I know what I’m doing next year!!!
Man, you’re gullible. Heh heh. April, May, June, July and August fools! I just didn’t know how to start today’s blog. And I’m not in a writing mood, but maybe that’ll kick me off. Oh, I’m not ‘not in a writing mood’ like I was on Sunday, that was cos I was in a bit of a bad mood. I’m not in a bit of a bad mood today. Things are quite, mmm… nice. Juicy. I’m just a bit dazed and confused. We’ll see if that comes through.
Don’t slip on loose muesli!
Don’t drink and sleep on the street!
Stand back, clergy on the cliff-top!
Don’t let your children run free!
I should mention that I have been thinking about next year over the past few days, and not in a worried way. As I have mentioned – have I? – I’ve applied to be a Tutor-Supervisor, along with half the other students at Otago. I’m quietly optimistic, though. You know. For a change. Heh. Also, I talked to Kristy this afternoon (as I seem to do every Wednesday afternoon… good fun) and she mentioned that her OUSA receptionist position is still needing a replacement next year. Something I’ve thought about before. But it didn’t grab me, didn’t seem… ‘me’. I think it was the working environment/people that turned me off a bit. Still, if I had to…
I still haven’t talked to anyone about tutoring next year, and I just realized that perhaps I shouldn’t… not if I’m doing Profs in May or September. Kinda disruptive. Might still investigate it. I did, also, run into Nate and Nicky. These guys are a married couple of students from America, and they do some work for Jeremy “Yogs” Thornton (soon to be married himself) handing out fliers. Which is also a free space next year. So I’m looking with some interest – not with great excitement – at getting some jobs until Profs rears its poorly-timed head. If I don’t work full-time, that would leave me time for the two reasons I love Dunedin – 1. The people; 2. Elim/Cutting Edge. Which is… interesting.
I found myself a little… dissatisfied with Cutting Edge and my life group tonight. Which I expressed to my life group, but not in so many words. No, dissatisfied is wrong. Frustrated that I couldn’t see it growing as it should. I don’t know where it came from at all, but suddenly I felt a little… stagnant. Personally, that is – I won’t say anything against Cutting Edge, not like this. I’m treading a thin line as it is. I guess I’m just re-evaluating our/my purpose and seeing if we’re actually achieving it. Way I saw it today, we’re growing internally (character, etc), c.f. my life group. But partly because of our 3-year-membership-turnover, and partly because of our focus/direction, we’re not growing in numbers. And I’m not blaming anyone – if I did, I’d start with myself – but I guess it’s something I’d like to work on next year.
Evangelism terrifies me.
Worth saying. But evangelism – be it traditional or relational or whatever – is vital.
I reckon Chile will help, because I’ll be forced to do it. But it’ll be different there, because it won’t be my people I’m reaching. It frustrates me that it scares me. It frustrates me that I find it so hard to pray for non-Christians (heck, praying in general). It frustrates me that, in order to comfort myself, I try to convince myself that surely Jesus isn’t the only way, maybe non-Christians get a second chance after death.
It frustrates me that I don’t see these attitudes changing, nor do I see them changing in many other people (not that that’s my ‘problem’).
Writing this now I remember something Bing said during Monday’s Boys’ Prayer – that that very frustration is there for a reason, for an effective reason. And that could well be true. It would certainly fit in with what else God’s been telling me. But right now I’m just frustrated.
Did you pick that up?
Heh, okay, enough of that. That only came up just now, just tonight. Interesting thoughts, though. Apart from that (and there’s always gotta be something, doesn’t there?), everything’s going pretty great. It’ll be a struggle to get my assignments done for next week, but oh well. Lucky this weekend’s pretty free.
A bit of a backtrack to the frustration stuff – it links in with thinking about next year. Because I’m frustrated about my priorities regarding God – He should be first, actually first. Which was the topic of Sunday morning’s message, and the life group one. But what does that mean? If Cutting Edge put God first, wouldn’t we evangelise more? Would we? Or is Journeying – Relationship Evangelism – actually the best approach? How can we do that? Does it work? And this has personal relevance, especially because one of the main reasons I’m planning on being here next year is because I believe in Cutting Edge. So if I’m putting so much into it, I want to make sure my heart’s in the right place.
I hope I’m not getting critical here, correct me if I am. I guess I’m just asking myself silly questions like “would it be better to do something like The Oscars, or to go evangelise and save a soul?” Which I know is silly, but has some element of what I’m thinking. “When I go to lectures, do I actually go for God/others or for me?” Putting God first means putting souls first. Am I doing that?
