painful typing after almost two hours playing guitar was - but that's all coming back to me now.
All right, seriously. I've talked to a few people, got some good advice. I know, now, why people say "It's something you have to work out for yourself" - everyone has different advice! Plus if I make up my own mind (with God, of course), I'm much more likely to stick to it. Anyway, that's an aside. But admittedly, I'm not too much closer to finding an answer. Oh, the first point, the 'mood swings', was never a big one, because I've been working on it anyway. There's power in the spirit of love, power and a sound mind, all right!
It's right in the middle, actually. Huh. Badly constructed argument. Anyways, I'm still searching for boundaries, especially musically. With film/television, it's usually quite clear... although there are grey areas. Like Angel... after watching a violent episode, I'm reconsidering that one. May go either way (sorry, Jeremy!) With music, I have absolutely no discernment. Maybe I should talk to someone at church about this...
Oh, and another thing. A few people have mentioned another aspect - the power these things have over my life. But I'm really not at all sure about that one... so I have a few posters up, so I enjoy going to films... does that matter? Is it because they're part of my identity, is that bad? Is it a matter of 1 John 2:15 - "Do not love the things of this world"? But that makes no sense... that can't mean we're not to have hobbies. Is it an issue of "love"? Because I know I could do without these things. So I don't know, but I'd still love more opinions.
Thanks to those who responded (and sent e-mails! :-) )... I'm still good, and still searching. Matthew 5:8. Whoever said being a Christian was easy had no idea! :)
Monday, October 27, 2003
Three points. Like a triangle, but not necessarily.
Oh, NOW I have something to say. Yep, and it's only 1:45. I left prayer earlier than I thought I would, for various reasons, but partly because my mind was on other things. See, next year I'm going to be part of a small group of people who are helping lead Cutting Edge. As such, I need to be a good role model - scary, but exciting. So I need God to make me one. There are three things that someone brought up today, someone who cared about me and those under me (which is awesome and appreciated - I'm very open to godly criticism, guys!).
Firstly, as much as I hate to admit it, I go through mood swings. And yeah, we all do. But I guess it's important for me to realise that my attitude needs to be the same whatever mood I'm in - an attitude of peace, joy... all the fruits of the Spirit. That is a really hard thing to get hold of, but God's been helping me through it. One of the more helpful things He's done is given me Dave, who I can talk to anytime - which I'm finally beginning to do. But also through the power of his Word, and praise... It'll be interesting to see how I handle this over the holidays, without a 'Dave', when I'm back in my old environment.
Secondly, I love movies. No big revelation there, huh. But I accept the fact that I need to be more careful about the movies I see. To be honest, I shouldn't have seen Kill Bill. While I think Tarantino is really talented, and his movies really enjoyable... they're not the kind of thing I should see. That's somewhat easier to say now that I've seen it already, but it's really hard with regard to other movies... I've been really looking forward to Freddy vs. Jason, for example - in fact, it's been a childhood dream of mine to see it, but now I'm thinking I shouldn't. Because personally, slasher movies aren't the kind of thing to meditate one, but also, what kind of image would that portray as a role model? If you know me, you'll know that this really isn't an easy thing for me to talk about or act on, but I don't want to be held back. And also, television. I don't watch much, but what about Buffy/Angel? I mean, I love the shows, and they seem to have a pretty good message... they're a lot better than people who haven't watched it might think.
Thirdly, I like music. Quite a lot. But I don't properly understand the effect it has on me. Spiritually, emotionally, mentally... there are definately some messages I shouldn't be letting enter my ears, I respect that. But what else? Is there a line to be drawn? Is all 'Christian' music good? Some of us heard a guy talk last Tuesday about music... he firmly believed that there is some music that has a strong, negative spiritual effect. To be honest, I'm not sure about that at all. I am becoming increasingly aware of the power of music, but I am completely ignorant about its nature. Also, if you know me, you know I like David Bowie. Though my friends don't say anything about it, I can tell he makes some of them uncomfortable. Is there something about a person that makes their music bad? I mean, seriously? Like Marilyn Manson, or something, I just wouldn't listen to. I know that much. But most of DB's songs are 'clean', lyrically, and I try not to listen to those that aren't. But if God tells me to dump him, he's gone. And what about playing music on my guitar? Some songs have pretty cool riffs to teach myself on... can I play without singing, if the words are bad?
Like I said, I need God for this. But I also ask for your help. Firstly, I'd appreciate your prayers on this matter. Secondly, I would really really appreciate all your thoughts on this matter, no matter how different or convicting they may be. I want answers so that I can be who God wants me to be, it's that simple. If anyone's got any readings on these things (especially movies and music), or anything, please let me know. Thirdly, finally, I guess I'd like this blog to be an accountability thing too. It is already, I guess, in that I do tell things I'm struggling with... so I want to keep doing that. Especially with the first point, and the second too (I don't often talk about music here). Is the key to do with what is in my heart? How does that work?
So not an easy blog to write... and quite convicting. Guess I'm really quite ignorant on this matter, and I shouldn't be. So... help!
Oh, by the way, I'm otherwise fine. ;-)
Sunday, October 26, 2003
I'm exhausted.
Yet I feel under some pressure to blog, so I'll tell you about my day. It was great but very tiring. Convicting messages at church (with Real Holy Spirit Action and Kung-fu Grip!!!) plus old friend --> new Christian. Yup, James has now accepted the fact that Jesus, the Son of God, came to earth, died for our sins, and rose again so that we could be saved. Now he still has a few things to deal with, but so did I when I was starting out. Didn't deal with them too well, either. Urgh. And look how I turned out, huh? Huh? Yeah, I'm worried about him. :-) Nah, he's in Christ's hands, and He will be faithful to protect him, this I know (cos the Bible tells me so).
And although I had nothing to do with his salvation, it was a struggle to battle my pride today. But then Steve Gwyn preached and that went out the window. :)
Watched the Two Towers with Abbey last night, and half with Penny and half with Dave. It's still a great film, and I'm excited about the second one! Oh, and I saw a tiny glimpse of myself in the preview on the DVD, completely unrecognisable save my odd-shaped weapon, and very obscured. Still, I know there's still my Rohan shot where I should be recognisable... maybe... Heh, it doesn't really matter at all, does it?
Okay, yeah, a very short blog today, but that's okay. I used to write short blogs, way back when...
Saturday, October 25, 2003
All right, all right, here's an update!
