Don't make me use my handbag!
Saturday, July 31, 2004
Guess what I was thinking about last night...
As moves my fragile boat across the storm-swept sea,
Great waves beat o'er her sides, as north wind blows;
Deep in the darkness hid lie threat'ning rocks and reefs;
But all of these, and more, my Pilot knows.
Sometimes when darkness falls, and every light's gone out,
I wonder to what port my frail ship goes;
Although the night be long, and restless all my hours,
My distant goal, I'm sure, my Pilot knows.
- Thomas Curtis Clark.
No, not sailing!
Friday, July 30, 2004
Prayer request Alert! Belongs in the Title! Won’t Fit!
But I’m struggling with my prayer times. It’s crazy, they were going so well last week, at the start, anyway. I thought I was onto a winner with my new prayer schedule, but it’s been so hard, and I’m back to feeling like my prayers are all rebounding. Which probably happens more often than not. That doesn’t seem normal, in all seriousness. I mean, I expect to have ‘off’ days, but how come I still find it so hard to have a good God time? Is it a problem from without or within? Is it something I need to overcome, or is it a season that will end naturally? I’d love to hear your thoughts, because I’m hungry to have some great prayer times.
Golly, what day is it? Friday. Friday. When did I blog last? Hmm… Tuesday night. Not bad. I’m worried this’ll be a long’n. Because, well, it will. But I’m worried because they’re harder to read – and let’s face it, that makes it less interesting. So maybe I’ll write it – offline, in Word – and then break it up and post it over several days. That actually… might be a smart idea. A very smart idea. That’s what you get for praying for wisdom.
“I watched ‘My Left Foot’ last night.”
“What, with Daniel Dallows?”
“No, just me and me wife.”
True story. Actually, that wouldn’t be funny if you didn’t know Daniel Dallows was in the TV show ‘My Left Foot’. Speaking of which…
“I got my very own personal trainer today!”
“Really?”
“Yeah! Have to share the other one with the rest of the family, though.”
I’m waiting for Thida, that’s why I’m not getting into a big discussion, or I’d lose my flow. So I’ll probably post this once she’s here, then post the rest… later. Mmm. We’re having a date. Well, we were, but I don’t feel like going out, so it’s just going to be hanging out. Which is good, although I just know I’m going to be socialed out by the end of the weekend. It’s hard being popular.
I didn’t hang out with the Duty Solicitor today. Gutting. There was a muck-up – not at my end, mind. I was looking forward to it; but at the same time, I guess I was glad to have today off. I feel a little lazy having nothing on Friday, but on the other hand, I don’t know how I’d do without it. Besides, I made up for it by doing stuff today, not just hanging about. Heck, I went to 1PM, which is an effort. Did cut short my own praying, though, hence the prayer request up top. Then, when I tried to continue later in the afternoon, I kept getting interrupted. I’m considering going elsewhere to pray, but it’s hard in winter. Although, maybe tonight… maybe I’ll go to my Prayer Swings across the road.
I’m going to miss this place if we move. God, I pray that we don’t! If we do… I’d want someone else – well, mainly Dave, actually - to have the biggest room, even though it’ll be really hard to be satisfied in something heaps smaller than this one… still, it’s only a room. There are better things in this world. Anyways… no point in contemplating that just yet, there’s still a chance we’ll stay.
Would I be able to give this room to Dave if we did stay? Yikes, there’s a thought. Then again, we have discussed this before. I’d like to.
Hmm, this is getting to be an awfully melancholic blog. Think I’ll post it now. :-) Nah, I’m feeling pretty good, it just don’t sound like it.
I want to get closer to God, though. Much closer. Please pray for that, I’d appreciate it. God bless, hopefully there’ll be a new blog soon!
Tuesday, July 27, 2004
The Best Blog in the World - A Tribute.
Actually, it's more of a filler. Between, um, now and the best late-TV night of the week: The Ripping Friends, The Sketch Show and The PJs. All the good programs are comedies starting with 'the'. Have you noticed that?
So, in order to make this a proper blog, I'm going to talk about today. And tomorrow. Okay, so, I slept in today - praise the Lord, I needed that! - until 9am. Got up, showered, prayed (oddly me-focused, like yesterday...) and called the Duty Solicitor (whom I'm spending Friday with, 'observing' - should be informative) who may actually not be the Duty Solicitor on Friday, he's getting back to me. Had a great worship time, a Pasta Snack, thenwent down to my first lecture of the day, at midday: International Human Rights Law. With the lecturer I like. I'm considering writing an assignment for it (it's either this or Sentencing), but it's 2,500 words on a topic that doesn't really interest me. I might talk to the lecturer about it - and other stuff. Maybe. I never talk to lecturers. In class, I talked with Belle, whom I've known since Carrington (she was an HT). She's just come back from an exchange in Canada, and she's doing an internship in Geneva next year. Wow. On the other hand, she was pretty stoked to hear about my Mission trip. Hehe.
1pm, had Social Psychology. I like this lecturer too, he's Irish and funny. 2 hour lecture which finished later than it should have, which was a bit argh. But I'm getting a little interested in Social Psychology (always have been, somewhat), so I might check that out a little... somehow. I should talk to Celia, my old Psyc friend. Then I had Spanish at 3, which was good too, fun class. It's harder to keep up with than last semester's Spanish, especially cos I want to do good.
Went home, chatted with J, did a few things in my room, then had Life Group (or, as I call it, Dan's Wife Group) until dinner time. Pastor Mike came to Life Group, which was pretty encouraging. Made some phone calls tonight (happy birthday to my sister Kate!), now it's almost TV time.
Tomorrow I've got a 9am (Evidence Law), a hang-out time with Abbey from 10-12 (which I'm really looking forward to), quiet time from 12-1, 1 o'clock prayer after that (probably... 2 prayer times in a row may be too much, but on the other hand, I can't go home), then Sentencing law from 2-4. Then home, a bit of free time, dinner, then my life group! Woo! Just an average day in my life this semester! And Friday - my day off - is probably going to be a 9 to 5 with the Duty Solicitor.
Still, I'm trying to keep a good attitude about the whole thing - I'm not busy, just got a lot to do (like Becs said in a comment a while back). I'll let you know later, now IT'S RIPPING TIME!
Saturday, July 24, 2004
So…so… sooo… Ole?
That’s “Ole!” as in the exclamation, not as in the, er, Ole King Cole poem. Howdy? Saturday night, eh? Eh? Phwoooar! That’s what I say, phwoooar!
Okay, let’s start again. Hi. Saturday night, and I’m blogging. I almost felt like hanging out with people, but this is cool too. I can get an early night and get up early for School of Leaders. I was tempted to see a movie at the festival tonight, but, er, didn’t. Didn’t want to go out, especially not to spend money. So I’m happily here.
And what’s new? Not much… compared to the week, this has been a remarkably easy (long) weekend, which is great. Busy as heck for half the week, crazy-calm for the rest. That’s cool, it’ll balance out. Dum-de-doo. Missions training this afternoon, that was good. Looking forward to hanging out with these guys more and more, because we’re getting into the team spirit. What did I do yesterday? Oh yeah, “I, Robot”. Quite fun, to be fair. Quite fun. Mmm.
Tomorrow, at church from 9 to… um… 12:30ish. Talking about missions, actually. I should prepare something to say. And we’ve got the Oscar movie in the evening (which looks great… I miss the cut scenes, though. About 1/3 of it is gone. Oh well, here’s hoping Abbey’ll have time to do an extended version for the actual night. And I’ll probably see the movie “Hero” tomorrow night.
