Don't make me use my handbag!
Friday, February 27, 2004
More...
I just can't get the Passion out of my head. I've got an e-mail from Critic saying that I just missed out on writing a short review on it, but they have space for an article, if I can get it to them by Tuesday... that's 500-600 words! I'm away tomorrow 'til Sunday... they offered me a free ticket for Sunday night if I do it, but what about church? Oh, it's still that video series at night, eh... And lectures and the Oscars on Monday. I dunno. It's pressure, but it's doable. I'll pray about it.
Abbey's blog touched me. You can just sense her brokenness. I didn't say this on her page, because it seems like I comment on her every blog, and I wanted to blog myself. It is numbing and exhausting. My spirit echoes her pain over the lost who see it. It's refreshing to hear a viewpoint like that - it was hard, challenging... but made me hunger more. The ODT had two 'reviews' today, kinda. The first were photographs of six people, including Jo-Jo and Matt (a movie-friend from church, the one who asked me what I thought as we left), offering pretty positive reviews (seemingly all from a Christian perspective). Beside that were reviews from 'proper' critics (NY Times, Roger Ebert...) who all criticised the film as being too gory (except for Ebert, who loved it).
What gets me is that some reviewers say it's a graceless story, and some say it needs to be contextualised. I can't say too much more, but they're both misguided. I think the movie stands well by itself, and contains the hint of grace needed. Perhaps its hoped that (as has actually been reported as happening) people will want to 'read the book' having seen the movie. Some reviews call it historically inaccurate - which, given the contradictory beliefs on the history of that era, is both biased and missing the point.
One thing that has raised a genuine question in me is the gore factor. Yes, it was gory. Yes, the crucifixion was gory, as were the beatings. But firstly, were the scourgings exaggerated somewhat? I suppose it doesn't matter past a point (check your Scriptures). Secondly, was showing it all necessary? I guess so. Secular critics largely disagree, saying the movie "aims to depress the spirit" and the like. Actually, I take that back, it was definately necessary. We need to know what He went through - and whether you're a Christian or not, the historical fact is that He went through it on behalf of you. You may think He was misguided or crazy, but that was His intention.
I could talk about this for a while, clearly. Maybe that article's a good idea. Here's 500 words right here :-). I still think the predicted reactions can be ordered into groups:
Christians - an exhausting, personal, traumatic experience that ultimately deepens one's devotion.
'Borderlines'/'Backsliders' (I really dislike those labels) - a challenge that could lead them either way.
Non-Christians in general - shock, being offended... but probably a deeper understanding of what Christians believe (or why).
Sceptics in general - Some might miss the point, some might see the point but dismiss it as irrelevant, some just won't care.
Film-lovers in general - Will recognise it as an important event, as highly contraversial (possibly the end of Mel's career). Will commend the cinematography and the acting, but call the directing very hammy and the story cliched. Tongue slightly-in-cheek here.
Would appreciate thoughts (especially if I do the article this weekend!), especially on those concluding-categories there. See ya!
Thursday, February 26, 2004
Giggle... if I've ever wanted to delete a blog, that was it! Hehe.
But I won't, because that's what I was thinking at that time. Embarassing, yes, inappropriate - perhaps. Real - absolutely. Likely to be misunderstood - oh yeah. Oh well, it's a year for mistakes, right? Just agree. That being said, retrospectively it is somehow significant that that came out after seeing the Passion... can't quite figure out how.
Monkey protein helps block HIV... cool!
The Passion claims its first victim
One thing I wanted to say in the short time I have to update my blog (and happily shove yesterday's blog down a notch!), was about The Passion - I don't think non-Christians will get it. I've read plenty of reviews, and the non-Christian (or rather, those who don't have a connectionwith Jesus, which includes other religions, I suppose) ones don't get the point. They see it as a movie about a character, or a fictionalisation of a possible historical event. Ideally, this movie was *made* for one to relate to Jim Caviziel's Jesus as one relates to the *real* Jesus - which, to many who will see this, will be with little or no emotional connection. Perhaps that lack of subjective baggage is what makes all the difference.
That being said, there will be - thankfully - many exceptions. But it's worth thinking about.
Man, what was with that 'girlfriend' stuff? Not that it's not true, but it's not something I really think about... crazy.
1 am blog.
Ante meridian, post meridian. I remember learning those in primary school, like AD and BC. Rather odd that they haven't changed (except for the BCE thing). Odd that I remember something from primary school. I also learned basic Maori and the different types of clouds, but I have no idea about either of those now. Hey, so, haloscan is temporarily down *again*, so no replying to comments, or even commenting on others' blogs (except my sister's..). 'Course, knowing haloscan, it may well be back up by the time I've finished here, so we'll see.
Which reminds, it's so weird reading my sister's blog... I know she reads this occasionally (how often, I'd be interested in knowing), so I guess it's only fair. But let's face it, after two blog entries, I know her so much better than I did before! Well, okay, that's a big exaggeration; rather, I know a different side of her, which is quite cool (so, keep it up, sis!), quite cool indeed. And it's strange to see that we're more similar than I used to think.
So onto what I wanted to talk about, although I've since lost interest (stupid multitasking)... no, I'll talk about it. The Passion of the Christ. Spoiler-free, so you can read it. Someone I vaguely know asked, as we left the theatre, "What did you think?" Couldn't answer. Thinking wasn't up there on my list. Same with "did you enjoy it?" or "was it anti-semitic?" - non-issues. To me - although I know this will be different for many - answering these questions really doesn't cover it. Perhaps it was the personal identification with the broken, humiliated image on the screen as my King and Lord, perhaps it was a shock over the violence, perhaps it was a reaction fully explainable by my expectations and mindset, but it truly felt more than a movie.
Now don't go all spiritualistic on me just yet, it *was* a movie, it had some small exaggerations and additions (and an incongruous use of Bullet-Time when Peter gets angsty), and it was made by Mel Gibson and starred Jim Caviziel. And to that extent, it was technically well done (the acting... man. Best Actor could be a no contest). It was exhausting, it was painful, it was agonising. It was an ordeal. I'm glad I was prepared, that I made an effort to experience it as more than a movie - because I did, and I had my reasons. I don't know, but wish I did, how I would have felt had I gone in with no baggage.
Did I cry? I'm not sure. I didn't weep, but there were tears, they just didn't spill. I wished they would, I spent a time wishing I could weep, wishing I wasn't so emotionally hardened. I envied the girls beside me, but even their tears wouldn't have satisfied. I wanted to howl. Is that why I want to see it again? Could have something to do with it. I dunno if it'll help. Perfect timing, though, what with last blog's 'I wish I could identify more with Jesus' moan-sesh.
I wish I could talk about the ending.
Will non-Christians enjoy it, or be challenged by it? Will people be offended? I have absolutely no idea, and part of me doesn't care. Obviously, I'd love it to impact the lost, but I wouldn't be surprised if it doesn't - except perhaps the 'back-slidden' or 'borderline'. I hardly even care if it's controversial or significant (though I believe it'll be both) - it's a highly personal movie, and the selfish part of me doesn't want to share my Jesus with others. Don't think I don't see the irony there.
It's just... hard. It's hard, it's a challenging movie/event. I don't know how I feel about it, I cannot seriously judge its artistic merit because my emotions (my spirit?) is too completely tangled up in it. But yes, I'm planning on seeing it again, maybe more than twice. It's important to me, and plain important. Maybe I'll be able to give a more interesting analysis then.
Anything else new since... Sunday?! Whoa. Oh, it's only Wednesday. Had the first full meeting of Dan's Cellgroup tonight, which was great - although unfulfilling, because we haven't actually started to do anything yet, except a little preparation. And a lot of praise and prayer, which is what counts. Feeling a little less worried about my 'self-centredness' issue, but still need to do something about it. By doing something. I should have done something today, but I was too lazy and just bummed around the house. I felt bad about my time-wasting (not that it was really wasted, but could have been spent less... selfishly), and promised to do something about it.
In other news, have suddenly become interested in pursuing a Relationship (capital 'R') and I have begun to semiconsciously screen prospectives. I don't have anyone in mind, FYI. I've managed to stop all that now, and take a BIG step back. I think it's less of an interest in a relationship and more of a... hunger for variety? That sounds bad. It sounds worse when I add that I'm only ever attracted to v. good-looking chicks. Firstly, who am I kidding, and secondly (strike that, reverse it), shallow much? But I personally don't think it's going to happen, but it's a pleasant distraction. Man, even that sounds sleazy and lusty... pfft, I'm trying to be good! I mean that even if I feel I might finally be ready for a relationship, it's... well, it just doesn't fit in right now.
One last mention on that topic, I've wondered before (usually jokingly) how a girlfriend would deal with my blogging-behaviour. Because, let's face it, I know I'd be uncomfortable with someone that close being that/this open. And as for me, that would eliminate most of my material, because I wouldn't be able to write about the relationship or the girl. She'd have to be pretty special for me to stop blogging in this way... especially because I know it'd be so hard to pick up again if I dropped it. Heh, worth a thought.
