Don't make me use my handbag!
Monday, June 28, 2004
Feeling a bit better....
Check this out. Check it out carefully. I'm in Welly with Jane here, up to some crazy antics. Tell you about it later, but right now... thanks for the comments (seriously, theý're really helpful), check the link, and have a beautiful day! See most of you at Convergence!
Saturday, June 26, 2004
Um... I had a really witty title for this one, I'm sure of it...
Where did I put it? It's probably under the couch. Or behind the fridge. Or both, which, y'know... weird. So, Saturday night, an' I'm feelin' all right... o/~ yessir. Don't know how or why this virus left me so quick (though I did get some pretty serious prayer mojo into it, so Praise the Lord), but it has. Sure, I'm still tired, and probably contagious, but that's fine. I'm going to Convergence, looks like.
And I've had a good few days, catching up with my old Wellington friends. Good people, sigh. And my family, too. And seeing a couple of movies - Carandiru and The Cooler: both pretty good, but very brutal. And a play.
But what I *really* brought you here to talk about... sigh again. Okay, I'll talk about it. See, I haven't slept well in a week or so, which is shocking for me. That is, except for the two 1/2 hour catnaps I had today, which were grrrrreat! But that's not what I'm here to talk about. And I've been sick - briefly - and got an infected toe, and blah blah blah everything turning to custard. But not really, because I'm doing great. And it got me thinking, see, maybe it's God's way of telling me to get over myself...
Which actually sounds paradoxical, but that's how God works. It'd be just like Him to allow me to have these bad, painful things happen to me in order to help me see that it's not about me. Because that's one of my biggerest (yes, biggerest) failings - putting me first. Maybe my biggest. Then again, that's really what almost all sin boils down to, isn't it? Hmm. Not sure. Not relevant. And it's a good call too, because every time I get to Wellington I sink back into my old me-centred self. Seeking my comfort. Which is really... icky, come to think of it.
Not to say - Blog disclaimer number 8 - that I'm dramatically *less* self-centred in Dunedin, but it's easier not to be. I don't know why. I don't think it matters too much right now, that's just the way it is. Okay, so, that's the setting for what I'm *about* to talk about. So you know where I'm at, kinda not feeling too hot, and kinda feeling unspiritual, but not likely to do heaps about it (sad, but true).
So then *last* night, I had trouble sleeping. No surprise, you say, but this time was different. I'd been reading about three books ("The Heavenly Man", "No Compromise", and "Where is God When it Hurts?" - all highly recommended) and started getting convicted. About what, you cry, what could Sam possibly get convicted about???!!!
Tongue-in-cheek just a touch there.
See, I felt really bad about my inaction. My laziness. My self-centeredness. I mean, *really* bad. Like, crying in agony bad. It was peculiar. And it seemed to morph from conviction into self-condemnation and guilt, like really full on. And I'm not sure that's really from God, because that just seems wrong. Moreover, although it was painful, I couldn't see what I had to do - and I couldn't get a peace about anything. Worse, íf there had been a 'Sign here to become Selfless' contract floating before me, I wouldn't have signed it; for all my conviction, I felt - feel? - like it would cost TOO MUCH to change.
Think about that for a second. That hurts.
And I thought of excuses for my desire to be inactive - well, currently I'm on holiday, then I'll be doing Convergence, then I'll have study and preparing for missions and Cutting Edge - and that didn't help either (which seems obvious, but they were pretty good reasons). And I thought about the mission to Chile, and thought about how that would involve being active and helping, and would be good. But then I got the sense that I can't expect to love people over there if I can't love them here!
Double ouch.
Now... now I'm at a loss. And I try to console myself by thinking of most Christians I know and comparing... which is a big no-no. This is horrible. I mean, it's conviction, it's supposed to be. It's supposed to change me. And I want it to, I really really do. But I don't want to do whatever else I'm supposed to do. Garn!
I keep writing stuff and deleting it. I keep writing things that justify myself and then change my mind and say no. No, there is no excuse. I am very far away from my goal of loving God, and I am very far away from my goal of loving my neighbour. Very far. Because love without works, like faith, is dead. There's so much in the Bible condemning people who love but don't help. Yes, I do some things. But if - and this is a big one for me - I examined the 24 hours I am gifted with every single day and divided it into time spent on God, time spent on/for others, neutral time, and time spent on me...
God.
It chokes me, just thinking about it. And I say again, the worst part is that although I know how terrible that is, I don't see that changing much any time soon. And I've said to myself, "Man! There's no point in going to another conference if you're not loving people! That's the FOUNDATION. That's what it's ALL ABOUT." Okay, if there's a need, I'll usually try and fill it. But when, WHEN have I gone out seeking people with needs? Okay, I pray (a little), but for heaven's sake - yes, exactly - that ain't enough either!
So why don't I want to change? Well, I look at the options. I can't see any possibility to change that's not a massive overhaul. I'd (possibly?) love to be able to sign up to volunteer somewhere, but most of those require a one year commitment. And even if they didn't... would I?
Seriously, I want to lay the smack down on myself sometimes. Like actually, physically beat myself up. I used to do that. I couldn't now, because my body is a Temple of the Holy Spirit. But I feel sickened by 'me'.
And I'm also tempted to request that any commenters don't write to tell me that I'm being too hard on myself. But that may be true, so just, please make sure you mean it if you do. I *know* God is a God of grace, and his forgiveness is there. But repentance involves a change of heart, and I can't see my heart being changed. This is a huge leap. A chasm.
So, I'm really surprised that came up. Presuming (and oh God, I'm hoping) I get through this in one piece, it'll be a very important step towards preparing myself for Chile. And even without that, it's something I need to face. Because, and let's face it, it's a pretty fundamental issue.
Prayer is required. And yet - for some reason it's harder in Wellington, much harder. I woke up this morning, feeling like I did last night (which I'd prayed for, so I wouldn't just 'get over it'), and yet I couldn't bring myself to get into extended prayer. A large part of that reason is fear, fear that my parents would hear me. Which is another thing I've found - I'm still ashamed of the gospel around my old friends and family. Which is another big red cross on my scoreboard. It's looking very red and crossy at the moment. I can't think of one good thing I've got that I can put up there.
Except Jesus.
Thursday, June 24, 2004
"I feel a-tragic like I'm Marlon Brando..."
Ah, Gus! I just got you Monty Python reference in your comment on my handbag post. Very good, what. Very, er, intellectual.
So here I am, in sunny (really!) Wellington. And I’m sick. Again. Shocker. I used to be so healthy, but the past year… man. Pretty crazy, really. I’m getting used to it, though, and it’s a blessing to have Med-student flat-mates at my Dunedin home, and a Mother-Nurse at my Wellington home. And a Community Services Card, that’s good too. :-) Still, it’s annoying. Especially when the doc warns I’m so contagious I should consider not going to Convergence.
Consider *not* going??!?! Hah!
Maybe. I don’t want to get anyone else sick. That would be a pretty altruistic thing to do, considering how much I’m looking forward to Convergence. Hum.
Thursday… ooh, haven’t blogged for three days. That’s odd. So, been taking things easy here. Although I’m hanging out with people both tonight and tomorrow night, which will be both fun and tiring. I’m getting old. Heh. Actually, Bing/Dave/Jane – when does your ferry get in on Sunday? Do I need to be picking you up?
No luck with the Priest yet, he hasn’t responded to my e-mails.
So, interesting thing, when I write or talk about either of two things – the trip to Chile, and the possible film job – I get really excited. Like, weirdly so. I can only presume it’s a God-thing. The Chile trip I understand, but I wasn’t under the impression that film was going to be a big thing in my life. Maybe I was misreading the signs. I guess we’ll wait and see, but I’m going to do all I can to make this job work.
I’m sure I had more stuff to say. Nope. Saw my old mate Steve and Woolworths today (he’s been working there for… 5 years+? Crazy!). He’s looking older. I was his date to a high-school ball way back when (don’t ask), back when I worked at Woolies (don’t ask either). He really reminds me of Justin S., of all people. Except with a lisp.
I really want to go shopping. Like, buy a book, or a CD, or a shirt, or something. I’m in the mood to shop. But I’ve gotta save my money for Chile. Although I’m tempted to splash out, and then hope God’ll be like “Well, Sam, guess you need more money now”… BLE$$ING$... oh dear. Here comes the lightning. Hey, that’ll be another good thing about getting a semester 2 job – no more me complaining about money!
In theory.