How’s everything else… oh, had another “future” panic attack the other day, got over it soon enough. Well, about 16 hours later. Wasn’t easy, but I did. I was thinking, I want to influence a lot of people, encourage, inspire, challenge them. As a direct result of my job (i.e. not just through being a Christian who works, although that’s important). And the only careers that would fit that were in the entertainment industry (and I do love playing guitar… but I ain’t good yet. Or there’s film…) or politics (which, ick. Unless I can make it different). Dan reminded me – on Tuesday – of an old prophecy he got for me (last year, I think). Basically, that I wouldn’t have one set career, necessarily, but that I’d go to places and inspire and energize them and the people there. So, no security in that. Which isn’t too bad; that prophecy actually really encourages and inspires me. Unfortunately, it gives me no immediate direction. Sigh. Still trusting.
What else, what else… nothing. But, I think I might as well talk about the books I’m reading right now, because I’ve wanted to for a while. I’ll go get them. And think what they say about me, because I think they’re quite revealing. Especially the titles.
Okay, a run through. Firstly, the one’s I’ve read:
Power in Praise – I talked about this lot when I was reading it. “How the Spiritual Dynamic of Praise Revolutionizes Lives” is the subtitle, and that covers it pretty well. It’s full of (incredible) testimonies and exhortations to live a life of praise. A very influential and powerful book. Borrowed from Nicola, if you want to borrow it.
A Life God Rewards (Why Everything You Do Today Matters Forever) – says it all again, I guess. By Bruce Wilkinson, who wrote “The Prayer of Jabez”, and it’s in the same style. It basically covers the heavenly rewards the Bible discusses. Quite encouraging, especially to someone who at times feels… insignificant in the whole scheme of things, I guess. Also from Nicola.
The Pilgrim’s Progress – John Bunyan’s 17th Century classic, unedited. Pretty cool and encouraging, especially to see that the trials that plague my Christian walk are pretty much expected rather than abnormalities. Quite long and a little draggy at times, though, but that could be the Old English.
The Answers Book – Modern apologetics, basically poking holes in carbon dating, evolutionary theory, as well as explaining why the creation account is the most scientifically believable and accurate explanation for us. Good, a little dull in parts (duh), but it’s really important to have that basis or that understanding that hey, it’s not all like they teach you in school.
The Great Divorce – C.S. Lewis. Wasn’t that cool, really. Well, it was, but it wasn’t as Scriptural as you’d think. It’s basically an analogy for Heaven (and Hell) and the afterlife. Interesting, but possibly misleading (e.g. Second chance after death).
No Compromise – I’ve also mentioned this, the biography of Keith Green, a musician who died in his late twenties. Very convicting, very encouraging, very good.
The Red Dwarf Trilogy – based on the TV series. Actually four books, but a) I’m just starting the first, and b) it’s an alternative to the third book in the narrative flow, not an addition. As in, there’s Book 3 a and Book 3 b. In a way. Really funny, I’m surprised I haven’t read them in so long. Mine, if anyone’s keen. I’ve also got the first two seasons on DVD (haven’t got 3 and 4 yet, can’t afford ‘em at $60 a pop. Plus I still haven’t watched all of the second season). Sci-fi sitcom about the last human being alive, very influential in my adolescent years.
Now, what I’m reading right now…
Bac>wards – Right, book four in the Red Dwarf Trilogy. Involves a Backwards dimension and psychopathic, sadistic mechanoids. And some good jokes.
Crime and Punishment – Dostoyevsky’s great work, which I can’t recommend enough. So intricate and involving, I would dearly love to make a film of it. That, and Les Mis. See, I’ve mentioned this before, but I would want to make a completely faithful adaptation, word for word… not sure how popular that would be, but man, it’d be fun. Maybe I could make it in short film format… Hmm… how long would that take! Heh. So, I’m almost finished this book, and I’m still not understanding an eighth of the underlying themes. Looking forward to reading some studies of it, though. Very good book. Oh, what’s it about? A 19th Century Russian student commits a murder to test his theory of moral responsibility. The book basically follows the consequences of that murder.
One Hundred Years of Solitude – Gabriel Garcia Marquez’ classic novel about several generations in a family in the solitary town of Macondo, in South America somewhere. Much more interesting than it sounds, and not light reading. Funny in parts, mysterious in others.
The Heavenly Man – Biography of ‘Brother Yun’, a Chinese Christian who suffered many persecutions, but saw many great miracles. He went without food and water for 74 days – don’t think I’ll be trying that any time soon, was badly beaten and abused on many occasions… incredibly inspiring and quite convicting.
Where is God When It Hurts?; and Disappointment With God – Philip Yancey’s best-sellers. The first book was a pretty good investigation into the nature of pain and the needs of the suffering. No easy answers, but definitely helpful. The second book starts with a story about a guy who is very disappointed with God – and that’s what set me off on my last future-panic-attack: is God trustworthy? Why would He guide me? How do I know He’ll involve Himself that intimately? What if what happened to this dude happens to me? Has it already started happening to me? I stomped on those questions eventually, pulled out some pretty good bible verses for those. Still, it did get me worrying. I shouldn’t have stopped reading that book after the bad part, before I got to the good parts. Although I know it’s going to be relatively inconclusive and without an easy answer, like the first book. Still, I’m looking forward to reading it.
The Rough Guide to Chile – for obvious reasons. Basically a Lonely Planet style book.
Charles Spurgeon on Prayer and Spiritual Warfare – also self-explanatory. Hard to read – in fact, I’ve been reading it for almost a year, and I’m still only half-way through it. Pretty good read, though, just too full of information to read quickly. Looking forward to the spiritual warfare stuff, especially with Chile coming up.
Finally…
Breaking Intimidation – by John Bevere. I’ve already read this, but I knew I’d read it again, because I wasn’t ready for it. Yeah, I struggle with intimidation. I’m facing it. I need to, I need to be bolder. Fear of God, not fear of man. Something we all need, actually. Which reminds, I’m also listening to a tape Nicola gave me, Derek Prince’s “God’s Treasure: The Fear of the Lord”. Very, very good. The Fear of the Lord is one of the most important concepts to a modern-day Christian, and it’s not easy to grasp. Well, perhaps it is, but we don’t like grasping it.
So that’s all that! I’m done! I love reading, especially these books. I’ve got a good selection. And I’m thankful, because I devour books pretty quickly. Putting them into practice is another story, but I’m definitely growing through them. Perhaps I need to read some more lecture notes, too. Especially for law. It’s quite hard, though.
But yeah, check out the titles: Where is God When It Hurts? Disappointment With God. One Hundred Years of Solitude. Prayer and Spiritual Warfare. Breaking Intimidation. No Compromise. Crime and Punishment. The Pilgrim’s Progress. Power in Praise... quite heavy!
And to end this blog… which is 1,500 words (I found out I’ve almost blogged 150,000 words. so that’s only 1% of my total. That’s still a heap)… I’ll give a brief run-down of where I’m at. I’m excited about the future – this semester, the mission – even that I’m very vague about – this summer, next year. I’m still worrying at times about next year, naturally. And still thinking about it. I still have faith that it’s gonna rock big-time. I’ve been very disciplined in my quiet times this week, although they haven’t all been great (some have!). Life’s pretty good, I reckon.
So, see ya!
Thursday, July 22, 2004
Hey, next-day blog!
Don't tell me I'm into that again? Heh, no, not really. But I can't leave that last one hanging there by itself. Besides... I've finally got a stack of free time - most of tonight, tomorrow... the weekend! So I thought I'd blog again. Now you clap. Now.