Sundays, statistically, get the least blog views.
And, it seems, the least blogs written. But I have a free moment to write, and I feel I’m a little behind.
Heh, I’m a little behind. Heh heh heh. Geddit? Heh heh.
Mmm, anyways. I’m not in an overly talkative mood. Nor an overly positive mood. This weekend’s been a bit of a fight to stay in control, actually. I’ve snapped at a few people, which I don’t think I ever really do. Good experience, though, fighting that kinda stuff. Builds character.
So I’m gonna have to resort to the old what-happened-this-week routine, being very flat and tired (emotionally, that is, I slept in again this morning. I’ve decided that going School of Leaders has had to become the exception, not the rule. Hard decision to make, but it kinda made itself).
Life Group on Wednesday felt a little bad, because I had to keep leaving to organize the Oscars. My boys are more than capable of handling it without me, but y’know, it felt a little rotten. I’m their leader! Still, seemed to go well. I want to do something different this week, but I’m not sure what. I should pray about that.
Man, my prayers have become so self-centered. Partly because I just don’t pray enough, I think. There’re some things/people that I should pray for every day, but I’m lucky if I pray for them every week. It’s much easier to pray for people when you see them in need, or when you see them, period. My prayerlessness is pretty bad, but it should make me feel worse.
What was I talking about? Oh yeah, my week. Umsy. Thursday was Oscars judging night, that went well. A little pressed for time, but it went well. I was glad that everyone laughed a lot, I’d hate us to go into the Oscars thinking the movies weren’t funny! As for the Oscars themselves, what can I say? Really went off without a hitch, and also blew everyone’s expectations. Totally funny and fun night. Saturday night was Carmi’s birthday party which was also really fun and funky-fun. With nice food. Today was Jared B.s/Nicola L.’s joint 22nd birthday BBQ in Woodhaugh Gardens. Good fun, but I was a bit out of it, so I left early.
I’ve been complaining too much recently. But not, I think, in the sense of complaining, but in the sense of being honest when people ask how I am. And I’m good, I just need a break. There’s a thought. Maybe I shouldn’t go to the DCBC ball on Saturday.
Anyways, not much to write about, but that’s an update for yas. I’m still alive, and if there’s one thing that’s going to be different this week than next, it’s that I’m going to make more time for people – shouldn’t be too hard, being less busy. But I was reminded of that during this morning’s service, that I’ve perhaps been too busy, not leaving any time for people… so, hopefully…
Is it any less of a storm because you enjoy it?
That’s how I feel at the moment. Times are crazy, stressful, and tiring, but MAN I’m enjoying them. That’s because God is definitely here with me. I’m struggling to see Him at times – perhaps I’m looking too hard – but yep, He’s here. Perhaps I’m not finding His peace at 1am when I’m thinking too hard to sleep, or during my lectures, but He’s helping me in ways that I can’t imagine. Or don’t.
Got an e-mail from my sister today, the Parachute ’05 Press Release. Last week of January, so I’ll miss it by a week. Worse still is that – as I suspected, strangely – Third Day will be there! And Audio Adrenaline. Gutting! Ah well. There’s always next year.
I’m a little disconcerted during this time, because I’m not going through my usual process of uncovering things (or having things uncovered for me) and working through them with God. But they still pop up. So I’m often thinking about something I really need to bring to God and ask to be transformed in (although that’s not always how I go about it), but because this is a busy season it just slips by. Which makes me wonder if I’m not growing.
But on the other hand, that’s really not bothering me. For some reason I have a real peace that those things aren’t going to pass away because I’m not focusing on them. And I definitely see that I’m growing in this season as well, even when I’m not consciously trying to. God is good. It’s funny – as an aside – how much of an emphasis I put on personal growth. I guess it’s always been a big thing for me, it’s always been a big purpose for my life. Hmm.
In fact, the only thing I can consciously think of now that I have learned in the usual revelationy way is that blog from a couple of weeks ago – “*cough*”. About how wanting to do great things for God is almost always just ‘selfish ambition’. I was thinking this morning about how the greatest thing a person can do, ever, is serve God within His will. Which, you know, duh. But it was kinda cool to realize that I’d actually taken that into my head, even if I haven’t got it fully in my heart yet.