What an odd blog... from a muddled, deeply empassionated review of a spiritual film, to a muddled, shallow speculation on future, fill-in-the-blank relations. Perhaps the problem isn't the loving, it's the focus. Still, relationships are not a Bad Thing but a blessing (and one that brings divine favour, according to Proverbs) - though I reckon it'd be a struggle. I'm really just blabbing now, I'm still more than comfortable in waiting for love, rather than seeking it. Except for the love of God, I'm-a seeking that!
Although, if anyone knows anybody... ;-)
Sunday, February 22, 2004
I'm the Shadowman.
No, but that's the song I'm currently listening to (well, I would be if it weren't so loud and bassy. But what else are you supposed to do when everyone in your flat is out?) It's quite a change to my blogging routine down here, it's just been so busy... well, I've got nothing planned on Tuesday, so that'll be a sleep-in day followed by a relaxing laze-time.
Funny how my last blog's title is untimely - I swear that I wrote the title before midnight, but oh well. Wait, I don't swear, I just say yes. Hmm. So what happened on Thursday? I wish I could remember. I know we saw RotK (my third time!) with 5 others, and then had bad (but hilarious) car troubles, which gave us another late night (1:30-ish). That's right, went shopping and had prayer and went to South Dunedin twice (THIDA! :-) ). That was Thursday. Surprisingly busy for a day I went into without plans.
Friday I had plans, and did them - Course Approval (2 hours!) followed by cell leaders' training, which was really fun. I'm excited and encouraged about this year, now, which is great. Saturday we had IWT counsellor training, which was also exciting and encouraging. And surprisingly challenging, talk about a rusty testimony! Ah well, something else to work on, I suppose. In the evening, Gus' family (parents and sister) took us out to dinner, which was incredibly filling - Vino Vena stylez. Good to meet them, helps me understand Gus. :-P Afterwards, us four Flat boyz played two games of Risk - both of which I lost! Darn missions. Good fun.
Church this morning, and wow. It was incredible. It was packed, the music was great, the messages were incredible, the fellowship was awesome. Steve preached on the 1Cor13 "... but do not have love" passages, which is perfect for where I'm at. But to that in a min. Had a student lunch at Andrea's afterwards, and that was packed too. Met some cool newbies, it'll be a good year!
Anyway, what I've learned since Thursday. Oh, just a jump back to the "selfish blogging" angle we did a week ago. I've been reading about Ghandi for a bit, and noted this quote about his autobiography which "portray[ed] external events as merely the stage on which the internal drama of his own character development was playing out. One paragraph will mention the Great Salt March, a turning point in Gandhi's career and India's history, but four consecutive chapters will explore his internal agony over whether or not to include goat's milk in his vegetarian diet. Gandhi cast his life as the gradual refining of a soul." Now, I don't want to imply that I'm ignoring God's grace and going all legalistic, nor do I have pretensions to being a Gandhi (who was a non-Christian follow of Jesus' beliefs, and thus relevant to my own). But I was comforted by that.
Okay, two things I've been going through. Money and love. Start with the money. I spent a lot of my Mum's over Summer, on my clothes, and I felt rather guilty afterwards. Since, I've been feeling quite disgusted with the way I treat money - suddenly, it no longer gives me a lot of pleasure to buy myself something I really want (just bought the Season 2 Red Dwarf DVDs - $60), but a hunger, a feeling of emptiness. I think God's working not only a love of simplicity in my life, but an understanding of the misleading power of money. Summer was all a part of this too. This will be an interesting one to watch...
Secondly, in giving my testimony as a practice on Saturday, I was very suprised to realise that I hardly mentioned Jesus. And let's face it, what testimony would be complete without Him? I've come to the conclusion that I've neglected our relationship. I've been focusing on God and the Spirit, and the atoning acts of Jesus, but I feel painfully far from Him, my living Friend. Related to that (not sure which caused which), the sermon this morning brought to my attention the fact that I've been acting largely out of duty, rather than love.
So, uh... I just got interrupted. Jeremy's back. But yeah, that was quite... well, it should have been distressing, but it was only a little convicting. Perhaps because I know there is no condemnation in Christ Jesus. Or perhaps there's another reason. Well, I don't know. But it distresses me mentally, because I can't see how it can change. I mean, I know Jesus will do it, but, y'know.
Oh, and one small reply to the comments in general - whoever said Christianity was comfortable?
Thursday, February 19, 2004
Is today... Wednesday?
I'm very aware of the blogging delay. Every time I think of blogging or try to do it, something has come up. So tonight I made time. I'm back in Dunedin, see, and for a relaxing fortnight before classes, it's sure busy around here. Oh, before I forget, just added Michelle's blog, which I find very funky-cool, you'll be pleased to know. And Dave and Katie have just updated.
Down to business. It's been a little difficult getting online, with a) a net-friendly (understatement, but not a judgment :-) ) flatmate and b) an erratic dial-up connection. Which will all be fixed when we get DSL in a week or so, or failing that (if it turns to custard, which seems unlikely), when I sort out these lines. Have just re-arranged my room, and given myself a quiet-time corner/desk/light/window/bean-bag area, which will hopefully work well.
I have a to-do list the size of my hand, literally. One of the things on it is 'buy a (funky-pretty) pen', which is for the Funky-Cool~! (capitals and tilde completely intended) journal Aunt Donnave gave me... which I'm rather speechless about. Of course it's a most wonderful, beautiful blessing, so thank you very much, Aunty D., I love you to bits! It's awesome, I'm gonna take good care of it (and love it and hug it and squeeze it and hold it and love it forEVER) and use it heaps, thanks!
Had 'training'/hanging with Dan's cell, which is technically/theoretically/actually the 'spearhead' for Cutting Edge this year. Had some full-on prayer and worship, which I felt rather... exhausted after. And a little like when I used to go to the gym, do a brief work-out and then watch the other bulky, toned, sweaty guys putting me to shame. Which is the wrong attitude, of course. No comparing. I did feel inadequate, though, and simultaneously felt slightly grieved that I wasn't feeling inadequate enough. Hah! But that's cool, that'll... be cool. It's gonna be exciting - and really challengin.
I've been really itchy for weeks, and now I've been scratching so much it hurts. That ain't cool. I think I'll put some moisturiser on. Aaaahhhh.
Have really enjoyed catching up with absolutely everybody, from the short chats with people like Rachael and Scott (wave, wave!), to the extended periods of time with the flatties. Everyone's grown so much over Summer, which is great (partly 'cos that was one of the things I/we prayed for a lot).
Oh, Wellington is having big rain/storms/flooding, just before IWT. Needs prayer, or no show.
Commental asylum
Firstly, lots of people are excited and somewhat anxious (wrong word... but similar) at the same time. And I'm glad that I've got so many outlets to be encouraged by, and also just as many people to encourage. So, another big thanks to those who do and have encouraged me, including those I only hear from in the blogisphere (Donnave! Gail - if you're still about! Kirk - yeah, your challenging comments are quite encouraging!)
Kirk, well, Kirk. Man, you get me thinking sometimes. About the word 'convert' - I agree in a sense, but I think it has some value as a word/idea. It's certainly been tainted and overused. I was a little offended at first that you suggested I was over-immersed in Christian society (which may or may not be true) - but I know you didn't mean it to be offensive, it was just a warning, or at most constructive criticism. For which I thank you, natch. And I agree with your points, but I guess why I was offended at first was because it's not quite the way you put it. Western Christian Culture in general is somewhat of a cop-out, yessir. But not necessarily (though not not necessarily either) the *specific* WCC we have in Dunedin. I also don't think the Christian Church has absolutely no effect on anything in New Zealand (excuse the bad grammar and double negatives), actually, I think it has a bigger effect than most realise, but it's not that visible. And I don't constantly crave encouragement (though possibly I want more than I should). So, er, that sounds like I'm fully on the defensive, which is kind of what I felt. But I apologise - you were being challenging, and that's a good thing.
Um. okay. It's strange that since I've been back, this blog, this... introspection has been completely shoved aside, I guess. It feels rather rude of me, actually. It's been quite a shift of priorities and, well, everything. Interesting.
And for the record, I'd like to focus on my regular, daily God times, now that I'm settled in. I'm still also keen (and not keen, to some extent!) to do some volunteer work somewhere (and I've got a good idea where to start). They seem to be the key things on my mind. As for the first, Aunty D.'s journal should come in handy - more for a prayer list, at the moment, than a journal. As will assigning a regular time.
All right, I've spent too much time on this now. Off to read my Bible. I don't know when I'll update next, but I doubt it'll be tomorrow. So, loving you and leaving you, I'm gone. Like yesterday is Gone. Like Elvis and his Mom, nothing lasts in this world. Like Al Pacino's cash...
