I’m not sure if this is the third or the forth time in a row
…that I’ve looked at my watch/clock and seen both hands overlapping at 12 midnight. Scary. But for once, I’m not trying to sleep. I’m going to do my best not to be complaining when I say this, but I have been sleeping terribly over the past… well, I don’t know how long. Definitely over the past week, probably even longer. And I hate taking pills, but they’re the only thing that seems to work. Not that they always do.
So I’m not sure what to do. I’ve prayed about it a lot, tried various do’s and don’ts (“Do a little exercise throughout the day, don’t drink anything caffeinated or sugary after 5pm, do some light mindless reading before bed, don’t plan tomorrow in bed…” etc), tried the mildly sedative “Calm-Us”… I’m seriously contemplating seeing a doctor about it again.
Not really because it’s annoying; I could cope with that. But over Summer I’m going to need to get to bed – get to sleep – before 1 or 2am (probably before 11pm) and get up at around 6am. Plus I’ll be sleeping in the same room as Dave, which makes it harder for me to fall asleep. So I’d appreciate your prayers for that matter, because it does bother me. I’ll bring it up when I call Nurse Mum tomorrow.
So, aside from that rant (sorry, I do try to avoid complaining/angsting or anything similar, both here and in Real Life), things are going great. Another pretty poor study day, I confess, but that’s cool. Two in a row… I will study harder tomorrow. And that’s not an empty self-assurance. Had my last life group of the year tonight, we went out for dinner (Korean) and rented a movie (“City of Ghosts”, not a great film), had a good time. My guys rock.
Things are getting a little bit boring down here, I suppose – which, if you know me, you’ll know is a state I don’t like to be in. The very idea that I could be bored gets me uneasy, given how much there is to do, so many people to see, etc. Perhaps I’ve been studying too much, perhaps I’m not studying enough. Perhaps I’m not socializing enough – at least, not socializing with some people enough. Maybe I spend too much time with my flatmates, because – y’know – they’re here. There’s a thought.
Maybe tomorrow I’ll invite myself somewhere.
Maybe tomorrow I’ll be on your doorstep.
Because that’s the kind of crazy guy I am.
Square-handed shivering kings, abiding with a troublesome young man on a stairway to heaven.
Sitting here in front of my computer, listening to Huey Lewis and the News sing “Hip to be Square.” Which is now turning into Nick Cave and the Bad Seeds singing “Right out of Your Hand”. Good ol’ random play. But I’m having real trouble studying today. I’m in a doing mood. Which is odd, because the last 10 days or so I’ve been studying really well, and hard. Now I’m having trouble focusing. I think it’s partly cos I’m in a good mood, and partly because I’ve reached the point of no return (which stirs Back to the Future memories) – where I’ve studied enough to pass, so I can’t be bothered to study any more.
Well, at least, for the first three exams (Tues, Thurs, Fri). But I will get to more studying, I mean, I’ve got four whole days to go, might as well! It probably doesn’t help that some people have finished exams all ready. That’s enough of talking about that subject. Pun not intended. You know, with the word ‘subject’. Stop groaning.
So, what’s up? Last few days I’ve spent the mornings doing productive odd-jobs in town and at Uni, it felt good to a) get out of the house, and b) do something that I can cross off my list! Bought some nice shorts, too. Not sure if I’ll get to wear them down here! Heh, sure I will. Now we’ve got Coldplay’s “Shivers” on, ironically. You now, because I was making a reference to the cold weather down here. Stop groaning.
Been to 1PM both today (well, half of it) and yesterday, which is pretty good for me. Good on me. Well done, me. Also had a chat with Associate Pastor Andrew Smith down at church. We talked for a good hour about a few things; basically about my dissatisfaction with my relationship with God, and my worries about next year. What did he say? Hmm, I should write this down, or I’ll forget it.
Well, I could certainly tell he used to be a social worker, I’ll tell you that! We basically reached the conclusion that I had high expectations about badly-defined things, and that was frustrating me. Like over last Summer – what was the “perfect job” I was waiting for? And next year, or the future, what do I want?
Newsboys “You Are My King (Amazing Love).”
His advice on the future-thing was that I have to make a choice, I can’t just wait for it to pop up. Pray about it, but write down what you want to do/be and make a decision. Which was fair enough. It was encouraging that he related how he had gone through similar stages of indecision, it made his advice seem more real. I’m leaning more and more toward the “law” decision, but I’m not ready to settle on it yet. Oh yeah, I accept the May-September Legal Professionals Course.