Some people are pushy! :-) Then again, some of us need a little bit of pushing, am I right? ("You're not wrong!") All right, comment replies first, so I can think of something to blog about. Bing, keep going with the journal... don't let yourself lax off, or you'll regret it later. Go hard, and stand firm! For Gail and my father, who both asked what my favourite musical is (okay, it was a bit of a baiting...): no, it's not my fair lady, Dad, I'm pretty sick of that show at the mo', no offence. :) It's RENT, to be sure. I'm listening to it at the moment. I wish musicals were bigger in NZ, then I'd have a chance of being in Rent. Hmm. Oh, and yeah, I do have the soundtrack to the first two rings movies... but I don't listen to them, oddly. Weird, maybe I should.
By the way, anyone had any more thoughts about the whole Leviticus thing?
Okay, now. I never considered myself a big procrastinator during exam times, just a late starter. But this time... I don't know. Maybe it's because I'm really confident, or maybe because I've got 3 weeks until my last three exams, I can't motivate myself to study. I know, I know, who can, right? But I usually can? It's weird, I've been remarkably apathetic this term, except when I'm doing God-stuff, when I've been remarkably (for me) passionate. I wonder if that's a priority thing. Hmm.
I also wonder if I'll ever find myself writing something properly, like an article or a script or a book, or something. My style doesn't lend itself to serious reading, but I do enjoy it. We'll have to wait and see.
Hey... I reckon I've been feeling apathetic lately because I've come to believe that there are only certain things that really matter, and none of those things are on my horizon right now. I need to learn to "rejoice before the Lord (my) God in all to which (I) put my hands", not just in those things I think will build God's kingdom. It's like I've had a sudden perspective shift to the eternal, and I'm going overboard and neglecting the temporal. I need to find a balance between seeking to constantly 'do', and just 'being'. Because now matters, however indirectly.
That's a good lesson for me right now... I've been focusing so much on God's power, and on prayer and stuff lately. I'm sure Jesus just chilled with his 'ciples at times... had some laughs... not worried about tomorrow. Gave thanks. Not that I don't rest, but that at the moment, I'm resting and thinking I should be 'doing'. Revelation rocks.
See, this blog *is* therapeutic!
Thursday, October 23, 2003
Oops, better post!
I was gonna do so last night, but I had a (not unwanted) visit from Thida and Abbey, and we went to play cards in Jeremy's room. I think I won. :-) I saw something on the news last night, and I was quite... erm... surprised, I guess. Check this: Guess who these two are? Yup, you guessed. I didn't realise they were that... involved! Sigh. It's very interesting that it's happened *now*, I can't for the life of me work out why, though. Still, very pleased I've discovered where I stand.
Well, to the comments first (not sure why, but that seems to be what I should do)...
Firstly to Bing (who should write a blog of his own) - oh, and if anyone doesn't know, that's Brendan, who's flatting with Dave and Jeremy and I next year: Yeah, the clean/unclean food thing does appear pretty settled. In defense of the larger Leviticus argument here (I almost said: "playing the devil's advocate" but that just seems WRONG :-) ), there do seem to be some irregularities in the way we treat some of the laws in Leviticus compared to the homosexuality one... what about Lev 18:19, 19:19, 19:32? Yes, the NT says "all things are allowable, but not all are profitable" which speaks of freedom from the law's condemnation (not the effects of sin)... but why are the things I just mentioned classified as legal requirements based around important principles while homosexuality is classified as a sin? There appears to be nothing in Leviticus differentiating these things... With regards to Jesus only talking about Man and Wife, I'm not quite sure what you mean there... you mean as opposed to "de facto partners"? :-)
Donnave: Interesting... maybe we're all wrong. I think our defintion of sympathy is right, partly because we use it so often... Actually, that webster definition is what I was thinking of... empathy involves understanding why and how, sympathy involves feeling...?
Gail: Thanks! And thanks for your sweet e-mail, too. That's very encouraging. I'm definately planning on keeping my blog going after exams, maybe even more diligently (depending on Wellington circumstances, of course). It's very good to know that my blog is having more than just ('just'?) a positive effect on me personally. Thanks a lot!
So what now? I was gonna write about what's been up down here lately, but I honestly couldn't begin to explain it. I'm just a-growin' more every day. Prayer has been awesome and somewhat overwhelming (although turn-out has been less than I hoped for, that really doesn't matter). Went to hear this awesome guy talk at church on Monday night and Tuesday morning, what he said has changed my whole perspective on many things. Invited my non-Christian friend Celia to church the other day, she said maybe. My new-Christian friend Scott has been struggling with a few things lately (as we all do), so I've been trying to help him a little - I see such good things ahead for him, it's so exciting!
And my friend James came by yesterday... haven't seen him for a few years, though he lives just down the road. God's been talking to him lately, and he's investigating spiritual matters with a huge hunger (literally - he just finished a 7 week full fast!). We need to pray for him, eh... he's investigating a lot of Eastern religions and stuff. He's coming to church with me on Sunday. If you're reading this, bro, 'sup?
I'm listening to Les Miserables at the moment. I used to get so mocked for loving musicals, but these things happen. It's my second-favourite musical ever... and it's so convicting! The Christian aspect of it is so powerful... for those who don't know, it's about an ex-con's life in Revolution-era France, who finds God at the beginning. Okay, it's a little more complex than that, but it's amazing. I would so love to be in it, some day. I need to do a musical again, a good one. Sigh.
Ooh, it's my Mum's birthday on Saturday... gotta get her something. God's been challenging me about money lately, and I think I've been learning a lot. Luke 16:10-11 is something the guy talked about on Tuesday morning. He said that the "true riches" is the anointing of God... something I'm really keen to understand more about! Hey, anyone reading this: ask God to challenge you in the area of finances. See where He takes you!
Oh, a friend from Wellington who was very involved in extra work for Lord of the Rings sent me this site. Try to match the extras with the roles from the film!
That's about all for now. I should get to studying and working out if I'm going to prayer today. I think I will... but maybe not the whole time. Oh! It's probably too late, but Dave and Katie and Justin have an exam NOW, so pray for them. And our friends Emma and Beth have one tomorrow morning. Yimminy... that means there's 8 days until my first one! Better start studying proper-like!
Love to you all!
Monday, October 20, 2003
More on the current issue...
When I talked to my Dad yesterday, he said I should write a movie-script about a guy who writes a rather honest blog and ends up regretting it in the future. Hopefully not prophetic.
So two events today have concerned this issue I've been discussing the last few days. Firstly, prayer on campus today (surprise surprise! :-) ) and secondly, a booklet Louise gave me (see her comment, below - thanks a lot, Louise!). After 1 o'clock prayer, Rach Barnes told us about a word she got saying that us guys need to learn about our authority and stuff. As we did, we had an amazing guys-only prayer time and we came to realise that the culture we are in is very against the Biblical idea of men having authority - that's not very PC. So that's something we're going to look into over the next while, but you may get some idea of the relevance to the question at hand.