Just as a side-note, this makes me reflect on something Aunt Donnave said a few posts back about how this seems to be a stable, healthy God-place. I wasn’t too sure at the time, because I thought I was too busy to grow or anything, but huh, would you look at that. Maybe she was right. :-)
So, this week I’ve been literally allocating my time by the hour – as in, I’m pretty much fully booked. Which is great, but I do regret not only not having time to laze around in, but also not being able to be spontaneous or flexible. Last night I wanted to both do Boys’ Prayer and call a friend to support them (and to have a laugh!), but because of commitments I couldn’t do either. I don’t regret that, because I wouldn’t change how it happened. And I had a fun, productive night. But I’d feel bad if there was someone who really needed to talk to me and I couldn’t be there for them… I guess I’ll cross that bridge when I come to it.
But I’m totally getting away from my main purpose for blogging today, which is absolutely to proclaim God’s goodness. And not out of obligation, or theory, or peer pressure (!), but out of real… well, I spent 5 minutes there looking for more adjectives, but “real love” is all I could come up with. True love? It feels like ages since I’ve felt this kind of personal, deep love for God, especially when I’m not in worship. But this is a non-emotional love, which is what’s really strange (to me). Like, it’s more of a respectful admiration and friendship than a burning “Hallelujah”. Which I presume is a taste of what it’s supposed to be like.
So that’s nice.
Reading “The Pursuit of God” is really good for me – if any of you haven’t read it yet, then you NEED to. The link should be a few posts ago. Here’s another snippet of juicy goodness:
“The greatest fact of the tabernacle was that Jehovah was there; a Presence was waiting within the veil. Similarly the Presence of God is the central fact of Christianity. At the heart of the Christian message is God Himself waiting for His redeemed children to push in to conscious awareness of His Presence. That type of Christianity which happens now to be the vogue knows this Presence only in theory. It fails to stress the Christian's privilege of present realization.
According to its teachings we are in the Presence of God positionally, and nothing is said about the need to experience that Presence actually. The fiery urge that drove men like McCheyne is wholly missing. And the present generation of Christians measures itself by this imperfect rule. Ignoble contentment takes the place of burning zeal. We are satisfied to rest in our JUDICIAL possessions and for the most part we bother ourselves very little about the absence of personal experience.”
Perhaps because of where I’m at more than the text itself, the thing I love the most about this book is that it’s so clearly filled with a deep abiding love for God, more so than any other book I’ve read. In fact, I only dare read it in snippets, in case either I miss something good (which I will anyway) or it loses its impact from being read in large chunks.
Okay, I’m off to Uni. It’s 10:30am and I just had a big lunch… because I probably won’t eat until I get back home at 7pm. Hey, when you put it that way, it’s quite a long day. Huh.
So, as a parting remark, prayerfully read a little bit of The Pursuit of God every morning, it’ll bless your day. Be good (or, as Rich Mullins used to write with his autograph: "Be God's"), and bless the Lord!
Things are running pretty smoothly. Ahr.
Sunday night… I feel guilty that I’ve been skipping so many church things this term. Of course, when I say that I mainly – only - mean School of Leaders and Oxygen. I suppose I only feel guilty when I compare myself to others; well, especially my flat-mates – wave!. And I do feel somewhat bad that I’m not getting into School of Leaders. I mean, it’s good, and it’s free, but I’ve worked it out and I don’t always have time for it. I should stand by that fact instead of wavering every time I skip it. It’s not like I always plan on skipping it, I go when I can. Silly boy, caring what others think. Tsk tsk.
Since it’s International Talk Like A Pirate Day, I was gonna post my Plea in Mitigation in Pirate-Speak (given the great reaction to the Spanish blog), but there’s not too much you can do with it. So I’ll post a short bit:
“T' accused informs me that his poor financial situation lead him t' this approach, bein' afraid that t' formal process o' lodgin' a complaint would take too long, and would leave him without enough doubloons t' get by. Thus he decided t' confore t' victim, and discuss t' matter in a public place with his buckos. He had no intention o' committin' violent actions before t' event occurred.”
Just for you guys. So, what’s up with me? I’m probably over the hill now, lookin’ down, but I’ve still got some walking to go! Got my Psyc, Spanish and Law done today, and I’ve still got a Psyc, Spanish and Law thing to go. And the Oscars. So I’m half-way through my month from… well, ‘Nam. Let’s say that. And I’m enjoying it. I was sleep-deprived and brain-warped quite crazily last week, it was pretty funny. A first for me.
And I’ve got a lot to go yet, I reckon. And I’m gonna have very little break between my assignments and exam study. And straight after exams I’m up to Hastings to work on the fruit field with Dave. And then I have a one week break during Christmas… and then Chile! And then back to Dunedin…
Big pause.