Firstly (I just realised that I haven't said everything that's going on with me, like my super-new prayer routine!), I wanted to mention something that happened today. I got a burden to pray for a lecturer. It's funny, I wasn't sure what to do - as in, should I say something? This guy often talks about religion or stuff in a flippant sense, but today he went off on a complete tangent, telling us his philosophy of life. He said there were two paths, the "McDonalds" route (which he calls religion, because it's all 'how can We serve you?' apparently), and the "Life has no meaning" route, which he talked about... he admitted that it was an incredible depressing belief, and I just totally felt his need for God. It was really touching. Earlier this year (he was my lecturer in first semester) his mother died and he went to visit her, and ever since, I've... I dunno. I guess I've cared for him. I wanted to talk to him, but it seems so... wrong to do so.
Actually, he's not the only lecturer I've felt this way about, just the strongest, burdenwise. A lot of them seem really lonely and purposeless. And really quite insecure. I'm not quite sure what - if anything - I should do about it other than pray. I wrote an anonymous 'thank you' note to one last year. Tell you what, it certainly makes some lectures more interesting, when you're listening more to the lecturer than what he's saying. So why do I have a heart for hopeless, aging, lonely men (please don't take that down the wrong path)? Is it because that was where I was going, before I met God?
By the way, I should add that a lot of my elaboration is simply based on assumption and inference. I could be completely wrong. Or I could be more accurate than I think.
Anyway, so that's today. On to yesterday's blog (oooh, paradoxical-ish). A little emotional, in a way, but quite intriguing. Most of us probably go through a stage like that... it's kinda cool that I snap-shotted it.
Responses to the Comments...
Phyntosia - Why? Good question. In a way, I'm still pretty naive, spiritually. Perhaps overly optimistic (or is this just faith?). Doesn't really bother me. I guess we have a different view on God in our lives... I believe He's very much involved and in control. Obviously, there's our free-will, and I haven't got a stable view of that balance yet. Thing is, with the relationships thing, it does seem like part of God's plan, because it fits. I guess I was/am largely thinking about Abbey's friendships, how she's spending more time with her First Friends, as it were. Which makes sense, considering she doesn't have heaps of time left here (perhaps). That's what I meant. In other situations... well, I'd have to approach that on a case-by-case basis. Like the business thing... I don't think that's necessarily a God thing. I might have jumped the gun with that. On the other hand, it is a curious pattern or 'coincidence', so may be relevant. I know with me, this time of the year for the last five years was always really quiet. Still, I have confidence that God directs our decisions in some way, more than you think.
Aunt Donnave - Thanks for that. Very interesting way of looking at it.
Mel - hey, thanks too. :-) You're a cool chick.
Kristy - That's weird, I was thinking about you reading my blog just this morning, before you commented. Wondered if you still did (wondering who from the Flying Ribenas did, more specifically). Very glad you do! Good advice too, cheers. I will make dates for people, I will... I'm still getting my head around my schedule, but I'll get that hang of it. Actually, good point you make, "Love God, Love people" - that's so much harder when you're busy. But, darn it, I'm still gonna do it, better than ever before!
Becs - "Dop ow"? You mean... "do now"? :-) Yeah, I know what you mean, and I will. It was just an emotional post-midnight bubble I was in; I don't usually live in the past!
Eeeeeehhhhhhh... that feels better. I'm off to see Abbey shortly, after dinner. Not for long, though, but it's about bleeding time! Maybe boys' prayer later this evening... aaaahh. I'm a happy badger (not a sad panda). Now's a good time to catch up on some things (especially e-mails, I'm wickedly behind on e-mails. Wickedly! In a BAD way. BAAAAAD, as the sheep-judge said).
Me out.
I don't know what to say here. And yet, I've got this urge inside me, compelling me to blog. I can't describe it, but it's so weird. I've never felt like blogging like this before. I was reading Abbey's most recent blog, see, and for some reason, it really touched me. I guess I sensed something in it - perhaps something about Abbey, something I haven't seen in a while due to lack of in-depth conversations. And it saddened me a little, knowing that I've let that slip by.
It's strange how so many people are suddenly so busy. Some aren't, sure, but some are. Maybe it's just the first time I've noticed it. But y'know, I miss it. I miss the way things were. Last year, the year before. Not all of it, just... oh, ignore me, ignore this. Things seemed simpler then. People were different; often literally. We had other people. Not that I don't love the people close to me now, but you can't get sentimental about what you've got.
The Flying Ribenas. Those were the days. Before I had to worry about the future, before I had to worry about friends leaving, before I even had to worry about my own life group. No, wait. That's not right. Things weren't all peachy then. I had other problems; bad problems. Relationships were superficial. Worse, my relationship with God was very shallow indeed.
The loss of innocence; there's a phrase I haven't heard in a while. Perhaps that's it. Those times I used to go to the top floor of Unicol to hang with the girls... watch videos or DVDs... The first Cutting Edge 'Advances' to Palmerston. That'll never happen again. Single-sex lifegroups are great, but they do have their downsides.
It's not loneliness. It's not worry or stress. I don't want to say it's regret, because it's not. It doesn't have anything to do with next year - although that's going to be... well... hmm. It could be aging - or simply a regret at the passage of time. The pain of change.
Bah, that's enough blithering. That's about as melancholic/sad as I get. This seems like an unhelpful blog to write; and a misleading one, because this is definately nothing other than a short, hour-long phase I'm in at the moment. It won't be back. Still, there is some lasting truth to be found in it, perhaps. A warning. I think, in all honesty, part of me's crying out to rekindle the old relationships I've let shrink.
This is the blog of a man who loves not too little, but too much.
Tuesday, July 20, 2004
July 19… what, already?
It seems like ages since I properly blogged, but it’s only been a week. Which I suppose is a while for some of us. I relaxed tonight, that was… splendid. And now, at 11pm at night, I’ve decided to blog – until it’s done. Which I can, because my first lecture tomorrow is at midday. Mmmmmm. I wonder if I can slot some morning-guitar in there too, or if I’ll sleep until 10. We’ll see.
So what’ll this one be about? Funnily enough, I’m not sure. There’s surprisingly little on my mind; so perhaps there’ll be surprisingly little in my blog. See, I wanted to write about the books I am/have been reading recently, because I believe a person’s bookcase reveals a lot about them (you’ll see), but then… I haven’t had time to read recently, so any thoughts, any memories, would be just that. Stale. So that’s a no, at least for now. Which is a bit of a shame, because I’m looking forward to writing it. It will be revealing.
I don’t want to blog for the sake of blogging. And on the other hand, I don’t want this to be a non-blog. A conundrum. Perhaps the best option – and as for blogging, so for prayer, perhaps – is to start with a description of previous events, and then let it flow.
Okay. Well, the big news this week is that Ruth came to stay, which was actually incredibly fun and cool. It added to my business. Busy-ness, I mean. Busi-ness. Yup. But wow, she is a funky-cool chick if ever I saw one. Went to the Gore ball on Friday night, King Arthur on Thursday (meh… but still interesting)… all good.
Also, caught up with Lizzie Dunn on Friday. Wow… she is truly an incredible chick. She won’t be reading this, but man. I was really encouraged by her relationship with God, and her faith. And she had some great insights for me regarding the future – actually, quite similar to the quote that Abbey discusses in her July 19 blog. Funny…
I have paper piling up on my desk, which isn’t a bad thing in itself… I’m not looking forward. Full stop. I mean, I’m looking forward to the future, I’m just not looking too far forward – it looks less pretty than me at 7am. I’m actually going to apologize for this, I don’t want to whine about how busy I am, but I just want to point it out. Because – in all my insecure honesty – last semester I was not busy, and I felt incomplete. Now I’m over-busy, and I feel that makes me somehow worth more.
Ouch. When you put it that way… :-)
But that’s not just it, I suppose. I realize that this semester’s going to be hard on my social relationships, including blogging (weird way of looking at it, I suppose), so I’m asking for a little grace for that. I’m actually quite satisfied with being busy, because it keeps my mind off the future – not that I shouldn’t think about it, but I shouldn’t stress out about it. Could well be God’s way of saying that to me.