Sunday, February 15, 2004
All right, I'll update properly.
Partly cos I can't think of anything else to dooo... which is a problem, when you think about it. For a Christian, or for anyone with a heart for helping/service, there should always be stuff to do. Which is in line with the discussion we're having at the moment, yeah? About my self-centredness? Okay, that's ironic.
Well, we'll get to all that jazz. Best to boogy on through the events of the past few, and then get all D&M, yes? Glad you agree with me. Friday night - 21 Grams. A very good movie, and I still think it's best summed up by "better than Mystic River." Recommended, for sure. Saturday, Valentines day. Got two text messages, and was surprisingly unconcerned by being single this time around. Surprisingly, because I thought it might bug me. As of Tuesday, it'll be exactly one year since Kat and I broke up. And yeah, I still think about her a bit, but I think that's natural, hehe.
Went to dinner on Saturday night, with the family (and my sister's BF). That was very nice, although we were more and more concerned by the weather as the meal proceeded. Went to the Stadium, which was basically flooded. Heard Brooke Fraser, which was nice, nothing special. Waited 30 minutes in the pouring rain. Then DB came on - and the crowd went wild. What can I say, it was an incredible concert. I was right up front, and I got him to wave at me (boooooya! Chalk another one down for celebrity boy! That's right up there with Tom Cruise!) It was very long, which pleased me, and it was basically a 'greatest hits' kinda gig. Bowie himself got pretty wet, but laughed it off. All in all, an amazing night. Well worth the money my Mum paid for it. :-)
Sunday morn - ooh, that's today. Went to church - with my parents, who asked to come. Largely because it's my last day here, but I ain't picky. Clinton Kellaher of Chch Elim spoke about streeeetching our faith as a means of transforming ourselves, our church and our citiies. Quite encouraging. Spoke a lot of words over the Wellington Elim church, which I managed to be happy for them about (rather than my usual jealousness, perhaps I'm improving! :-) ) Then had lunch with the folks, which was filling.
Now I'm here. In one day, I'll be flying outta here, for my 4:15 arrival at Dunedin Airport. I'm looking forward to it, you know, just a touch. It's scary, the past four (?) nights have been like Night before Christmas stylez, with the whole not-sleeping-because-of-excitement bizzo going on, which is a little extreme. I'm a bit worried I'm expecting too much from my friends, and from the year, but we'll see. What really gets me is not that there're one or two incredible people down there who are friends with me, but that there's 20+, and that the level of friendship is deeper and richer than I've ever known! Perhaps that's it, perhaps it's the closest to my true home (heaven, that is) that I've ever experienced, which makes me so hungry for it. Now, I know I've got this big idealistic picture of Dunedin and my friends in my head, but hey, I don't really care. Hope's right up there with faith and love, right?
Okay, that's outta the way. Oh, one more thing regarding hightened expectations. A lot of us, especially me, think that this'll be a big, exciting, challenging year - which I think is seeing it how we ought to. But as of late, it's causing a lot of fear and doubt in me, that I want to confess in order to overcome it. I'm not good enough, that's a fact. I don't deserve to be involved in this. I'm so flawed and sinful and proud and ignorant that I could do more harm than good. I'm afraid. Afraid for this year, and for the next. I'm very conscious right now that this is one of my more introspective paragraphs, and know how that would look at the moment. And I'm afraid that this year might just be just another year, or a year of pain. Right, now I've said all that, I need to say some more things. God's grace is sufficient. I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me. If God is with me, who can be against me? He who is in me is greater than he who is in the world. Love is patient, love is kind. God's mercies are new every morning. He knows the plans he has for me; to prosper me, not to harm me. I need only call upon His name and be saved. In my weakness, He is made strong.
Well. That was significantly more than symbolic, I'll tell you that. Sunday 15 February, I think I'll need to come back to that paragraph. I feel wretched asking this, because I feel spongey, but I reckon I'm gonna need a lot of encouragement this year. That being said, I'll try and give much more than I hope to receive.
So that all needed to be said. One more thing (Hey, come back!) before I get to the comments. Am reading Yancey's Soul Survivor (why do I find his books so engaging?), which is a kind of autobiographical biography. That is, he discusses the lives of about 15 people who have strongly impacted his own, in terms of faith. And they're not all Christians. He's talked about Martin Luther King Jr., G.K. Chesterton (which is why I read some of his work), Paul Brand (with whom he collaborated on several books I have yet to read), and is now talking about Tolstoy and Dostoeyevsky (if you recall, I'm reading D.'s Crime and Punishment). The chapter is subtitled 'Chasing Grace'.
Anyway, I haven't got to the Dostoeyevsky part yet, but the Tolstoy is incredibly interesting. The chapter starts: "My deepest doubts about the faith can be summed up in a single question: Why doesn't it work?" That's in terms of the Church's failings, but also in terms of individual failings (such as failing to give a man one's coat also when he asks for your vest, or failing to notice the poor...) It talks about the spiritual revival these Russian novelists started (after their deaths) in the '70s, when all (other?) religious literature had been banned. Tolstoy was also one of Ghandi's great inspirations. "What Tolstoy encountered in the Gospels attracted him like a flame; his failure to attain it ultimately consumed him." He kept an intimate diary of his spiritual failings (hmm...), which helped destroy his family life after he made his wife read it (oh. I've been thinking about that recently too...).
His wife's diary says: "There is so little genuine warmth about him; his kindness does not come from his heart, but merely from his principles." "The one who professed such love of humanity had difficulty loving any single individuals... Some have called him a hypocrite. But a hypocrite pretends to be something he is not; Tolstoy knew above anyone how far short he fell." Tolstoy wrote, "The test of observance of external religious teachings is whether or not our conduct conforms with their decrees. [Observe the Sabbath. Get circumcised. Tithe.] Such conformity is indeed possible. The test of observance of Christ's teachings is our consciousness of our failure to obtain an ideal perfection."
That is faith, that is grace. That is the argument against evil; that is the argument for goodness. In that struggle lies the cause and the solution - the Good News of Christ. That gives me the encouragement for introspection, because therein lies the acknowledgement of my sins and my failings and my weaknesses - and paradoxically, the strength of the gospel. This is my testimony.
So you can understand how encouraging reading that (on Friday night) was. :-)
Commentapalooza
Ooh, I wish I could make words 'bold' or 'italicised' using the keyboard (ctrl + B lets me organise my favourites, whup-de-doo!)
Bing - I guess you're right about the parallel. It's strange to think that society's 'progressed' from minority-bashing being the done-thing to *accusing* people of it being the done-thing. Hmm.
Kirky - I can call you that, right? Touche about the missions trip, that's a very good point. And I agree that loving/helping the underprivileged is essential, and something I ought to do more. And yes, Christian culture immersion is a cop-out, and I hope I never go that far. Perhaps I'm already a little over-immersed, but seeing as I am still a young Christian, I'm gonna allow it. I think your advice on community service is definately worth reflecting on... please remind me of it in a few days, once I'm settled in Dunedin, because although I really don't want to do it, I believe I should.
With respect to the blogging issue, I'm quite satisfied that my amount of introspection isn't really the issue - my lack of action is the problem. Referring back to the balance vs. compromise issue, I think it is better to be an introvert at times and an extravert at times, rather than an ambivert - bipolar vs. lukewarm.
Your question... somewhat challenging, but I'd like to propose that perhaps he was brought up in terms of the prophecies of his mother and uncle in Luke. It was basically revealed there that He was God (plus the magi might have mentioned it :-) ). Presumably this would have been His first step of faith - accepting Himself as the Messiah, like we all have to! It does say that he grew wiser etc., so he was intellectually very human. Any other thoughts?
Funkmaster J. - if that is your real name. As I mentioned before, balance is important, so long as it doesn't numb one's intensity and turn to compromise. I'll take a leaf out of Dave's books and describe two test-tubes filled with brightly coloured, but chromatically opposite, fluids - held end-to-end with a divider in between. The danger is that the divider might dissolve (or osmosis occur) and the colours bleed into one another and form an unappealing grey. To that extent, I'd call this blog my outlet for introspection, and my life my inlet for extraversion. If you'll excuse the pretensiousness.
As to your calling to mind the importance of awareness of potential fault, see the above blog. :) I do take exception with your remark: "you can hopefully temper strong reactions in any direction". This may be a personality difference or a belief difference, but I find that to be the kiss of death. I'd rather, in most cases, have a strong reaction in a possibly wrong direction than a weak reaction in the presumably right direction. To end on a quote:
Cat: There's an old Cat saying: 'Better to live one day as a lion than a thousand years as a worm.'
Rimmer: Theres an old human saying: 'Whoever heard of a worm-skin rug?'
Just a few science facts...
Cricket is cancerous (I KNEW it!)