So, I’m very likely to get offered the second Profs intake – mid-May to mid-August. That means that since I get back here mid-Feb… I could just work for 3 months. Possibly full-time, possibly part-time. If it’s part-time, and I can get by, I can feed a lot more into Cutting Edge. It’s a thought. I’m also going to apply for the infamous Tutor-Supervisor position at Uni – the computer-room assistant thing. Good pay, good hours, I’d probably enjoy it. Buuuut… is it for me? Who knows. Not me. But it’s an option. In fact, at the mo., it’s the option that seems most likely at the moment. I mean, the part-time T-S job until profs. And then… mmm. Too far. That’s a whole year away. Yah.
Okay. Let’s talk about the Oscars. Briefly. Going really well, and it’s gonna be big. I need to do some work – a lot of work – on it before Friday. Working out what – if any – I can do with selling off Oscar vids/VCDs. And getting the movies onto one/two videos. And organizing people to help out. That’ll be sweet, it’s gonna work well. Man, I’m looking forward to it. And if YOU, dear reader, are going… BE ON TIME. There’s a special… thing… for those who arrive on time. YOU WILL MISS OUT if you’re late. Tell your friends.
What’s going on next w/e? Hmm… Hey, I just remembered, today was supposed to be a day of rest for me. It… it kinda was. As in, I slept in and didn’t work too hard. Ah, I’ll take what I can get. Ooh, I’m cooking tomorrow. What was I saying? Next w/e. Sorry, I’m using this to plan more than to talk to youse. Feel privileged, now. Oh yeah, Thida’s 21st last night was great! Bath Street – first time I’ve been there, it’s smaller than I thought it would be. I served food or night and I loved it – not sure whether it was because I got to hang with Nam and Yasmin, whether I loved serving, or whether I wasn’t in the mood for being overly social. Possibly some combination. Anyway, very fun, felt privileged to help bless Thida, although I did very little in comparison to some people!
Oops, there’s me comparing again. I really need to stop that. I’ve been thinking about that kinda thing recently. Y’know, the whole selfish thing I was talking about earlier? Meh, not important. Well, it is, but I’m not hugely worried about it at the moment. And yet, it’s still being worked through. Interesting.
Ahhhhhhhhnd I’m outta things to say. Byesie!
Pre-church School-of-Leaders-skipping fun!
Hey, I've got my reasons. :-/ Anyways, two things to mention. Was praying the other day and Luke 12:52 popped into my head. I was all like, 'Nah, no way that's from God, there isn't even any Luke 12:52.' But there is. And although it's not relevant to anything at all, it's still very... well, it's got some eerie significance. At the very least, it made me laugh.
I should note, that's not actually how it is, but we sometimes joke as if it were...
But I really wanted to link to this, I found my emotions somewhat mixed, but I have to go with the subway guy on this one. Because he's funny. And I think... yes. I think I'm going to have to start using that as my own personal threat. Might not go so far as to change my blog title, but you'd better not annoy me now. :-)
Oh, and a final link, because otherwise Gus would make me walk the plank: Welcome to international talk-like-a-pirate day. *cough*. Ahhhhrrrr!
Next week: Spanish to English, care of Google.
This is how google translates my composition regarding my schedule next week. Note: exaggerations, self-pity and down and out lies sometimes added for effect.
The next week I very will be occupied. I will have to write many tests. I cannot write them this week because I must write other tests this week! Poor man my! Also I must organize a celebration. September is a month very occupied for my!
The next seven Monday I will rise and average in the morning. I will go to my classes of the nine until the four. I will return to my house to four of afternoon and will touch my guitar until five and the average one. Later I will cook tacos for my companions of apartment and. That night, I will study. I will lie down but or to eleven less.
The next Tuesday I will sleep until late - I will rise to nine! I will leave to the university to eleven and the forty in the morning and will return to four less the ten of afternoon. I will relax until the five when we are my friends of my church and I. We were all the weeks, and our group is called group of life. My Jeremy companion will cook. After food, I will write a test and I will watch the television until I will lie down.
The other days of the week will be similar to the next Tuesday. But Friday at night my friends and I will present/display I compete from short to our church. The aid is called The Oscars! It will be one night very amused. Saturday at night I will go to a celebration of my friend, Carmi. It will be twenty-one years old! Sunday I will spend the time to church. The next week I very will be occupied, but I like thus.
Your Honour, my client is a ninja boxer who was force-fed "P" at the time of the offence.