Film festival starts in a few days, that’s gonna be good. Need to plan that well.
Here’s something definitely worth mentioning – I’m focusing on prayer a lot at the moment. Not “Quiet Times” because that lets me off with reading the Bible more and praying less. But prayer. And I’ve found a method that’s working for me at the moment. Morning prayer hasn’t been working every day, because I’m always rushed and tired. So I’m choosing a one hour slot in my day – every day – for my quiet time. With a greater focus on prayer. I don’t need to spend that whole time, but this way I don’t rush it. So, prayer request – strength in that, please! :-)
How’s life group going? Well, as ever, loving it when I’m not in charge. Part of me dreads leading every week. I’m really not sure why, once again with the ‘insecurity’, I guess. I’ve got a pretty good idea for this week, so that’s good.
Two links:
New Zealand Media Prayer Day - August 8.
Vodafone’s “World of Difference”programme. I’d love to enter/do this (get supported while doing volunteer work for a year), I just don’t know what charity I’d want to work for. I’d love to work for the Bible Society, or similar, but I don’t think that’s quite what they’re looking for. Oh well, the brochure’s staying on my desk for a while yet.
I’ve had this blog open for an hour or so now, and I keep doing other things. Funny. Oh right, yeah, Steve. I e-mailed him about the film thing, what, five days ago. No response yet. I’d follow up on it, but I’m really not sure about it at the moment… do I have time to help him this semester? It’s funny, I’m getting more satisfaction from working this semester than I have previously. Which shows me that my job don’t have to be a big crazy cool one. And yet… although it’s not as big, there’s still a sense that I’m capable and hungry for a wider-reaching purpose.
I mean… do you know what I mean by that? I know my purpose as a person, and I love that, and that’s great. I just want to know my purpose as Sam, my career. Not the what, the how. Or, if not the how, the what next. Or, if not the what next, the what now.
Okay, that’s enough of that for now. Dave just gave me some chocolates, and I just had one. Should I have the other two? They’re just small… but it is after midnight… but they are Caramello. The swine! I’ll have one more.
Man, it’s good to not worry about getting up early. I get it now.
Well, I can’t just leave that last one lying there.
Can I?
Not bloody likely. Munch munch munch. Mmmm. I wonder if “munch” comes from the French “manger”, to eat. I’ll check. Hmmm… OXFORD thinks it’s onomatopoeic. Trust them. I think I’m right.
So, it’s Tuesday night, and you’re looking for something to do. I’ll tell you what to do… you count-down to the BEST TV SHOW ON TELEVISION (after 10 on a Tuesday night) – Ripping Friends! Watch it. 10pm, TV 4. You’ll laugh, you’ll cry. Then you’ll wonder why you’re crying during such a funny programme.
I feel like more chocolate. Grah.
Okay, I’m not going for a word-count record here, nor a beat-Mel-at-blogging-late-at-night thing… I just feel like there’s more to say. Maybe I should go and read.
After a long break… it’s surprising how being busy can affect your thinking and generally creativity. I blame that. Night! :-)
Saturday, July 17, 2004
Wowser, Blogger's changed again!
Anyways, just a brief link here: this might seem weird to some of you, but it's very close to the primo-ist idea J and I had a year or two ago - rotary cellphones. I wonder if anyone will ever pick up on that idea.
Also a note - Gore Ball was really fun, and I think I've almost caught up on sleep... maybe. Still got the School of Leaders assignment to do, not to mention cleaning, flat chores, Missions meeting today, Soup Sunday and church tomorrow... I dunno if I'll get to blog much any time soon. Also, yeah, it's exceptionally harder to find time for people, but I can envisage having to make time if this pace keeps up. Still, as of yet, I'm not in danger of losing anything vital to the whirlpool of time... although I am struggling with keeping regular, decent quiet times - prayer request there. I need to, though, so something will have to be postponed.
But hey, in other news, life's great, wouldn't miss it for the world, yeah I'm busy, but that's cool in a way. Making the most!
Thursday, July 15, 2004
o/~ I’m so BUSY my head is spinning… o/~
Like a whirlpool, it never ends.
And it’s you, girl, making it spin…
Anyways, that about sums up where I’m at right now. It’s amazing what one extra paper will do to you. Well, that and having a friend (Ruth) come down to stay. And having life groups and church activities and Cutting Edge things and weeeee… And most of all, attempting to maintain a disciplined yet growing spiritual life. So I’m busy. And I’ve been really trying to blog, especially these last two days, but I’ve always had something to do. Like the School of Leader’s Assignment, or 1PM or picking people up from the airport or the library… crazy times. Quite a contrast to my unusually lax previous semester – and I’m glad. I like busy times and quiet times (not the capital Q capital T ones), but too much of a good thing… you end up with a deep-fried-Mars-bar with too much cinnamon sugar. Which is quite literally too much of a good thing. No-one can dispute that.
Don’t you bleedin’ well dare.
So, to be fair, I’ve only got 15 hours of uni classes and tutes (and 8 of those are in scary 2-hour blocks), but for some reason, that’s keeping me busy. Because I guess that is busy, for me. Darn it, I keep writing ‘busty’. All this relationship talk. Sorry about that joke, but it’s kinda true. I’m happy, though. Having good times with God the past few days, although my schedule’s been leaving them rushed, so I’m trying to rethink that whole thing to make everything fit around it. Plus I’m not sleeping super at nights, which is hard when you’ve got 9am starts. The reason I’m not sleeping well is largely because I’m so busy and I’m thinking about things to do, but that won’t worry me for long.
And I’ve got a blog topic in my head I want to write about, and I’ve had things going on I need to talk about (crazy Mission financing testimonies, Ruth’s visit, new people, life group, Gore Ball [?] etc…) but not now. Now we’re off to see King Arthur (for which my expectations are not towering), so maybe tomorrow.
If I’m in Dunedin long enough.
Monday, July 12, 2004
Typing on the cursed computer again...
Bing's one. The one that deletes all his posts. Am I tempting fate by not writing this in Word? I dunno, I don't care much. I don't have heaps to say. Maybe I'll Select-all+Control-C every few lines, that'll be sweet. Sooooo... judging by the responses, y'all aren't overly interested in talking about God stuff right now, yeah? Part of me can't blame you, I'm a little sick of it myself. Talking about it, that is. Partly because I've lost track.
Arr, conferences, conferences, conferences. Blow you away, they can. Is it strange that I got more out of Get Smart than Convergence? No, I don't think so... I knew what I needed, and that was God's presence. Which was much stronger at GS. And He spoke to me, which was good. I can't for the life of me describe what's been going on... I haven't been doing the best, and yet, it's been good. And now, there's a whole lot of rubbish behind me now, and new things to work with. So, I can't describe it, and most of you won't wanna hear it. Compromise!
But there are some things I will talk about. Surprisingly, "the future" has been substantially superseded by other events - probably God's way of saying "STOP WORRYING ABOUT THAT!" And it worked. I only pray it will last longer this time! As for the job question, for this semester... well, it's kind of hard to say. It hasn't turned out quite like I expected (not that I had any great vision of it), but I'll keep you updated. This guy's really hard to talk to, he's a real... abstract thinker. And yet - well, yeah. And yet I thought I heard God telling me - very clearly - what to do about this situation, and it doesn't appear to be likely to be an option. Or not an 'acceptable' one. But I'm going to tell Steve what I thought I heard - and he was at Get Smart that night, too - and see what he says.
Sorry to be so vague, it's because I'm actually not sure what's going on.