Hmmsies, what else is there to talk about. Seems like my fear of flying has rapidly diminished. It’s a very good idea to be distracted on a plane, by talking/reading/praying. Of course, the splitting sinus-headache from the pressurization probably helped get my mind off the whole “aaaah-splat” thing anyways. True story.
Oh yeah, Sandy and Jenna… hi! Yeah, all of us are from Otago – except for Ruth (well, Ruth1 – phyntosia. Ruth2 – 12uth is). Thanks for your input, I’d love to know more about you. Where are you guys from, what do you study? Oh, and Jenna, I highly recommend you start blogging. It’s very good.
So although I love being in Wellington, and seeing my family, and my friends (okay, I haven’t seen any yet, really, but I *assume* I’ll love it :-)), I miss Dunedin. Not just the people… the fast internet, the big warm room, the electric guitar (my Dad’s acoustic is here, but the electric is better when you’ve got a sore throat and a blocked nose, cos you don’t need to sing), the fast internet… oh, I mentioned that. Hehe. On the plus side, this place is basically an all-you-can-eat buffet, and my parents like their snack-food! Which is odd, because they’re both totally into their fitness and stuff. Huh. Oh, and I have a car here. Not mine, but a car.
If… if… if I end up in Dunedin next year, I’m gonna need to chose. Last I spoke to Dave, he was keen on getting a nice house in the suburbs. Jay was keen on staying. I don’t really mind – although it’d be easier to stay – but I’d rather not have to choose between the two. And I’ve got no idea what Gus is doing. On the other hand, I might be able to stay with Bing in Wellington, so that’s a pro. But I’m not *seriously* looking at this like that, that won’t decide anything. It’s just worthy of mention.
Speaking from now, from today, from Thursday the 24th of June 2004, in Wellington, with the flu, here’s what I WANT. If I could choose. I’d want to stay in Dunedin and do this film thing, and flat with Dave and J, probably in the suburbs. And I’d bring my car down. I’m not sure if that’s what God wants, but that seems to be what I want now. Not hugely, not desperately – but perhaps that’s because it’s not yet a real possibility. And perhaps that’s a good thing to keep me sane.
If it seems like I’m putting a lot of emphasis on this vague possibility of film-work, yeah, I am. Too much. I should be focusing on God first, and I’m trying. But the fact is, I’ve spent so long and so much of me looking for something to passionately pursue (in a material sense), that when this vague, unlikely opportunity to do something I would enjoy, and could do well (although it would have its own challenges)… I guess I’m grasping it with both hands.
Funnily enough, I haven’t told my parents yet. They’d be anxious to know, and I was in the middle of telling them last night when I was interrupted and my Dad started talking about making a long list of options and discussing it with him and had I thought about doing that and that would be a good idea. It’s funny, my parents would love to organize my life. I know they’re only doing it cos they want what’s best. Maybe I’ll get around to telling them tonight.
I just wish I had more to go on. About this job thing. At the very least, I’ve got a passion. Or a slight passion. And yet… is the passion “doing film” or is it “doing film in Dunedin for a year or so”? I’m not sure, but I don’t have the same hunger to do the same thing in Wellington – but that could be because there’s no possibility of it that I can see…
Arrr. I’m not gonna think about this. I’m trusting God with it, and praising Him for the progress that He’s shown me – because even though it’s not much, and it may not amount to much, it’s a sign that I’m not left alone in the miry clay, as it were. Which is nice.
God bless! I’m off to… um… read?
Oh yeah – the exam was fine. Heh.
Monday, June 21, 2004
It would probably be smart to be studying for my exam tomorrow.
And so I will, I will study for my exam tomorrow. Tricky, eh? How’s things? Aight, I’m pretty good. Feeling comfortable about the exam, clearly. Pretty good day today, got some great guitar practice in – acoustic and electric. While there’s only so much time you can play the first for without doubling over in pain every chord-change (big hard steel strings, lots of pressure required), the latter provides hours of pain-free entertainment! Unless you’ve been playing the acoustic first, of course. Heh.
So in blog news, there’s a new Ruth in town – well, she’s been here for a while, actually. Check the link off to the right. Don’t know her too well, but she seems pretty cool indeed. Also, you may notice, Katie blogged today! Well, half-blogged, half-stole someone else’s blog. You’ll have to read it to see.
Surprisingly unrelated to slightly parallel discussions in Bing’s and Becs’ blogs, I’ve been thinking about money a lot recently. Of the face of it (‘prima facie’, in legal-speak), I’m comparatively rich. Which is great! On the other hand, that ain’t really true. I certainly have been blessed with finances, and yet… hmm. Maybe I ‘think’ poor, maybe that’s it. But I don’t really do that either, I don’t really care about money. It’s just… you know… walking through Manna… looking at music, books, DVDS… it can bring out the covetousness in most people. And what money I do have won’t be hanging around for long, either.
Ah, it’s no biggy. I’ll be earning some time soon. This Summer. Maybe earlier. Maybe.
I’ll talk now. About the mystery I hinted at in my last blog. I don’t like keeping secrets. Which is interesting in itself, I guess. Anyways, I got an e-mail on Thursday night from a guy, Steve Chernishov, who I had coffee with today. He runs Surface Productions, a one-man media business in Dunedin. You can see where this is going. He was a student last year, and he’s got some pretty big customers. He’s looking to expand, which requires people to work with him. And he’s looking at starting to need people early next semester.
That’s pretty much as much as I know. I met Steve last year, and I brought up the possibility of working together (he’s trying to create a creative community, with resources and opportunities and stuff). He never got back to me, and only got in touch with me through Yogs, who was working with him on the Cutting Edge promo video I was helping with a while back.
I didn’t talk about it last time because it was all very vague and “possibilityish”. Unfortunately, that didn’t change much after today’s meeting. Dude’s got a passion, and got the resources, though. So what do I expect from it? Well, hopefully I’ll do some freelance-style work with him next semester, if I’m free. And maybe… maybe… maybe it’ll continue into next year, after the mission. I’m not sure. I don’t think it’s anywhere near certain enough – at this stage – to warrant working with him over Summer, rather than elsewhere (e.g. with Dave in an orchard). But it’s interesting. Is this an open door, an answer to my prayer? Well, it’s at least a sign that God’s listening, no matter where it leads. On the other hand… talking with him did reignite the hunger for film I thought had faded, as well as a passion for the community/environment he was discussing.
So yeah, I’ll be praying and thinking about that. As ever, you’ll know pretty soon after I do what’s going ahead with that. Either way it’s pretty cool.
I know this isn’t a long blog, but that’s okay. Some people don’t read those anyway. :-)
And now, to studying. Wait, wait... Y ahora, a estudiando. Man, do I even need to study? Hehe. Just kidding. Let's not get (too) arrogant, hmm? Sheesh. I'd be worried about pride if I thought I did well on my other exams. :-)
Sunday, June 20, 2004
You remember the weapons scene in the Matrix?
Where the shelves of weapons come rushing toward Neo and Morpheus? That's what this made me think of. There is some hideous firepower on this page. What an incredibly threatening arsenal.
Saturday, June 19, 2004
I guess I could… blog…
Exams are over. No, no they’re not. Not really. But I’ve already passed Spanish, which is Tuesday afternoon’s exam. And which I’ll study for on Monday, and even then not a great amount. So I’m at a bit of a loose end… which I’m not liking, to be honest. I mean, I like the freedom of it, but I’m not sure what to do with myself. I even started studying for my Evidence exam, which is in November. On the other hand, I got some great guitar practice in. By the way, I’m more than happy to take suggestions as to which songs I should learn to play, if anyone’s keen to offer… please?
Oh, I should say that my exam – what was it? Criminal Justice, yeah. It went well. Not hugely well (I felt like I wasn’t writing enough), but I’m thinking it was a B. Perhaps. Worst case – a C, but I don’t think that’s likely. I didn’t have heaps of time to study for it. Also… what happened on Thursday night? Oh yeah, Mel came over. Had a great time just hanging, good fun. Friday night we had our first missions meeting, with our (Chile) team as well as the other two (Malawi and the Philippines). And Carmi, of course. That was great, although it hasn’t really sunk in that we’re going going yet. And if anyone wants to start praying for us already, our first hurdle is that we’ve got to each get a rather substantial amount of money within a month. God will provide. In all honesty, though (which is what this blog is about!), I’m not so concerned about me getting the money. But that’s cool.