Louise's booklet (leant to her by the University Chaplain) is pro-gay and Christian. It says, basically, that the Bible needs to be interpreted in light of today's society and the over-arching Scriptural principles of love. It accepts that the Bible says homosexuality is a sin, but argues that that isn't relevant in today's society. It supports this with the example of slavery (not condemned in the Bible) being supported by Christians in the past, and examples of other sexual conduct the Bible prohibits/allows that we allow/prohibit. "The Bible thus contains the principles of its own correction."
Now, that's a popular viewpoint. It's attractiveness is obvious - it's tolerant, not as confrontational, and humanistic. I guess we'd call that the liberal interpretation. Those who read the Bible as being the complete, perfect Word of God, however, would disagree. That's where the PC thing comes in - as God showed me today, it's nice, but it's not what He had in mind. Men ought to be the head.
At the end of the booklet, the writer (Walter Wink) appeals for tolerance and love and a Christian approach to this debate. He recommends that we agree to disagree. That would be fine, but you can't call a peace-fire if you know the other party would break it. The fact is, Satan would (and does) use such disagreement against us. That is why (I believe) gay Christians are trying to change the law, why gay Christians are trying to obtain authority in Churches. Okay, that sounds offensive... I mean, bless them, they believe they're right, and if the status quo were not in our favour, I'd attempt to change it too.
As with all conflicts in beliefs, this should be resolved with love. Because I believe what I believe is right (duh), I would oppose any changes to the law, etc. With regards to gays, Christian or not, I will love them. It's just a sin, and I'm a sinner too. With regards to my Gay Christian friends, I will not let our differences come between our friendship/fellowship/mission, but I will not actively support them on this issue.
Putting it that way, it doesn't seem to be that much of an issue, but I am very, very glad that I sorted it out. Feel free to comment, but I don't foresee any more big blogs on this issue, unless something comes up!
WRT the comments, thank you very much, Donnave, that's very sweet of you (and rather embarrassing)! I'm glad my openess has touched you - its been very productive for me too. And the openness of all who comment has been very much appreciated. As to meeting, apparantly we already *have* met... around this time last year, when you came to visit, I was at prayer when you were there. At least, I think that was you... But yeah, I'd really love to properly meet you and Gail, that would be wonderful. Maybe some day.
Thanks again to Louise, for the booklet and your thoughts. And thanks to Gail too, for your support. I did check the Focus on the Family site, and have it bookmarked (it'll come in handy for my Family Law exam!). I, er, love what you had to say about love and its effects, too... something for me to think about! In fact, I just wrote both those versus on my desk!
Now there's one other thing I want to mention, that Donnave reminded me of. I mean, of which Donnave reminded me. The whole empathy/sympathy thing from a while back. I don't think my definitions are actually the right ones, or maybe they are. The way I see it, empathy ("in" "feeling") involves understanding another's emotions, and how and why they feel them. Sympathy ("with" "feeling" - the opposite of apathy) involves feeling bad about another's misfortunes/negative emotions. It's the latter I struggle with, because I don't like being controlled (that's a blog for another day).
But today, in the shower, I begun to wonder... is that a stronghold that needs to come down? I had a prophecy a while back about big strongholds within me that need to be torn down, and I'm wondering if this is one of them? I reckon this thing we're going through at the moment about authority and manhood is one too. So yeah, that's something I'm thinking about... Jesus had sympathy, yeah? Maybe I need to have more than I do. God willing, that'll happen soon!
Okay, wow, this wasn't going to be a full blog, 'cos I need to study. But huh. Okay, I'll let y'all go now.
Love, me!
Sunday, October 19, 2003
So, was that a sensitive topic or what?!
Hehe. No apologies. First a few words about today... feeling good. Dave prayed for me yesterday about various things, specifically a feeling of heaviness/oppression/confusion. Hence the feeling good. Man, I forgot how good that kinda prayer could be! And it's in line with what Donnave said in KT's blog, 'Expect Opposition'. I think that's just as relevant over here, eh, so I'm sure no-one will mind if I steal it! :) Seriously, I reckon that's really important for all of us, and it's also in line with what Shels said on Friday night to keep putting on the full armour of God (Ephesians 6). So that'll be something I'm gonna be more careful about.
At both services at church (I ignore the 9am one :) ) today we had this guy talking about IWT, a really exciting event about to hit New Zealand. In fact, I'm so excited about it, I can't really write about it. But it's going to be big. Maybe I'll write about it later. Rest assured, there's gonna be revival in this nation pretty soon!
It's funny that people seem to visit my blog when I'm posting the most hard-out topics. My parents mentioned today that they heard about my blog, so I gave them the address, so I dunno if they've checked it out already. Hi Mum and Dad! Please say 'Hi' in the comments below, but I don't think you will. :)
So lets get controversial, hmm? Firstly, I just want to say that I proved a couple of points to myself. 1. It is really hard to show your own position on the internet without being misunderstood, and 2. This topic garners different perspectives from those who comment. Which are both really good to know. Also, this topic is one that causes maybe more division than any other amongst Christian groups. In fact, it's in the news at the moment (Telegraph | News | Williams foresees 'huge crisis' on homosexual issue), threatening to split the worldwide Anglican church into two factions.
Us Christians surely realise that disunity (is that a word) is very bad. But is it worse than compromise? Personally, I don't know. I believe that it is an important issue and I find compromise a greater evil than the conformity requirement. Which may seem a little harsh. But I don't think my opinion matters hugely at the moment.
So back to the comments. The general (Donnave's and Katie's) opinion was that the act was a sin, but that the people were people, and that we ought to love them just as much as any other. Donnave also mentioned that we ought to pray that those involved in this act come to repentance, and that they shouldn't hold leadership positions in the church. Katie agreed. Gail enjoyed the fact that I've been involved in choirs :-), and agreed with the general consensus.
So that's one side. Reuben bravely offered his opinion, which I really respect. He asked whether anything needs to be done about Christians who don't believe homosexuality is a sin. He also compared the reluctance to ordain gays with the reluctance to ordain women in the past.
Thanks to everyone for commenting, and I'm glad that they were long and detailed! Very good reads all round!
Everyone seems to have some personal investment in this issue. People know people who are gay and Christian, which is very interesting. Maybe that's why this is such a hard issue to face, and because it's so hard to separate the act from the actor sometimes.
Firstly a response to Reuben. I guess I was careless when I asked what we should 'do' with Christians who don't believe it's a sin. I was drawing upon my worries about the near future when confronted with this issue - asking whether I should support, disapprove or do nothing of my lesbian Christian friends' approach. I know that's not too far off what you thought, but I need to clarify that and the fact the I love gays. I love everyone. I'm very aware of the danger of judging sinners and the hypocrisy in that - all have sinned!