Two things I identified today, which I'm going to bring up at boys prayer tonight (first one in... three weeks! Yikes!) The first was that I'm prone to intimidation. And I think that's a spiritual thing, personally. It's certainly stronger this semester than it has been for a couple of years. It's one of the reasons my life group hasn't been as awesome as I planned it, because I can be too intimidated to lead properly. And it's one of the reasons I don't step out in faith as often as I'd like, or as I should - not to mention why my faith has (in a way) sunk back from the supernatural to the plausible recently.
The other thing was something Dan spoke over me at Leader's prayer today, which basically focused on my need to "surrender". And when that happens (when, people), I will get access to an awesome annointing. It sounds a little plain when I write it like this, but it spoke to my spirit, and was both incredibly encouraging and quite challenging. And inspiring.
So, if you can't tell, I've had things flying all over the place inside me over the past few weeks, and it's been a struggle to sort it out. I suppose I'm being challenged quite a lot, by both sides, and it ain't easy. Still, I'm overcoming, so Praise the Lord!
Okay, more me-and-God stuff, sorry. It's just that all that's been on my mind a lot. And yeah, Gail, perhaps it shouldn't have been - not like that, anyway. Thanks. :-)
On to other things! Guess who's blogged for the first time in 3 MONTHS... MICHELLE! Whoop Glory indeed, ladies and gentlemen. Not only that, but it's a doozy of a post, and it even contains a poem! G'wan, Abbey-girl, say it... "po-em". Anyways, that excited me. Check it out.
Speaking of Abbey (rather than "to" her, although I'm sure that'll happen soon), she mentioned that a lot of people are/were sick recently. I guess I missed out on that (well, I mean, I was *injured*, but not *sick*), which is great. But it's true. And a few people were going through similar issues, too. Maybe what I said above will ring a bell with someone, who knows. Hope so.
Actually, I must be sick; I enjoyed both of my lectures today. Well, all three, actually, but that was because one was cancelled. Because my lecturer was sick. Hah!
Wait, that sounds like I was taunting the lecturer, David O'Hare. I wouldn't do that. I was laughing at sickness.
As Becs would say, "dig up, Sam."
Oh yeah, she had a great party on Sun., fun time. The girl deserves it. Wot a special lass. Thanks for the comment, too!
I don't have heaps more to say, really. This wasn't the most exciting blog, appy-polly-logies indeed. Needless - no, 'needles' sounds cooler - needles to say, I'm enjoying this semester so far, looking forward to it. It may be even more difficult (not just study-wise here!) than last, but once again, Bring It On! I'm looking forward - especially - to growing a whole lot more, and getting more into God.
So, er... what did I use to write about when I wasn't talking about God? :-)
Saturday, July 10, 2004
Okay, two links...
The first one really got me thinking, the second is the follow-up to an older link, this time it's ALIEN - in 30 seconds, with bunnies. Enjoy!
Friday, July 09, 2004
Okay, I WASN’T going to blog today…
Hehe, but we all know that “People make plans in heir hearts, But only the Lord can make those plans come true” – Proverbs 16:1. Plus, I was really encouraged by the comments people left. Little update on my life – I’ve just added Spanish 132 to this semester’s papers, making a total of six. Still, it’s my last semester, better make the most of it. In other news, my Mum’s worried about my lack of time and money, and I’m trying not to (worry about it).
Actually, side-note – had a horrible time trying to sleep last night. I think I’m in a bad place, in general. Like, borderline depressed, which is weird. Something to get prayer for. And I was thinking last night – man… this year’s been… bad. Which is something I’ve never thought before, and I don’t know if it’s true, but it’s sobering. This hasn’t been the best year – health problems, financial trouble, dead-boring classes, social struggles, spiritual struggles… and it’s hard to see it getting better. Especially at the end of the year – thinking naturally, that is. And that’s… that’s BLACK. That’s GLOOMY. And it’s strange, I’d never think stuff like that in general, so I mustn’t be in a good place.
I hate being like this. Worse, I hate admitting I’m like this. Worse, I had blogging from this place – not from any sense of pride, but from a hatred of burdening others, from a fear of negatively influencing people. And there are some words you just don’t want to record.
Anyways. I’ll get prayer for that in a moment, I think Dave’s come home now. Hehe. But what got me was a thought sparked by Mel’s comment, about it (um, finding and grasping my destiny) being a gradual process. It reminded me of something someone (Helen Gwyn?) said at my baptism. So I forked out my transcript and found it:
“The thing is, He’s gonna plant you as a small shoot, and it’s gonna take time for God to produce this in you, and allow that, allow that time. Because there’s something in you that’s just bursting to do it right now, you’re just like ‘God, release me!’ But you’ve got to let Him have time to get those roots deep or else you won’t go forward and stay strong. You need to have that time where God’s just doing a deep work in you, and that’s going to be a really important time. It might take a few years before God releases you fully, but allow that time, because if you’ve got your roots deep, then you’re gonna be a stronger tree, eh, and stand tall for a longer time.”
This was before she knew me (actually, she still doesn’t, but it’s amazing how accurate it is). And that was smack-bang in the middle of people describing God’s incredibly impacting purpose for my life, interestingly.
Crazy.
Thanks for all who are praying for me, as ever… I’m really incredibly grateful. Part of me says “I don’t deserve that!” but that’s grace, eh? Wow.
Donnave, thanks for that account… it took me a while, but I think I grasped what you’re saying. And thanks, it’s good, it’s real good. I’ll come back to it and read it some more times later.
Mel – you’re so sweet. Of course I’m not offended, and I’m not really that annoyed by the Rick Warren/purpose stuff, I think it’s pretty cool, actually. And I absolutely agree that I should take it day by day and be faithful with the small stuff. The problem is when I start worrying/doubting about the future… guess I need a bit of JC’s Secret Formula of Perfect Peace (Surpasses ALL Understanding!!!)(TM).
I should just mention, while I was writing the last paragraph, Dave busted in, so I got my prayer earlier than I expected – and now I feel GREAT! Whoop GLORY!!!~! I’ll be going to Get Smart tonight, Phil Pringle’s talking.
Note to self – don’t spend a week secluded in your flat without outside contact; it doesn’t end well. :-)
But seriously, I reckon God uses times like this (with me, and with others) to teach us/me how to overcome our emotions when we need to, or something like that. Ah, prayer, it's great. Night!
Thursday, July 08, 2004
Is there such a thing as a mini-revelation?
Many of you will know what a revelation is like, when you’ve been pondering over something (or not) and all of a sudden, the answer hits you out of nowhere, and you know that you didn’t invent it. Well, in bed last night – and I think, other times I’ve noted – I had something similar but without the last bit… almost like a “brainwave” or an “inspiration”. But it seemed too… intelligent for me to come up with, especially in that train of thought. Interesting.
Anyways, I should probably go into more details, or you’ll be scratching your heads forever. Which would probably break the skin and chip away at the skull, eventually. Sorry, that was sick. Dunno where that came from. Hehe. Anyways, last night at Get Smart, Don MacDonnell talked about… drum-roll… purpose. Bloody purpose. I tried to keep open to this message, though it felt like I’ve heard it so many times. I blame Rick Warren. It’s still a good message, anyway. So I didn’t really get much out of the message itself – except a peace about my situation. Again. I keep losing my peace, which isn’t a good thing. Gives the devil a foothold.
I got more out of the evening, but I’m still filtering through the messages from Convergence – is there ever a point when you can’t get taught something new? I realise that you can still learn something new, especially when you factor God into the equation, but do you get to a point when you’ve heard all the teachings before? No matter, just curious. I guess you’ll always learn something if you listen “with bowed ear”, which is what matters.
But regarding my main point, lying in bed I was thinking through my big Stress-Issue. I kind of realised that it went deeper than I thought. I’m not so much worried about what I do next year, or the year after… or even this semester. Because I suddenly thought (and this was the mini-revelation): hang on, Jesus was a carpenter for many years before His “real” ministry started. And all this stuff from Convergence, about being salt and light in the workplace – that got me inspired to work, just work. Any job. A “regular” job. A desk-job, or whatever. Even though it might kill me. Hehe.