Yay! Finally a title without three little dots at the end! Yeah, this is a procrastination-blog, in a way. Also I'm trying to keep a little more regular. The title refers to the Plea in Mitigation I have to prepare for Sentencing Law on Friday. I'm not actually going to argue that, obviously - although it would make things both interesting and easier. It's kind of enjoyable, though, just time-consuming.
My previous blog was probably flatter and greyer than it should have been because of the post-Design Weekend slump that I'm sure a lot of us felt. But yeah, I am working hard, which is putting a different spin on things than I'm used to. And I'm feeling quite convicted about my self-centredness, which is interesting. Is 'dying to self' one of the hardest - if not the hardest - things for us Christians (especially in the West) to grasp? Especially the concept of esteeming others above yourself. Interesting. It's certainly incredibly hard for me.
Part of that, I suppose, is my own self-image (which is by definition an issue here). Because I struggle with finding my value in God, rather than people, I find esteeming others higher than I value myself to be challenging. Because you need to be self-secure to be humble. You need to love yourself before you can love others as yourself (remind you of anything, Jeremy? Hint: Mimi). You need to be confident that in dying - to self - you actually will receive life, rather than loving it to lose it. This is definately one of the biggest challenges and focuses of my Christian walk. I must decrease that He might increase.
So that's interesting. Also... no, still can't talk about that e-mail because I haven't done anything about it yet. It'll come. Be patient.
Oscars are rapidly approaching. I'm incredibly thankful that the editing and the organising have been spread out amongst many rather than the four of us who are running the Oscars. Next Friday, 7:30pm at church. Be there - ON TIME. Or you'll miss out on the ultra-cool start. Probably the biggest challenge will be gathering and assembling peoples' videos before the night. Still, it'll be all good.
What else is up? Not heaps... trying to do that Duty Solicitor thing on Friday morning, but it's a little harder to organise than I thought it would be, given that my contact person is out of town until that Friday. Still, at least all this effort makes me value the thing higher.
Back to the comments on my last blog - well, Donnave's... I was quite interested about what you said about my God-relationship based on my last blog... yeah, it is steady, but I recognised last night that when it's like this, I don't feel like I'm growing. So that's interesting - I'm not contented with being content at the moment, because I know I've got a long way to go. I don't think that's a bad thing, that I want to get back into that place of... I guess fighting for my faith. Perhaps I'm just a thrill-seeker at heart, I dunno. But good thoughts, thank you.
Also worth a mention is that Becs is back and blogging - see the link on the side. And there's a lot of interesting stuff being said in this blogisphere at the moment, it's intriguing to see people pull out these kinda things (not talking about Becs here - well, not just Becs). So there's a lot of good reading this week, if you're lagging behind. I'll try and keep a little more regular with this baby too, so keep 'em peeled.
All right, back to my case. It's seriously bad, this guy's got very few mitigating factors going for him. It'll be a struggle to avoid preventive detention, or a sentence less than 8 years. Oh, it's not a real person - although it's based on one - so don't worry. Don't go praying for my client. Heh. But I'm beginning to wonder if being a barrister would be so bad after all...
One down…
My fingers are almost trembling as I write this. Almost. But I resolved to blog before the day was over, and blog I will. The title refers to the fact that I’ve finally finished my Psyc assignment, which was started and finished within 30 hours. I’ve never, ever rushed an assignment like that. And it’s 11pm, so I’ve still got 18 hours to work on it before it’s hand-in time; not even an all-nighter. I guess I’m trying to say that it’s very strange to me to be rushed like I have been/am today.
Anyways, that one’s down, two more this week. One of ‘em’s easy, the other’s hard. Both due Friday. I can do it. In other news, I’ve got that Duty Solicitor observation thing this Friday morning, the one I missed out on last month? Yeah, so hopefully that goes ahead, I felt bummed at missing the last one. I’d like to know, just in case. Oscars are going splendidly, although the night’s rapidly approaching. Still not sure how to handle the amount of entries we’re getting! We’ve got a meeting coming up, it’ll be sweet.
Got an interesting e-mail on Friday, hopefully I’ll be able to discuss it some time… watch this space.
Design Weekend was great, good number of people (more would have been better though, as always), excellent fun times, and God was there and talking to us, it was excellent. I loved the way He spread the burden for the unsaved as well as the vision for Cutting Edge… it was great to see the first and second years exposed to what CE’s about, because they’re gonna be the ones taking up the mantle in a few! In fact, that seems to be a big thing this year – I’m enjoying not so much the personal revelation at Converge/Design Weekendy things, but being with the people and seeing them catch It!