But sleep prevents cancer (uh-oh...)
Chocolate is good for the heart (booya!)
Girls are weak, throw them in the creek!
Friday, February 13, 2004
Chilly Down.
Aha, I have a 45 minute time limit on this blog, and I'm not planning on cutting it fine, either. There are just a couple of things to say. Here's a Rabbi commenting on the Passion of the Christ furore - and that's what I call a controversial view - especially the predictions!
Went to IWT - Team Xtreme - last night, and it was harder-hitting than I'd expected, if you'll excuse the pun. Certainly it wasn't compromising. And it was more professional than I'd expected - and the crowd was pretty big. Not to mention the altar call, now THAT was impressive. Hundreds of people streaming up the front, I've never seen that before. As for the entertainment, it was quite cool, nothing too exciting (no matter how many times the guys said "awesome" and "make some noise"). I noticed small groups of girls leaving every now and then, not their thing, I guess.
Aaaand I wanted to talk about the comments, but for some reason, they're down at this second. They'll probably be up shortly, so I'll keep refreshing. I don't even know if I'm ready to make my reply yet, to be honest. When I first read Kirk's comments (for the record, in case the comments die, he pointed out that he thought I was too inwardly-focused, and would benefit greatly [or, would be a better Christian, is probably more accurate] from reversing that), it gave me pause - naturally.
And I thought - and this still stands, whether or not you/I agree with Kirk's thoughts - that Kirk is the kind of friend I'm hungry for (not that I don't have friends like this already). Someone to gently but firmly correct - and I give you props for that, bro, you certainly weren't out off line. And at first, I agreed with Kirk - I've often said that I thought I was too selfish, and egocentrism is only a small step from that. I prayed about it, and thought about it. It's not something you can change just like that - it's a combination of action and the Spirit's movements. Going on a mission trip or the like would help in this area. Then I got to thinking how exactly my blog would look if I was more outwardly focused, and I couldn't work it out. I guess I'd be commenting more on the plight of others, perhaps mentioning my actions/plans to help.
In a sense, since I'm in a very limited social environment up here (largely just my family), I'd say I've been doing quite well (well, considerably better than I used to) this holiday, in terms of service and 'outward thoughts'. I haven't documented it quite so much; partly because my family sometimes read my blog, partly because it's all little things, partly because it's not that worth talking about. Kind of like Abbey commented.
Well, I reasoned, now I'm getting too far from the issue. The point is putting others ahead of yourself (but still behind God), rather than focusing on 'fixing my issues' to get closer to God. And that is an interesting point, but it doesn't feel right. I mean, it sounds right, but this Summer, I get the feeling (not necessarily accurately) that given my isolation of sorts (exaggeration, but fair), self-examination is the growth method for the season.
Then Donnave said that perhaps introspection vs. extra-centrism (now I'm just making up words; think 'the opposite of ego-centrism') is a matter of temperament rather than an absolute. Okay, pause. I'm kind of putting words in other peoples' mouths here, but bear with me. I know that Kirk said that introspection is important too, but that it can be overdone. Donnave also mentioned, bless her, that my introspection is helpful in her own life (which is incredibly encouraging, thank you!) Back to the argument, I felt somewhat mitigated - but not excused, not that I particularly wanted to be - by these thoughts.
At the moment (he says, following an ironic lengthy period of introspection), I'm a little muddled. Perhaps my temperament (Melancholic-phlegmatic, with a touch of sanguine, in my opinion) does favour introspection (wait... is it intra or intro? I've written it too much.), but I think there is some important, timely wisdom for me in Kirk's words. I recognise my need to put others first more, in action and in my heart. I'm not sure how to practically encourage that shift (other than prayer - which could be classed as 'aided introspection' in a way). Part of my issue, and related to my frustrating lack of response to my own sin, is perhaps a problem with thankfulness too - if I could thank God more for his gifts and blessings, which are most numerous, I would be less me-centred.
BUT - that's a dangerous path to go down, the path of "if only". In time, God will work that into me. In time, God will give me a clearer understanding of my sin. In time, God will help me be less self-centred. Doesn't mean I can ignore it now, though. I feel like I'm going in circles. Short break (5 minutes left! Oops!)
In response to something Donnave said, I'd be very keen to know more about Kirk too. As for Jeremy, he's had limited internet access all week (will until at least Monday, I think); otherwise I haven't said much he wanted to comment on, I guess. And there were more good comments, but nothing I need to reply to, which is good, cos I'm muddled. One of the keys of Christianity, I think, is KISS. Theology is good and proper, but Christian life, especially once you've got the foundations, should be simple.
So here's where I'm forced to conclude. What, then, are my conclusions? I accept the need to prioritise my heart, and give that to God. That being said, I also accept the benefits of introspection (within boundaries, of course. Anyone read Crime and Punishment? I'm just starting it...) and this blog. And I'm quite satisfied that I've probably skipped over some important points or thoughts so please - especially Kirk - don't be afraid to continue this line of discussion. I pray that I never quit being teachable (who read the Word for Today for today (hehe)?), and this blog will help that (so long as it doesn't make me proud).
Y'know, sometimes I need to just stop talking.
Thursday, February 12, 2004
Let's Dance...
Which I bought yesterday, the album, that is. For $15, booyah. It's not very good, actually. But I've gotta complete my collection, you know. So, surprisingly, the computer got fixed in record time, and my woes were unfounded. Which is nice, really. Better still, I came back to 8 e-mails and some very nice blog updates from Bing and Abbey - not to mention some delicious comments. Delicious? Good heavens, did I say that? Scaaaarrryyy... and I've never even seen Queer Eye. Although Thida maintains that I'm the 6th set of eyes (still like that top, babe?)
Aight, news, news. No news, hah! Spent today cleaning cars, shifting bricks (and building a wall from them... ring any bells, Bing? Ding a ling bing? Hehe. Come to think of it, didn't Dan spend his Summer bricklaying too, and trying to work out some scriptural parallel? Yes, he did! This Nehemiah linkage is getting scary...) and drinking too much caffeine. And looking forward to Team Xtreme take (Lower) Hutt tonight! I dunno about where you guys are at, but there's so much advertising around here... TV, posters, papers. Only thing missing is word of mouth, or media coverage (but naturally they'd ignore it).
"There will be a reckoning... when this war is over." Place that quote! Had the strangest urge today, coming from something Nicola once mentioned about the prayers of a Chinese church, to pray for persecution. I didn't, partly cos I was a little scared (duh) and partly because I wasn't sure about the ethics of praying for something bad to happen to others (as well). But it's an interesting thought... Christianity so thrives in persecution (makes me think about that prison scenario from last week), as in the first few centuries, and suffers in times of material blessing (400BC 'til 600BC? - and to a lesser extent [?], now). Which reminds, IWT seems to be having a lot of bad weather, causing a cancellation or two - be praying.
Praying. And fasting. The thought of it still makes me groan, blasted apathetic flesh! Yet it's something we - especially I - really need to get into, especially this year. So I'm asking - no, begging! - for your friendly help. Please encourage me to discipline myself to do this, I'm so sick of revelation without follow-through. It's like a damned (literally) New Year's resolution. Especially my flatties, I reckon we need to be accountable for this, if you're keen. Please, everyone, feel free to ask how I'm doing in this area, and don't be easy on me if I'm being lazy. I guess the last two chapters of Ezra (same story as Nehemiah!) brought this on, where he fasted and prayed for the people who so sinned by marrying pagan wives. I reckon Dunedinites need to pray and fast this year, and that means I need to too.
It's strange, actually. Ezra mourned over the sins of his people (and himself?), and I can't shed a tear over my own. I keep asking God for a deeper recognition of my sinfulness, and I believe He's working on it. I guess it shows me how far from Him I really am. I think it's somehow related to my ever present issues of emotional self-control (see the sympathy-empathy discussion way back when), but with obvious spiritual differences. I guess fasting, in a way, will help. It should. It will. I just need to do it. I don't really know to what extent I ought to fast, either. I'll pray about that, don't worry. It's definately something that needs to be decided on rather than "I'll fast for how long I feel I need to at the time", because that always leads to "Ooh, a mallowpuff? Well... I'm not that bad a sinner..." That would make a good (bad) ad, heh.
And I didn't think I had anything to say. Let's move to the comments. There are, once more, plenty of e-mails I NEED to reply to (Ruth, I think you're first now! Hehe), but maybe tomorrow. Besides, I've still got some funky-cool guitar tabs to print out. Well, edit and then print out. The editing is the nasty part. ANYWAYS:
Hey, Michelle! Y'know, you're an interesting person too, there's so many of us quiet types with a lot to talk about. Well... sometimes I'm a quiet type. In fact, you can talk yourself, Missy! But we should start a club of people who are sometimes quiet and other times very talkative. But the PWASQAOTVT club is a bit of a mouthful, plus, y'know. No-one would say anything. Hey, maybe you should start your own blog too! So, thanks for your understandyness. And I've since added PB's blog to my list (and removed Jeremy's, which is finally officially deader than a can of spam). And told PB so, too. And asked him to visit my blog, hehe.