So I thought, hang on, why does that not satisfy me? Why would I still be anxious if I did that for a season? It seems, in the end, that my fear is that I might miss my destiny. Which seems ridiculous, prima facie, but… no. I’ve had lots of people say – in prophecy – that I have a great calling, God has an incredible plan for my life… who hasn’t? But I really believed – believe – that. I don’t want to be ordinary, I want to make an impact. Like most guys. And this era of church seems to be all about hyping that – grasping your purpose, uncompromisingly, going the extra mile, and making an impact.
Which is all exciting, yeah? What could stand in the way of that? Me. Smelly ol’ me. I know what I’m like. I know my doubts and fears. And believe me, this blog only reveals the tip of that iceberg. Everyone always talks about how you can ‘lose your destiny’, and God will give it to someone else. And unless the work God does in me between now and then dramatically changes my heart, I think there’s a big chance of that happening.
Okay. I know that that’s my perspective. I take comfort in knowing that it’s not God’s. I know that God knows my weaknesses and is glorified through them. I know that God knows my heart and knows that I want to serve Him and grow His kingdom – which, if I seek it first and foremost, will lead to the desires of my heart being granted. I know that He won’t let me stand in the way of His plans unless I force it upon Him. And that the work He started in me will be led through to perfection. And I need to read these promises and grasp them.
See, I hadn’t thought this this far through in my head. I’m glad I blog, otherwise I wouldn’t have written that last sentence of that last paragraph. Still… I’m not completely comforted (not that I expect to be, these are simply my own thoughts, I need the Comforter) – because I’m disobedient and rebellious at the best of times. And I still – STILL – don’t want to change that. I want to want to change it, which might be enough.
So here’s what I need to do (earthly[?] wisdom alert). I need to know God’s voice more, and I need to obey it more. Then I need to trust in His word and His promises more. Then, and only then, after that complete overhaul of my heart, will I be ready to change the world. Wait… wait! That’s wrong thinking. That implies that I can’t be used until a certain time, which is false. I can be used now. Okay, I need to obey God more NOW.
Waaah!
Here’s the kicker – this is practically written on my wall. There’s a sheet of A4 on my wall which Dan gave his life group a few months back… I’ll transcribe it:
“The people that know their God shall be strong, and carry out great exploits” – Daniel 11:32.
“The missionary problem is a personal one. The lord Jesus Christ is the Author and Leader of Mission. Whoever stands with Him, and abides in Him, will be ready to know and do His will. It is simply a matter of being near enough to Him to hear his voice, and so devoted to Him and His love as to be ready to do all His will.” – Andrew Murray.
In a way, I’m back where I started. But in a way, I’m not. This fear of losing my destiny will – hopefully – motivate me to draw closer to God, and obey Him more now. In doing so, I’ll have more peace about the future, and I’ll be ready for my destiny when He opens that door.
And I need spiritual protection against doubts. Especially doubts like “come on, Sam, what could you do?” and “No, seriously, what?” and “You still haven’t answered my question…” and “do those shoes go with those pants?” Ignore that last one.
I certainly do.
Heh, sorry. No, seriously, my prayer request –
interesting aside, by the way, that deserves its own paragraph. To preserve flow. At Convergence, I felt like I should link blogging with prayer. So I’ll write specific prayer requests whenever I remember to. More importantly, I’m aiming to pray for every blogger when they post a new blog. Which might encourage you to blog more. :-) But seriously, I think this is important, and powerful. Plus it will help me to pray more. Heh, or read blogs less.
- Okay, so my prayer request –
That’s another point. Rumours are abounding of a new prayer circle in Dunedin, that Louise was looking at heading up (or maybe she was just talking about it). It’s for people with non-Christian families to pray for each others’ families. Very cool, I’m behind it 100%. I’ll talk to Lou at some stage, make sure it happens.
- Third time’s a charm. My prayer request is that I would be able to hold onto this peace, and to have the faith to place all my thoughts in submission to Christ Jesus, especially those regarding my future. Satan’s really using this against me – as well as a spirit of self-condemnation, regarding my apparent inaction in the present (leading to those fears of me disqualifying myself from my destiny). Make sense?
I feel stronger. That’s really good. So, my blog resolutions:
1. Don’t lose my peace
2. Fight self-condemnation and fears and doubts.
3. Seek God more!
4. Serve/obey more – the hard one.
Great, that’s me! Praise the Lord! Reckon I’ll be coming back to this post in the future…
Oh, it’s been ages since I responded to comments, and you’ve all been SO helpful:
Aunt Donnave – Hey, you mentioned “experiencing God says that we should look to see where He is working and join Him there”… I’m not quite sure I agree, I might be misunderstanding. I’d love an explanation! However, I very much agree with the “people wanting to do "great" things for God and then not doing a good job of whatever is in front of them” thing. Something we should all watch out for.
Gail – Great (very great!) to have you back, although I know you were still reading! Thanks for your encouragement too… I guess I do believe I’m doing some work for God and His kingdom, but I want to do more. Perhaps I’m underestimating the impact I’m having, but I think I’m capable of more. Not necessarily ‘glorious’ or ‘honourable’ work… just serving, loving. Being in holiday-mode doesn’t help either! Hehe.
And you others – Mel, Gus… Ruth… thanks!
And that… that should be that! You all rock!
Oh man... this is great!
Well worth seeing - but only if you've seens Spiderman 2. Or, er, the trailers (sadly).
In fact, although I did enjoy Sm2, this was almost better than the movie... SHOCK!
(love the elephant)
Wednesday, July 07, 2004
If I don’t do it now…
Hehe. Is that ever a good way to start a blog? I’ll let you know. But I thought I might as well run down the list of things I got from Convergence (in stream of consciousness, of course – not list form, heaven forbid!) for the less fortunate among us. Or for those who were sleeping.
The theme of this year’s Convergence was – What do you want? Actually, it was supposed to be. They told us it was. But I didn’t or couldn’t work out why. Funnily enough, it didn’t seem to have a theme – but that seemed to supplement, not detract from, the whole experience. It’s like, we were looking at a chunk of life from many different perspectives, and saying “grasping this will enhance your Christian walk”. Like… there were no sermons, not really. It’s hard to see, but it ended up making a tidy whole, even without the incredibly confusing game that got cut at the last minute.
So, Wednesday night started the show and ended the month. With an intro and some worship. After, we watched Chocolat, which we were meant to analyse for its leadership message. I’m not sure how successful this was, because Bing and I took Phyntosia/Ruth to Maccers. And came back half-way through. And found that I actually found that there was a lot of sorcery and stuff implied in that movie, which, hmm, not good. Anyways, Johnny Depp. I won’t say ‘yum’, but perhaps… ‘What a guy.’
Thursday morning had two informative and interesting sessions from “Wycliffe Bible Translators”. The first discussed having a healthy devotional life. It started with an interesting point: What’s your favourite verse/quote? That contains your spiritual destiny. Which is pretty good – me, for example, big fan of Proverbs 3:5,6 and Philippians 4:6-7. So my spiritual destiny basically melts down to trusting in God. Which isn’t too revelationary, but try it yourself.
The second session was about practically reading the Bible (and meditating on it). Good points for me included the value of reading a whole book at once (which I need to do more often) – ignoring the arbitrary chapter and verse divisions. Mentioned E-Sword, which I’m currently downloading. Also, talking about studying the Bible being us focusing on the Word, while meditating is the Word focusing on us. We discussed two methods – Imaginative (pretending you’re in the scene) and ‘Lectio Divina’ (Holy Reading) – which appeals to us word-fans. It’s basically reading a phrase out loud, slowly, several times, then stopping when you feel like it and praying about it. Praying about what it means, how it applies, and that I can apply it. So, I’m gonna do more of that, instead of plain reading.