Oh, one thing well worthy of mention, I quoted from The Pursuit of God in my message on Life Groups. It was kinda chucked it slapdash, and it didn’t fit, but I felt I needed to share it. Hang on, I’ll grab it… (though most/many of you were there)
“Someone may fear that we are magnifying private religion out of all proportion, that the “us” of the New Testament is being displaced by a selfish “I”. Has it ever occurred to you that one hundred pianos all tuned to the same fork are automatically tuned to each other? They are of one accord by being tuned, not to each other, but to another standard to which each one must individually bow.
So one hundred worshippers meeting together, each one looking a ways to Christ, are in heart nearer to each other than they could possibly be were they to become “unity”-conscious and turn their eyes away from God to strive for closer fellowship. Social religion is perfected when private religion is purified. The body becomes stronger as its members become healthier. The whole church of God gains when the members that compose it begin to seek a better and happier life.”
That spoke to a few people, and to me it really sums up a lot of things, including Design Weekend. Personally, it’s hard to verbalise what I took from the time, but if I had to, I’d say I got deeper into God, and deeper into people. Which, hey, funny, has kinda been God’s theme for this year – Love Him, Love Others. Cool.
So, you may have noticed this blog’s been very… not ‘superficial’, what’s the term? I guess just not… angsty… no, that ain’t it. Self-analytical. That’s largely because I’ve been too busy to think – worry? – about that kinda stuff. Still, it’s part of my character to do that, so I feel like I’m missing out on personal growth somewhat by ignoring those things. But perhaps not. I guess I’m not so important to myself at the moment – not only are there assignments I need to do, but a lot of people have enough to worry about without my added stuff, so there’s not a huge point. And to those of you who are going through stuff at the moment – there’s three or four, and you know who you are – I deeply care about you, and want you all to know that you can call me even if I’ve said I’m busy.
It would be misleading to leave that there, I should note that I have been thinking of a few personal things that I’d be interested in discussing here, I just don’t think the time’s right. And for sanity’s sake I’ll say that I am looking after myself – not working to the point of exhaustion, nor ignoring my own interests to the extent of badness.
Yeah, pretty blasé blog, fair enough. I’m still tired and bruised from camp, and drained from study, but more accurately, I guess I’m just in a very average/neutral place – not a romantic/lively/joyful/exciting/creative/optimistic place, nor the flip-side. That is mostly from my 10 hours of essay writing, though. Hey, I’m peaceful (in some respects), though, and I’m achieving things. So that’s a plus.
Yawn – I might go to bed now. Via the prayer closet, natch. I’m worried that this blog is too flat, but oh well. I’m in a good place, I think. Can’t really tell, not too worried about that. Sooooo on that note – la – g’night!
Big thanks to all...
I skipped a class (Spanish) so I could write a thank you to my faithful readers, friends, supporters and prayer warriors. Actually, don't freak, I was skipping it anyway so I could spend more time working on other stuff. But yeah, I'm really grateful for all of you, who I won't list by name, but if you think I might mean you, I probably do. Heh.
Brief update while I'm here... I'm in a better God place, naturally. Abbey was right when she said that God melts us down to build us up again. And that's pretty much a law of pursuing God - if you want Him, it's gonna hurt a lot. And I'm all for getting the hard stuff outta the way first - that's why I eat my veges before my meat. True story. I've got a lot of unresolved stuff floating around, but I've given it to God, so it'll get worked through. But I'm in that sort of plateauy-recovery stage, post-meltdown but pre-build up. Which probably means I'm still going through stuff, but it's like the eye of the storm. Makes sense, considering what I'm thinking about, considering this is a time of learning to trust in God when life chaotically whizzes about you. Ahem, which, er, makes it sound a whole lot easier than it is.
Assignment/schedule-wise, well, I've had to say 'NO' to a few things, which was hard, but necessary. I've never got an extension for an essay/assignment, and I'm not planning on starting now, but I'm not too proud to ignore that option. I think I can get away without it. Focusing a lot on what I'm saying at Design Weekend (in 45 hours!), rather than my 25% assignment due on Tuesday, which currently consists of a title. Still, it'll get done, I believe in that. Might be a late late Monday. And I'm not even thinking about next week - yesterday I got a negative-extension (declension? Retraction? Severance?) on a project. That actually made me laugh.