With regards to the ordination of women as compared to homosexuals, good point. I certainly don't believe women are 'less than human' due to some inherantly debasing sexual sin. I love women. Don't quote me on that. :) As to where I stand with the ordination of women, I reckon that's okay, but I'm not sure. It's hard to say. The New Testament explicitly says that a woman should not hold a position of authority in the church, but that could refer just to the individual church that epistle was written to, at that time. Then again, I think I largely accept female ministers because it's what I'm used to. However, Scripture is even more clear that people in authority should be without fault. If you adhere to the view that the homosexual sex act itself is a sin (which is the question here), then those involved in that should not be allowed in a position of authority. It's exactly the same as adultery.
So where I'm at now... Like I said, I think it's a sin. I also think the sin is not the sinner, and those who commit homosexual acts are to be loved as equally as anyone else. I don't believe a homosexual should hold a position of authority in the church (or elsewhere...?) BUT as to the issue of whether a homosexual can be Christian... I'm still terribly stumped. I think I'd say yes, with the faith that God would convict them of it.
Now I know that what I have said could be terribly offensive to some, including perhaps my parents, but I ask you to see my heart on this. "Judge not, lest you yourself be judged" - I believe in this. I also believe that we are to love ALL peoples as we love ourselves. AND I believe that the fear of the Lord is to hate evil. Yes, I believe in tolerance and love, absolutely. I do not believe in compromising my faith. If you are offended, please, let me know. If it is due to a misunderstanding, I'll clear it up. If my beliefs offend, let me know too - but I won't change them because of that.
Sigh. What have I gotten myself into? I really wonder if I've gone too far in sharing. That remains to be seen, I guess. If I am to be transparent to be a person of integrity, that's the price. I don't want to hide anything - there is nothing hidden that will not be revealed anyway! Still... is this the best way? I don't know. To be honest, saying all this makes me feel kind of bad. It's what I believe in, but is it necessary to publish it? Is it helping grow God's kingdom or merely reinforcing intolerance? If I believe it, why does it hurt so much to say it?
These questions, and more, will be answered... I don't know when. But I feel like I've done something wrong now, so I'm going to post this and then go pray. This has been one weird blog.
Saturday, October 18, 2003
Homosexuality.
I know I've got some comments to reply to, and I will, eventually. I want to talk about this first. It's an uncomfortable one for some, I know. See, for family law, we have to write an essay in the exam, and I thought I might write about the marriage laws in New Zealand. one of the options. So I did some browsing and found some sites... the Maxim Institute revealed some 'interesting' new Bills being considered, including the Civil Unions Bill, which would create a new institution, not quite equal to marriage, but close, that homosexual and heterosexual couples can partake in.
Browsing further, I discovered something else, that I'd already known. Back home in Wellington, I'm friends with a couple of women, one of whom led a choir I was in. There's rumours that we'll get the choir going again over Summer, but that could be a pipe dream. Anyway, it turns out that this couple are members of GaLaXies, a gay and lesbian Christian congregation actively involved in law reform campaigning.
So, torn between my admittedly untested beliefs and loyalty to old friends, I decided to investigate further. This page examines the 6 key Bible verses against homosexuality and demolishes them. Reading through these, I was intrigued and shocked. The claims that all these verses were mis-translated or mis-applied were very convincing. I decided I needed to read something from the other side of the story. So I went to this page. This helped clarify things a little.
To be honest, though, I'm still unsure, and that's a dangerous way to be. I reckon homosexuality is a sin, but I don't think I'd be able to argue that convincingly against someone who believed otherwise and had their own evidence. Which could happen over Summer. So yes, I'd appreciate your thoughts, especially with respect to the arguments against those 6 key Bible verses. I must admit, I'm confused as to why we accept the anti-homosexual rule in Leviticus and reject other rules (say, the anti-seafood rule). I know we're not under the law, but how does that fit?
Oh, one other thing. Everyone knows that a lot of people (especially Christians) arguing against homosexuality are prone to gay-bashing. Interestingly, I found that those defending homosexuality were considerably more aggressive than them.
Thanks to Gail and Donnave for commenting (as per)... I wanna reiterate that it's really cool to hear what you have to say! Yeah, I've been pretty good over the last few days (a little muddled/dazed, maybe, but I reckon that's partly due to fasting!), actually. No urgent personal situations I've been praying for. Oh, and sorry that the commenting situation is far from perfect. But it's better than no commenting! :-) But I promise that I will keep updating y'all as to my spiritual journey, same bat-blog, same bat-channel, random bat-times!
Love you all too!
S.B.
Friday, October 17, 2003
I'll give you three guesses what this post is about.
Yep. Prayer. Well, that's what I feel like talking about. I may drift. God's been teaching me so much lately, and I haven't been motivated to write it down (partly 'cos some stuff you need to think through before verbalising). But I have a responsibility, now that I have a blog, to update it regularly with interesting stuff. Which isn't as easy as it sounds. But hey, that's cool.
So I haven't been motivated to do much lately, except pray. I'm not sure whether that's good or bad. I mean, exams are coming up, and I've got things I can do, but really, none of that matters in the long run. God's been really re-teaching me about what really matters lately. And there's actually not much that does. Even if I became a big film maker, say, and made an awesome movie, it's not going to matter. Who remembers those? Sure, some people, for the special movies. Think about Casablanca, back in the 40s. Okay, awesome movie. Who remembers any of the others made in that decade? Film students, that's who. That's the same with all things anyone creates - they are so very temporary. But then, so is (almost) everything in this world.
I was thinking along this line, when it hit me: today, this day, is equally as important, equally as full as opportunities, and equally as fulfilling as any other day in my entire life. There's no point in waiting to be out of Uni, waiting to be in a career or even until next year. Don't worry about tomorrow, it has it's own worries. But don't look forward to tomorrow without fully enjoying today!
And on that note, God showed me what is going to matter, and that all that matters requires God - and prayer. I know I'm explaining it poorly, but it's for my own good, anyway. For example, am I going to remember how well I do at the upcoming exams in a year? I can't even remember the mid-semester marks! Now, of course, there's a fine-line between prioritising and being lazy, I know that. I also know that we should glorify God in all we do - half-hearted studying is not gonna be that pleasing to Him.
So we have prayer, and that is an awesome way of communicating with God. Now that God's led me to see a glimpse of prayer's true importance (just a glimpse, at the moment), I'm sad to say I'm getting frustrated with it. Why doesn't it do what I think it should do?! Why doesn't it seem to always 'work'?! These are some things I've thought. Rest assured, I've always resisted these doubting thoughts, and I know where they come from. Proverbs 3:5 has been one of the focuses of my Christian walk, and I like to think I'm managing to trust Him more than I ever have before. But to be honest, I don't understand prayer as well as I should like. But I am confident that God will unravel its mysteries as I press in, so until then, I'll work with what I know.