Don Lake talked about Spiritual Gifts, which was encouraging but nothing I haven’t heard before, personally. His description of gift mixes and clusters leading to roles and ministries was pretty interesting, although it didn’t seem to apply to me too much right then. I think. He also prophesied over (almost) everyone for about an hour – but I was having a conversation, so not for me. No worries.
Martien Kelderman talked about being a Christian in the workplace, which was interesting. And semi-relevant. He kept on saying things like “Well, if you’re wondering which job God wants you to apply for in a given field, and you’ve prayed about it, chances are He’s not too fussed.” Which, yeah, true. But I wanted to ask how you could tell which field – but he’s not a career adviser. Heh. Still, I kinda reached the conclusion that all my available options – none of which were too appealing – were fields I could enjoy if I tried. And also that unless I hear otherwise, I’m gonna stay in Dunedin next year. Because that’s where I want to be. I think.
But we’re not going to think or talk about all that right now. It’s the elephant in the room (obscure phrase, look it up if you don’t know it), I know, but it’s not bothering anybody.
One of the best things Martien mentioned was the idea of Dualism being the predominant, and most dangerous worldview that people have these days. That is, the view that there are ‘clean’ and ‘unclean’ or ‘spiritual’ and ‘material’ realms that are separate. This was the view in the days of the New Testament (known to the Greeks/Gnostics as “spheres”), and leads to all sorts of problems. Martien firmly believes (and I do agree) that the workplace, even for the most menial work, can and should be an area of constant spiritual devotion. He also separated three calls/purpose we each have – Divine (foundational), Human (on top of that), and Personal (the top). Which is nothing new either, but well-put. I’m aware and passionate for the first two, it’s just the specific personal one I’m seeking – which makes sense, if I’m not ready for it.
As an aside, I got a real passion to have an immense impact on this world and this generation in a new way. Because I’d get deathly bored doing anything else. And maybe that last part is the problem – I’m looking for something that doesn’t fit in the regular categories. Which is great, but… petrifying. Like, before I was scared of my lack of direction and material ambition. And in a sense, I still am. But now I’m much more scared of my own material ambition. Because if I’m aiming for something big – and God knows what it is – then I can’t do it without Someone bigger. Faith. Faith for guidance and strength. I sound like an Old Testament King. There’s a prideful thought.
And yet… sigh. Okay, I know some/many of you guys think I’m not doing nothing, or I’m doing pretty well, but… I still feel like I should be working on something. Something material. A project. If I got this film job, to whatever extent, that would be perfect. Something I can work on, create… be proud of. But that’s not it, it’s not just me (sinfully) comparing myself to others. In a way, I’m almost bored. Maybe that’s why I’m not hugely excited about coming back next year to the same old. Although… how samey will it be? This semester should be different. How different? Not sure, we’ll see.
Okay, okay, I can hear my parents say ‘get a job’ or my lecturers saying ‘study more’. And yes, to some extent, that does and would help. But I know enough about me to know that simply keeping busy on something – something that doesn’t really matter – won’t satisfy. So, in a way, I’m putting all my eggs in one basket, and that basket is God. Which, in some respects is a very good thing. In a lot of respects. It’s not easy to keep my hand from steadying the Ark, though, especially as I’m still comparatively young, and weak, in my faith. Which is why it is so fortunate – blessed – that I’m surrounded by so many faithful people. And perhaps that’s a key reason I want to come back to this environment.
All this reasoning is well and good, but where does it get me practically? Perhaps I understand why I am where I am, but that doesn’t help me see how to proceed. I need security and decisiveness – I need faith. But I also need something more than distractions.
Maybe this is the post-Convergence slump. So much time spent on ourselves, building ourselves up, socializing amongst ourselves. Ministering to each other – which is good – but not making an impact in the world, which is lacking. And so now that I’ve overdosed on ministry for now, I’m looking for something else to do. Something that doesn’t involve people. Funny how I can both be a people person and not a people person.
It’s a phase, yes. It’ll probably last at least until I’m into next semester. Small Cutting Edge projects like the Oscars, or going to 1PM, or Comm-pact (none of which are small, but my influence, my impact through them is) will distract my attention, and that’s not a bad thing. But in the end, I’ll be looking for something bigger. This kind of feels like the forming of Vision. For what, I don’t know, but I’m getting passionate to impact the world. In a big way. For the better. For the Way.
Okay, click. Slap. Smash. Change of tack. Back to the Convergence talk. That was, er, something else. A free sample, if you will. Something that’s niggling. Passion, desire, ambition… in an otherwise slack, small person. Convergence. Um, um, um. Martien, he spoke twice. Oh yeah, a nice quote about the way some Christians mistreat the Church (by mistreating a church): “You don’t insult the bride in the presence of the bridegroom.” Good point. So often we (me too) say things about the Church, or those in the Church with the wrong spirit, thinking we’re being prophetic or rebuking. Careful, careful.
I also something here about… Man being made in God’s image. Oh yes, he showed a picture of Saddam here, on a Billboard. Apparently ‘image’ was used (and is used) to signify authority – so in making us in God’s image, God was identifying Man with being under his authority. Which got me thinking about the creation God put under our authority. Once we sinned, we stepped out of God’s authority, but kept the ostensible authority for creation. However, in sinning, we also stepped into the devil’s authority, thus loaning the authority for creation to the devil. And he poisoned it. However Jesus, a man, was sinless – and thus constantly under God’s authority – and kept the actual authority over creation when he died and was resurrected. So in order to redeem creation and ourselves, we need to step under God’s authority again – but we can only do that by stepping under Jesus’. Sorry, a lot of talk about authority, but it’s been a big revelation for me this year. Authority, in a very spiritual way. Faith is all about authority.
I also got to thinking about how we are ‘graven images’ – and how we are forbidden to make graven images (because that’s idolatry). Which made me wonder, is ‘cloning’ making a graven image? Could it be, at some point along the line? A bit of bioethics creeping in there. Oooh, ooh, who saw the 3D scans of 7-week-old fetus children in the news recently? That’s gotta be a blow to abortionists! Youch.
So that’s the main stuff I got from Convergence. There was more, but that was the main stuff. What did I take from it? Not quite sure. It was definitely worthwhile… but there’s only so much actual factual learning you can take it. But there was more than factual learning taking place. There was fellowship, and ministry, and worship, and more. And that’s not just my way of avoiding saying that I didn’t learn much from it – because that’s not true. I got a more full sense of the purpose of Christian living, I’m more committed to regular quiet/devotional/meditative/prayer times, etc. So, two thumbs up.
This was a little longer than expected. Glad I’m writing in Word, so I don’t suffer from the curse of WHHHOOOOPPPS-deleted! Heh. c.f. Bing’s blog. However I do seem to be suffering from an instrumental curse – everything’s breaking around me. And inside me. Printers, computers, remotes, my back, my toe, my head… everything! I’m taking it light-heartedly though, so, yeah.
Almost done – wow, 2,000 words. Completely unintentional. Guess I kinda had to vent on my future issues. My own fault for looking past the unknown of 2005 into the are-you-crazy,-this-is-like-the-vacuum-of-space! unknown of beyond. If there’s one thing I can take from that, it’s that I will not let the fear of the future cripple my present.
But then, if I’m not doing anything right now, isn’t that exactly what I’m doing? Argh! God! Little help?
Breeeeaaaattttthhhheeeee. So, thanks in advance for all your comments, and all your prayers. Don’t feel obliged to say anything, though, because it’s not like we haven’t discussed this before. And I know I need to trust in God as the main thing – it’s my spiritual destiny to do so, eh? Heh.