Yes, I laugh in the face of stress. I embrace impossible challenges. I fight against the odds. I am such a ponce... I mean, a martyr. Tee hee hee. I'll say to close, however, that things are finally looking possible. And I'm looking at my plate, and I'm not worried. Que sera sera (which, Jeremy once told me, is stupidly tautological). My only fear is whether I'll keep relying on God for strength now that I have it... maybe I should take on more stuff.
That warrants a girly giggle.
Too busy not to pray...
Easier said than done. I just wanted to warn y'all that I doubt I'll be blogging until Monday. I started listing all the stuff I've got to do - and it's impressive - but yeah, that totally casts the wrong impression. Habakkuk 3:17-18 is a worthy quote. Point is, yeah, I'm busy. Yeah, I'm going through some stuff. Yeah, I'm "thinking" about next year (watching deadlines loom closer). Yeah, my relationship with God's decided to see exactly how strong my faith is. But, darn it, I'm a fighter, not a lover. Well, okay, um, I'm both. A loving fighter.
My point is... well, things are tough. I can't see them getting much easier or any less busy any time soon. But somehow I'm going to come through, and God's going to help me. So I'll leave you with that for a bit. I'm a bit gutted that I have to take a blog-break, but it was always gonna be the first to go. I'll be back, back with a vengence, so don't forget me. And who knows, I might get to blog sometime this week after all.
Praise the Lord!
*cough*
The Search
We have come to that wonderful place where our only desire is to do God's will. We have begun to view our time on earth with an eternal perspective and are now in the process of aligning our life with His desires. This is a significant step of maturity for any believer, but it can also be a time of great frustration. We truly desire to do the will of God, so we desperately (and often unceasingly) search for His will.
Before we were saved, we were controlled by a sinful nature. This nature manifested itself in a variety of ways; "sexual immorality, impurity and debauchery; idolatry and witchcraft; hatred, discord, jealousy, fits of rage, selfish ambition, dissensions, factions and envy; drunkenness, orgies, and the like" (Galatians 5:19-21).
Through the Spirit of Christ, we now have the power to break free from the control of the sinful nature. And, though most of the sinful nature is clearly out of character with a Christian walk, the sin which is often the hardest to recognize is that of selfish ambition. Even in our striving to live according to God's will, we continually battle the desire to achieve and accomplish.
The deception sounds so good and spiritual: "God, let me do something really great....for You! I'm ready to have a MAJOR impact in Your Kingdom." We look for God's will as if it's some sort of mountain to climb, and then we become frustrated when we never seem to arrive at the summit. But God's will is never a destination. His will is always a process - always found in the journey! His will is that we love Him, trust Him, and seek Him with all our heart.
Psalm 9:10 "Those who know Your name will trust in You, for You, Lord, have never forsaken those who seek You."
Anyone who earnestly searches for God's will has a strong desire to please Him. They love God with all their heart and are leaning on Him for guidance like never before. This love and trust mean more to God than anything we could ever accomplish. But God allows us to search, because the search is what brings us to His throne.
We must continue to seek His desire for our life and always be prepared to follow where He leads. But we must also strip back the layers of pride which require an achievement of something grand. We have found His perfect will when we walk in humble submission, with a thankful heart, and are actively involved in the search.
Steve Troxel, 03/09/04
God's Daily Word Ministries
http://www.gdwm.org
The Pursuit of God
By A.W. Tozer. Many of you will have read it, but those who haven't, you can find it here: http://calvarychapel.com/library/Tozer-AW/PursuitOfGod/0.htm
I've just read the preface and one chapter, but I'm already praising the Lord for the... the... the whatever that is contained within. This line from the introduction seems to well sum up the book - "I felt the nearness of God while reading (it)."
From the preface...
"In this hour of all-but-universal darkness one cheering gleam appears: within the fold of conservative Christianity there are to be found increasing numbers of persons whose religious lives are marked by a growing hunger after God Himself. They are eager for spiritual realities and will not be put off with words, nor will they be content with correct `interpretations' of truth...
It is a solemn thing, and no small scandal in the Kingdom, to see God's children starving while actually seated at the Father's table. The truth of Wesley's words is established before our eyes: `Orthodoxy, or right opinion, is, at best, a very slender part of religion. Though right tempers cannot subsist without right opinions,yet right opinions may subsist without right tempers. There may be a right opinion of God without either love or one right temper toward Him. Satan is proof of this.'
Thanks to our splendid Bible societies and to other effective agencies for the dissemination of the Word, there are today many millions of people who hold `right opinions,' probably more than ever before in the history of the Church.Yet I wonder if there was ever a time when true spiritual worship was ever a time when true spiritual worship was at a lower ebb...