That whole speil didn't seem to reveal everything I've been thinking too satisfactorally. Doesn't scrape the surface! Todays Streams in the Desert reading does, somewhat, but I'm not gonna post it cos it's BIG. Mayber I'll post more once I've figured stuff out for myself. And when I say that, yes, I mean through prayer. :-)
So there are a few comments I need to reply to, yes?
Gail: I have been a Christian since Easter last year... so a year and a half, maybe a little more. It feels like forever (in a good way)! I'm pretty good, thanks... did I sound a little upset on Thursday, or something? Or is it that I've posted twice in four or five days? Sorry, I'm not that regular, I know. I find it a little hard to post every day. But yeah, I'm doing a-okay!
Jeremy: If you want me to pray for you to do well in your exam, you're on. If you want to write about Marx, go ahead! :-)
Aunt Donnave: I agree with Abbey about it being cool that you guys are the blog-surfers from Texas. I feel a little weird calling you 'Aunt' - I don't suppose you'd mind being called 'The Don'? :-) Just kidding. It's been great to hear about what's going on in Texas - any chance of either you or Gail starting your own blogs??? About the book - wow, thanks for that offer! I don't know if I could accept it... I've already got heaps of daily devotionals at the moment! But thanks!
Bing: Thanks for your support!
That's that done. What more can I say? I don't know. I feel a bit muddled... maybe I'm feeling guilty about having not studied for like, I dunno, three weeks. Maybe I've been in the sun too much. Maybe God's doing so much in my life that it's a struggle to do more than just cling to Him. That's quite possible, actually, I'd go with that one. It would explain why I've felt like being really lazy lately. Still, no complaints! Bye!
Thursday, October 16, 2003
I can't think of a title... huh.
But if you check my last blog, and you check Abbey's blog (see above), you'll know that something big is happening down here... and according to the comments, we're not the only ones! This is the most exciting time I've had since I've been a Christian, and that (to be really honest) scares me. The idea of revival has always been a bit of a pipe-dream for me (unfortunately), not something I thought about much. But I really believe that it's coming, no, that's it's here. That it's starting. That God wants to move, and that we are an important part of that. It's 15 days 'til my first exam, and I can hardly think about anything *but* praying. The conviction, the hunger that God has placed in me is uncomfortable, but so welcome.
Quick breather break - I've just added my flatmate's (Jeremy) blog address up top. It's a little... weird. :-) Pray for him.
Aaaaaaaannnnnnyway... God. Isn't He good? Wow, I'm really at a loss for words. That's a miracle in itself, yeah? Just, er, keep praying/come to 12/1 pm prayer! Tell your friends!
Monday, October 13, 2003
It's 7pm, but I've got something to say.
Been having a little trouble with blogger lately, but hopefully this works. So what does Sam have to say? Let's see...
Sam wants to comment about prayer. Today has been such an awesome day for prayer... words can hardly express it. Funnily enough, I woke up just missing my regular prayer time (and a lecture), but I made up for it. So I want to encourage all those who read this who are in Dunedin to really make a commitment to come to 12/1 o'clock prayer for the rest of the year. I know some people are leaving in a fortnight, but God is really calling out for people to intercede for this campus. Anyone who was at prayer today could tell you that - God was moving so powerfully... we had visions, we had words, we had tears, we had laughter.
The key, the one thing we need to be doing right now, more than being social, more than studying (you read that right), is praying. Praying for people, praying for the city, praying against strongholds. God wants us to seek his face, repent and pray earnestly... his angels are just waiting for us to let them fight - we've seen them! This is the time, now is the time! Who cares if you're leaving soon - God can move tonight if we let Him! I know you want to study (or have to), but God wants you to prioritize... not that you shouldn't study, not at all, but you need to pray!
This is a really important time for us all to gather together and pray together - I believe this 21 days is an important part of that, and I believe 12/1pm prayer is an important part of that. Come to prayer as often as you can, prepared to seek God - and tell your friends to come too! And please, if (when?) I get to a place where I don't feel like praying, please encourage me to!
So that's my (our) burden, my (our) vision. God is seeking intercessors right here, right now. Will you answer Him?
Sunday, October 12, 2003
Sunday morning.
It really doesn't feel like it. What's with this strange mood everyone's in? Completely drained and apathetic. I'm in it too, and I don't understand it. Well, I understand that this has been a crazy-busy semester for everyone, but is there more to it than that? I just woke up now, and I feel remarkably un-spiritual, un-motivated and bored. Yet my body is all "New day, new day, let's party, c'mon, dance wit' me now, wooop wooooop!' Literally. Okay, not literally.
Anyway... my question (I typed 'questino' at first, which is a very cool-looking word. Note to self: consider using it on a refular basis) is 'could this be a spiritual thing'? I've noticed a strong correlation of sleep troubles amongst those around me, and often wondered what that's about. Could this spiritual weariness be similar? One of the chief spirits New Zealand struggles with is the Spirit of Apathy, according to prophecy. If this is that guy working overtime, does that mean something's about to happen? I believe it is, actually, I believe some great things are gonna happen within the next month and the start of next year...
Or am I looking too far into this? Is it just pre-exam weariness exacerbated by being around other students as tired as us. Who knows? Either way... does God want us to be tired/apathetic/stressed? I don't think so, but then, he does want us to be weak sometimes so that He can reveal His strength; is it surprising that we'd feel poo on the verge of breakthrough? So what then? Do we pray for strength, pray against apathy and stress? Is this an attempt to break us before we enter the 21 Days of prayer and fasting? Because I tell you, I woke up and started to seriously reconsider my plans to fast lunch (anyone else get that?) That would make sense.
So I reckon what I'll do is first, pray about it (these blogs have really helped me come to that place of realising that prayer is so important with these kinda issues), and keep it on my mind in a non-anxious kinda way. And I'll head into 21 Days humble, but strengthened through God and expecting a miracle. Is there anything else we can do?
Talkback RE previous blog (pre-blog): Thanks all for commenting, very interesting remarks. Thanks for your encouragement during that (relatively short but perhaps related to today's thoughts) period of 'distance'. It's great to get some wisdom about that matter. Funnily enough, straight after blogging I read Psalm 77 as part of my daily reading, and lo and behold (weird phrase, that), it was all about feeling far from God and what to do. Huh.