Abbey - quite welcome, natch.
Donnave - Ah, you're the comment queen again! Yay! I have personally prayed for DB a few times, but it feels pretty weird, eh. But hey, maybe he'll like Brooke Fraser, who's opening for him on Saturday (which is pretty incredible, actually! And very... peculiar. How'd she score that? Or do I know the answer to that...)
Okay, someone's just texted me (either Jeremy or my sister, I bet), so I'd better head. Bet-A-Head. Sounds like a carnival game.
Amscray!
Wednesday, February 11, 2004
Black Tie/White Noise --> Aladdin Sane
There is really not much that makes me angrier than frustrated work - like writing a half-decent blog when your computer crashes. See, I'm rather slow to anger (I get that from my mother. Actually, slow to emotions might be more accurate... interesting), but waste... waste gets to me. Especially my waste. That explains one of the reasons I was frustrated at not having a job for most of Summer. Plus it's been a bad day so far, one of those "can anything else go wrong? Oh, wait a minute... this could!" Not to mention the fact that this compy is in danger of crashing AGAIN.
So the reason I was blogging already in the first place, apart from having various things comment-worthy, is that I'm taking this machine in to be repaired, and I don't know if it'll be done before I head down south - which is also something that makes me... disgruntled. Though I never wanted to be gruntled in the first place. So I had a few things to say, and here's hoping I get to say them this time!
Firstly (as I was writing when the computer went all narcoleptic), a friend texted me a comment this morning (what a crazy gal! I reckon you don't have JavaScript enabled, or you're behind a firewall or something... anyone else having trouble commenting?) about my comment to Abbey yesterday. I said that there's bound to be a reason she had something on her heart, and my friend mentioned that that reason wasn't necessarily God. Which I agree with, and didn't mean to imply that as the only option - only that we, as humans, don't tend to ask why we have certain ideas/inspirations, but that we should - especially Christians - examine that more often.
Secondly, Phil Baker's website has at least three interesting new things on it. The first, a more accurate "Death Clock" kind of thing is slightly interesting (FYI, I'll be 86. :-) ). The map of the world wide web is pretty breath-takingly funky. And there's a very long article on The Passion... - Newsweek's cover story. It's written by someone who doesn't believe the gospels are 100%, but has some interesting points on the film's differences from the Gospels. I don't agree with some of the article's points (including some of the Pilate stuff, and the antisemite emphasis), but very interesting, including the quote "In the battle over his project, Gibson has veered between defiance and conciliation," which seems to fit with the contrasting passions point we've been discussing. So, go read!
Oh, also, further down, Phil Baker questions the interest the secular audience will have in this film. I think he's being a little pessimistic - surely the controversy will draw some in, and word-of-mouth would bring others. And then there's the unspoken power of the Spirit. But what do you guys think? Non-Christians, would/will you see this movie, and why? From a cinematic perspective, it's clearly very important; as from a social perspective. But it may not do so well in the apathetic/secular New Zealand... but I might be surprised.
Thirdly, who likes the Sopranos? I do, I really enjoy it - or did when I used to watch it. Check out the poster for the latest season. Spooky... and provocative. Clearly there is a strong Catholic undertone to the show. And this relates back to my question of self-censorship of media intake. Now, disturbing images alone are not enough to warrant not seeing them, right? Otherwise The Passion and that poster in the Youth Centre at Elim would be all out. So it's clearly the spirit it was intended in. If, as I suggest, the Sopranos was made (barring the obvious goal of 'entertainment') in a spirit of moral condemnation, rather than of glorification, what then? Viewable? The poster surely displays a threat of damnation for the morally repugnant living characters (FYI, the dead people are ex-characters, mostly killed by those living), and the emotionlessness of the living characters cannot be any form of glorification. So, very interesting.
In a similar vein, I'm listening to Bowie's Acid Jazzy Black Tie/White Noise album, containing a song 'Pallis Athena'. The lyrics are "God is on top of it all. That's all." And "We are we are we are we are praying." Repeated. DB has many allusions to a Higher Being (or Beings, in some of his 70s work), and has flirted with faith (when a friend died, he stopped singing in the middle of a concert and led the crowd in the Lord's Prayer). But I can't seriously take that as being in a Christian spirit, given what I know about the man.
Well, I can safely say that I'm not angry any more. Even accidentally uncovering a huge Angel spoiler won't make me angry again (though I really wish I hadn't seen it). Reckon I've got a bit of repenting to do, though. As ever. Then away with the computer for however long, and off to buy some groceries... and maybe some shoes? And maybe I'll splash out and go to Manna too. Oh, and I'm considering going to IWT tonight, so, er, yeah. I'll update y'all (Donnave - Abbey's successfully added that to the vocabs of most of her friends!) when I can!
Until then... be angry and do not sin! Hehe.
Absolute Beginners
Five and a half days to go... two years ago, I would never have thought I was looking forward to returning to Dunedin more than to a David Bowie Concert (four days to go). But then, there's a lot that's changed since then. Y'know, I still get those nasty thoughts of 'man, you're going to feel so silly when this phase is over' - talking about my faith, there - but I never entertain them, natch.
Lazy day today, but I finally picked up my car, which was surprisingly liberating. So I'll be going shopping tomorrow, I reckon. Watched Joan of Arc, which was incredible, as ever - but sadly, it's 'taking a break' for a short time. Nuts.
Comment fest, 'cos my mind's a-blanking:
Donneve - great to hear from you... multiple times! Lemme go back and comment-comment. Let'see:
1) A "simplistic" comment regarding OT/NT differences, saying that God's consistent desire was/is for our whole heart, rather than works - OT Jews had the hope of the future Messiah as their faith (the substance of things hoped for - the latter being Jesus). Wow, that's so good, so true! I never considered faith for a future Messiah as a saving faith, but that's just what it is! It's so funny how the 'simplistic' explanations are almost always the best, in matters of faith anyway (Ockham's razor strikes again!)... thank you.
2) Regarding the Christian in prison thoughts, you said that there's a season for solitude and a season for immersion. Once again, nail on the head. I don't know what more can be said!
So, thanks for your wisdom!
Abbey - Yeah, I share your unease about the Oscar day. I have 3 or 4 lectures (when are you supposed to find out about streams anyway?) on that Monday. But we'll work something out. Where there's a will... And I reckon you should definately write something for the Critic, you'd be great! Plus I reckon if it's on your heart, it's there for a reason!
Brendan - I get in at 4:30pm (4:45?) on Monday. I'll text ya, thanks!
Michelle - Very interesting. I know of a few Protestants who, when they're older, have tended towards Catholicism for the love of the traditional and the reverence and the ritual like you mentioned, and I can definately see the appeal. However, there are many Protestants who consider Catholicism too heretical and paganized and some relate it to the antichrist! I can see some of their points, but I don't know nearly enough to make a judgment. I wonder what the Catholics think about the Protestants... Personally, I have nothing against Catholics, and can see the romance of its docrines, and its value to personal worship - which is possibly more important than most (all?) doctrinal issues. As for the pills... well, I guess I'm not too worried about addiction, since they're only Calm-U's, non-prescription and all. But it's good to be aware of your intake, I reckon.
Nothing else to say, kinda got side-tracked by a very old Married... with Children episode.
Monday, February 09, 2004
I'm afraid of Americans...
Not really, not at all. They still hold some weird fascination for me, I can't quite get it. But that's a Bowie song I may be hearing live in 5 days. In fact, this is a great time of counting down: Bowie in 5, Dunedin in 7, O-Week in 14, Passion of the Christ in 17, Oscars in 21... I enjoy having 'looking-forward-to's, makes life, well, more exciting. To me. Oh, and IWT in a few days, if I end up going, which I reckon I will. Not to all three, because a) far away and b) well, probably somewhat repetitive. But I'll let you know.
Which reminds, who saw NZ Idol last night? Go go Jessie! Heard an interview with him on Rhema (hey, I can't GET LifeFM, okay! :-) ), and he sounded pretty stoked about the whole deal, so good for him. Got a little emotional when I heard him, and he mentioned Dunedin Elim... aww. And his mother. But I reckon this isn't the last we've heard of Jessie O'Brien, not at all.
I must say, comments are really drying up of late, not much from the Americans for a long time... but Abbey did mention something, somewhere, about computer troubles. Plus the whole 5-day flight thing ( :-) ). But even so, some of the less regular blogs have been on extended holidays... in fact, only Abbey's and Brendan's are up and running - and both in fine form, I might add. Am tempted to add Phil Baker's and remove the 'inactive' ones, but we'll wait and see. Maybe people are resting, or, I dunno, honeymooning (?)
