Faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see.
That’s what some version of Hebrews 11:1 says. Perhaps, judging by that definition, I have a lot of faith. Or perhaps I have very little. How sure am I of what I hope for?
But let me backtrack. I just wrote a blog – offline, to ensure it didn’t get accidentally wiped – that got accidentally wiped by a power surge. This is me in ‘calm’ mode. I am very glad I “caught my breath”, as it were, before rewriting this entire thing, or else I wouldn’t be as… mellow as this. Heh. I discussed a few things (Chile team advance, mainly – it was great) before getting to the meat of the matter. Oh, and I diverged, briefly, to uncover what “to a t” meant – apparently the ‘t’ stands for “tittle”, of “jot and tittle” fame – the smallest letter/stroke of the Hebrew alphabet, Matthew 5:18.
The meat. I realised as I was writing – yeah, it was a revelation-as-I-blog type moment, which is one of the reasons I’m gutted I lost it – that I have very high expectations. Not for others, but for me and the things I do. And God. Although there’s often a glimpse of ‘being realistic’ in there too, making me wonder whether it’s faith or hope. Anyways, the important part was the realisation about my expectations. I never used to have high expectations, so it’s an incredible change (one of many) from the way I used to be. But it explains so much about me – my stress over next year, for example. I’m not content with the thought of a normal, achievable job, I want to do something BIG. And Chile – I’m hard-out preparing (mentally/spiritually) and hoping to make a big splash there, but with the ever-present fear that I won’t. At our retreat/advance I preached on zeal; that’s why.
It also explains why I often get down after doing something big – be it dramatic, e.g. a play, MCing at Oxygen; or after life groups, or preaching – because it’s so hard to measure up to my expectations. It’s why my self-esteem and my mood often swings. I could try and work out why I suddenly have these high expectations – whether it’s faith, or family, or self-confidence, or what – but that’s not really important.
But – and this is where I really need input from you, for the sake of my sanity – I need to know whether it’s something I need to change/refine or just learn to deal with… and how to cope when things don’t work like I hope. I’d have thought that with God, as I know Him, it wouldn’t be a problem, but it has been. When this last summer didn’t work out great, when God-things don’t go as good as I hoped, this leads me to being disappointed with God. I can explain these away – often in a very satisfactory way – but the fact remains that my expectations weren’t fulfilled. I believe – I have to – that there’s a definite, incredible reason that my various expectations weren’t met, but… but there’s always a but.
I suppose my issue isn’t with me and God at all – I can work with that. But what about me? Should I believe in myself as much as I do, and go through the stress that that entails? Should I believe that I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me? I’m just coming to grips with this high-expectations thing, so I’m probably asking the wrong questions. Should I believe that I can do better than being a lawyer, and if so, should I believe that I’m going to find out what that thing is? Should I believe that Chile’s going to be left better off than if 6 people had come without God and His Spirit?
You know what part of the problem is? I seem to take inspiration and encouragement too seriously. When I read biographies, they inspire me, and I think “why can’t I?” And yeah, that’s a good attitude, and I like it, but it’s really tough to deal with. And when I think, as I’ve read about many, many times, about looking back on my life from my old age… that makes me want to do as much as I can. Which is good. But. Am I taking it too far?
Okay, quick reality check. There’s nothing really incredible that I’m doing right now, or even that I’m planning on doing, this is all talk. But I know that if I put my mind to something, I could do it, and do it well. Which I never used to know. But where does God fit in? Obviously, I don’t want to do anything without His direction… but I’ve heard people say that if you can do something without God’s help, then it’s not worth doing. I guess that’s the way I see things too, and perhaps why I don’t do heaps of things.
Dude, okay. Wow. Just what I needed, something else to think about right now. Great. I’m a little busy/stressed right now. I reckon… I reckon this needs to bring me to my knees before God, so that’s what I’ll do. I don’t want to go this alone. You’ll have to excuse me. I should mention that I’m really happy and excited and yadda yadda… really busy, and admittedly stressed, but life is good, I think. But this is a whole new kettle of fish, and changes a lot. Or does it?
P.S. Welcome back to the blogging fold, Ruth! Becs has stopped blogging, I’m afraid. Thanks heaps for all the comments on my last blog, everyone, very encouraging and very special.
What’s with this daily-post habit thing I’m getting into?
In all honesty, it could in part be an effort to increase my readership. But just as importantly, I think I’m remembering how good it is for me to post on this thing, good for me.
Today was an excellent day. Really was. Best day this week, I think. I’m not sure why, maybe because it (technically) started with a continuing-through-to-past-midnight-so-technically-today late chat/hang with Mel, which was cool, and a 12:30am prayer time in the park. Which didn’t have much of a direction other than praying for the sake of wanting to get closer to God.
I slept in, until, like… 10, 10:30? I dunno. By the time I’d done my morning wake-up routine (check blogs with coffee, shower, get half-dressed) it was about 11:30, or something. I launched straight into my quiet time, which started slowly but just kept going for over an hour. Man! I mean, it was quiet rambly at times, but it got good. And then, when I was all prayed out, I pressed in and prayed some more. Which was surprisingly hard, but even more surprisingly rewarding.
Then I got to work on the message I’m preaching (I’ve never, ever, EEEEEVEEER said those ten words in that sequence before) on Monday, which was cool. I’ll say what I’m talking about after I’ve done it. Seeing as I’ve never done this, I’m not sure how to approach it, but I feel like I’ve got a good message to give (which was another 1:30am revelations that are incredibly hard to get to sleep after!), now I’m fleshing it out. It’s quite a learning process, and it’s incredibly surprising at how much I’m happily stretching myself and my self-confidence this semester. Seriously. Like, that’s one of the most surprising personal-developy things I can think of.
Then I had a jam session on my electric guitar (Jess’ electric, whoops), which turned out to be a Praise/Worship session. Which I don’t often do willingly, not for… well, it must have been over an hour. And I loved. It’s hard though, because those songs aren’t as technically challenging to play. Luckily there were so many of them, so I just skipped through them once I got bored with one. Good times indeed.
And THEN (this sounds like a school story… can’t I think of any other conjunctions?) we had leaders’ prayer at church (moved from Monday afternoons at Uni), which was really good – especially when I got to pray for (surprise surprise) Dave. I’m not usually enthusiastic about praying for someone, no matter how well I know them. This time was no exception, but I felt like I should pray for him first (which I normally don’t), and when I got into it… well, Dave said it was really powerful, so that’ll do for an explanation. But man, I felt like I was a pray-er, born and bred.
Came home for tea and a bit of mucking around, spent the evening playing Risk with the boys (minus Jeremy, plus Reuben Page, Phil Leleu and Mister Scott Cappie) and just hanging out, which was great.
So I must say, this has been one of the best days in recent memory, it’s just been a string of goodness. And although a lot of it was just that good things happened to follow good things, I seriously think God had a lot to do with it. And it was a very God-focused day, actually – prayer, worship, Bible-study, more prayer… much more than usual. And I enjoyed it… it was begrudgingly or habitually God-focused, as some-things can get (I admit), but I sought God for His sake. Made a big difference.