So thanks Abbey, your input helped make things clearer, and your smiley-filled post made things happier (d'you guys like the smiley option? I just found it). By the way (not directed specifically at Abbey, not at all!), please never feel *obliged* to comment. Sure, I like it, but if you don't feel like it, that's sweet.
Katie, hope your friends are doing better; recommend Psalm 77 to them, if you like! And "(the cat)" is a reference to Eek the cat, the cartoon feline with a shark-like doggy friend and an annoying girlfriend.
Louise, thanks for that awesome poem, very nice and good to know of. And thanks for explaining better than I could about writing stuff down!
Man, you guys (and those who read but didn't comment) are so awesome, it's cool that you're so open to sharing and helping me. In response to something I said yesterday, I *would* enjoy reading your own blogs, if you felt like making them! And if you need a hand with setting one up, let me know. Oh, and there may be a new blog linked from this one soon - I hear through the grapevine that flatmate Jeremy is planning one, which will be very... interesting! :-)
See most of yous at church, love ya!
Vitamin S. (which you must now all refer to me as)
Friday, October 10, 2003
I feel wasted, and in a bad way.
Actually, I no longer believe there is a 'good' way to be wasted. Not that I can think of, anyway. Not that that's relevant. I'm tired; everyone's tired. Everyone's been real busy. But I've been real busy all week being tired. I can think of one think that I've done this week that's not scheduled (i.e. lectures and church and cell group). I just haven't felt up to doing anything. Oh, according to this morning's blog, I went to see a movie. Huzzah. I'm disappointed that this seems to be a wasted (pun not intended) week.
Or was it?
Maybe it wasn't, but due to... circumstances, I'm being made to feel like it was. See, I feel tired and incredibly detached. And dare I say it, bored. Now, that can't point to good things. I felt extraordinarily far from God during prayer times today, and was fighting my own private battles during 12 o'clock prayer. And this is new-ish, I haven't had a spiritual low like this since the high of Design Weekend so long ago... and, ironically (or actually not), I kinda prayed for it this morning in a 'God, I feel like you ain't here, but I reckon I don't need to feel you here to have faith, so go ahead, test me in this...' Which, retrospectively, could explain this. And yet... would God answer that kind of prayer? Is there any significant difference when you can't feel His presence? Have I sinned, causing a blockage, or is it a test? Most importantly, where do I go from here?
Well, before you say the obvious, yes, I pray. So I will, once I'm done. But that's the thing; it's important for me to say what I'm feeling *now*, not once I've prayed about it. It's like that angsty blog about a week ago where I let a lot out. I *could* have waited until morning, and normally I would have. But in expressing my incomplete, un-thought through, un-prayed about thoughts and wild emotions (not that they're wild/active at the mo'!), I feel... a sense of overcoming, I guess. If I said "I woke up yesterday morning, tried to pray but it didn't feel like God was listening, but I'm over it now," then the process I went through in getting to a (as-yet future) resolution is unsubstantiated, and I don't feel as though I've learned. By transcribing my thoughts (and sharing them? Maybe not so important) I know that I can come back to this point as a guide next time, and say - well, I got through it then, surely this time will be even easier. Maybe that's a result of having such a bad memory, I'm not sure. It's all a bit hard to understand, and my apologies, but that's partly because I haven't got it clear in my own head.
Where was I? Right. We all have 'I am here, God is there' moments. I've heard that to get through them you gotta keep 'pressing into Him', though I'm not quite sure what that means. But what about the 'now' times, the in-betweens... is God still as present as He has been? The Word says He is. Will God still hear my prayers as well? Maybe that depends on whether this is a trial or a consequence of sin. So how do I know which it is? I pray about it. Seems a little circular to me! If it's sin, I need to repent, that's for sure. But is it? What have I done? At this point, the little devil pops up on my left shoulder and starts nagging me. I choose to smash him. Smash.
So, either way, it's interesting and important to me to document such trials as this (or the bigger ones, at least). For some others, it is entirely different. I like to spill on-line, some don't. I think I would love, Brendan, others to do the same - which is one of the reasons I like reading blogs - but I can't be sure. Maybe it would smother my perceived blog-niche and detract from the therapeutic effects I receive. Maybe I'd get overwhelmed if everyone did it. As to whether it bothers me that I'm opening myself up in a way that others can or will not, not really. To be sure, sometimes I hope/expect people to give a little in the comments; if no-one had responded to my 'suicide-rant' way back, I would have been a little upset, for example. But then again, these are people I usually talk to in Real Life, where the scenario is worse - I'm not often that open in RL, others more often are. Or at least, I can usually tell the general gist of how they're doing. But that's a real interesting point, thanks for bringing it up.
On that note, one of my biggest failings in my eyes (not sure I should talk about this, but hey), one of the ones that causes me the most pain, is that I find it tough to cope with the emotions of others. So if other people did express their own feelings and issues, that could be a struggle for me. I'd end up trying to rationally solve the problem, rather than sympathise. I can emphatize fine, which is an important skill to have, but there's something about sympathy I struggle with. I think it has something to do with an extreme reluctance to allow my emotions to be manipulated or controlled. Which can be a good or a bad thing; it's all about balance (now there's another story I must tell you sometime). But it makes me feel downright inhuman sometimes, and as someone told me tonight, unfeeling. Which is not true, I feel. I just guard (usually subconsciously) against letting others decide how I ought to feel.
Once again, I know that I'm not some big unique guy with unique 'problems' - these aren't even real massive problems. I know for a fact that other people (I can name some) have the same mindsets. I don't uncover my weaknesses to seek pity (sorry to belabour this point, I don't like be misunderstood! :-) ), but to make them into strengths. One of my favourite things about being a Christian is the promise of transformation - continuous improvement. It's something I've always sought. This is just one of my ways of doing that.
Another long blog, hmm? But hey, I feel a lot better. The sugar's slowly wearing off (went to Tull's for dessert tonight, mmm). Time to pray, I guess. And read my Bible, which I still love doing!
So goodnight to all, I pray you sleep beautifully.
Love, the Samster.
Sambo the Cheekie Darkie.
Sam the Man.
Vitamin S. I kinda like that one. ;-P
Friday... I'm a slack little blogger this week.
It's true, it's a true story. Say, has anyone seen the movie 'The Locals'? I wasn't the biggest fan and I saw the 'twists' in advance... anyway, because it's a NZ horror film, sites like 'Aint-it-cool-news' (the most famous internet movie-fan site) are going ga-ga. I'm tempted to review it and send it in, but that might crush some hopes. In other news, '28 Days Later', by the guys who did Trainspotting, is a really cool movie. Really cool.