Actually, since I haven’t really mentioned it, and it’s good to get it down for the records, here’s some Chile team information. Led by David Pomeroy, the team consists of myself, Dave Hawkes, Jessica Mclean, Charissa Bartlett (who I’ve now met twice), and Claire Huang (who was absent last night, and I only met once – at my party). We’re tentatively booked to fly to Chile via Buenas Aires, Argentina, on the 4th of January 2005, and return on the 4th of February. We’ll be staying with Pastor Mickey Gonzales and his church in Santiago, the Chilean capital. I’ll probably be taking my video camera, FYI. Although note that my blog access from November to February may be severely limited (November to December – if I stay with Dave P. in Hastings).
And once we get back, I’ll be..............................................................................................................................................
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...........................................................................................................................................................................Exciting, aye! Who’d a-thunk it? :-)
So that’s that. I’ll keep you updated as soon as information comes in. Prayer requests – finances, as mentioned. That all of us in the team (all the teams, actually) would get a burden for the places and people we’ll be visiting. That we’d learn humility and that our quiet times would be great. And protections.
Okey-doke, shorter-term… on Wednesday (four days) I fly ‘home’ to Wellington. I’ll spend a week there, doing… I don’t know. Perhaps I might get a few days’ work, or not. Maybe I’ll just visit old friends. I’ll be visiting a priest (yes, Ruth, a priest :-)) who has experience in the field of Bioethics, and discussing that with him. To be honest, I’m not sure if my interests lie there any more, but it would be wise to go and talk with him, with an open mind.
Interestingly, I received an e-mail yesterday… I won’t go into it. Not yet. Needless to say, it could be the glimmer of an open door. But I don’t want to get anyone’s hopes up – not least my own! – so that’s all I’ll say about that for now. Sorry if it’s keeping anyone in suspense, I figured I’ll at least say this to keep you all as in-the-loopy as possible. I’ll let you know if anything comes from it, otherwise assume that it was just a false alarm.
I’m looking forward to Convergence. I dunno if it’ll live up to my almost-2-years worth of expectations, though. Hehe. But it’s strange – apart from that, there’s nothing happening for the next month. And I dunno if it’s just the post-exam slump, but I feel like I ought to be doing something. And yet on the other hand, I know that most things that I could do – like helping people with stuff – just wouldn’t be fun, and I wouldn’t commit to them. And I know my goal is getting closer to God, which requires spending more time with Him, but I don’t feel like doing that right now. I’ll probably end up doing it later this evening, anyway. Heading outside, finding a quiet spot to pray.
I just read the link Reuben posted to me - calling Buffy the “theologian of the year”. Which, with respect, is something I’ve been saying all along. Nay-say all you like, Buffy presents – presented – a different view of the world we know it, and it’s a world that’s closer to the world the Bible describes than almost everything else out there. Actually, as a side note, there’s an animated Buffy series being created, which is exciting news. I just hope it keeps the same tone and message.
“OK, sure. Buffy has been criticized by some religious reviewers for its emphasis on the occult, violence and sex. But consider these points:
— Star Sarah Michelle Geller did homework for her role by reading the whole Bible through in 1999.
— Two actors in the series have become Christians on the set. (Sam – I wonder who!)
— A spinoff show, Angel, about a vampire who receives a soul and struggles with guilt and redemption, was hailed by Chuck Colson's Breakpoint review as a "flower" in TV's wasteland.
— Ms. Geller (no relation to spoon-bender Uri Geller.... we hope) told Entertainment Weekly, in response to questions about the show's controversial content: "We're like the most religious show out there! We're more religious than 7th Heaven!"
“When Spike, a leading-role vampire, first arrives, we hear a vampire saying, "This weekend, the night of St. Vigeous, our power will be at its peak. When I kill her, it'll be the greatest event since the crucifixion. And I should know. I was there." Spike answers, "You were there? Oh, please! If every vampire who said he was at the crucifixion was actually there, it would have been like Woodstock. I was actually at Woodstock. That was a weird gig. I fed off a flower person, and I spent the next six hours watching my hand move."”
I guess I feel a little vindicated, to be honest. I had wrestled with myself – there’s a blog entry from… October? about this – about whether I ought to be watching these shows. And to be honest, no-one was really helpful with this problem, except for a few people who talked about it on this blog. I did find the “emphasis on the occult, violence and sex” disturbing, and often ended up looking away at some points. But I also looked beyond that and found some enduring value as – you guessed it – a parable. And as one of those few programs that actually examine questions and question postmodern values.
Okay, that’s enough of that. Thanks Reuben, that was great. Makes me want to watch more. Hehe. Interestingly enough, I’m listening to the first season Buffy soundtrack as we speak. Craziness. Good ol’ Nerf Herder.
You know, another gripe I have – all the good movies have come out. There’s really not many movies this year that I’m looking forward to. There’s no Lord of the Rings, for one thing. I mean, there’s some that I’m somewhat looking forward to, like Spidey 2, The Ladykillers… and the coming film fest. But not much else. Sad. Saw Shrek 2 last night, that was really cool. As good as the first one, perhaps better. Not the kinda thing I’d see twice, not at the theatres anyway. And was it my imagination (or my being in the third row from the front of the biggest screen in Dunedin) or was the animation much more detailed this time around?
Come to think of it, that movie thing is bugging me. I’m going to scan through a release date list and see if there’s anything I’ve forgotten. No, there’s really not. There’s movies I’d vaguely like to see – Garfield, The Village, Stepford Wives, I, Robot, Thunderbirds… but nothing special. Sad, sad. This year started off well, movie-wise.
Bet they’ll all come out when I’m in Chile. :-)
Friday, June 18, 2004
Tolstoy and Gandhi
Some very interesting letters from about a century ago, between these two thinkers. I really like Tolstoy's comments: "The longer I live-especially now when I clearly feel the approach of death-the more I feel moved to express what I feel more strongly than anything else... the doctrine of the law of love unperverted by sophistries.
Tolstoy was an intriguing thinker. That's for sure. Not sure where I stand on his 'Christianarchy', though, but that's not important. Check it out.
Thursday, June 17, 2004
The Melancholics’ Malaise
Bloggers are often melancholic. Most in our circle are. Because that’s the kind of thing a melancholic will do – pour their energy into creative writing. And for some reason… well, there’s a good number of us who are not in the best place right now. Maybe it’s the season-change (“Oh, the Times, They Are A-changin’), maybe the cold, maybe the exams, maybe the fact that home and holidays are within sight. Maybe it’s a spiritual thing. ‘Why’ isn’t hugely important. But it’s true. Mel’s down, Abbey’s sick, I’m struggling, Jane’s down, Bing still can’t find what he’s looking for. Becs and Ruth seem okay. But check that out. Check it. Something’s going around, or down. Please pray for us all.
It’s funny, there’ve been some pretty hardcore discussions on Ruth’s blog recently, and some deep and meaningful comments on my site, and e-mails. And some blogs that I feel it is important to respond to. But I really, really don’t feel like it. I’m all thought out, all kick-back-and-relaxy. Which is understandable, given my last big exam was this morning. On the other hand, I should be supporting those who aren’t feeling tops. Cos that’s how it works. And I need to thank all those who supported me too, because all e-mails, texts, comments, prayers and chats have been so greatly appreciated, even if they weren’t directly and explicitly comfort-y.
I should backtrack. I should respond to the comments and update as to my situation. And I will. First, another word about Chile: expensive. Heh, but we already knew that. We’re having a mass-missionary-meeting here (like, here, in my room) on… ooh, tomorrow night. Which will be really good, I reckon. Plus, you know, nachos. So good!
Comments:
Firstly – again – big mucho grande thanks to all who commented. Comforting. Abbey and Ruth’s, er, impassioned comments were interesting. :-) (is that a smiley there? Did that work?) No, they were very helpful, all of them. Except that, oddly, they pointed in different directions. Like all advice I’ve gotten on this subject. Basically, my dilemma (ooh, literally! I’m sure this is an actual dilemma, with two… lemmas. Look it up. Hehe. I mean, :-) ) involved either a) trusting God was giving me freedom to decide by myself; or b) trusting God was going to reveal the right decision to me. I want it to be b), for reasons I’ve hopefully made clear. Jeremy and Donnave seemed to suggest a), Abbey (and possibly Ruth?) suggested b). And we’re completely ignoring what Gus suggested. Hehe.
All right, so where now? Funnily enough, after posting that, I had a rotten night in bed thinking (same with last night, actually. Gutted). I was pretty frustrated, so I decided that I’d get The Boys to pray for me the next day – they owed me one. And maybe I’d get prayer at church. Then the next day – Wed – I had a peace about it. But I’d promised myself, so I got prayer (plus I’ve previously done something similar, and it came back up after the opportunity to pray had pass – grrr).