I’m encouraged. Today I was strong in God; today seeking Him was a pleasure. I want more, and I know that – eventually – it will come. I guess a summary of today would be the verse – which just came to my head – “The joy of the Lord is your strength”, which never made sense to me. But in it was peace, in it was happiness, in it was victory, in it was the courage, boldness and strength to be who I need to be. In it was understanding of who I am.
On that note… and I don’t want to end on a downer after such a blessed day, but I’ll be honest and give an Ob(ligatory)2005 reference… I have thought a bit about the next-year thing. And strangely (?), today I was at peace with my not knowing. I didn’t have absolute confidence that it would work out perfectly, because I didn’t really care. It wasn’t – isn’t – the biggest deal. Which makes me ask, is that how I should be about it when I’m not having a day like today? Last night, in the park, I was like, “Yeah, my worries about this are a lack of faith. A lack of trust.” And that’s true. And I ask myself, where do I draw the line between trust and foolishness?
In a way, my wisdom isn’t enough to second-guess God. Well, in many/all ways, obviously. But I mean, I say to myself, “If I get this kind of job or if I study this kind of thing next year, then…” or “If I don’t enrol for this now, or if I sign this lease now, then…”. But perhaps those if…then rules don’t apply like we think. It’s hard to explain, but as a thinker and as a planner, I like to expect that I can predict consequences well and in-depth, and decide on that. The thought that my internal logic isn’t as good as I believe, and that that’s the reason I should trust in God, that’s quite a turn-around.
Oh Lord.
Oh man.
This is all summed up in Proverbs 3:5, isn’t it? “Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and lean not on your own understanding.” That verse. That verse that’s been prophesied over me many times, that verse that was spoken over me at my baptism, that verse I’ve discussed on this blog many times before… oh man. That’s deep.
So that’s a cool revelation. But how do I apply that? Does that make a difference? I really hope so. I really hope that I can use that. Because I usually try to do the first (trust in the Lord) and presume the second will follow (lean not…), but it doesn’t work like that, I suppose. I mean, I can’t (shouldn't) ignore my understanding, but I shouldn’t… well, I guess I shouldn’t lean on it. Oh Lord. God, I acknowledge you in all my ways. Your wisdom is so much higher than mine. Thank you for humbling me in this.
Okay, so, that was unexpected. You guys should feel fortunate to witness a revelation as it happens. Hehe. Now I pray I put it into practice and trust more – which doesn’t mean stop searching, I guess, but it does mean stop freaking out about it. I think, in all actuality, I should stop writing and pray about this a little more. Just to drill it in. And Praise God. So I’ll cut this short (although, did I really have anything more to say? Who knows.), and sign-off.
Chao, pescaos.
I felt like I should post this – From Streams in the Desert
It is not in me. (Job 28:14)
I remember saying one summer, “What I really need is a trip to the ocean.” So I went to the beach, but the ocean seemed to say, “It is not in me!” The ocean did not do for me what I thought it would. Then I said, “Perhaps the mountains will provide the rest I need.” I went to the mountains, and when I awoke the first morning, I gazed at the magnificent mountain I had so longed to see. But the sight did not satisfy, and the mountain said, “It is not in me!”
What I really needed was the deep ocean of God’s love, and the high mountains of His truth within me. His wisdom had depths and heights that neither the ocean nor the mountains could contain and that could not be compared with jewels, gold, of precious stones. Christ is wisdom and He is our deepest need. Our inner restlessness can only be pacified by the revelation of His eternal friendship and love for us.
Margaret Bottome
My heart is there!
Where, on eternal hills, my loved one dwells
Among the lilies and asphodels;
Clad in the brightness of the Great White Throne,
Clad in the smile of Him who sits thereon,
The glory gilding all His wealth of hair
And making His immortal face more fair—
THERE IS MY TREASURE and my heart is there.
My heart is there!
With Him who made all earthly life so grand,
So fit to live, and yet to die His plan;
So mild, so great, so gentle and so brave,
So ready to forgive, so strong to save.
His fair, pure Spirit makes the Heavens more fait,
And that is where rises my longing prayer—
THERE IS MY TREASURE and my heart is there.
Favourite poem of the late Charles E. Cowman
G'wan, who *really* expected me to post the day after my last post? Hmm?
Okay, a bit of a mini-update here. First up, I’ve been having a great prayer time and thinking more about – you guessed it – next year. I’m considering (and going to try to talk to someone about) and LLM – masters in law. Because I feel like studying for one more year. My first reaction is that I’m not sure if I’m up to it – doing a thesis sounds… I dunno. Like a lot of work that I have to discipline myself to do every day, rather than just going to lectures at certain times. But that kicks me into ‘challenge’ mode, the whole “I can do all things (through Christ who strengthens me)” thing. Of course, the stuff in the brackets of that quote is the MAIN point of that verse, which is funny. Sorry, rambling. Also, today’s quote of the day, from my blog: “You must do the things you think you cannot do” by Eleanor Roosevelt. Which I agree with (not in all things though, obviously!)
So, we’ll see. I’ll talk to Paul Roth. I’m not hugely confident about being able to come up with a good topic, commit to researching it for a year (how much research can you do???) and whatever. Maybe I could do profs at the same time, there’s a thought. I’ll see how much work Paul thinks will be involved. I guess I just don’t know anything about doing a Masters, so my thoughts are wonky.
The other thing I wanted to post was a link I found on Phil Baker’s blog. It’s long, so I’ll save you the hassle and just draw out some things that interested me. It’s about Tony Campolo who I heard at Parachute ’03 – he’s quite a controversial evangelical. He was a key ‘spiritual advisor’ to Bill Clinton when he was in office, so he’s very prominent. I may not agree with everything he says, but he’s one of those guys you either hate or like. So was Jesus – not drawing any comparisons. And I don’t hate Tony.
One of his quotes – which I hesitate to use here – goes something like this (quoted from another page): “Author Tony Campolo, who makes a regular circuit as a chapel speaker on Christian college campuses, for a time used this provocation to make a point. “The United Nations reports that over ten thousand people starve to death each day, and most of you don’t give a sh--. However, what is even more tragic is that most of you are more concerned about the fact that I just said a bad word than you are about the fact that ten thousand people are going to die today.” The responses proved his point; in nearly every case Tony got a letter from the chaplain president of the college protesting his foul language. The letters never mentioned the word hunger.”
I also recognise the intense irony inherent in censoring the relevant word. And he stopped using that quote after too many complaints (and that’s probably fair enough). But the point stands, and it’s precisely what I said in my last blog (which was yesterday! Wow!) – the more salient an offence is, the harsher it is treated; but that shouldn’t be the case. Same with homosexuality. Because it’s so obvious (well, sorta) and because it’s being legislated, it’s seen by some – Christians and non-Christians alike – to be the big Christian issue. In a similar way, I question the approach of the Christian Revival dudes who evangelise in Dunedin’s Octagon – the way they question Christians’ salvation. And their website also carries the emphasis of the baptism in the Holy Spirit being incredibly central. A Christian church should revolve around Christ. That’s it.