So thanks to those who commented on my last blog... some interesting comments. I understand what you mean, Dave, and I'm glad I'm not the only one who likes those kinda blogs! :-) And a shout-out to my sister, it's cool to know you read this sometimes... are you serious about getting a camera and editing equipment? That's pretty funky. I'd be keen to join in on your venture once I've heard more about it. And about Prothiaden - a brief web-search revealed that it's widely used and seems to be pretty good, but I'll let you look yourself. Personally, I'd rather not go on medication at all, but that's just me. But yeah, do let me know!
So I kinda had something to say but a) I've forgotten it and b) I've gotta go to class. So maybe I'll update this blog soon. Or maybe I'll just play guitar, who can say.
Thursday, October 09, 2003
Schwarzenegger's Governor of California.
There, I said it. I wonder if he'll do a good job.
I've just had the last cell group in my room until Feb/March or maybe ever. That's just crazy. No more re-arranging furniture or finding glasses of coke in my shoes or anything... wow. That's... weird. Two per week for a year and all of a sudden, none! Ammmmmazing.
In other news, I'm grasping at things to say. I just feel bad that I haven't blogged since Monday morning and it's now... eek, Thursday morning (well, Wednesday night). But I've been buuuusy!
So... no-one knows any actors who are free in a couple of weeks, then?
I'm going to sleep well tonight. It's strange, the first semester I had the most beautiful sleeps. Even the first half of this semester. Then everything got busy and I got sick and I just don't sleep that well. I'm not complaining, cos that does nothing, just... commenting. I never knew that stress affected me, not that much anyway.
Heeeeeerre's something I'm really interested in. It's time for 'lecturer-asks-the-class-a-question-and-actually-expects-an-answer-good-luck-to-THEM!'. Can anyone who wants to, please comment on how often they read my blog and what kind of blog they enjoy reading the most? Not so I can do those more often, because that would be fake, but because I'm curious. Personally, I'm not sure whether I prefer writing the really silly-weird mood ones or the deep biblical ones. The factual ones are little dull, as are the rambling ones. The pour-my-heart-out ones are too scary to contemplate. And the 'please comment' ones are soooo lame and beggy.
Oh.
Anyway, please comment. :-)
Monday, October 06, 2003
I need to buy some clothes.
I can't remember what the last item of clothing I bought was... I don't even know if I've bought anything this year! That is... interesting. I was going to say *lame* but I've come to care less and less about my appearance lately. And I know I'd like to take pride in it again, but I guess I'm learning to be less material. Still, I ought to buy some clothes. It's getting warmer, hmm... I need a lot of clothes. Which means I need a lot of money. Ah. So that's why I haven't bought any clothes. :-) I've got a bit of money now, maybe I'll go spend it. Wisely, natch. I have a love-hate relationship with shopping. I love getting funky new clothes, but I hate deciding what to get. Chicks don't understand that.
When am I going to get a haircut? Maybe in a week.
Reckon I can hold off buying a new heater until next year. I'll live in my sleeping bag and dressing gown. It's just hit me how cold my room can get without a heater.
Speaking of which, I have a cold, but it's a pretty weak one, so I won't moan. In fact, it's not even bad enough for me to get drugged up, which is nice.
This is an incredibly superficial log, especially considering how I feel my faith has been increasing lately. Ironic. 12PM was awesome today, I dug praying - especially keeping in mind some of the things we learned at ACTIVATE. Wow.
So Jeremy and I are nearing the end of pre-production (read: script writing) of our next short, which still needs a proper title. We've got a few things to iron out, so here's hoping it goes well. If we film in 2 weeks' time he can edit during the holidays. We need some male actors though, and some sound equipment. I reckon we also need someone to check the script for us, someone objective with a comedic eye. Hmm.
21 days of prayer and fasting coming up starting on Sunday... what should I fast from? 1 meal a day? Could I do 2? Could I fast from something else, like the internet? I must remember to pray about that.
Late now. Bed time. Bye now.
Ah... dilemmas.
That's right, two lemmas. Bet you don't know what a lemma is. It's clearly a subsidiary proposition assumed to be valid and used to demonstrate a principal proposition. So I've got two of those.
No, anyway. My dilemma is Friday night. Friend's un-21st party or church revival night. Should be a good night at church, but those do happen quite often. It's not technically my friend's birthday, but she is leaving in a month, for good. I reckon she'll win. I'll pray about it though.
So I'm just uploading some more photos... I had to go way back in my collection to find some photos of the gal known as the Ab-Flex. Hope this makes everyone happy. :-)
Sunday, October 05, 2003
Dum-de-doo...
I just worked out that I spent 9 hours at church today. I must like it there. But most of that was spent chatting with my friends, so I guess that doesn't mean much! And the rest of the day I spent chatting with my Ma, Pa, and Grandmama. And to Jeremy. And playing guitar. That's literally all of interest (e.g. excluding eating, sleeping...) that I did today.
Still, it was an awesome day, and I learned a lot... Church Service 1 about 'Hearing and Obeying', ACTIVATE session on 'Identity' and Church Service 2 about Jer 29:11. All interesting, although I probably got the most out of ACTIVATE... that's all good.
Um, so, quiet week coming up, maybe we'll get some more snow. Not sure whether I should ask God to make it an 'interesting' week, cos... well... He'd do it, all right! We'll see.
Nope, not much to say. Or, much to say, not much that I can be bothered saying. :-P
Saturday, October 04, 2003
It appears the gift of commenting has temporarily been withdrawn.
But enetation may be back up by the time you read this. Anyway, last night was a great thing, very successful. So now I'm on a tired I-can't-be-bothered-moving high. I mean low. I dunno. But I'm chilling. I haven't done anything productive today (apart from vacuuming - finally! - and washing), and I'm proud.
Tonight is a 21st, a Mothra awards evening and a movie. Probably. And daylight savings and then church. I'm not really helping myself in terms of sleeping, huh. Maybe tomorrow night.
Just doing a pretty big update of the photos... any comments? Is anyone checking them out? I chose these ones especially, because almost all of you guys who read my blog (or those who comment) are in the ones I just put up. Enjoy.
Friday, October 03, 2003
Ten comments! Unbe-smegging-lievable!
Okay, two were from me and three were repeats, but that's still a record. I should write those kinda blogs more often!
But seriously, phew. That was an interesting little time last night. I did pray about it, and whaddya know, it helped a lot. Plus it helped me accept that yep, I actually was in the wrong on this one. That made things easier. Sure, there are shades of gray, but I'm happy to say that in that situation, I was wrong. Which meant I could apologise about it today, which meant I could move on. Which was nice.