Vic Reeves’ club-style version of “Abide With Me.”
And as for my relationship with God, we didn’t really come to a conclusion as to the “why”, or anything. We decided that a lot of my problems with my Quiet Times are that they’re too structured… sort of. Maybe I shouldn’t force myself to do it every morning, just do it when I feel like it, so long as I do it every day. I’m not quite sure if we reached a solution, actually, but I was encouraged. Andy said he felt that I need to keep persevering, that it would help.
Led Zeppelin “Stairway to Heaven”.
So, it was helpful and encouraging. Which is nice.
Eric Clapton “Man in Love”.
Yeah, it took me seven minutes to write that one line. Sue me. No wait, don’t! Hehe. Sorry, I’m just not sure what to write. I’m a bit bored, and not in the mood to study.
:Coldplay “Trouble”
Okay, I’m not really slow at typing, I’m just multitasking. Hehe. All right, postage, postage time.
Keepin’ it real,
Sam
P.S. Rich Mullins' "Growing Young"
Labour Day
Does anyone actually know what it means? Is it celebrating a particular political party, the lengthy and painful childbearing process, or comparatively low unemployment? I must find out. All I know is that it’s the same day as me Mum’s birthday, so I bought her some slightly-funky (funky would be a little extreme for her fashion sense) earrings. So what does Google tell us about Labour Day (or is it Labor Day?)?
Hmm… that’s interesting, the US celebrates it almost two months earlier than we do… ah, howstuffworks.com will help me! Howstuffworks.com is my friend!
“You haven’t got any friends! Nobody likes you!”
“Master likes us!”
Sorry, sorry. Where was I? “Labor Day is a day set aside to pay tribute to working men and women. It has been celebrated as a national holiday in the United States and Canada since 1894. Labor unions themselves celebrated the first labor days in the United States. Historians credit Peter McGuire, a leader of the carpenters union, with the original idea of a day for workers to show their solidarity. The first Labor Day parade occurred Sept. 5, 1882, in New York City. The workers' unions chose the first Monday in September because it was halfway between Independence Day and Thanksgiving…
In European countries, China and other parts of the world, May Day, the first day in May, is a holiday to celebrate workers and labor unions. Before it became an international workers holiday, May Day was a celebration of spring and the promise of summer.”
Well, that’s interesting, I never knew that. Hands up who did? Go on, put up your hands. Chickens.
All right, so that was the introduction-section of today’s blog, which, in order to imitate the spice of life, will not focus on my struggles, nor on my fears nor doubts, nor on the highly negative exam period (actually, I’m quite enjoying it, but saying that would destroy the image I’m trying to create), nor on the disastrous, tragic event of beloved friends leaving me, and will instead endeavor to create the most psychedelic run-on sentence that this world has EVER SEEN!!!
Did you like that? I think studying’s made me go insane. Nah, not at all, but it would be interesting to investigate exactly why intensive studying does create a tendency for weird behavior and thoughts. Probably some kind of cathartic thing. See, I’m still a Psyc major at heart. But what worries me is that I’m apparently enjoying studying two of my law papers – Sentencing and Evidence. Which are both barrister/court-room lawyer type papers. Actually, more specifically, they’re both judge-y type papers. I’m keeping a look-out for further developments in this area.
So I’ve changed my comments things again. I wouldn’t normally comment on it, but the fact is that I don’t expect anyone to understand what it says when I have zero comments (except perhaps my flatmate, “My Gus Iz Pastede On Yay!”, because he introduced me to MetaFilter) – but rest assured that I haven’t lost it, I am only attempting to further spread a meme. And if you don’t know what a meme is, well, I’d struggle to explain it. But google it, it’s quite interesting. The badger thing was a meme. As is the infamous Star-Wars-Kid.
That’s enough pretending-I’m-internet-savvy for me!
I have to allude to my previous post in order to respond to some comments, so apologies for those who wanted a 100% wacky blog today… firstly, thanks heaps for all the love you guys showed and show! Really appreciated. That’s one thing that I still marvel at, the love expressed between members of God’s family. Oh yeah, we’ve still got a ways to go, but it’s still mind-boggling. I was surprised to read that people found what I said to be inspirational, but I guess I can understand it. I wasn’t trying to be inspirational, is the thing, just honest. And it helped. I’m strongly considering a chat with one of our pastors this week, FYI, although I’m not sure I need it – but better safe than sorry.