On the other hand (hands up who saw this coming?), doctrinal error/”heresy” is to be avoided, and the line is unclear when considering ecumenism. God’s will is for unity. And yet God is truth. So, in the interests of unity, do we need to focus much less on the peripheral issues (what jurisprudential scholars would call “the penumbra of doubt”) and more on Christ? I say yes, although it’s easier said than done.
Anyway, back to the article… some quotes.
“Evangelical Christianity (has) been hijacked…. When did evangelical Christianity become anti-gay? … When did it become so negative towards other religious groups?… We’re evangelicals but we want to respect Islam. We don’t want to call its prophet evil. We don’t want to call the religion evil… We also raise some very serious questions about the support of policies that have been detrimental to the poor.
The latest statistics that I have seen on evangelicals indicate that something like 83 percent of them are going to vote for George Bush and are Republicans. And there’s nothing wrong with that. It’s just that Christians need to be considering other issues beside abortion and homosexuality. These are important issues, but isn’t poverty an issue?
… the evangelical community has become so pro-Israel that it is forgotten that God loves Palestinians every bit as much… most Jewish people really support a two-state solution to the Palestinian crisis. Interestingly enough, George Bush supports a two-state solution… However, he’s received tremendous opposition from evangelicals on that very point.
These young (gay) people cannot change. What they are begging for, and what we as Church people have a responsibility to give them, is loving affirmation as they are. That does not mean that we support same-gender eroticism.
if you were going to ask me, "Are only Christians going to get to heaven?" I can’t answer that question… what about the many, many children every year who die in infancy or the many children who die almost in childbirth and what about people who are suffering from intellectual disabilities? Is there not some grace from God towards such people?… I’m sure that what the 25th chapter of Matthew says is correct--that there will be a lot of surprises on Judgment Day as to who receives eternal life and who doesn’t.”
Me again. That last one’s pretty prickly, but on the other hand, it’s something I’ve thought about myself. It would seem to be inhuman not to.
Anyway, that’s my update (not-so-mini, unsurprisingly). Hope that sates a bit more hunger, it was good to do for me! Enjoy the snow before it all melts away!
How long... to sing this song?
How long indeed... about 6 days, by the looks of things. So what's up with this weather, hmm? What's up with, like, everything? Man, I used to think I could write quite well, but I'm still quite flabbergasted to describe what's going on this semester. In a good way, in a... I suppose an awesome way.
First stop, yesterday. Yesterday was my bloggiversary. One whole year - and man, did we celebrate in style. Thanks HEAPS to all of you who sent cards, or texts or whatever. Oh wait... no-one did. But that's cool, not even I remembered, even though it was written on my calendar. Thing is, no-one's blogging heaps lately, or worse, people may be writing, but they're not reading. Or commenting. I can't complain, because it means people don't mind that I'm not updating more often. It's a bit of a vicious cycle, though. And it makes me question the utility (belt) of continuing blogging. On the other hand, when I read my first post again...
"Here we go, then. And I reckon I'll start on a low note, because I am not entirely sure why I'm starting a blog. Is it because of Abbey's? Partly. I was always (well, since Abbey suggested it mid-year this year - '03) been planning to have a Summer blog, to keep everyone up to date... most of my friends remember the monster mass-emails I unleashed last Summer. Guess I just love having friends. But why now? Why now, especially when I consider them so... pretentious? I'm not sure. On an actually unrelated note, Katie launched her own blog today.
I guess I'm a little worried that this will be like the cell-phone thing (which many people remember from last summer too) - not wanting to join the fad until absolutely necessary. Which it almost is. Still, on the plus side (he quickly concludes, rushing out the door to see a movie...), I won't be telling anyone about this blog for a while... Hehe. "
... when I read it again, I realise that the reason I started blogging wasn't for the audience. In a way, that's changed. This blog's changed. *I've* changed, thank God.
Actually, that deserves a new paragraph. Because it's true, God has changed me a stack, even over the past year. Sure, I'm still worried about the future, and still have my struggles, but I'm generally a whole lot more spiritually (and emotionally) stable. So, huzzah. Praise the Lord! In fact, this morning, when I was thinking about blogging, I had an urge to write a blog of praise, a "Bloggebration" to God, but I didn't. Partly because I know they're not the most interesting things to read.
On the other hand, I thing it is important, good and highly representative of my life (as a good blog ought to be) to emphasise the passion for God that just keeps building in my life. This morning, for an example (which is pretty average, in statistical terms), I was considering doing so many things - blogging, playing guitar (which I eventually did, but not for as long as I would have), writing essays, reading, studying, whatever - when I thought, stuff it all, that's not what life's about. I'm not putting God off until my regularly planned prayer time (which, interestingly, was this time right now), I WANT to be with God. Now. So we hung out.
Now, for some of you, that's nothing amazing, but looking back on me and my past, it's incredible to see that that's become such a - such *the* - priority for my life. Although to be fair, I'm nowhere near close enough to God, but I'm fighting to get there. I reckon the mission trip is a fair catalyst for this - because I don't want to come back feeling like all that time and money could have been used better. Carmi assures me that I'll feel that whatever happens, but I'm gonna minimise that. And that involves two things - going hard then, and going hard now. So I'm going hard now, and hopefully that's not just a pre-Chile thing, but something I'll keep up. It's not easy - it's a little stressful (still learning how to trust my worries to God) and I've had the odd meltdown (this weekend - which was otherwise incredible - had a bit of one).
In fact, and this sounds a little post hoc, but I quite strongly believe that my worries over the future are a God thing. Test of faith and all. Again, that's kinda obvious, but yeah. I'm not 100% sure how to deal with it, but I'm trying. I praise God for His patience with me, y'know? And the fact that He values me and who I can be enough to go through this with me. What's that verse from Psalm... 37? About "the righteous man will fall many times, but God will always pick him up" or the like - that's really encouraging. My falls have been mainly my lack of trusting in God for the future.
Anyway, time for a subject change. The Ball was incredible, yeah. Saturday was really good, with that and a missions lunch. It's snowed again the past two days which I've been really happy about. Few more things to plan, few things coming up, but I'll deal with them when I come to them. We're all sick of hearing about my future - it's tempting to just choose something and go with it. Actually, I technically had, but my parents snapped me out of that place. Not on purpose.
Darn it, I keep talking about that. I'd almost apologise, but I won't. Because, as I've always said this year, there are two things foremost in my mind - my future (mostly comprising of next year) and my relationship with God. Those are my passions. Everything else falls to the side of those. Technically, my "ministry" - i.e., loving/serving/discipling/reaching others - is in there too, but that flows out of my relationship with God. That's an interesting thought that I just had, I don't discuss my life group on here. Not so much how we're doing (cos I sometimes do) but where we're going. That would be good, sometime. I should make a list of all my possible topics for future blogs. OR... or I do requests. :-)
That's what I was gonna talk about, the CUB. Then the power went out (last night - see Abbey's/Bing's blogs). Yeah, the Civil Unions Bill. I felt like getting my view out there, because the media - and many individuals - portray the argument as either for or against, highly polarised. Which is surprising, especially in New Zealand. I mean, I guess we're pretty black and white at times, but we're not really a country of extremes. I was quite happy to see all that change this year, what with the Prostitution and CU Bills. Not so much the outcry, but the fact that Kiwis are actually standing up for what they believe in, which is something we struggle with more than most - it's true.