And at the same time as I was prayed for, I knew what I had to do. See, I’m not seeking what I should do next year, not yet. I’m seeking what I should do about what I’m doing next year. I.e. make my decision or wait for God’s. I wrote a while back that this was one of the Two Big Issues on my heart. The other was getting closer to God. And God told me straight out (through the boys, and my heart confirmed it) that that was the wrong priority. I needed to seek Him again, put Him first. Seek ye first the kingdom of heaven and all the rest shall be added to you. As I said to Ruth earlier this week, I had Spiritual Goals and Passions (get close to God, take others with me), but a lack of Worldly Goals and Passions (e.g. be a filmmaker or lawyer).
Long story short, I need to get God back to first place. Which is hard, which is frustrating… or it should be. It’s actually incredibly encouraging and peace-y. Peaceful, that’s the word. “Peace-y”. D’oh! But yeah, that’s what I’m doing. Whether or not the a) or the b) happens (or a c)), it doesn’t matter as much any more. Not right now. I’ll keep praying about it, maybe ask for some signs, but my prayer won’t be my Goal. God is my goal. That deserves a separate line.
God is my goal.
As for my actual plans, I’m doing a little investigating in Wellington (seeing a priest, actually), and working out when the cut-off date is for Bioethics. And trusting. And having fun. Oh, and living, following my Spiritual Goals. All of which is kinda what people had been telling me all along. Whether it’s because it doesn’t make worldly sense, or because it wasn’t my own thought, I’m not sure. But it’s in my heart, my soul now. You know that feeling? When people tell you something, and you hear their words, and get the ‘outline’ of what they mean, but don’t feel it until you learn it yourself? Once again, if you do, you do. If you don’t… you will.
So I’ve got 6 days until Wellington. I’ll spend a small amount of that time studying, but what else? I want to help/encourage those who need it, I reckon. And yet… well, that doesn’t feel right. I’m sure God’ll provide something funky-cool. In the meantime, um, I’ll be looking for it.
One last thing, a point of note. Jeremy left yesterday, Abbey left today. Both times it – strangely – felt like a big thing. I mean, I could see Jeremy within a week, I will see Abbey in a month. But it felt like the last time. Maybe that’s the melancholic melaise after all.
Wednesday, June 16, 2004
This isn't quite where I'm at yet, but I will be.
Ready for the Storm, by Rich Mullins
The waves crash in the tide rolls out
It's an angry sea but there is no doubt
That the lighthouse will keep shining out
To warn a lonely sailor
And the lightning strikes
And the wind cuts cold
Through the sailor's bones
Through the sailor's soul
'Til there's nothing left that he can hold
Except a rolling ocean
Oh I am ready for the storm
Yes sir ready
I am ready for the storm
I'm ready for the storm
Oh give me mercy for my dreams
'Cause every confrontation seems to tell me
What it really means
To be this lonely sailor
And when the sky begins to clear
The sun it melts away my fear
And I shed a silent weary tear
For those who mean to love me
Oh I am ready for the storm
Yes sir ready
I am ready for the storm
I'm ready for the storm
The distance it is no real friend
And time will take its time
And you will find that in the end
It brings you me
This lonely sailor
And when You take me by the hand
And You love me, Lord, You love me
And I should have realized
I had no reasons to be frightened
Oh I am ready for the storm
Yes sir ready
I am ready for the storm
Yes sir ready
I am ready for the storm
Yes sir ready
I am ready for the storm
I'm ready for the storm
Tuesday, June 15, 2004
Ruth has a giant purple rash running down her legs. Oh, and I’m going to Chile.
Excuse the title. It’s a private joke between Ruth and I. But they’re both true, apparently. The first is of little interest (sorry Ruth), but yeah, I’m going to Chile over Summer. For a month or so. Exciting… although it hasn’t sunk in. I need to organize stuff, hmm.
Anyways, since exams are on, and I don’t feel remotely original, I’m gonna start by responding to comments, which I haven’t done in ages. Well, that wasn’t a non-sequitur in my head, honest. Okay, okay. Where do we start?
Okay, no. Flag that. Nothing I can really reply to in that lot, which is good in a way. It’s been great to get those discussions about my choices… although Aunt Donnave’s comment “perhaps God was saying that He could work His perfect will no matter which choice i made. and that it was His delight to give me this choice” actually made me feel a little… I guess uncomfortable. Sorry Aunty D.! It’s just that I don’t want to have to make a choice about this, because I have no… I don’t know. I’m not comfortable with any of the options I’m considering, so I’m proceeding on the basis that there’s either going to be a new option that’s perfect, or I’m going to start to like one of them. That’s what I’m giving to God.
Maybe I haven’t been as open about this as I should be. This is testing my faith more than almost anything else I’ve faced so far. I mean, theoretically, it’s not a biggy. Maybe God is giving me the choice to choose, even if I don’t like my choices. But in actuality, I’m putting a lot of faith in God, a lot of trust. And that’s immensely scary. If everything works out as I trust (hope?) it will, it will be an incredible testimony to myself, and I’m glad I’m recording it. But… sigh. It shouldn’t matter. Or should it? Again, in all painful honesty, Ruth’s scenario is most challenging – if God didn’t talk to her, why would He talk to me?
And then I naturally start to think, well, what if He already has, and I’ve either missed it or mistake it for something else? And then I end up thinking, well, He’s still in control, even if I’ve messed up. I’m going to trust Him still. Trust that He will either open a new door, or guide me to one of the present ones.
I don’t like writing this. I know it’s discouraging to you who read it. And perhaps some of my non-Christian readers will be ‘claiming victory’ now (although that’s a really harsh and unfair way of looking at it, that’s what fear does). Yeah, I’m afraid. And I’m not supposed to be. I’m supposed to give it to God, leave it in His hands. But every time I do that – every time I ask God not to let me try and take it back – I still end up in the same position. Waiting. Wanting.
Someone suggested I get prayer about this from someone at church. I don’t think that’s such a bad idea.
Also, it’s interesting that this is distressing me so much now, in the midst of exams, physical pain et cetera. Although that’s mostly gone. Hey, I know, maybe I’ll bring it up in my life group (or both of them) tonight… sure, it’s not a positive testimony, but it’s honest, it’s… raw. Although it was going to be a ‘light’ night, with games and fun. We’ll see.
Y’know, narrative flow-wise, I should end there. I’ve had my moan, expressed myself, left it with a slightly unsatisfying cliff-hanger ending… but I’m gonna keep blogging. Not sure why. So, 1PM would have just finished, and I haven’t been since last Wednesday. It’s okay, I’ve got some very good reasons. It just feels weird. I’m actually missing it. Maybe I should try and go tomorrow… even though I have an exam on Thursday. Not sure. I’ll see what God says.
Oh bum. J
Once again, good place to stop blogging. Nice circular narrative with a touch of light-hearted humour (get it? I’ll see what God says? Get it? Aw…) But no! Wow, I certainly am a man of surprises. You just don’t know WHAT I’m going to do next! Hehe.
So Brendan blogged last night. Actually, I lie. He posted lyrics to a song we’ve all heard a million times. He couldn’t handle the heat. Well, buddy, I’m afraid it’s not gonna stop until we get a PROPER blog, okay? You know, I think there’s a market for Blog-Mafia… Gus, wanna make a website? You can include some nice desktop art, some .wavs, stuff you can print out and glue to things… stencils you can spray-paint through. Wow, that could actually work. hehe.
In other news, Freeman’s just destroyed his own city in Metropolis. I need to listen to something else. Or study.
OR… both?
Maybe I’ve forgotten how to stop writing. I reckon it’s the exams. I mentioned today that I wish I’d made more use of the fact that I had a Labour Law exam last Thursday. You know: “Sorry I couldn’t make the meeting, I was in labour.” Or, “Oh, I didn’t find labour too painful, just annoying. Two hours… yeesh!” But no. I could almost come up with something for the Competition exam I had this morning… I’ll leave that to Gus to comment on. What about Thursday’s Criminal Justice, hmm? That’s a three hour exam. I really really really really really really really (TM Dave Lim) need to study for that. True story.
You know, in all seriousness, sitting the exams – especially Competition – made me feel that for once, I’m actually learning something useful. Like, I know stuff about mergers and boycotts and tying and stuff… which would become useful if I were ever in business. Which would be weird. Sam the suit. Doesn’t really gel. This better not be God talking. J Nah, I could be a business-man if I had to. It’d be weird, very weird. I dunno, I just dunno any more.