But in response to the sole comment in four days, thanks Thida! Nail thickner, worth considering. But it probably won't help if I bite them, eh? Hehe. As for the pill-popping... sigh. I'm doing far too much of that as it is. I've been taking voltaren for an ear pain that I've had since parachute, but worse are the sleeping pills (well, 'Calm-U's), which I've managed to avoid taking every night, and usually only in tiny doses, but it still bothers me somewhat. But I reckon I use them much more up here, somehow. Whether it's the heat, the bed, the cat fur/pollen... I don't know. Anyway, it's not worth worrying about (but what is?).
What a banal blog. Been reading some interesting writings of Chesterton talking about balance vs. contrast. Basically he says Paganism is all about a balance, a blend, a pink, whereas Christianity is the red and the white side by side in passionate coexistance - something that I find curious. Many people find Christianity too this (say, too inclusive) or too that (say, too exclusive), which C. agrees with, but says they're both at the same time - the lion laying down with the lamb, but not because the lion has become tame - he's as fierce as ever. He says Christianity through history has been an exciting chariot race of heresy dodging, as if it was desperately keeping an equilibrium between two raging forces. Hard to explain, as per, but an interesting way of looking at it - in the present day, says I, Christianity is both too liberal and too conservative, too traditional and too free (hence the denominations) - but you can't lose one of these extremes without the other overwhelming the whole. The Protestant needs the Catholic... or is that going too far for some? Dwell on it.
As for me (and my family... oh wait) - worked today as an extra on the TV series for a half-day, ended up working an extra 90 minutes (which makes it a full day in terms of pay) on extra wages, yet doing no 'extra' work (locking down a path / bystander relations). Basically, it turned out better than I thought it would, partly because of a 15 second incidental shot of a boy flying a kite taking 3 hours+ to film because of wind troubles. And partly because a guy we suspect was on P smashed all our props at one location and then came over to our unit and sat down buck naked. The cops took him away after covering their back seat with a paper bag. Yesterday I worked 14 hours blocking off the road for some lovely (angry) residents). So I must say, God hasn't disappointed in terms of employment!
Movie wise (three weeks!), saw Lost in Translation today - very good, very funny... but has a dodgy scene in a nude bar, making me wonder how it got a PG. The whole thing made me want to drink lots of whisky at 4am, actually. And Sofia Coppolla has progressed from the clinical depression of 'Virgin Suicides' to humorous ennui. It's probably only semi-intentional, but her films are clearly a strong indicator of her emotional states - perhaps the flaw of the amateur, but she seems to work with it quite well. Saw Cold Mountain a few days ago (seen all the Best Piccy noms now, finally!), and enjoyed it as well. Still not quite sure if it was about anything in particular... I'd call it a road movie, I guess, self-discovery kind of thing - like O Brother, Where Art Thou without the comedy (?) In that sense, the sentimentalities of it are forgivable.
Also, following Jess' encouragement (which it seems I sorely need at times. Er, not necessarily from Jess, though. You know what I mean), I wrote to the Critic asking to write an article or column (hey, it's my last year, gotta leave a mark). Dunno what'll happen from here, but would appreciate prayer. Especially if they want me to write something! Hmm, I hope I'm not doing that just because I'm guaranteed a large audience! No, I'm not.
Back to the Oscars, almost died earlier when I thought I might be in Wellington for them (cousin's wedding), but realised they're broadcast on the 1st in New Zealand, thank heavens. Jeremy gave the idea of each of us having 24 $1 coins to start with, one for each category, rather than the complications of a talley vote. I really should check that we can use Cecil's place... it's on a Monday, mind, the first day of real lectures. Hope that's no problem! :-)
I probably don't need to say it, but I'm really looking forward to Dunedin, and this year in general. It's been a great Summer, despite some troubles for the first part, but I can't wait those extra 7 days. I will, of course, but I can't. I have no plans for the next few days, save filling my nights with IWT/Bowie/perhaps some movies; and a little more shopping. But perhaps God'll provide more work, if only to give me something to do.
Does God use boredom to bring us closer to him? Not the kind of 'can't think of anything to do' boredom, but the kind of 'everything I can think of worth doing is boring' boredom... the kind that you can't see an end to. It's like depression, but instead of everything looking black, it looks completely colourless. That's probably too dramatic for it; and I'm not really feeling that now, but when you can't be bothered doing anything but praying, surely that's a sign...
Just in case, I'm outta here! :-)
Friday, February 06, 2004
Ah, there are seldom times like this...
When I have so much to blog about but I know that so little of it will be expressed. Well, que sera sera; we must forge ahead with what we can and not regret what we cannot. Am tempted to blog in reverse order - i.e., starting from now and reversing through to Wednesday afternoon, but then my brain would melt. And that would wreck this lovely keyboard.
Well, where did I leave off, hmm? Well, Wednesday night I worked, yes. And that was somewhat interesting - I got chatting with another guy in my position and got some tips on approaching a career in film - namely, get some free experience (he went to Panavision and asked if he could play with their stuff for a week), and then call people (e.g. focus pullers) and ask to help for free, then hopefully you'll be asked to work. So there's a thought. In a way, it's what I've done on the Waimate Conspiracy, for which I recently received a letter of reference - and I couldn't have asked for a better one, so that's... wonderful. Am feeling more comfortable with a film career once again, though God knows it won't be easy.
I missed taping half the programmes I said I wanted to on Wednesday night, but that's no loss. Yesterday I... wait... I... oh yeah, got a haircut. Had a bad day around 4, and got really angry. But I prayed through it (with difficulty) and got over it. It was only a trifling matter, but these happen. My car is *still* being repaired (has been since Parachute), but I've been able to use my mother's somewhat. Went to see 'Dirty Pretty Things' last night - and it's superb. No, I'd never heard of it either, but it's very good. No lasting, touching message or anything (except regarding the opression of the poor, I suppose), but that's not necessary for a good film.
Came home (and taped 'Twin Peaks: Fire Walk with Me', which I've always wanted to see... it's 3 1/2 hours, so I dunno if I'll watch it all, but I hear it's incredible) and crashed, but did a lot of reading before I slept - especially this one, incredible essay by Chesterton. It's about the book of Job, and I got so much out of it, and it was so exciting that I had to take sedatives before I could sleep. True story. I'm gonna try and mention some key points, but I really won't do it any justice.
Firstly, Chesterton submits that the main idea of the Old Testament is that all men are merely the instruments of a higher power. This fits in well with something I raised yesterday. He says that complaining that the judges and partriarchs of the OT were deceitful, sinful and un-Christian is precisely the point. Sainthood and the power of love is an NT idea; the OT is more... utilitarian, I suppose. Thus, he concludes, the OT is about the loneliness of God - the only character in the OT (the rest being tools). The OT asserts the personality and purpose of God by accentuating the impersonality and purposeless of man.
The Book of Job, then, is where it comes together. It is where man tries to uncover God's purpose. Job is not a pessimist, as some suggest, but one of the few optimists. He demands an answer from God for his sufferings, but the point is that he believes there is an answer. God's timely response, as we know, is as cryptic as they get. Chesterton says that God, for a moment, becomes an atheist. He tells the doubter not that doubting is wrong, but that he ought to keep doubting, keep inquiring, until he has lost himself in this doubt. Then, strangely, as Job does, he will be comforted by his ignorance. God's ways are literally awesome and infinitely higher than our own. Has the rain a father?
Intriguingly, Chesterton asks one final question - what effect did the Book of Job have on the first generations who read it? This is something we cannot know, but he suggests that the question of God's purpose was clearly a timely one, and clearly of vital importance for the Jews - the wrong answer would have led to complete destruction. In answering the question with neither an answer nor a rebuke, but rather questions of His own, God's answer is all too perfect.
Like I said, I can't do it justice, but it blew me away. It got me thinking about the OT people again, for a start. I had pitied their lives, their lack of hope of salvation, but I really didn't (don't) understand it. Where in the OT does it mention salvation in the sense of eternal life? The OT focuses on the legal, righteousness through works as the hope of obtaining the eternal salvation; the NT on the eternal salvation as a hope of obtaining the righteousness. As an individual, we have no right to question God's relationship with another individual, because we cannot know it. We can't say, God, why didn't you deliver this person, because that is assuming too much. How can we (I) then say that God was unfair to the OT Jews (and Gentiles!)? Do we know whether they obtained any form of salvation? No. We do know that they had a knowledge of a divine purpose in their lives...
It does all come back to the parable of the workers and the New Mathematics of Grace (as Philip Yancey puts it). The 12-hour-workers agreed to work for their wage; the 1-hour-workers agreed the same. In our eyes, the former should earn 12 times as much as the latter, but not in the mathematics of grace. I believe - we must believe - in a God who is just to judge people fairly, no matter when they were born (perhaps it is worth mentioning that God chose us to live post NT and the OT people to live then, for His own purposes).