So where do I stand? Hmm. Well, like with Farenheit 9/11, excessively biased liberal media coverage of the CUB (Three news, 20/20, Critic) has incensed me enough to strengthen my views (which Social Psychologists would love). It's strange to be a part of the unjustly criticised minority for once, but very interesting.
If I were in Wellington, I'd have been at the march under the Destiny Church banner. Admittedly, that's partly because I've always wanted to march for something. But I'd also vote against the CUB. On the other hand, I'm not fond of the Destiny Church approach. I think homosexuality is an issue - and a sin - but it's nowhere near *the* issue. It's just the salience of the lifestyle and the tradition of the church that puts such an emphasis on the whole thing. Homosexuality is a sin, but so is greed or hatred. But I would vote against the CUB because I believe that it shouldn't be legitimised by legislation. On the other hand (I'm not a fence-sitter, honest! I just have rather specific and overly-considered beliefs), there are valid points raised by homosexual couples that need to be legislatively addressed, but separate from legally recognising their relationship in such a way.
That's my thoughts in a nutshell, just to get them out there. I'd welcome comments, and I gotta make like a banana and split right now. Or a tree and leave. Or a bald man and get outta here. I'm gone.
Well, that was a great life-group. We had a great time of prayer, praise and worship. And Des came, which was really cool. And there’s nothing like getting encouraging prophecies that back up old prophecies – encouraging and faith-building. It’s good to know that even though I don’t know my path, God does; and I haven’t done anything to change that awesome plan He has for me. Even if it does involve doing law.
Flying Ribenas reunion tomorrow night, that’s exciting. I’m looking forward to seeing Roslyn again, but I’m gonna have to think twice about getting a Chocolate Massacre in terms of finances, especially with my suit hire the next day. It’s quite exciting living on the edge of financial trouble, not that I wouldn’t change it if I could! Heh, but I’m not complaining, it’s all part of the process of learning how to handle money in a psychological/spiritual (psychospiritual?) capacity.
Chile, Chile, Chile. Had my first real doubts about my ability to be useful on the mission trip yesterday. Conquered those pretty quickly, perhaps Satan was just testing the water. I’m keen to go 100%, even though that’s really hard, and will be even harder when I’m there. But at the moment, I’m focusing on giving my all – which, in a sense, means giving up my all. Which is why I’m not too fussed with working hard over Summer – I may not enjoy it a lot, but it’s a sacrifice.
I watched the second half of the “Dostoyevski’s Crime and Punishment” film today, it was great – although they didn’t include the epilogue, one of the key parts of the story! It seems strangely relevant to both me – the old me identifies with the Raskolnikov character in some way, although not quite so… intense – and the world as it stands. As a clash between relativism and absolutism, or science and faith or whatever you like. Reason and love. An incredibly interesting psychological story too. Highly highly recommended, especially this version which is very true to the story.
I need a new book to read. I’m down to five, and I’m finishing two of those. I’d love another novel (I’m considering ‘War and Peace’ if I can find it) and a non-fiction (perhaps another Yancey?).
Actually, before I finish, I’d like to say that life at the moment is incredibly piece-meal. Like it’s totally a day-by-day thing, rather than a united, flowing whole. And I think that’s a good thing. It’s having a strange paradoxical stabilizing effect on me – good – but it also means I can’t rely on my planning or my foresight to the same extent that I used to, because I can’t plan on much. Also interesting.
Another point; I’m being given more responsibilities at the moment – helping with Design Weekend, speaking at our Mission retreat (advance!), (helping) planning things etc. And me, Mr. Responsibility-phobe, I’m chucking myself in the deep end on purpose. I’m barely aware of whether I can handle it time-wise, let alone whether I can handle it in any other sense. Still, for some reason that I’m sincerely not comprehending, I seem to be trying to stretch myself a whole lot more this semester – viz. my 6 papers! Maybe it’s a last-ditch attempt to make the most of my last few months as a student?
Last note – I got my Spanish/English parallel Bible the other day, and I’m so happy with it! I’m going to put some classic verses on flash-cards and try and learn them. Very exciting, and a great note to end on. Later!
P.S. I actually found Gus' me-novel quote quite amusing, which surprised me. Well done, boy! And Gail... no, I'm not totally opposed to romance... hehe.
August Snow...
Post-script: or more like, “I tried to post this last night, but blogger wouldn’t let it post-script…” Just been playing in the snow, Carmi gave an update on LifeFM about the snow and all, so that was really cool. Perhaps more later, but it’s an awesome, awesome day. Missed my 9am, gonna make my 10am! Bye!
Post post script - looks like the rest did post last night. Huh. :-)It’s 10:30 on a Sunday night…
And I have a 9am start, but I feel like blogging. No, that’s a lie. I don’t know what I feel like… I guess I don’t feel like going to sleep. Possibly because I’m back to sleeping terribly at the moment, and I can’t be bothered doing that again. And because I still feel that there’s time in the day to do stuff. Pity I don’t have much to say – and pity that the fingers on my right hand are so stiff that it’s really hard to type. That’s because they’re cold. That’s because it’s been snowing. Which I’m totally loving. Good times.
I don’t want to write this, cos I like my most recent post… I’m just gonna have to trust you’ll read it if you missed it. Dunno why I liked it, interesting that. Perhaps because it was quite personal, but in a semi-serious (and so neither superficial nor pretentious) fashion. It was me. I like that.
So I talked to my parents today – as I do every weekend – and it was a great talk. Always is when I pray beforehand (which I’m learning to do). Mum seemed less worried about my future than usual, which was helpful. She can see that I’m actually doing stuff. Which reminds, I’ve got a lunch/chat with Peter Sara – church elder-cum-lawyer – on Friday, which I’m looking forward to. To which I’m looking forward, sorry, stupid prepositional ending rules. But yeah, should be good. Dunno what I’ll say, but I’d appreciate the odd prayer about that, very much! And it would be nice if he had a bit of work for me to do, perhaps… :-)
Successful weekend. Got things done. Got a mega-cool feedbacky-thing from someone at church, saying some guys he brought to church (4th form guys, possible non-Christian) really loved Oxygen and thought I was funny. Not just me, though, the whole service. So, yay! Yay Oxygen-planners! And, of course, that was really edifying to hear (although I should mention that since my insecurity over it, many people have told me that it was good… or at least, bits of it. And good in a Sam way. Which is fine. Heh).
Is it wrong to feel Spirited-Out sometimes? And when I say sometimes, I mean semi-regularly? Like feeling that a Missions meeting followed by School of Leaders and a Church service is about all the info I can handle? Or, perhaps more importantly, not feeling up to praying after a prayer meeting or great prayer time – even though I might want to? I think it’s somewhat to be expected, I just never heard of it before.