Oh, did I mention? No, I didn’t. I didn’t mention that Jeremy and I watched the final episode of Angel (followed by the final of Friends, which was okay). It’s over now. Cool ending (sad, very sad though). Felt a little down afterwards, as per. But it’s exciting to get it over with. Which is strange. Fiction… fictional worlds… fictional characters… they impact me quite a bit. I can get very involved. That’s one of the main reasons I like film, actually. Involvement. I can’t describe what it felt like to be involved in the Buffy-verse (Buffy and Angel are – were - in the same ‘universe’, with cross-overs etc), but it was really… special. I would have spent more time with some of those characters than with most of my friends. Seriously – 110 1 hour episodes for Angel, more for Buffy… that’s pretty incredible. In fact, I’d estimate I’ve watched Angel (the character) for about 150 hours in total. That’s… wow. Thinking about some people I met this year… Mel. I’ve probably spent… 30 hours max with her. A bit more online, plus e-mails. And a lot more to come. But yeah, technically I’m about 5 times closer to Angel. Okay, okay, it doesn’t work like that… for one thing, it’s one-way. But I make my point, right? Very hard to let go. It would be similar for Friends with some people, but not – Angel (dare I say it) is more realistic. Was. Was.
But you know what? It’s no biggy. The biggest impact it’s left on me (apart from a grieving period – I’m serious!) is a hunger to sink my teeth into (sorry) another show. That’d be cool. There’s nothing good on, though. It makes me think, though… fictional worlds are so entertaining, so cathartic, so involving. It’s hard (for me) to imagine being without them. Even books. And I wonder sometimes whether I’ll miss them in heaven. That sounds really… stupid. And it is. But yeah, it’s strange. And this is a part of my blog I’m going to totally regret writing one day.
But no, it’s important for me to blog about Angel, even though some of my friends are totally disrespectful towards my enjoyment of it. Which really bugs me.
Okay, what now? I don’t have too much to talk about. But I’ve got a desire to talk. You know that feeling? Like I want to get into a deep conversation with someone, but I’ve got nothing to say. Funny. Perhaps I should end this entry before I go on a MegaTangent and babble on. Yeah, I think I’ll do that.
Publish post, publish post… ah! Here it is!
Optical Camouflage
Optical Camouflage See, I know this isn't a proper blog, but this is so cool. As reported in Time and on the Beeb - the invisibility cloak! Check out the bottom movie!
Saturday, June 12, 2004
Competition and Market Power
Must... not... mention exams. Okay, hi! Thought it was about time for an update, tho' there's not heaps to write about. First up, thanks to all for your concern/prayers regarding my back. It was really bad for the two days, but it's been pretty bearable since. No longer disabling, just annoying. It'll go away soon. I've also decided against applying for special consideration for my Labour Law exam, because it wasn't really affecting me too badly by then.
I didn't end up going to my Life Group this week, as Bec's aptly pointed out. In fact, I slept. I felt (feel?) a little bad about leaving my boys in the lurch (I *did* tell them, though), but they're big boys. I'd be tempted to do the same thing this week (LG on Wed, exams on Tues and Thurs!), but that wouldn't be cool. Might see if we could do it, say Thursday night. Or Tuesday.
Labour exam went well, well, not too badly. Three more to go. Study day today, Church + Oscar reshoots tomorrow. I wrote an extra sketch for the Oscar trailer that I think could be hilarious... here's a-hopin'! Had boys' prayer last night, ran out of time before we got to me, but that's okay, because there's not heaps to pray for.
Okay, that's not quite true. But I feel that that's between God and I, really. No, that's not true either. I'm talking about praying about next year. I'd almost apologise for going into this again and again, but it's a pretty darn key issue. Not just as a matter of life-decisions, but it's really trying and testing my faith in God. Which is good, but difficult. Had a chat with Abbey about it, which was comforting, if ultimately unrevealing. She's in a similar boat. I keep bringing it before God and then I'm not sure how to proceed. Frustration. Still, at least I'm learning patience.
On a lighter note, I'm in my Exam Clothes. Which is comfortable, but a little worrying. Worrying that someone will come and visit. And see me wearing a faded T-shirt, slippers, dressing-gown, horrible black cords, unshaven, hair untouched and recently shampooed. That... that, my friends, would be hell. Just kidding, I don't really care. In that past, I would have. Guess I'm getting older.
So it's weird studying for Competition Law (whoops, sorry!). I'm discovering that I understand it. I don't enjoy it, but it's not as bad as it sounds. I went into it (and came out of it) wondering why I'm doing it, but it'll be quite helpful in the Real World. Criminal Justice would be too, perhaps, but I'm taking less in than I should. I haven't really started studying it, I guess. There. That's the obligatory exam paragraph for this blog.
Listening to the musical (yay!) Metropolis at the moment. It's a classic that got canneds soon after opening. Bad timing. On a similar theme, the musical Assassins, which also flopped when starting, has had a roaring revival and just won 5 Tonys (Broadway's Academy Awards, if you will). So there's hope yet. Of course, one's about technophobia, one's about killing presidents, so it almost makes sense that one would flop and one wouldn't. Almost.
Jeremiah: "Shall we kill him?"
Freeman: "No, just a moment, Jeremiah, you're going too far, you're too fanatical. Warner is an old and trusted friend, he's full of humanity. I would like to be humane too. Er... put a bullet through his head."
Hehe. Humour. Brian Blessed, what a voice.
What am I gonna do for the week I'm in Wellington before Convergence? Hmmm... there are a few friends I'll catch up with, sure... holy moley, that's 11 days away. This year is going fast. And it's going... different. Like, last night, Brendan and Jess and Rachael and I did a random mission. We realised that this year has had a distinct lack of random missions. But what *has* it had? Last year was definately (for me) about relationships, friendships, having fun, building social and spiritual foundations. This year... what? I know I've asked that before, but it intrigues me. It's like a lot of that stuff has been tested. People have struggled, relationships have struggled. It's all turned out well so far. Next semester's a bit of a wildcard, which is good.
Considering taking Spanish 132 next semester, because it would be useful. That would mean 6 papers and 6 exams though, and I'm not sure I could handle that. Worse, it wouldn't count toward anything, because I wouldn't need more points. I need to work out whether I'm swapping Sentencing for Law and Psychiatry, too... I might as well. It won't be as fun, but it could be useful. For Bioethics, see. If.
Bleedin' 'if'!
Maybe this year's been about us facing hard stuff so that we can see the strength of our relationships... with each other, with God. Interesting. That could fit. Life's good like that, puzzley.
On another note, I snatched my old Red Dwarf novels from home, and I'm browsing through them at the moment. They bring back ooooollllddd memories. That's one thing I'd like to do in Wellington, get some of my old books out of the library. Some old sci-fi/fantasy stuff... Piers Anthony, Jack L. Chalker. Childhood memories. Probably not Dean Koontz or Stephen Laws, horror novels don't really appeal any more.
I should stop procrastinating. Back to Competition. Huh. It's funny the effect saying that has on my mood. It's like a giant THWUMP. Okay, that made more sense in my head, but I ain't explaining it. If you get it, yay for you. If not...
Friday, June 11, 2004
I've been wanting to post this one for ages...
But for some reason, it hasn't been coming up on the gdwm website. Now it is, here it is!
Evidence of God
There are many people today who remain just outside the gate of eternal life. They have heard the gospel message but are still not convinced of its absolute truth. They may concede that religion is a "good thing" but they need more proof before actually committing their life. Going to church on Sunday is one thing, but walking with Jesus every single day?
How many of us are like those standing outside the gate, refusing to commit? We tell ourselves that if God would give us signs like He gave Abraham and Moses, then all doubt would be removed and we would follow in true obedience. But there is no faith in that type of walk. Jesus said we must first follow before we will truly know; "If anyone chooses to do God's will, he will find out whether My teaching comes from God or whether I speak on My own" (John 7:17). We step out in faith and THEN God reveals Himself and gives confirmation of the step.
My life is my greatest "sign." I've never seen the Red Sea part nor audibly heard God's voice in a burning bush - I've never seen water changed to wine, a blind man made able to see or a lame man made able to walk - but when I look back at the "mud and mire" (Psalm 40:2) from which I've been saved, I see an absolutely clear miracle. And as I walk with Jesus day in and day out...I KNOW!
In addition, Paul reminds us that all the wonders of creation are a sign of God's Hand.