Ramble. I know I had something worth saying in there. Perhaps it'll come out in the responses to the comments...
Kirk 1 - Prison. Criminology, eh? I would have done that this year, if Otago offered it. I'm a 5th year Law and Psych student. I think in a sense you are correct in saying that choosing an imprisoned life is a cop-out, but not fully. My recent desire for it is probably based more on a fear of liberty, rather than a desire for ministry, but I think that both are possible. I had a discussion with my friend Jeremy a while back about whether a Christian can live a 'Christian life' in isolation, and I find that I'm coming to accept his point of view more than mine - that is, that social interaction is a necessary part of Christian living. However, I also believe that there is a time, a place and a person for prison ministries, and answering that call if it is for you is not a cop-out.
Kirk 2 - OT. You're right again, of course. I was too hasty and egocentric in saying that OT times were to demonstrate our need for salvation, not merely because of the books you pointed out. To be sure, righteousness (in those days, through continuous sacrifice) is unlikely to be a requirement for OT salvation after all, because it's just an impossibility. But I am wary about delving into something like this without any solid grounds... we might get into the issue of present-day Judaism and salvation, and it's not something I feel equipped to argue about. I think it is sufficient to leave this issue with having faith in a just and gracious God, who desires that none should perish.
Buuuuut I don't agree with your interpretation of the last/first first/last comment. Well, I do, because it's clearly used in that sense too, but I think it's a lot wider than a call to service. Otherwise it wouldn't be mentioned in connection with the parable of the workers... I still believe it's (also) a statement on the 'justice of Grace'.
Jess - glad you like PB's blog; but I was confident you would anyway. :-) What would you say to those who wanted to avoid doing what you mentioned, " representing God (but) who have it so wrong and totally miss the essence of God and being a christian." What are they missing (let's assume we are allowed to ask this)? Perhaps it's an issue of pride, one of the worst sins (in my opinion, for sheer destructiveness' sake) - a problem of not being open to rebuke and wisdom? I ask largely for my own sake, I suppose. With regard to the prison issue, I think you're right too - but Kirk was better at interpreting my true (sadly) motives.
Dave - well, hello! Fancy seeing you here (there?)! I know you probably won't get a second chance to read this, but hi! Your hi-jack is most welcome!
Postscript, of sorts. My statements about the OT above were very muddled, but I ain't gonna go fix them. I don't know if they made any sense, so feel free to ask for a translation. My conclusions should be clearer. I'm not sure I agree with Chesterton's idea that the OT people were 'tools' - in a way, yes, but he clearly loved them and they freely loved Him, at times, like us. I can't think of any reason to pity them, except perhaps the OT Gentiles. But then, we are to forget what is behind and trust God with that.
I feel like I'm leaving lose ends, or perhaps 'hiding' behind my faith instead of answering the big questions. If you've picked that up, please let me know, and I'll endeavor to... erm... do... something. About it.
Groan.
Wednesday, February 04, 2004
What on earth? AGAIN?
Crazy. Two things have urged me to blog again so soon (which is fine, because I'm not working until 6 tonight). The first is an intriguing e-mail from an old, distant friend who reads this blog when she can. The second is another person's blog. Start with the e-mail... does this count as a reply within one day, hmm? You owe me a shirt!
Okay, now let's not get all cryptic. But the author raised a few points (which she tried to put in comments, but couldn't) that I wanted to, erm, comment on. Firstly, yeah, I missed Joan of Arcadia last night, but I read the transcript online - not quite the same, I know. Interesting episode, no happy ending... but yes, I also have a few theological 'raised-eyebrow' issues with the program's depiction of God. But thankfully not enough to stop me from enjoying it.
- In other TV news, I watched Nip/Tuck the other night, and was surprised... it had been recommended by various Americans, and in some sense it was interesting, but... no. It tried too hard to be sensationalist, and the main characters were completely unlikable - on purpose, I might add. It would be interesting to see how it progresses, but I won't follow it closely. And 'The OC' is a new drama starting tonight which is also recommended... and Absolutely Fabulous has a new season tonight, and an Eddie Izzard show is being screened, as is a repeat of Angel. Why am I working??? Aside over.
My correspondant commented on what I said about the wrestling yesterday, saying that it wasn't Jesus that Jacob/Isaac wrestled with. And many would agree with that. I admit I was looking for a response by saying that. But I believe that it's possible that that was Jesus - an "Angel of the LORD" who said He was God... whether it was God himself or Jesus (but remember, no living man can see God Himself), I don't suppose it really matters. I don't agree with the idea you mentioned that it might be a demon - not that you supported that idea. Nothing suggests that except for the fact that the blessing bestowed seemed to be a curse, but turned out for the better.
And the prison thing. I can't really say how I would handle it. No one could. It would be tough having no TV/Computer/movies, that's certainly true. I don't think I'd struggle too much without female contact, but I could be wrong. And perhaps cabin fever would set in - actually, I'm sure it would. But I'd hope that I'd be able to see that as a great challenge, rather than an affliction. As to how this would affect my sense of mission and commission... interesting. See, I like what the anonymous person had to comment about, in that I'd have less control over my life than I do here, which would encourage me - I'd know that I was in the right place at the right time. Yes, a lack of response would get depressing at times, but think of it. Isn't it an evangelist's dream? People without much hope, concious of their sins, literally trapped in your company? :-) Now I admit, evangelism scares me, and I daresay it's an area I need to work on, but I think that would be the perfect environment to grow such a spirit.
And then you mentioned that if (impossibly, you said, but I disagree. All things are possible), I (God) converted them all, then I'd be purposeless. But so far, my passion has been not for evangelism but discipleship, and surely so many new Christians would need discipleship. And there's also the guards to 'work on', and the people who visit the prisoners... I don't think that would be a huge barrier. But I believe also that once my work was done - and the work on me was done - I would be freed anyhow. See Acts.
There's a few other things I can say, but that can wait another month 'til I e-mail again. But I should mention that this prison-thing was also aroused by 'God's Daily Word Ministries', by a guy in Texas who e-mails devotionals every day clap clap. I think it was... Kristy who introduced me to it? He also sent me a book of a collection of devotionals, if anyone would like to check it out. Anyway, his daughter got Court-Martialed and sent to prison a couple of years ago, for drug abuse. She became a Christian in prison, and started a ministry in there. She's just come out from prison, and the whole experience was a real blessing. To her, but also to us, who got frequent updates (man, it was a beautiful day when she got saved!)
I'm talking too much for a quick update. Onto the website. At Parachute, one of the speakers was Phil Baker, and he mentioned that he had a blog. And I found it. Now, it's much more brief than mine, but I won't hold that against him. But he has some very intriguing short but sweet posts. In today's he talks about a seminar called "Mafia Inc: The Godfather on Leadership", which is rather timely. Clearly he thinks that there is wisdom to be gleamed from the Godfather movies, despite some atrocious principles therein. He also writes about doubt, and I'll quote: "Spurgeon once said that "Fierce dogmatism and angry preaching are all too often the figleaves that try to cover theological ignorance." Honest doubt keeps us authentic. " Which is encouraging to me, especially in relation to this blog. I'd rather be authentically doubtful than falsely wise. And then an interesting (for some, I got bored. :-( ) article on the death of Post-Structuralism...
Anyway, check it out if you have a mo. I've got it bookmarked. So after all that, I'm anxious to hear some more thoughts... though I never get any when I openly ask for them, so I'll just quietly tip-toe away...
Tuesday, February 03, 2004
Why am I blogging?
I blogged yesterday! We're not getting back into that again, are we? Well, perhaps, I guess. I just feel like, I don't know, talking to somebody. Partly because I spent most of my day reading letters that Dietrich Boenhoffer wrote from prison, all talking about wanting to talk to people. It's been an odd day. 8:30am-8:30pm working, got a little wind-burned and sun-burned while I was at it. Good fun, but in a different way. Didn't have that same inexplicable peaceful-joy from creative media-employment that I got on Sunday, which took me to the place of 'oh, there's really no job that can make me happy after all.' That lasted from between 6:25pm and 6:30pm when I rebuked that thought and started singing (quietly) all the songs containing "All things work for good for those who love the Lord" (or the like) that I knew. But it was still an interesting moment.
I have serious doubts about my possible film career. Partly because I see the huge, huge obstacles, partly because of my inconsistent passion/apathy pendulum of will, and partly because I don't believe that's a large part of my call. I believe there may be something else for me, whether missionary/pastoral based, or something else entirely. I have no real idea. All I have is the vague certainty (!) that I should "keep travelling this path" until I'm told not to. Which leads to problems when I tell people what I want to do (because it's only partly true), but worse, problems of fear and doubt for the future. Naturally, I understand that if I knew *less* than I do, I'd go insane and possibly lose my faith, but if I knew *more* it wouldn't be as good for me. But understanding that to the point of accepting it faithfully 24/7 is a different, troubling matter. I end up mimicing the faith I ought to have in this matter with a seemingly laissez-faire approach to life, when I'm really gritting my teeth in the knowledge that I (realistically) have no control over my future and just hoping for the best. Which works, largely, except for, you know. When it doesn't.