Yeah, I think I need to have some dates this week. Maybe two would be good. Abbey and Ruth, perhaps? Let me know, ladies. Any day but tomorrow. Ruth’s got her exam on Wed, yes… hmm. We’ll work something out. Man, there’re lots of people I need dates with (note: I’ve picked up the official Dave P. definition of ‘date’ as one that incurs no romantic undertones whatsoever). And most of them read this blog. Curious. And I think… I think they’re all girls. Hey, I’m happy with that. Very happy.
My Mum would be too.
Here’s an interesting question… how much sleep do I need? I mean, it would be great if this sleeping trouble was God saying ‘hey, look, you don’t actually need 7 hours sleep every day’… but, from experience, that doesn’t ring true. Of course, I mess up the experiment by super-caffeinating myself, but hey. If I were a psychologist, sleep is one of the (admittedly many) things I’d study. Unfortunately, the career of psychology… well, I don’t think it’s for me. It’s snowing quite heavily now. I hope it snows tomorrow morning. It’s supposed to have a high of 4 down here. Yowser.
11pm. Has anyone ever watched Taxi Driver, the 1970s DeNiro/Scorsese film? The main character takes up night-time taxi-driving because he’s an insomniac. Before that job, he used to just catch random trains to nowhere. I like that idea, it’s quite… romantic, in a way. That’s the kind of person I used to see myself as… a slightly disturbed, slightly intense, eccentric loner. Except not quite like that. Not the killing type. I think. Anyways, it’d be cool to have a night-time hobby. Sometimes, when I’m back in Wellington, I pluck the guitar, because I’m far away from my parents’ room.
I could write a novel. Scott thinks I should. About zombies, which – funnily enough – used to be one of those things I used to be really into. Partly because they’re cool, but partly because it’s a pseudo-satirical look at our generation. But one idea was, with the novel, that the zombies took over America, yeah, North and South, but everywhere else was protected, because of the oceans. So we sent over zombie-killing forces, so America could be repopulated. And every now and then some moron gets bitten, doesn’t tell anyone and so infects some other place until New Zealand’s the only one left. I dunno, I just came up with that. Buuuuttt… I won’t write about it. I don’t think zombies are… *cough*… edifying.
Could I write a novel? I mean, really? Could I? Nothing says I couldn’t. It may not be a best-seller, but it could be a seller. Would I? Where would I start? Pipe dream? I’m not sure. If it’s anything like my essays, the first draft would be what I submit. I don’t like going over stuff I’ve already written. Unless it’s a movie script, actually. Or really funny.
I’m just talking; I wouldn’t write a novel, not now. Not because I can’t, nor because I’m too lazy, but because I’d never find an idea I was happy with writing on. It would never be good enough, in a way. I find it strange that I say that. Still, I have some creativity, where else am I going to outlet it? Hmm. Any ideas for a plot, anyone? I’m semi-serious.
Heh, I’d better go. 11:30 and my eyelids are drooping. Have a good week, folks.
Sam’s blogs are… different, lately.
Why is that? I’d guess that it’s because, in fact, life’s been moving (or rather I’ve been changing) too fast for me to document it successfully… so I either don’t try, or catch the tiniest snippet in a snapshot of a tiny part of my day, neither of which live up to the reasons I blog. Which is a bit of a shame. I’m not giving up, though – not that there’s anything wrong with doing that. But I’m in this for the long haul, I hope. I dunno if the tone’s going to change or what… I mean, things are going to get busier, meaning blogs will get less specific (unless there’s something I’m struggling with). Then from November onwards, they’ll be incredibly sporadic (exams, working in Hastings), and go on holiday for a month (Chile). Then… heck, I don’t even know what I’ll be doing then.
Oh yeah, got my exam timetable… my six exams are between November 2 and November 13. That’s a little harsh. But I’ll have to handle that, yo. Heck, I asked for them! Hehe. At least – all going to plan – none will be quite worth 100%. They’ll range from 30-90%. Nice. Praise the Lord.
Okay, so, hmm. Incredible missions training tonight by this fella Gerald (a white dude who pastors [?] a church in China), all about Spiritual Warfare. And… how to say this… I guess I can feel that I’m called into deeper spiritual things. I always knew this, deep down. I can’t say much more about this, because it’s all… shadowy and vague. But yeah, noted.
At the World Prayer Meeting on Friday night (see everyone else’s blogs for more details) I got quite deeply into praying (there were various ‘prayer stations’ we moved between, with different topics to pray for) and really felt for what I was praying for. And I wasn’t struggling to pray out-loud, like I often do at prayer meetings, because Becs had read something that said that that wasn’t necessary… very comforting and liberating. Helped my praying, helped me feel.
I also was thinking of two things that I’ve still remembered, so perhaps they’re important. The first was actually springing from Becs’ e-mail, which was just the thought that when we watch the 6 o’clock (or whenever) news… that’s the world giving its prayer requests to the only people who can help it. Us.
Think on that. I know I need to.
Secondly, and perhaps more controversially, I was thinking about the “the church is the hope of the world” thing. And that the church is the hope of New Zealand. And the weird idea popped into my head that (don’t stone me) New Zealand, in some respects, is the hope of the church. And that don’t seem quite right… does it? And THEN… the youth is the hope of the New Zealand church. So in a way, you lot reading this blog… we’re the hope of the world. Specifically us. You. I mean, I know that some of the logic seems a bit funny, but think it through. The youth is definitely the hope of the church, because we’re not bound by the things the previous generation was. But I believe that New Zealand actually does have a pivotal role to play in the church of this generation – and that all these prophecies aren’t just hot air, or hype.
And that made me love the church a whole lot more. And want to be a part of it, help it grow. Which I’ve been thinking about a little. I’ve been told, and felt, once or twice that I have an apostolic call. And an evangelistic one (which I’m still not confident about, unless its in a different way than I’m picturing it, which is possible). But am I to help the church in some way? How? Curious. And I know that all this is possibly boring, and probably confusing, but it’s definitely worthwhile to stick a flag into the ground here, and come back to it in the future, see what’s come of this.
Okay, off the long-term. What does tomorrow and the rest of the week hold? Not much different tomorrow, signing next year’s lease (and asking guys at church if they’re keen, before we get back to our other prospect) is about it. And hopefully having some me time. Today’s just sped by. Not much else this week, life group on Tues and Wed… oh, Thursday night we’re having a Flying Ribena’s reunion – that’s the life-group Steph and Phil ran in 2002 – to celebrate Roslyn’s coming back to Dunedin to graduate. Hoping to have that at the flat we used to have life-group in, but maybe not. Saturday night’s the ball, that’ll be coolness incarnate. Well, not quite that. Got some exam studying… yeah, not much apart from those things.
This was a serious blog… guess I’m a bit drained. But happy, oh yes!
Be good. :-)
Soooo.... it's a link. Or two. Three?
But c'mon, check these. Who wouldn't want one of these???
And hands up who likes cats?
And you can't tell me you don't want to see this baby in action...