Romans 1:20
"For since the creation of the world God's invisible qualities - His eternal power and divine nature - have been clearly seen, being understood from what has been made, so that men are without excuse."
There are signs of God all around. Yet sadly, our senses are too often closed. We cry out for evidence, yet we see, hear, smell, touch, and taste evidence every day - He is here with us in infinite detail.
It's not surprising that the world fails to recognize the evidence; "the sinful mind is hostile to God" (Romans 8:7). The world lives in darkness and is blind to Heavenly wonders, but we no longer belong to the world; "He has rescued us from the dominion of darkness" (Colossians 1:13). We now must walk in the Light and "see" according to what the Light reveals.
God is calling us into a life of continual and passionate devotion. Let's begin to worship Him every moment of every day as we see His glory in the flowers, trees, and stars; as we hear His beauty in the songs of a bird and the cry of a baby. We're surrounded by an abundance of Spiritual signs - confirming signs that He is real! Let's step through the gate with full commitment and continue our walk in humble submission. Let's live to glorify His name and open our senses to the true evidence of God.
Have a Great Day!
Steve Troxel
God's Daily Word Ministries
Thursday, June 10, 2004
Quote from Philbaker.net
Quentin Tarantino *loved* the Passion. With a passion! Check out how he describes it!
Then again, he also loved The Dawn of the Dead... We'll see. :)
Wednesday, June 09, 2004
Okay, I know, I know...
What's this, like, 5 blogs in one day or something? I warned you! But I'm doing heaps of study, too. Just hope I'm not wrecking my back or anything. But I just realised something pretty cool that I'd like to mention. Okay, so, things have been going pretty fast lately. Crazy. Or maybe they haven't, but in my drugged up state, they feel like they have.
Anyways, I was thinking over the past two days that once again, there was a lack of love in my life. Okay, that sounds wrong, and it is. There's lots of God-love (two-way), and been a lot of family-love (two-way!). It's just that I haven't felt it socially. Haven't had boy's prayer in a week or so, a lot's happened since then... haven't hung out with many non-flatters at all. And I was starting to want to complain about it.
But then all of a sudden today was a great day (well, emotionally, anyway), and I felt a strange sense of love for my friends that I chatted to online. Specifically Ruth, Abbey and Jess. And I feel like God was saying, "Sam, love ain't a one-way street." Which, y'know, duhhr. "If you neeeeed love, take the time and beeee love...!" So that was cool. Because I've got a lot of love to give, so it's about time I started giving it regularly. And words are my main love language (touch was another, but I dunno where that's gone of late... strange).
So, feeling good. Woke up after about 30 minutes sleep at 7:30am, went to the After Hours medical centre. Came back, tried to sleep. Couldn't. Got two beautiful e-mails from Ruth. Studied for a bit. Had an awesome chat with Abbey. Studied a lot more. Got a lovely e-mail from Jess. Now I've got life-group right after dinner, which I ain't prepared for. Except that I am, because I've got God. It'll all work out. Yaysers.
Okay, another link and a discussion... this time, stolen from Mel's blog.
BBC NEWS | Technology | Teenagers reach out via weblogs
Very interesting...
"US researcher David Huffaker's study of 70 blogs (ed: that's not many!)... found the gender split in blog use was 50-50. But worryingly, teens tended to reveal more personal details on blogs than in chatrooms and forums.
Recent figures from one web survey company, Perseus Development Corporation, have suggested that 52% of all blogs are created and maintained by 13 to 19-year-olds.
On average, males used more emoticons, like smiley faces. Previous studies in computer communication, explained Mr Huffaker, have suggested that females are more likely to use them.
He also found that not only did teenage bloggers write a lot more than would be expected, they were also using the blogs as a form of "self-therapy".
Blogs are an area for self expression. It gives them a space to be candid or personal where they don't usually have.
"I thought at first it was about exhibitionism, but a less cynical view is that they are trying to meet a common human need of finding connection."
Most of the blog posts were about their everyday lives, and what was happening in their school. About 67% used the facility that allowed them to comment on blog entries.
About 40% talked about music and bands, but many were a lot more candid about themselves.
Two of the blogs he studied were by 15-year-old mothers whose posts described what they were going through.
Many of their posts were accompanied by messages of support from strangers.
"I am now looking at the way blogs can be used in the class, as an educational technology," Mr Huffaker said.
The average blog post is over 2,000 words (per page), which is really interesting when you are trying to get kids to write essays."
Blogs have exploded in popularity amongst young people and adults in the last 18 months. "
Jump on the bandwagon, guys, we all have! :-) Interesting to know that it's not just us who use it for theurapeutic purposes. I'd be very very interested in finding out correlations between blogging and, say, suicide rates or the like. Man, that's something I'd love to do. How could I make that a job? This and that priest-filmmaker from the last blog. Maybe I *should* consider a career in... dare I say it... psychology???
At the altar of the silver screen
At the altar of the silver screen - Film - www.smh.com.au
This article (he writes, with his back still causing him great agony and a sleepless night) got me thinking a little. My first impression was that the guy was stuck back in the 60s, thinking the movies were the kind of thing that could impact a generation and bring change. But on reflection, although it's very difficult to see, it seems that movies do influence people nowadays, just in a more subtle, different way. Instead of the 60s/70s counter-culture hippy type films which were such a blatant influence, it could perhaps be argued that films these days sow deeper, subtler, but so much stronger seeds. In that sense, what Phil Baker is doing (drawing his congregation's attention to the 'deeper meanings' of films) is both good and bad...
It just seems a little hard to control. Back in the old days, you could make a blatantly political propoganda film and people would run with it. I'm thinking something like Easy Rider (not that that was really propoganda, I'm just struggling for an example). Of course, nowadays we have Mike Moore, which messes that up. But nowadays it's more difficult to keep the bad stuff out and put the good stuff in. Troy, for example. Assume that that was created to inspire 'virtuous thinking' (let's not discuss the meaning of that). Just assume - it could have been, in a way. Thus the ideals of heroism and patriotism and integrity and loyalty are all promoted, and perhaps sown into the subconscious/spirit of the audience. But on the other hand, it also sows lust, violence, arrogance...
That's my point. If I ever make movies - which is looking less and less likely (? I can't believe I just wrote that!) - this'll be something to think about.
Coming Soon! - Latest News
Video Business reports that New Line Home Entertainment will release the extended edition DVD of The Lord of the Rings: The Return of the King in December.
Uh-oh... Abbey... what does this mean for our view-a-thon???
Tuesday, June 08, 2004
God has a sense of humour.
One of the books I'm reading at the moment is Phillip Yancey's "Where is God when it hurts?", which talks about the Problem of Pain, and how Christian's should deal with experiencing it. It contains the usual several heart-warming stories of people who have pulled through great suffering, the kind that is inspirational, but not often hugely relevant. Well... my splitting head-ache seems to have finally gone, after about 24 hours, but the agonising back-paing I awoke with this morning has only slightly diminished. Hah bleedin' hah. :-)
Nah, it could be so much worse. I just wonder how long it'll last... I probably couldn't walk to Uni like this, and I do have an exam on Thursday afternoon. I've always wondered what an aegrotat mark would be like. On the other hand, thinking about it, I like the feeling of accomplishment that comes from finishing an exam fair and square, so not being able to sit one would actually have its downsides. At the least I could try for compassionate consideration, and catch a cab. Hehe. I only wish it were next week, when the real scary exams are.
What else... still concentrating about the Big Two, the things in my life right now that I am really working on. 2005 being the first (as in, what am I going to do; or more to the point, when will I find out?); my relationship with God being the second (as in, how can I get closer to Him?). Oh, and the reason God's second is that He's actually not. Like, God's part of the first thing too. And one's more pressing than the other. I'm not making excuses, 'cos I don't really care, it's just so that if I ever read this again, I'll know what I'm going on about.
Oh, and interesting, about the 2005 thing - Abbey's recent blog discusses exactly the same feelings as I'm having. We oughta chat. I do believe we're both being taught patience, and the end result will blow us away. Separately. But parallel. You know.
I'd like to be rich when I'm older. A) So I can bless people with it, and B) so I can travel 'round the world and meet all my old friends. But on the other hand, I'm quite aware of the dangers of being rich:
Proverbs 30:7-9
"Two things I request of You
(Deprive me not before I die):
Remove falsehood and lies far from me;
Give me neither poverty nor riches -
Feed me with the food allotted to me;
Lest I be full and deny You,
And say, "Who is the Lord?"
Or lest I be poor and steal,
And profane the name of my God."