Oh yeah, although I’m sure most of you have seen it, check Abbey’s blog for a very amusing photo.
Or have I said that already?
Someone complained a while back about my excessive use of paragraphs. I can’t remember who it was, but in a way I’m trying to cut back on that. To some extent. But some sentences need their own line. So tough bikkies. :-)
In three weeks’ time, my blogging will probably be reduced to once a week, if that. And my blog-reading will suddenly be shrink-wrapped. Of course, I say that now, but I’ve managed to survive it before. So we’ll see. Let’s not look that far ahead, who brought that up?
Oh yeah, our Barbecue, I should say something about that. We had an inter-flat BBQ yesterday, in order to get to know our neigbours better. Only one showed up, unfortunately. Still, after a few phonecalls, we had enough people to share our meat with. It was a good event. I had to leave a little early to have a nap and a study, but it was all good.
Here’s a note from the too-much-information department: when I’m studying, I drink MANY litres of water. And too much coffee. One day I'll count how many times (and how often) it happens in that day. So if you ever wonder why I’m going to the bathroom every 20 minutes, it’s probably because I’ve been studying.
Or because I shouldn’t have eaten that re-heated chicken.
This has been a very, very odd day.
Where do I begin?
“Had my second job interview for the yellow-jacket/ITS/Tutor/Supervisor job yesterday (I really need to decide on one of those). It went really well. Let’s just say that if I don’t get the job, it’s definitely because of God. But I feel strangely assured that He wants me to get it… I’ll know for sure next Thursday. I’m not sure whether it’s because it’s a hard-to-get job, or because it’s something tangible I can see next year, but I’m really starting to want that job. Which is strange.” (Me, Thursday 14th October)
“Oh yeah, I find out tomorrow about the ITS job. Please pray, and watch this space!” (Me, Wednesday 20th October)
I didn’t get it.
Yeah, I’m surprised. To say the least. I was quite shocked when I found out yesterday. I was confident that it was going to happen; I believed it was God’s will; I know I did really well in the interviews. Everyone I know who I’ve asked has got the job. I was told by an unnamed source that they didn’t want to hire guys this year, but the reason doesn’t bother me. I don’t take it personally.
But it was another story trying to deal with God. The first thing that came to my head was me saying “if I don’t get the job, it’s definitely because of God” a week before. And I remember thinking about writing that back then, feeling strangely aware that this could be an important sentence. I’m glad I did, or I would have doubted a lot of things. But the worst part was, I got flashbacks to Summer.
A recap: this Summer wasn’t bad, per se, just…
Because before I applied for this job, I was confident that something good would pop up for next year – I trusted in God. Then when I applied for this job, I got into it. I felt it would be mine, I thought this was the “opportunity”. But now I feel like the rug’s been pulled out from under me, a rug that I felt guided to stand on. Which does not seem fair.
So I went to bed last night having not been able to study much at all (which worried me a little, but not heaps) and having seen a movie to calm me down (Collateral). I got to bed around 11:30. I got to sleep at around 6. I woke up at around 7. Surprisingly, although I hadn’t thought about it at all, I felt the time being awake had done a lot of healing, although I knew I would feel like poo on a pole for the rest of the day. Today.
8:15, down to A Budgie Called Harry for Abbey’s breakfast un-birthday, which was really good. I really enjoyed it, even though I was feeling a little vulnerable to the friendly jibes thrown my way. My own fault. Then I hung out with Abbey for a couple of hours, and we had a great time. Abs, you’re one of the coolest chicks I know, so fun to be with! We went browsing for glasses (see her blog) and hats and stuff. I bought a $5 hat from Farmers which I’m going to have to work myself up (down?) into wearing…
Came home, had lunch. Tried to study, tried to pray. Had to nap. Got another hour in, which was pretty good, but I was feeling grotty as. Grotty as what? I’m not sure. A grot-monster. Anyways, after that I realised I hadn’t had my quiet time – then I remembered that I was mad at God.