And no, I ain't gonna tell you more about what they are. Except that the last two are from metafilter, so Gus has probably seen 'em. Ciao/Chao!
Social Identity Theory and Crime and Punishment
Maybe I won’t talk about those either, just to spite those who believe I have something against non-Chilean lepers. Some of my best friends are non-Chilean lepers. I’m quite shocked and offended at that accusation.
Soooo, 15 minutes to life group, and I’m sllllllightly nervous. Not really; not in the usual way. I guess it’s because I’m not in a life-group mindset at the moment, what with other things on my mind. And ‘cos I’m not really prepared – although thankfully tonight I’m not really in charge, either. Today has been a pretty weird, but very good, day. Oh, maybe I should mention the last two days too.
Monday was a little hard, after that blog. I just got tired, and almost cranky. Almost. :-) Went to visit my friend Celia, caught up with her, which was very cool. And I’m almost prepared to close the door on the Psyc-future option. Which leaves three (probably not Bioethics either): a) Law, b) Film, c) Something else. More on that later (heh, that has two meanings, yo). Yo indeed. But it was good, mm, good. Still lagging behind on the Essay due on Friday (on Social Identity Theory – there, mentioned), although I thought I would. It’ll get down, it’s a bit hard to find references for, though. Actually, that’s a lie. It’s a bit hard to find references to use for it. No, another lie. There are thousands, it’s just hard to rifle through them all and pick, like, eight. Ah wellsie.
Tuesday was… um…? I think it was good, I can’t really remember much of that either. I’m pretty sure it was. (W/L)ife Group was cool, although I felt a little jealous about how everyone else talked about their relationship with God – but it ended up inspiring me heaps to change, with awesome results… more later, if I remember. My memory’s interesting me at the moment – it’s poo, generally. There are some things I remember well, but most… nope. Which doesn’t help keeping a consistent faith relationship, but I’m working around that. And working around it well. Plus it also makes me write things down, which has ultra-preparedness benefits. Sooo good.
Talked to Abbey afterwards, who graciously took a lot of my planny-burdens from me without complaining at all! Yay! Also had a long-overdue boys’ prayer, which I didn’t need heaps of prayer in, being in a pretty good place… on the other hand, got an awesomely awesome prophecy from the Bingster; talking about how God wants to (/is?) soak/drench me in his Spirit so much that I’m ultraflammable to those around me. And he saw it happening in a lecture theater, indicating that it was now/soon. Which was incredibly encouraging, and terribly in-line with previous prophecies. And some of them Bing knew not about. So, yay.
Then today… oh nuts, it’s life group time. I mean, yay! Heh. More later. :-)
Later…
Well, that was an interesting life group. Didn’t go great, I suppose, but it wasn’t bad. Just a little empty. Hopefully Comm-pact this Saturday will help. I kinda sensed it, too, beforehand. Ah well.
Okay, so, today, yeah? 9am lecture, all good. Quite enjoying Evidence Law (interesting…). Then had a really good prayer time in a Clubs and Socs room (great!). After that, I went to the library and watched half of this excellent, excellent ‘70s Russian adaptation (almost impressionist) of Crime and Punishment, which I’ve been looking forward to for ages. Really faithful adaptation, can hardly wait for the second part. 1pm was good, as was my Sentencing Law class. Came home, made some phonecalls, played some guitar, the rest is history.
However. There was a break in the middle of the (2 hour) sentencing lecture, and I happened to find out that the Legal Professionals Course (which I’m considering taking for next year) booklet was out. And there’s a lecture on it tomorrow. And applications are due (or at least, recommended – priority placing and all) by September 1. Which is kinda soon. And there’s a non-refundable application fee. And…
Hmm, let me explain the last and. There are five cities you can take the course in. Obviously, I’m aiming for Dunedin. There are also three full-time intakes – 17 Jan – 20 April (can’t do because of Chile); 16 May – 16 August; and 5 September – 6 December. Which is all good, I suppose, but what would I do when I’m not doing Profs? I’d need a job, I guess. You can see my worry. Strangely enough, Law seems the most viable option – although I’m still not happy with the thought of being a lawyer. I’m still praying about it, but already I feel like I’ll probably apply for this. And let them choose the intake (we can put preferences, but the rest is up to them).
Let’s reply to comments before I let that gray cloud alight…
Abbey – yeah, the dude we’re considering is Michael, a Chinese accounting student from Bing’s life group.
Ruth – Thanks for the DVDs!
Aunt Donnave – No, but that could have something to do with Abbey deleting a post. Any luck yet?
Mel – Heh, cheers. Tomorrow’s a busy one too!
Hmm, wasn’t too time-consuming, that. Heh. Um… hmph. I’m doing good, just a little, I guess, dampened by a flat life group and the Profs thing. I’ll be good tomorrow. Although there’s that essay… nope, I refuse to let that get the better of me. Tomorrow’s gonna be even better than today! And that, my friends… is a true story.
Time to end with some jokes from Mitch Hedberg:
Sometimes I wave to people I don't know. It is very dangerous to wave to people you don't know, because what if they don't have a hand? They'll think you're cocky. "Look what I got, this thing is useful...I'm gonna go pick something up"
On a traffic light green means go and yellow means yield, but on a banana it's just the opposite. Green means hold on, yellow means go ahead, and red means where the hell did you get that banana at...
I'm against picketing, but I don't know how to show it.
I like vending machines, because snacks are better when they fall. If I buy a candy bar at the store oftentimes I will drop it, so that is achieves its maximum flavor potential
Church and Che Guevara
... he says, trying desperately to keep up with the theme he introduced last blog. And I'm trying not to moan (and act all mature-like, but I can't do that. Oh no, no I can't do that), but this week may be all about trying desperately to keep up. It's looking buuusy! My own fault, really, it's what I wanted and what I thought I could handle - and it's interesting to see exactly what I can handle.
And another thought on this erratic 7:30am on a Monday morning blog (and there may not be one for a while, unless I'm really blessed with SUPER-ESSAY-WRITING-SPEED-OF-DOOM~!!!), is the amount/quality of sleep I get directly related to my stress levels, or is it deeper? Does it spiral? Last week, I had 6 beautiful, beautiful sleeps, from Sunday night (after Boys' Prayer) until Friday night (after Boy Bash!). And that was a goood week. It seems natural, although spiritually/emotionally immature (somewhat) to have such a direct link between quality of sleep and of life. So how do I prevent myself having a cranky week?
Stress effects me in an interesting way. I mean, I may be naive regarding how it works, but most people know when they're stressed. Me, I either predict it (ooo-err) or recognise it post facto. Because I don't seem to manifest it hugely. Or am I wrong there too?
Speaking of "manifest" and "hugely", it was an interesting weekend. That got some of your attentions, although some will be scratching their heads. And it's not actually in the slightest bit relevant (although Steve Gwyn gave an interesting talk on prayer/deliverance for missions...). You might be interested - though probably not surprised - that I got a revelation at 1am on Sunday morning about something I needed prayer for: a rather deep-seated insecurity regarding the fear of social ridicule/value judgments.