Of course, it was more than just an isolated incident. It taught me a lot. Exactly what, I'm not sure. It taught me that I'm not good with confrontation, and I need to pray about that. Though I kind of always knew that. It taught me about the power of emotions (I haven't been that emotional since I was in a relationship! :-) ) and the need (the need) to step back and pray. It humbled me (yay). I guess it helped me understand how to deal with other people just a little bit better. It's hard to say. But the issue is resolved, and that's all good. Thank you *so much* for all your comments, I read them over and over.
Now I'd *like* to spend a long time complaining about editing videos, but that goes against my principles, so I won't.
Okay, yes, that was irony, because like, I understand that in saying that sentence, I was implicity complaining about editing videos. And at the same time as I said that, in the same sentence, I said that I wouldn't complain about editing videos because it goes against my principles.
No, I don't quite think you understand. See, *I* said, I'd like to spend a long time complaining about editing videos, but that goes against my principles, so I won't. Now if you read that, it pretty explicitly says that I don't believe in complaining about editing videos. HOWEVER, if you read *deeper*, it contains within its very essence a complaint about editing videos. Which is ironic, because I'd just said that I didn't believe in complaining about editing videos.
Sigh. Okay, let me try this another way. When I said 'Now I'd *like* to spend a long time complaining about editing videos, but that goes against my principles, so I won't,' what I meant in the obvious plane of understanding was that I don't believe...
Okay, I'm done. There's only so much one can do with that gimmick.
Isn't it good to see that I have my (lame) sense of humour back with today's blog. Just wait until tomorrow's!
Oh, one more thing. You may remember my suicide rant a while back. I haven't thought about it too much, but I did come up with a verse, Proverbs 12:25:
Anxiety in the heart of man causes depression, but a good word makes it glad.
I really believe that. And I really believe that that says a lot about why certain areas have higher suicide rates. Most importantly, I think it contains one of the keys to solving this problem. Just thought I'd bring that up.
MADRE MIO! It's 1am! Have I been editing and blogging for that long? Why have I been getting to bed so late this week??? Crazy, man. Just crazy.
Here's something else I just thought of (what is this, the Neverending Blog?). This semester... or longer? I've been going through things that I don't expect. It's hard to explain, but I value variety a lot - I get bored easy. So just when I think I'm settled with something, like I know how to deal with an issue, BAM! Another one arrives! And it's not quite hard enough to become wearisome. It's quite fun. God makes life fun. That's a bland statement, but it kinda means a lot to me.
Wow. My 'To Do' whiteboard is pretty much full. As is my calendar. I could have sworn that this was going to be a quiet week. Guess that'll teach me not to swear. :-)
Good night all, I love you all! Don't let the bed bugs bite!
That's such a soothing thought isn't it?
I just don't know when to quit, do I. I'm gone! B=3)
Thursday, October 02, 2003
This is going to be one of *those* blogs.
But sometimes I like *those* blogs. They're therapeutic. More than that, they're... they're real, I guess. That's more important to me than I realise.
I was going to put, as my title, 'My Great-Aunt Lorna just died,' but I didn't. Partly because I don't want to draw attention to it and partly because I'd be lying if I said it caused me any strong emotions. I've never had anyone really close to me die, and I've always dreaded it. It's one of those things I don't know how to deal with. And I know this because I don't know how to deal with it when people close to people close to me die. When my girlfriend's friend was murdered, I didn't know what to do. I don't feel too bad, because hey, who does know what to do, but it's going to come up again someday, sooner than I think. I think it'd be even harder to deal with someone else's loss than my own.
This is kind of a different tone to my blog yesterday, huh. That happens. Maybe I should colour-code my entries.
I didn't have the best day. It wasn't completely rotten, and there were some great bits, but there were also bad bits. Editing really stressed me out and I swore a lot. I thought I was past that.
I'll talk about that a bit more in a mo', but first I want to respond to something. Abbey just wrote a rather serious blog, and I totally respect that (for obvious reasons). It makes me feel closer to that person when they reveal that kinda stuff. Firstly I want to say that I know where you're coming from with the need to be known. I feel it too. I've been blessed in that somehow this need is fulfilled (not through anything I've done), but that also means that I tend to rely on having that fulfilled by people. Anyway, that's me.
Y'know, I thought I had something to say. But I don't. I guess I understand where you're coming from, but I don't understand why you're feeling it and what you should do about it. Sorry I wasn't any help.
So here's the thing. I am terrible with confrontation. I even struggle with making phone calls. So when someone close to me confronted me with something that really hurt them, I didn't know what to do. I didn't panic, which is the only positive thing I can say, and the only improvement over how I usually act. I couldn't say my side of the story because I couldn't find the words to say. To be honest, I saw that it was possible I might have been at fault, so I took away the offense. But the damage had been done. I still think personally that what I did was okay, although I can understand the other person's side. I was also hurt by their reaction and their timing, but I couldn't say anything.
I won't be able to bring this issue up, which is a problem. I have absolutely no idea of how to proceed. Fortunately - or not - I think it is probable that the other person will, which is also a problem. Because I still have no idea of how to proceed. I know that it is really bad not to talk about things like this... but how do I do it? Even when the other person is not emotional, how can this issue be resolved? Can we agree to disagree and that I compromise and not repeat this act they other party finds offensive? I have my doubts that that will end happily.
And another thing (groan). I'm sick of bloody compromising. I always try to take the least offensive route and compromise, which may be fine and dandy but I feel so weak doing it. I don't even know if it's right to compromise. I mean, I accept that I may be wrong (though I really believe I'm not), but I don't think the other person is.
So I'm confused. I'm angry, upset, worried and disappointed in myself. I'm also very aware that I'll look at this in the morning and kick myself and vow never to write when I'm in such a mood again, but I don't care. I'm fighting off the urge to swear here, that's a big thing for me.
I must say, this is therapeutic. Taking a step back from it all, I clearly need to pray. For wisdom, for peace, for strength and for love to give. For forgiveness of myself and the other person, and against fear. And importantly, that the relationship be healed, as well as both of us. That's a lot of prayer I need. Reckon I'm gonna set my alarm-clock an hour later. :-)
Wednesday, October 01, 2003
It's late.
But I can't deprive my public of their Sam-blog for the night. Still, I do need to learn to balance my need for consistency with my need to not say stuff when I have nothing to say. But I'm kinda hopin' I'll find something to say.
Um...
Life is good?
Good... but not great. How do you get your life to go from good to great? I feel like I'm missing something... maybe I'm just dazed. From study.
The Oscars are gonna be funny on Friday night, but I hope I don't find them too tedious, having seen most of the films a few times already.
I feel like some big, meaty burger. I don't know why. But I do. Juicy, meaty, saucy, oniony... mmmmm.
I'm fantasizing about a hamburger. I need a girlfriend. :-)
One who cooks great hamburgers.