The Bible is not an end in itself, but a means to bring men to an intimate and satisfying knowledge of God, that they may enter into Him, that they may delight in His Presence, may taste and know the inner sweetness of the very God Himself in the core and center of their hearts. "
I'm tempted to quote much more, but I don't want to drown anyone. But I was tremendously encouraged - and not without a little pride - to read that John Wesley (Charles?) thought the same as I am coming to realise. Which, all in all, only means that we have the same teacher - it's not of me.
At a time when I'm contemplating my own dissatisfaction at the amount of fruit I bear (which may, in fact, be the case for the majority of my life), the encouragement - and everpresent revelations that I'm trying too hard in my own strength - from seeing that it really is about faith and grace, not works... a heart for God over all works or deeds... well, it's encouraging. Heh.
Perhaps that's something I need to put to work in my future-directed thoughts. Perhaps my aspirations, my expectations, my pride in my own ability... perhaps they need to be put to death, perhaps my thoughts that a certain career is too small for me is in essence a rejection of God's power and plan. This is jumbled, I know. I've always said one of my main problems is accepting that my potential will not be wasted - which is questioning God's ability to use what He's created. These are all good thoughts, these ones I'm thinking now.
As I sometimes tend to do in my written word, I'm tempted to go wide with my thoughts, rather than deeper; think of applications, worry about "what if...", rather than reinforce the truth I'm arriving at. So I'm fighting that. As a sidenote.
And now I've lost this train of thought. I might publish and meditate for a bit.
Time-travelling...
Last week finally seemed like a week that went at the proper speed, but now... now the holidays are already half over! I suppose it doesn't help having the whole weekend camp on a Sunday night and a Monday day, and having your flatmate (Dave P.) leave today, rather than at the beginning of the holidays. And, er, not getting much done. That doesn't help matters. :-)
So I haven't had any interesting thought about my last blog topic yet, haven't thought about it at all, really. But I will. Possibly a lot. As ever (this semester), my mind is filled with things on my to do list... possibly the most looming being Design Weekend in 10 days time. I'm co-'in charge' of the teaching - of which there is a lot. And I'm speaking for 45 minutes. Luckily the topic is "life groups", which I know, but wow. 45 minutes is a daunting amount of time to be speaking on something for, especially something that I can't really look up in a Concordance. I haven't tried to start writing it yet, but I should. Maybe I could fill some time with some kinda non-speaking activity...
It would be wrong of me to not reply to those well thought-out comments from my last post, for which I am really really grateful. Gail, you never fail to encourage me. 'Refining' is definitely a word I'd use to describe my relationship with God - if I may quote Mr. Bowie, "every time I thought I'd got it made, it seemed the taste was not so sweet." I think you're right that I should keep those high expectations, too. I think the biggest benefit from this revelation - which is actually a really big one for me - is an understanding of why I (re)act the way I do. I also got from your comment that my high expectations could be used to deepen my faith in times of apparent failure, rather than increasing my doubt. That's good, that's real good. Thanks a lot! Oh, and I'd love to hear the "mover and shaker story"... :-) (Thanks, Aunt D.!)
Becs - yeah, maybe law isn't for me. Maybe it is. Maybe my definition of lawyer is all skewiff. I'm investigating, that's for sure! Good call about the fluff-filtering. I'm not 100% sure that doing stuff without God (my definition, anyway - without His present assistance) isn't possible. I guess I believe God can/wants to play a more direct role in our lives than simply giving us abilities and sitting back and watching us go. Whether that role is direction, opportunity, or empowering... or whatever. But thanks for your input!
1 am. Yikes. I work better at night, maybe I should stop pressuring myself to get up early, and work a little later this holidays. At least, now that Dave's not in the next room trying to sleep through my keyboard clackings.
Oh, an FYI for those who are interested: I applied to do my Professionals course next year, either in May or in September. Doesn't mean I have to do it, but it's good to have that option. Thankfully my parents are paying the (non-refundable) application fee, so there's no stress there.
Also, if anyone's keen, visit this dude's website: http://christianteenswithquestions.blogspot.com/ . The title says it all - he asks big questions. I'd be keen to visit it and respond regularly, but it's quite a burden to answer those kinda things every day. But if anyone has more guts than I, go ahead! Or just have a goosey.
Once More with Feeling, the Buffy Musical, re-ran tonight. That brought back some memories; Jeremy and I had a big reminisce. That was a good show.
Aaannnddd... I have nothing more to say! Sam go bye-byes.