I mean, duh. :-)
So, uh, working on that one. And it might take a while, so bear with me. I completely recognised I had this, to some extent, but didn't consider it a prayer-worthy thing until Sunday morning when I really began to comprehend it, its roots, and its fruits. So, yoinky-yoinky on that, and bare with me. Wait... it's 'bear' with me, isn't it? Or is it? It's too early... but then, if I say "bare with me" and it's the other one, well, things could get extremely... interesting. And I won't make a call on whether its more or less interesting than if I said "bear with me" and that was wrong.
Rrrrrooooaaarrrr!
So. 6 hours of study today, perfectly segmented by a one-hour quiet time at 12. Then home to cook dinner and chat to a possible future flatmate (we only need one; thankfully - for many reasons - Dave's staying!), followed by a visit to my ol' ol' buddy (known her longer than almost everyone in Dunedin, actually... with the possible exception of Reuben - *wave*!) Celia, to catch up but also to investigate the possibility of future Psyc study/work for me (she's PhDing).
Which reminds, my funny call of the day yesterday: "Hastings?" (Where Dave lives) "Ah yes, that's Brendan's family in a hurry." Ah, I kill me. Talk about self-centred.
Anyways, that's what today holds. Oh, I might get a bit of study in this evening afterwards, if I keep my Celia-meeting short. Which would be a bit of a shame, but I'll have to. Maybe I'll get up early on Tuesday morning.
David Lange and Zombies
That was my evening tonight. Interesting mix, enjoyed it. Lange had an open lecture about different faiths working together for peace, then we went to see Shawn of the Dead, very funny movie. Good times. So why am I blogging? Not really sure. For the sake of blogging, which I haven’t done (like this) in a while, so I thought it’d add variety. Like a variety show, mmm? Yes. True story.
I wonder what my next catch-phrase is going to be?
For a somewhat morbid, but fascinating read, check out this link (via Phil B.’s blog) about the Golden Gate Bridge’s history of jumpers. It’s a very interesting look at the psychology of, well, a lot of people.
"I'm going to walk to the bridge. If one person smiles at me on the way, I will not jump". [He did.]
"I instantly realized everything in my life I thought was unfixable was fixable-----except for having just jumped".
“Survival of the fittest. Adios—unfit,” one seventy-year-old man said in his valedictory; another wrote, “Absolutely no reason except I have a toothache.”
I know that makes some of us uncomfortable, but it also – hopefully – makes us think. And in less that-kinda-news, um, hi! It’s midnight. Tomorrow I have a few things to do, but it’s pretty free. I’m considering seeing an afternoon movie (The Battle of Algiers), and we’ve got Boy-Bash (boy’s night out) in the evening. And organising. I have a lot of organising to do. Mainly little things, sending a stack of e-mails organising people. Which is fine, I enjoy that. Okay, you caught me; I’m fishing for things to say after the link above. Talk about an Elephant in the Room!
G’wan, talk!
I met my old school friend last Thursday. Nick. He’s got a band, Autozamm. They were doing a tour for their latest EP, and I went to hear them with Mel, after a movie. Very talented group. But this dude (the lead singer) was my best friend from the ages of 4 or 5 until 9 or 10… and we’ve never really caught up since. Although on stage he was your regular (drunken, crass) rocker, he was a whole lot more real in our oh-so-brief chat afterwards. I really want to catch up with him. He’s an excellent, excellent guy. Well, I presume. Heh. Mel and I were both thinking afterwards that they’d make a great Christian band. Y’know, if they were Christian. Not that that’s the only reason I wanna chat with him.
But it’s funny, because I was thinking recently about my need to meet up with old friends, and I was really thinking of ‘old’ as in quite recent, even those I’m still close to (the Girls upstairs, Abbey etc) but don’t chat to heaps. As well as some of my old, but not too-old friends (Guy, Anna, Jean… Celia – who I hope to see very soon). But then this fella pops up out of nowhere, and he’s the oldest friend I’ve got. Who’da thunk it? Not I.
Okay, so, how’m I? I’m great, I really am. Had an excellent life group on Wednesday, and all my boys (all three of them – Steve’s no longer coming, Chris is away again) are growing so much closer to God, which really makes up for the lack of numerical growth in our group. We’re all getting into prayer quite strongly, and have an increasing hunger for God, which is… just so cool! Right, right, back to me.
I’m in a good place. I’m feeling good (not hugely important, but I like it), and I’m on a good path. Whether or not I’m at a new spiritual level remains to be seen – I haven’t quite grasped what I learned this weekend. In fact, it’s been suggested by a friend that there could be some dormant issues that I need to deal with, which can tug me down into depressive thinking. Which I’m not sure about – I see how it could be true, in a way, but it doesn’t seem like it is. Nevertheless, I’m not one to ignore this kinda warning, so I’m putting a lot of prayer into it. I’m (re-)learning all about “coming in the opposite spirit” and “pulling down lies and replacing them with Truth” again, which is important.
All four of us (not Bing) are pretty sure we’re staying here next year, so we’re only looking for one more (male) tenant, and we’re not hugely fussy. I’m still a bit nervous about making that commitment to stay here, which isn’t a great thing. I’m going to make it, though, and force myself to rely on God. I might be procrastinating about investigating options for next year, so I will get onto that pretty soon. In a way, law might not be a terrible option. But my dream – whatever that may be – seems bigger than that. Meh, we’ll see. We’ll see.
Pre-dinner, pre-life-group blog.
And it’s not gonna last, ‘cos dinner should be soon, but that’s okay. If it’s not a proper length, I’ll post the whole thing later on. Good to get started on it now, I suppose. I’m feeling a bit better about the number of comments this time, I guess. Maybe it’s an insecurity (actually, it definitely is) but my mind says “no feedback, therefore you’ve done something wrong”. So yeah, now you know. I think I might actually have to go and ask people how my MCing went – not because I care deeply, but because the silence disturbs me. Is that wrong?
Heh. I should also mention that that last blog was supposed to be a happy no-longer-sad blog, having overcome (most) of my bad mood. Still, it did have some sad responses, which I didn’t really want at all. Fact is, I struggle. Who doesn’t? Perhaps mine are worse, or more frequent than some people’s, but I think the fact is just that I put mine into words. And I’m an emotional person. So don’t fret, next time. Next time. Heh. I’m almost looking forward to it, to be honest. Michelle, you’re totally write about the brokenness thing, it’s a good place to be.
Actually, that reminds. I’m reading ‘Disappointment with God’ which, at least at the moment, is going through the Old Testament, relating how God felt… and it’s an incredible way of looking at it, although not in the whole ‘understanding my disappointment’ kinda way (although I’m no longer disappointed in Him, ‘cos He’s good), but in an ‘understanding the relationship with God that man has’. And that totally reinforces my opinion that a broken Christian is a close-to-God Christian. Which is quite similar to your remark too, Abbey. And I’ve noticed, even since Monday, that it’s still incredibly hard for God to get my attention when life’s good, even when He has/does manifest Himself really clearly. Very very very interesting. I should also add that I’m definitely much closer to Him than… well, before, I guess. Perhaps than ever (perhaps not… but I’m on a higher level now).