I just noticed a verse on my desk – mentioned by Aunt Donnave, I think. Or Gail (thanks for your via-Aunt-D. comment!)? Hmm. Galatians 5:6 – for in Christ Jesus neither circumcision nor uncircumcision avails anything, but faith working through love. That seems relevant, somehow. Maybe I should open a can of ‘Lectio Divina’ on that verse. Works (holy or not – avoiding dualism, of course) aren’t going to impact, just faith working through love…? So how can I love with faith? All I can think of… involves one on one conversations. Or service. Both of which I don’t feel like doing post-Convergence. Wait… faith working through love… working – that means an active effort. And it seems like the working is the focus, the verb, while the faith and the love are the… I dunno. They’re conditional, but not the verb. So I need to work, with faith, in love, in order to avail anything. God, reveal opportunities for me to do this, so that I can touch others and glorify Your name.
Does it come down to a struggle between comfort and sacrifice? Is that the key? I don’t sacrifice enough… it seems so long since I have. God, may I be willing to sacrifice in love.
Okay, angsty blog. That I’m stopping now. At 2,250 words, hehehe. Don’t worry about me, I’m okay. Like, I’m happy, I’m just a little flat. And struggling on the inside (but who isn’t). And totally aware that all this is just words, and they’re useless unless they translate into action. God willing, I’ll soon come up with a balance of small, small-impact works and a few larger works, but that may take a life-time. Just thought I’d share.
God bless, sleep well!
Monday, July 05, 2004
The Post-Convergence Blues...
I ain't got 'em! Ah! Tricked you! Hehehe, I'm a nasty tart. Howdy, how's tricks, yo? Man, did I have a good (well deserved!) sleep-in this morning. Mmmmm goood. And soon, I'm gonna have a good (well deserved!) jam on Jess' electric guitar. So yeah, anybody reading this on Royal Terrace, you would do well to flee. Aside from a flat-shop scheduled in the late afternoon, I reckon this will be a don't-leave-the-flat day. Oh, and Spiderman 2 tonight - meeting at Rialto at 8-ish (or 8-30 if you don't want to come to Countdown to get scrummies). I'll try to phone people about that.
Otherwise, not much more to say. Check everyone's blogs out, of course, once they catch up. I'm still intending to summarise the best bits of Convergence at some stage - hopefully - for the benefit of those who couldn't/didn't go. And man, you should have! Hehe.
Eek, I just remembered, what with the excitement of settling back in home, and sleeping in, and organising tonight... I haven't had my Quiet Time! Yeepers! And I've got e-mails to wriiiite... No! I'll do my QT first. And I won't rush it! And I'll enjoy it, whoop GLORY! :-)
Chao pescaos.
Saturday, July 03, 2004
Convergence is over!
Now, the tiredness. Mmm, looking forward to sleeeeeep. Right, hey! Short blog here, for my few readers, between the end of Convergence and my ferry ride to the South Island. And I still need to pack.
Updating from last time, after that last blog, I went and had a great session with God by myself, had a cry, came up feeling a whole lot better. Things have been really good since. Been having the awesomest time, really. Can't say I had any personal spiritual break-throughs or turning points, but to be fair, I'm still really building on the last one! And it was worth it, it was a great time. Encouraging.
Good to see Ruth there, had some good talks and stuff with her. I was a bit stressed about all that at first, but nah, it was okay. I was making a big worry-deal out of not so much. Kinda. As I do.
So this is a really empty blog, but that's all right. I'm feeling pretty drained myself, but content. Looking forward to getting back home. Dunedin. Looking forward to the electric guitar, strangely.
I might do a bit of a proper summary of what was talked about, what went on - *might* - but maybe later. Have a lovely day!
*EDIT* I forgot to mention: Rest In Peace, Marlon Brando, 1924-2004. I'll miss you.
Thursday, July 01, 2004
So... you thought I wouldn't blog during Convergence? Ha!
But then, it won't be too long. Besides, check out how much my readership has dropped since I've been there. Lost about 15-20 readers each day. 'Course, that could be because I haven't been blogging... heh. So this is for Abbey, and Jeremy, and Gus, and Reuben... and all those who I've missed. Aunt Donnave. Etc.
So we've had... um... 1/3 of Convergence. When did I last blog? Mmm, Sunday, ish. Since then... well, I've been really social. Basically every waking hour. Which has been great, but I'm getting really tired. And aching for some 'me' time. So I was quite grateful when I left early this afternoon. Of course, that was because I put my back out from lifting people in the air and had to come lie down and take some pills, but that's a technicality, right? Heh. Again with the sickness, it's almost funny. I don't really think there's a reason behind it - of course, I could be completely wrong. But there doesn't *have* to be, so unless I hear otherwise...
I'm not - actually - in the best state of mind, really. Because of the above reasons, pretty much. I'm still pretty down on myself, especially coming into Convergence. I'm trying not to be, but the whole self-criticism voice is making some darn good points. Like how my identity is so entrenched in my social life, as well as in who I am in Dunedin. Which is why I struggle so hard to maintain my faith in other settings. Which is... well, discouraging, to say the least. All the more so when I consider that whatever happens, all that I'm used to will be changed by the end of the year.
But I'm pretty sure that this is just a 'rocky patch'. And like a lot of things, you've gotta say - is *this* the correct 'outlook', or is my 'rose-glasses' outlook the correct one? And when I put it that way, it's reassuring that I can recognise that this is the result of troubling circumstances, and thus is the distorted reality. Which gives me hope, because I rely upon the promises in the Word and my general experience to know that I'll be back to normal in a jiffy.
Nonetheless, I always prefer to emerge from these times... not 'stronger... not 'transformed'... I guess, both informed and equipped to change what's 'wrong' with me or my life. And that's why I wonder if this might be a bit of a long down-time, what with all the stuff and the conviction that Convergence is/will/might bring. It's already lasted since Sunday - of course, I haven't had much time to think anything through since then, which doesn't help. Nor will I have any time until... um... Sunday! Ooh, a week, tough! No worries.
Come to me, all who are weary, and I will give you rest.
Learning some interesting things, though. Mainly about studying and meditating on the Bible. Which I need to do more efficiently, and more often. "I'd rather soak my soul in a few verses of the Word than rinse it in a couple of chapters," is a (extremely paraphrased) quote from Charles H. Spurgeon. Expecting some good talks about Spiritual Gifts after dinner, too.
Also, finding that I'm struggling to make some effort to interact with the non-Dunedin (which is pretty much only Hamilton) CE-ers. Maybe because I remember last Convergence, when all those friendships dissolved pretty quickly, maybe because I'm pretty socialed out. Not sure if I want to change this.
So. In conclusion. Um, yeah. Sore. :-). I'm struggling, but hopeful. To be honest, I've been struggling to be hopeful - what I've said here is the fruit of that. But I'm feeling better now. I'm not sure if - like Abbey suggested - my struggles are indicative of God about to do something Funky-Cool or not, but it doesn't really matter. I'm disposed to think not, but yeah. I'm trying to be as open as possible.
Also, it's hard to keep my mind off thinking about how Ruth's going. She might not be having the best time, but I'm having faith that God knows exactly what he's doing. I need to talk to her more, I keep getting interrupted. Which could well be part of God's plan, for which I'm grateful. When she reads this, it'll all be over, and I wonder how she'll feel. To be honest - and by that time, it won't matter - I think this has been more stressful than I credit it. Not that I'm helping, or anything, but it's hard to think about.
AR! No matter. It'll all work out in the end. Besides, Jesus wins, the Devil loses. What is there to be worried about?
That sounded like sarcasm. It wasn't. No sir.