Things got worse. For about an hour I was at one of my all-time spiritual lows when I was all “God, I’m not doubting you’re there, I’m just doubting you care.” I felt so unloved by God, and I haven’t exactly been feeling that a lot of late, either. Strangely, I kept thinking of the verse “Whom the Father loves, He chastens.” Which made me angry. I told God to stop bloody loving me, knowing it was futile. I was crying out to Him, and I couldn’t feel/hear any response. I told Jesus “Lord, if there’s any time I’ve needed You, it’s NOW. Why are you so far away when I need you? That makes no sense!” I got to the point when I no longer expected an answer, where it was natural for me to rage until I was spent.
But then I stopped, suddenly. I can’t remember what I was thinking, but I realised that if God was going to answer me – although He plainly wasn’t – then I wasn’t going about it the right way. So I got down on my knees again (although I was sure it was a waste of time) and asked forgiveness. Then I named all the feelings I felt and gave them to Him, and told Him that I was trying to, and willing to, believe all this (including the job thing) was for the best (Romans 8:28). I gave Him control.
Funnily enough, it worked. I was really surprised, but the rest of my day was great. I was happy (which shocked me), I could study well, I wasn’t afraid of the future. I won both games of Risk through my mad skills (sorry guys, had to throw that in :-) ). I had a good night. This surprises me still because I was so sure that God wasn’t going to supernaturally calm/heal/comfort me. But darned if He didn’t!
Worth mentioning – the song running through my head for most of today has been Eric Clapton’s Running on Faith:
“Baby I’ve been running on faith,
What more can a poor boy do?”
So, where am I at? Jobless, really tired (though thankfully tomorrow’s Missions breakfast meeting is now a lunch meeting), strangely peaceful and a little bemused. I’ve gone from being tired and ignoring a problem, to being angry and in very bad spiritual condition (or is that perhaps the best spiritual condition?), to being content. The previous blog I’m just posting now, the God’s Daily Word quote, I received this yesterday and saved it, knowing it would be relevant.
And where to from here? Good question. I’m still a little miffed that I have to go back to being ignorant about next year. I’m wary that I could fall into comparing it with Summer very easily. I’m also acutely aware of all the little jobs available next year that I overlooked, believing I’d get this one. I’m kind of tired of worrying/thinking about it, to be honest. It’s going to be a challenge leaving it in God’s hands, especially now that a job dealing with students (one of the main reasons I wanted to return to Dunedin next year) seems unlikely.
So in all honesty, it’s not all roses. On the other hand, God has been good and faithful in working me through this, and I can only rely on that faithfulness to keep carrying me through. Which will be sufficient for me.
God bless you all, congratulations to all those who did get the job (I’m truly not bitter!), and best of luck/blessings with your exams!
Learn How to Fall
When my daughter was just beginning to ride her bike she discovered an all-important truth. After a particularly difficult afternoon she came inside and said; "Daddy, you know the hardest part about riding a bike? It's learning how to fall!" At five years of age she had discovered that falling was an inevitable part of the riding experience; but to have a "successful" experience, she needed to learn how to fall without causing damage to her body.
When we follow the call of God and step into the great unknown, we are ALWAYS successful because success is defined as being obedient to His call - regardless of the physical results of following. We must never evaluate our walk with the Lord based on the success or failure criteria of the world, but on a faith which is lived out each day through trust and obedience.
When John the Baptist was in prison he sent his disciples to ask Jesus, "Are you the one who was to come, or should we expect someone else?" (Matthew 11:3). This question points to some great turmoil going on with John. John preached a message of repentance to "Prepare the way of the Lord" (Luke 3:4), and he said of Jesus; "But one more powerful than I will come, the thongs of whose sandals I am not worthy to untie" (Luke 3:16). And when John baptized Jesus, he heard a voice from Heaven say, "This is My Son, whom I love; with Him I am well pleased" (Matthew 3:17). But now while in jail, John needed to ask: "Are You really the One?"
Matthew 11:4-6
"Jesus replied, 'Go back and report to John what you hear and see: The blind receive sight, the lame walk, those who have leprosy are cured, the deaf hear, the dead are raised, and the good news is preached to the poor. Blessed is the man who does not fall away on account of Me.'"
The first part of this reply is what we expect. Jesus is saying, "Of course I'm the One! Don't you see the evidence?" But then Jesus answers John's real question with "Blessed is the man who does not fall away on account of Me." John was doubting because he had "fallen" into jail for following Christ. Was it possible that John would experience such hardship if Jesus was really the Christ?