On an unrelated note, Brendan and I were chatting the other day, and somehow we got onto discussing flies being in people’s ears. Then Bing said, well, if there were a fly in my ear, I’d spray ‘im. And I said he could do that, but only if he yelled ‘Ear Raid’ first.
Which I thought was incredibly witty. And I was right.
For those who don’t get it, Raid is a type of fly-spray. So it’s a double-pun. Damn I’m good.
I’d better go check on dinner, but I’ll post this now. Hopefully more soon! Until then, um, love life. Some great philosopher said that quite recently. :-)
Oh, and a PS to Gail – “Wife Group” is just what I (and… no, it’s really just me) call Dan’s Life Group, to distinguish it. Because I (we?) always tease him about looking for a wife. And he doesn’t like it being called “Wife Group”. Hehe.
I’ve got a lot to say.
Am I gonna say it all? Indubitably not. But, barring any unseen interventions, which could well happen, this could be a jam-packed blog nonetheless. And I may carry through with my earlier plan and rip it up (RIP!) into chunks. We’ll have to wait and see, won’t we folks? And I’d appreciate some comments on this one, the minimalist comment approach doesn’t really encourage me to blog. And I know that was a blatant request, but hey, if Bing can get 36, then so can I! :-)
Well… what a crazy bizarre weekend. If the previous weekend was dull and boring for its predictability and antisocialness (and it was – not that I minded), this weekend was about as unpredictable as a cat, right, on fire, strapped to 200 helium balloons that have suddenly all become untied at the nozzle-knot. And about as scary, I suppose. But how do I put it into words? I can’t do the usual step-by-step, day-by-day (fresh start out with a different hand to play!) analysis, because it’s quite a blur. So we’ll play it by ear. Was it good? In general, was it a good, happy weekend? Well, you’ll have to be a little more specific, miladdo. It wasn’t all good at the time, no. Although sometimes I wasn’t aware of it, there was some mighty scary stuff going on inside of me.
Lordy, this is gonna freak some people out. Oh well, best be honest.
I wish I could be more descriptive, but I still haven’t got my head around it. Basically, a bunch of bad-thinking had downward-spiralled into a subconscious depressive state, I suppose. I was quite emotional all weekend (whether I showed it or not). Actually, I was pretty good at the Saturday night party (Mel and Louise’s combined birthdays), but not so good at other times. In fact, it wasn’t until this morning that I felt better. My 9am class was cancelled (and I had been told about it last week, gutted!) so I went to have my quiet time in the Clubs and Societies building. And it was good. It was a prayer time I’d been praying for, and I broke a lot of things in the spiritual. And got some good old intercession in there too.
In a sense, it’s not over, there’s some mind-traps that I’ll constantly have to deal with for a bit, regarding faith, and God, and the big questions. And trusting in Him. You know, the basics. Which we seem to have a natural talent of making extremely complicated and twisted. I do, anyway.
Mike’s message on Sunday morning, about curses and blessings, seemed appropriate. Well, the main part of the message was about attitudes toward provision, which was also relevant, but not as ground-breaking. I actually cried during the worship, I didn’t realize how much I was hurting. And I still don’t get why, except that I was disappointed with God. And our relationship. And a lot of that got healed. We’re working on the rest. I confessed a lot of this to the Chile mission team on Saturday (and felt like an overemotional loon – but it’s good to be honest. Heh) and my boys on Sunday. I felt quite guilty regarding my spiritual immaturity, but oh well. They were all quite encouraging.
Also, I managed to pull off MCing at church, which was – as ever – incredibly nerve-wracking. I’d prefer street-preaching. And I don’t know if I made a huge fool of myself or not – thankfully (in one sense) I got very little feedback, as usual. Funnily, on the schedule for the evening, my bit was entitled ‘Sam Stupidity’ – which is amusing, and flattering to think that people trust me enough not to get offended at that. Which I didn’t, ‘cos it’s all true and funny. :-) Oh, and I sung. From Cabaret. Why on Earth did I do that?
But yeah, in short, this weekend broke me, which, as most of us know, is a good thing. I realized how incredibly independent I aren’t (oh, all right, how incredibly dependent I am), with regards to God and to others. Since I’m not sure what’s been going on, I’m worried it’ll pop up again, that it hasn’t really been dealt with… so yeah, I’m going to have to trust in God a whole lot more. In the actual sense.
Actually, there’s a point (and I’m spending more time on this than I planned to, there’re other things I want to talk about). My previous trust in God was a “this thing’s coming up, God, please help. Sweet.” This morning it was much more… personal, I guess. “God, I can’t handle this, but I know You can. I know You can. And You’re gonna have to. Here, here it is, I’m giving it to You completely!” Looking at it that way, it’s an incredibly important lesson for me to learn.
I’m just not sure if I’ve learned it yet.
In terms of prayer requests, there’s plenty right there. :-)
What else did I want to talk about? Influence, leadership, manliness, old friends, new friends, confidence, books, study, flatting, next year (duh)… remind me to get back to those. Actually, I’ll mention the flatting thing. We found out today the landlord’s putting this flat up $5, not $10. Which is a blessing. So it’ll be $92 a week each. Still hefty, but better. And Dave’s probably leaving, meaning we need two more flatmates – of the same gender, I suppose. Either/or. I’d really really prefer at least one to be a Christian – although I’ll probably have the girls upstairs. Any thoughts would be good, I’ll get to asking people.
Which brings me to another point (my last for tonight?) – my boys. Dave and Bing. This year, they have been the biggest blessing, I don’t know how I would have survived without them. Next year, they’ll probably both be going. I’ll still keep in touch – I’m sure Dave and I will organize something – but it’s quite hard breaking the fellowship (let’s not get into a LotR: FotR discussion here!). I suppose we’re not, we’re just… stretching it. And there’s a time and a season for everything, and I’ll have support in a different way, yadda yadda yadda (let’s not get into a Seinfeld discussion here!). Still, it’s sad. True story.
Man, there’s so much more I want to talk about! Gutted! I’m even supposed to be doing an hour’s paid filming on Wednesday, which I’d like to mention, but I’ll say more after. Saw Coffee and Cigarettes tonight, hilarious. Got two or three more festival movies to slot in this week. Wife Group tomorrow afternoon, Life Group on Wednesday night (eep, need to plan it!), homework due… the guitar-playing graph is definitely sloping up into the weekends!
Also strongly considering using the mid-semester holidays (at the end of this month!) for both a mission team retreat (ADVANCE!) and a trip to Promise Keepers in Christchurch. Not to mention that we’ve got our Men’s night (‘Boy Bash’) this Friday night. Jeepers! I think Thursday’s free… oh, I guess I’ll have to see Shaun of the Dead then, sorry J!
Okay, finishing now. Since I wrote some heavy stuff near the top, I’d better clear up that I’m doing great now, and I also think I’m on the path to getting the hang of this thing I’m struggling with, slowly but surely. Which is comforting. Please please please be praying for me in that, and for my quiet times. Satan is going to pay big time.
OVER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!