That was a side-note. Left-field. It's just that kind of day.
Something that's always interested me (this is turning into Bec's blog!) is the high suicide rate in New Zealand. A new report says that we have 2.5 times the age 15-19 suicide rate of Australia, and 7 times that of the UK. Which is bad. I've always wondered why, what's so different about us? Any thoughts? My first guess would be related to parenting, the laissez-faires attitude some parents have to their kids, the lack of authority. Which is related to the detoriation of the concept of family (which, as an aside, the Civil Unions Bill will further attack). Discuss.
Golly. I should be studying. Could I pull out the Community Chest "Get out of Study Free" card for my bad-back? No no, self-pity is a disease. I should stop that where it is right now. Stop!
One more thing before I go. I feel like talking about JC Superstar. Which I saw on Sunday, again. Big fan. Big musical fan. Which reminds, if anyone's interested, the Assassins revival got 5 Tony awards the other week. No-one? Oh. How about the MTV VMAs? They'll be here soon... anyway, JCS. Interesting take on it. I disagree with a lot of the theology, but on the other hand, it can be quite thought-provoking. It took me ages, once I was a Christian, to get over the Judas-sympathy I had from growing up with JCS. But I was wondering about Jesus and his 12, and why he chose them. And exactly what their relationship was. And it made me think about the real Jesus, and his personality. The show depicts Him as too flawed, which is not what the Gospels show. And entirely too human. And it ends with the crucifixion - I prefer the Passion of the Christ ending. And the Hero ending. Where am I going with this? I dunno. Maybe I'll blog more about this next time I see the show, in a few years. You can wait. Will you still be reading this?
Will I still be writing this?
I'd love to play Jesus in a musical/show/movie.
Monday, June 07, 2004
Volume I. Book First--A Just Man. Chapter XIV. What he thought
"That which enlightened (Monseigneur Welcome) was his heart. His wisdom was made of the light which comes from there.
No systems; many works. Abstruse speculations contain vertigo; no, there is nothing to indicate that he risked his mind in apocalypses. The apostle may be daring, but the bishop must be timid. He would probably have felt a scruple at sounding too far in advance certain problems which are, in a manner, reserved for terrible great minds. There is a sacred horror beneath the porches of the enigma; those gloomy openings stand yawning there, but something tells you, you, a passer-by in life, that you must not enter. Woe to him who penetrates thither!
Geniuses in the impenetrable depths of abstraction and pure speculation, situated, so to speak, above all dogmas, propose their ideas to God. Their prayer audaciously offers discussion. Their adoration interrogates. This is direct religion, which is full of anxiety and responsibility for him who attempts its steep cliffs.
Human meditation has no limits. At his own risk and peril, it analyzes and digs deep into its own bedazzlement. One might almost say, that by a sort of splendid reaction, it with it dazzles nature; the mysterious world which surrounds us renders back what it has received; it is probable that the contemplators are contemplated. However that may be, there are on earth men who - are they men? - perceive distinctly at the verge of the horizons of revery the heights of the absolute, and who have the terrible vision of the infinite mountain. Monseigneur Welcome was one of these men; Monseigneur Welcome was not a genius. He would have feared those sublimities whence some very great men even, like Swedenborg and Pascal, have slipped into insanity. Certainly, these powerful reveries have their moral utility, and by these arduous paths one approaches to ideal perfection. As for him, he took the path which shortens - the Gospel's.
He did not attempt to impart to his chasuble the folds of Elijah's mantle; he projected no ray of future upon the dark groundswell of events; he did not see to condense in flame the light of things; he had nothing of the prophet and nothing of the magician about him. This humble soul loved, and that was all.
That he carried prayer to the pitch of a superhuman aspiration is probable: but one can no more pray too much than one can love too much; and if it is a heresy to pray beyond the texts, Saint Theresa and Saint Jerome would be heretics.
He inclined towards all that groans and all that expiates. The universe appeared to him like an immense malady; everywhere he felt fever, everywhere he heard the sound of suffering, and, without seeking to solve the enigma, he strove to dress the wound. The terrible spectacle of created things developed tenderness in him; he was occupied only in finding for himself, and in inspiring others with the best way to compassionate and relieve. That which exists was for this good and rare priest a permanent subject of sadness which sought consolation.
There are men who toil at extracting gold; he toiled at the extraction of pity. Universal misery was his mine. The sadness which reigned everywhere was but an excuse for unfailing kindness. Love each other; he declared this to be complete, desired nothing further, and that was the whole of his doctrine.
...
Monseigneur Bienvenu was simply a man who took note of the exterior of mysterious questions without scrutinizing them, and without troubling his own mind with them, and who cherished in his own soul a grave respect for darkness."
Les Miserables. I get a lot of inspiration from this book. This section rings so true to me. I'm neither a genius nor an immense lover of mankind. But I can see - and have experienced! - the threat that scrutinising or defending moral truths and doctrine and dogma can present. I think a lot of my spritual anguish has arisen from diving into the fray with neither adequate experience at wielding the weapons and armour required, nor the humility to accept my inability to do so alone. It's an interesting point.
Exam time - when I'm not studying, I end up being creative; or thinking. Thinking a lot. I'm thinking of something right now, but it's only the seed of a niggling idea. It'll grow; then you'll hear about it. Don't fear. Smile.
Saturday, June 05, 2004
Okay, link-blog, but it's riotous.
Riotous, I tells ya. Oh yeah, I can now safely mention that I'm in Wellington for the weekend. I was surprising my Dad. Now I've just got to FORGET my exam on Thursday and I'll be sweet as piiiie... oh right, the link.
Riotous. Especially part 2. Check it out. Especially part 2. Maybe forget the others. Part 2's good.
Hehe. Pirates are funny.
Friday, June 04, 2004
Let's keep this one short. Like Joe Pesci. But less crude.
Because I've been considering next year. I know, I know, groan. But this wasn't a 'worrying', it was a 'considering what options there are, making sure I'm not ignoring any'. More precisely, I've been looking at Bioethics (and that Natural History Filmmaking course thing, which I don't think is for me - well, not the first two words, anyways), and how I feel about it. Once again, it's the first part I struggle with. Ethics I love and enjoy and am challanged by, but the Bio... humm.
I just don't know if it's me. But then, I don't know what is. It's perhaps only a little less me than film-making is, to be honest. Maybe I'll end up working for my sister on Pulp magazine. That'd be a laugh. How's about it, sick-sis?
So really, the problem all boils down to me not knowing what I enjoy doing. Simple as that. Which is fine, it means I'll just try things as they arise. In theory. In practice, it means I can worry about what I'm doing, and worse, people will ask me questions that I won't be able to answer. 'Course, that's more of an inconvenience than a problem.
At the moment, I'm considering options, and trusting in God. I'm not procrastinating, it just seems like that. Story of my life, really. But I sincerely believe that I'll come to a solution right when I need to, and not earlier. Which is cool, but... no. It's just cool. Only cool. Nothing else. Hehe.
That's short. Let's leave it as that. Ciao.
This is moving.
Friends are Friends Forever. A lot of you will know that song (click to hear it), but I thought I'd whip it out anyway.
Packing up the dreams God planted
In the fertile soil of you
I can't believe the hopes He's granted
Means a chapter in your life is through
But we'll keep you close as always
It won't even seem you've gone
'Cause our hearts in big and small ways
Will keep the love that keeps us strong
And friends are friends forever
If the Lord's the Lord of them
And a friend will not say never
'Cause the welcome will not end
Though it's hard to let you go
In the Father's hands we know
That a lifetime's not too long to live as friends
And with the faith and love God's given
Springing from the hope we know
We will pray the joy you live in
Is the strength that now you show
But we'll keep you close as always
It won't even seem you've gone
'Cause our hearts in big and small ways
Will keep the love that keeps us strong, yeah yeah
And friends are friends forever
If the Lord's the Lord of them
And a friend will not say never
'Cause the welcome will not end
Though it's hard to let you go
In the Father's hands we know
That a lifetime's not too long to live as friends
And friends are friends forever
If the Lord's the Lord of them
And a friend will not say never
'Cause the welcome will not end
Though it's hard to let you go
In the Father's hands we know
That a lifetime's not too long to live as friends
To live as friends
though it's hard to let you go
In the Father's hands we know
That a lifetime's not too long to live as friends
No, a lifetime's not too long to live as friends
Words and Music by M.W. Smith
That says more than I can. So I'll leave it at that.
Like the matrix? Like Ping Pong? I know you do!!!