When I was younger, I used to be both afraid and intrigued by prison-life, something I thought was a possibility for my future. That has since changed, but then today when reading D.B.s letters, there was a sense of isolation that I found strangely comforting. Why, if all there was to do was read and write and eat and sleep, surely that is a higly desirable existence! If they could give me a guitar too, what more could I want? My sense of mission and Com-mission would be fulfilled through conversing with my fellow in-mates. But looking back at those thoughts of but a few hours ago, it's depressing that I could find that attractive. But I can't quite put my finger on why that's so. Presumably because deep within me lies true ambition, which is expressed solely in my claim to travel the journey of a struggling film-maker (aside from spiritual ambitions, that is); the same ambition which, when surpressed (c.f., oh, all of this Summer's blogs), leads to melancholy and inhibited passion. Playing guitar is a similar, easier outlet for that passion, but it doesn't quite quench it as it ought, to mix a metaphor.
I can't believe I'm writing all this stuff, in this style. I don't think I intended to. Guess I needed to express myself. I saw a bit of myself in D.B. and his plight in some of his writings. Whether my path will somehow lead to a prison of some sort is unclear. I'd guess not, but all things are possible. Perhaps I'm just looking to cry out my exasperation (which comes from the Latin words 'ex' and 'spero' - 'out of hope') over an unjust (on a worldly basis) system of faith being the substance of things unseen, in this case, a hope and a future, prosperity and security. Why I haven't brought it to God yet, He knows, not me. Perhaps I'm just using D.B.s template, not that he seemed to be ever openly frustrated without gratitute.
I think this is part of the pre-Dunedin blues. Part of an attack to wear us down before we start. This is going to be a big year. It is. It will also be a hard year for many. And we may not even see or understand why. And yes, it is exhausting to look at it like that. But what's that verse about young men running and not growing weary, old men jogging and not, erm, falling over, and eagles flying with, what was it? Hobbits in their talons? Ah, Isaiah 40:31 - "but they who wait for the LORD shall renew their strength, they shall mount up with wings like eagles, they shall run and not be weary, they shall walk and not faint. "
I knew it had eagles in it. Pity about the rest of it.
I'm just going to keep writing until I feel better. So there. I admit, it's largely because I'm tired. And exhausted. But what's the point of resting if you won't want to get up? Okay, Drama Queen (PRINCE!) attack! Hello! Like, it's not EVEN that bad, you melodramatic... Listen, Mr. internal voice, you're supposed to be on MY side, you mongrel! Grah!
Y'know, I got to that part of Genesis where all of a sudden Jesus shows up and puts Jacob in a leg-lock but he won't submit. And that's a really weird passage. In fact, there's a whole lot of richness in Genesis I never saw. I'd be interested in writing a novel filled with 'letters' that Joseph wrote someone while he was in jail for all those years. I don't know why I thought of that. But I do think the wrestling part is strange, especially the 'blessing' Jacob/Israel gets ('pop' goes the thighbone!). And yet, in a way, it makes incredible sense.
Two other OT thoughts. Firstly, it's remarkable how all these Godly people in it do such ungodly stuff - every sin under the sun, from adultery to, er, apathy. Secondly, something that's always bugged the apologetic in me (I ate him); OT times were largely to show us the need for NT salvation, right? Only one man ever got justified by the law. And, also, I guess, to show God's favour over his chosen people. But my issue is, how can He justify (objection! The witness is not on trial here!) giving 4,000+ years of people on earth no realistic hope of salvation? Has he bestowed some post-mortem justification onto some/all of them? Some people believe that.
Or perhaps the parable of the workers is relevant - those who worked for 12 hours for 1 talent vs. those who worked for 1 hour for 1 talent; the gift of salvation is God's to graciously give, and he is just to give all he agreed. So both OT and NT people were promised 'salvation if', but it was much easier (i.e., not impossible) for the NTers. And then the last sentence of that parable always gets me - 'for those who are first shall be last, and the last shall be first.' Now where on earth does THAT fit in? Perhaps it's saying that justice as we know it is totally, totally wrong, but the God's justice (grace?) is perfect...? But this issue of the OT people has always concerned me. My only assistance is really the NT passages ("... in Abraham's bosom... justified by faith..."; the transfiguration) that suggest some form of compassionate consideration given unto those pre-Christ. Which might lead some to think a similar consideration is available to the dead post-Christ, although this appears contrary to Scripture. I say 'appears', mind. Not that I want to suggest that as a doctrine (before you start shouting 'heresy!'), but I want to admit that it's something part of me wants to believe in, for better or worse.
Ah, talking about the Bible is good for your soul. I feel somewhat unburdened. But I can feel that I need to have a heart-to-Heart to get it properly sorted. Or if not 'sorted' then accepted and filed away until the adversary manages to find it again. Ironically, it's better to have a clear, simple 'filing cabinet' for these things, for although these issues are easy to find again, a simple heart can give them up so much easier. Now I don't know where that imagery came from at all, but it's quite... nice.
Stupid word, that.
Monday, February 02, 2004
Monday night, yeah you know it's all right, da da da da dum!
Okay, I kinda made up that end bit. This isn't so much a blog as a space filler, so feel free to flag. Or say that last clause ten times fast... So I went to work on Sunday morning, got there at 6:30am, stayed 'til 11am then got sent home 'cos it was a-raining men. Oh yeah, maybe I forgot to mention, I'm doing a couple more days work on "Insiders Guide to Happiness", the TV series I worked on at the start of Summer. That's what I call a blessing. Awesomely fun too, just sitting in my car directing traffic when it comes. Now, that may sound boring, and it would be, even with a book and music and prayer to keep me company. But I enjoyed it so much, I was really encouraged about pursuing film-making - I believe it's my call, at least for now. I have a strange suspicion it won't be my life career, but I can't see how. I don't really care about that.
So yeah, working again tomorrow, Wed night and Sunday all day, weather permitting. Looking forward to it, even if the starts are insanely early. But please txt me, yeah? Give me something to do. Hehe. Um... had Thida over today and yesterday, and Katie and Rach on Saturday (man, busy house this Summer!), which has been funky-cool. Except that I've been losing every single board-game we played. Although I bet Thida at bowling. Rach and I jammed (well, she played piano and I tried to strum/pick along - surprisingly fun) and jogged (which I also enjoyed somewhat... I should do that more often). Katie... er... went elsewhere. :-) Oh, she helped us make pizza! Thida and I Yahtzeed (gah!), bowled (woo!), ate bacon and eggs (mmmm!!) and bought some FUNKY jackets (woo woo! Yes, I just said woo woo. Twice, now. Now that's maaaaadness.)
Ah, and went to church! At the International Elim. An awesome service. Got a funky-cool revelation about worship, but not the usual kind. With me, revelation is usually a flash-whoa-of course! kinda thing, a 'eureka!' but this was different. It was an incredibly mellow reassurance that I found remarkably... unremarkable. But life-changing. I often get gutted about my worshipping during worship times, and pray that I can have the strength to worship like I feel I should... But God said, "Sam, you're hungry to worship me so much better - that's worship in itself. Keep up the striving, but in My strength. In the mean-time, your worship is pleasing to Me." Which was great to hear, and amazing that I felt so peaceful about it.
Comment-time:
Bing - you don't know what you're talking about. Everyone knows that coffee has no negative effects. None. Ever. Never.
Jeremy - I thought you wouldn't get around to posting your, er, thoughts. Any chance of them? Because I don't agree with your blanket "not-seperable" remark, although I probably agree with your content/message distinction as it stands.
Abbey- I don't know if I'll get around to seeing Seabiscuit, unfortunately. It's not the kind of thing I'd rent, although I might following your recommendation.
Gus - welcome to your new home. When're you gonna start blogging, hmm? Your question is very interesting... I don't know if I can actually answer it. I mean, statistcally speaking, being religious is remarkably beneficial to your health (not for all religions, though). My question originally was aiming at whether a person who believes in a god would be easier or harder to save (that is, more or less likely to be saved. I don't want to imply it's something we can do ourselves)... I'd probably say it wouldn't really matter one iota, except in the sense of 'openness'... interesting.
Oh, one more thing for people to think about before going away... at the start of the holidays I missed Dunedin (especially church) heaps; now I still do, but nowhere near as much. How do you guys feel about it? Are you guys happy with the way you feel about it? Personally, I'm going to pray for a renewed hunger/passion for it, because I don't want to waste one minute down there.
Me out.