Albino Blacksheep / Flash / Ping Pong (Matrix Ping Pong) (Japanese Ping Pong)
Thursday, June 03, 2004
I'm not swimming - although I may look like I am!
Not much to say, but I feel like a blog. I was gonna blog tomorrow – and maybe I still will, but I won’t be sleeping for a while. Sometimes you just know that. So there’s no point in beating around the bush and laying in bed for a few hours, best to get things done. Thankfully, I have absolutely nothing planned for tomorrow. Oh sure, I’d love to study, and go to 1PM prayer, and maybe another movie in the evening, and hang out with people, but nothing planned. Which I enjoy. Perhaps a little too much, but we’ll face that when we have to.
What’s with the Gollum-speak? Not sure.
Study, how’s that going? I’m glad you asked. Well, out of four exams, I reckon three will be challenging (I laugh in the face of Spanish… ha! Ha! See, that would be funnier if those upside-down exclamation marks translated from Word into Blogger. They might, actually, but I can’t be bothered trying. Ha. Ha.). One’s in a week, the other two are in the week after. Then Spanish a week after. This is going to be an interesting month. I’ll make it interesting. Oh, so, study? Yeah, I’m quietly confident. Although I’m not hugely knowledgeable, I reckon the exams will be pretty easy. Especially because none are completely closed-book. So yeah. That’s the dull paragraph out of the way. For my parents, see. Just kidding Ha! Ha! Hehe, that makes me smile.
Smile Time!
Groan.
So I saw Elephant tonight. Interesting, kinda discomforting movie. It opted for the arty ‘dramatic realism’ approach to a Columbine-style situation. It wasn’t hugely memorable, but it was good for what it was worth. It’s good to remind ourselves what we humans are capable of – what this world is. Because it is a mad world, and I’m not talking Tears for Fears. That was obscure, pardon.
You know, I guess you could say I’m a little down. Not because of anything other than that movie and two episodes of Angel – of which there are four left before the show finishes. And that’s fine, that’s cool. That’s interesting. The effect fiction has on people – no, on me – has always intrigued me. There’s something I’d love to study. I guess Psychology would be the only area I could do that in. Huh. Anyways, I knew I felt like this, but I thought I’d blog while I’m in this place (because I’m gonna snap out of it after this, easy) – because it’s what I’m feeling now. So that’s, er, different.
I almost have nothing to say. I keep writing things and then actually deleting them, which is crazy-weird. I wrote something about Angel – gone. I wrote something about next year – gone. I hardly ever do that. I just wrote about why I might be doing that – gone. Ironically. Speaking of ironically, my last lecture this semester was at 12 today – the same time as the Staff strike. My lecturer is a union member, but he’d got an exemption to finish the topic we were studying: industrial action. Man, that little ripper’s kept me going for the whole day. I could feed a family for a week with that one.
Speaking of (think my spirits are picking up – my typing pace certainly is!), I was walking to down with Dave P. today when I got my ankle caught in the gap between the kerb and the concrete driveway ramp thing on the road. I squealed (in a manly, not remotely pig-like fashion) and Dave saw it and said “gutted”. It took him a good 8 seconds to work out why I was cracking up despite the agony I was in.
Get it? “Guttered”? Ah, fuggedaboutit.
Haven’t said that in a while. Actually, in life group last night, Chris – who is probably the person I know least in the group – mentioned that my lingo, my slang, my vocab was incredibly contagious, and he found himself using it. Now that was a compliment. Felt pretty good, I did. Then again, it was an awesome life group full stop – bit of acoustic worship and BANG, hello, God’s in the hizzouse. True story, can’t tell a lie.
Okay, that’s a lie. I can. I’d just, y’know, rather not. Hey, I’m in a funky-funny mood now. Like I like to be in when I’m blogging. Like I… like to… aw, man, does that even make sense? I’m gonna rubber-stamp that ‘yes’ and move right along, I don’t really care. Now we’re coming up to that place where I’m about to get that inspiration to suddenly delete all the stuff I wrote when I was slightly down… There it is! The inspiration! Must resist… for the sake of… journalistic integrity… phew. Done and done.
See, when I’m talky but have nothing to say, I can totally fill in the gaps. But is it better than having something to say but not being talky? I don’t know. I don’t care. Why am I hyper all of a sudden? Blogging really gets to me. Ooooh natural high.
How long’s it been since we had a deep discussion on this blog? Man, I dunno. But I’m not going to force one. It’s just something I noticed. This is a very interesting entry, in terms of the fact that it’s absolutely pointless. Which you’ve gotta admire.
Bye!
P.S. - Reuben: "grammer"? Hope that was intentional!
Abs - me too.
Tuesday, June 01, 2004
Compleaños feliz!
As promised, a special birthday treat follows this short message. Something I’ve been thinking about since, well, my birthday, is me. Duh. More specifically, how dramatically my life has been changed. Like my party. Three years ago, that was the kind of loving friendship I could only dream about. Seriously. Literally. I didn’t use to be hugely social – oh, sure, I went to parties and went out a lot, but I never really connected with many people, just close friends. Even then, the relationship depth wasn’t like it is with many of my friends nowadays. So that is one of the ultimate blessings in my life. Let me rephrase that: you, reader, are one of the ultimate blessings in my life. And I don’t say that lightly – I value you more than you could ever know, whoever you are.
In fact, if you asked me a month ago what I was most thankful for, apart from salvation, I would have rattled off a list of friends. A long list of friends. Friendship money literally cannot buy. I could talk for hours… I could even try to make a list of people and how and why they are each like a precious gem to me, literally. But I won’t. I don’t know if I’d be able to, honestly.
One thing I need to mention – I said if you asked me a month ago. What’s changed? I guess I’m finally beginning to regularly connect with God one on one, as of the past few weeks. And that… that… man. That is the ultimate friendship. I can’t really express that either, but man… it’s exciting. Last year was all about the blessing and edification of friends, in fellowship. This year it’s probably more about a few intimate friends, a heap of not-so-intimate (but-could-be-given-a-little-effort) friends, but mainly God and I.
Wow. I woke up this morning in His presence, and that was the best birthday present I could get. Oh, and my parents called too, which was awesome (sorry that I was so sleepy and dazed!). By the way, I’m just listening to Vic Reeves singing a club-style version of the old Hymn “Abide with Me” – it’s both hilarious and great to listen to. It’s available at the link from my last-ish blog. And I spent lunch-time with Kirk Mckay from church, who had some very interesting things to say… about next year. He was my mentor in 2002, then he went overseas.
Anyways, just wanted to say a big thank you to everybody who is and has been friends with me. Even just internet friends (Ruth, Aunt Donnave, Gail…), or friends I don’t/hardly see any more (Guy, Celia, Wratti, Ros, Malcs, Kirsty, Sosij, Laurence, Jean…), or friends I’ve met this year (Mel, Jane…). Words can’t express how much I love you guys. They really can’t. But man, I do. And for all those who e-mailed/texted/rang/sent a card for my birthday – THANK YOU. Sorry that I didn’t respond individually – but after a $50+ phone bill last week, I’m trying hard to cut back on texting… and there were so many of you!!! That so deserved three exclamation marks, don’t tell me it didn’t!
All right, enough sentimentality. I’m getting a little overcome. Hehe. I will not be overcome! Hehe. So what’s the big surprise? 35 photographs that I have put online. Of my friends, and the things we did this year (literally… starting on New Year’s day). They’re up on the photo site, but I’ll also link to them individually here, with a small description. And there’s at least one that everybody needs to see… I’ll mark it. So here goes!
Ah. Gutted. After over 90 minutes, turns out I can't hotlink to them. But you can navigate straight there - click on the Sam's photos link on the right. Let me know your thoughts!
And that’s it! That’s that! I should mention that I had some awesome birthday times since I wrote this… Dan’s life group threw me a birthday party, Brendan bought a cake, Jeremy bought me red wine. Very cool day. Any other news? Um, family rang, which was cool… were a little concerned about my earlier blog saying I’d ‘made sacrifices’, wanted it known that they had made all the sacrifices so that I didn’t need to. Bless them. I wish I could have explained things better, but I still struggle with talking to them about God-stuff. Which is sad.
Anything else to say? This has taken ages to blog… mainly the file uploading and random html work. Probably about time I posted it. Once again, a big thank you to all my lovely, lovely, loving, beloved friends. You’ve made this an incredible day, and an awesome life. Mwah!
Dum dum dum dum dum...
Coming up later this afternoon... a special birthday treat for all my bloggy friends... dum dum dum dum dum...