Our walk with Christ is never promised to be easy - it's promised to be eternal! We are never promised success in the eyes of the world - we are promised the true success of peace and contentment now and eternal glory in Heaven! His plans and purposes are perfect and will most surely include aspects which we cannot understand - include times when we appear to fall. These are times when we must fall without falling away. In falling we must fall closer to Jesus and trust Him more. We can have success even in apparent failure, but we must first learn how to fall.
Steve Troxel
God's Daily Word Ministries (http://www.gdwm.org)
Blogligation
A neologism (lit. “new word”) referring to the moral pressure to satiate a blogger’s audience’s desire for regular posts felt by those who write blogs that have a regular readership. Of course, blogligation is not an effective influence on those of us who apparently don’t have a sense of morality (*cough* Bing *cough* :-) ).
Wassup, gang? Man, it’s sunny. I’m heading to 1PM (1 o’clock prayer, for those who haven’t seen it mentioned here for a while :-( ) shortly, and I’m considering the need to put on sunscreen… cos I know nobody else will want to pray in the shade. Heh. I’m making an effort to go to 1PM this exam period… largely because it’s going to be very different next year (e.g. no Abbey) and I may not even be able to make any, depending on my plans. Oh yeah, I find out tomorrow about the ITS job. Please pray, and watch this space!
Where was I? Oh yeah, making an effort to get to 1PMs. I find (apparently I’m not alone) that mornings are really bad for studying… for example, this morning I woke at 8:30, went through my morning routine (breakfast, showering, checking e-mails and blogs) and was ready to study at 10. Then I remembered to have my quiet time. But it was an incredibly frustrating quiet time again (unlike yesterday, and Saturday… what is this, yo-yo prayer? See-saw prayer?), and I’m fighting the temptation to count that as a wasted hour. Or, actually, 40 minutes. I reckon. But I'm still fighting. Then I had to do a couple of other things, and bang! It’s already 12, and I’m finishing my lunch. Not really much time to study before 1PM!
1PM, of course, will finish at 2PM, after which time I’ll pick up an assignment (maybe check my Spanish internal mark), and then go get my jabs for Chile (Chile, Chile). And I have to wait for 30 minutes after those jabs, so I can be “observed”. So I’ll get home around 3:30, which will give me 2 hours of study (in theory) until our early dinner – have to be at church at 6:30! So a day’s study (of, incidentally, my hardest paper – Evidence law, with – let me count – 1015 A4 pages of reading. Wow!) is reduced to 2 hours. I ain’t complaining, but it’s interesting.
1015 pages… that’s really quite a lot. I just realized that. Man. Thankfully that exams near the end of my exam period (on the 11th day of Hellmas – which, I should add, doesn’t actually start until the 2nd of November), which will help. It’s the one I’ll need the most prayer for, I’ll tell you that!
Looks like the first 58 Royal Terrace BBQ will be taking place at midday this Sunday, hopefully it’s fine weather. And hopefully the other flats want to come. And hopefully we can get a BBQ. Should be fun, though, it’ll be good to talk to the other flats.
What else, what else… I’m going to need to go shopping in the next week or so, I’d love some company! Need to buy some cheap shades, perhaps some shoes (or should I wait until Feb for that? Maybe some jandals…), some t-shirts/shirts, and a hat. Abbey wants me to get some proper glasses, so I can see properly… I’m not sure I want to do that any more. Well, I suppose it’ll at least be fun to look. Pun definately not intended.
Collateral, with Tommy Cruise, comes out tomorrow. It’s had good reviews all around, so I’m looking forward to seeing it. Maybe tomorrow night, actually. We’ll see. Will we? Yes, yes we will.
Finally, check out this site. It’s a laugh. I ended up trying to zap everything but the cows, which I managed to do quite well. Also, this is amusing. Both are from Phil Baker’s site.
Now it's time for me to make like a person struggling with a gambling addiction and split.
Sorry. :-)
What a crazy experiment…
My invisi-blog got 10 comments, my non-blog got 7… which was the point, actually. Mel suggested to me that since shorter posts got more comments, a non-post should get quite a few. And it did. You guys are so predictable. :-) The invisible one was kinda random, I just felt like seeing how many people would get it. You did well.
Aunt Donnave, you get a special mention. Very cool comments. I do feel encouraged by what you said about friendships – I believe ours will last too.
And for Gail’s sake, yeah, I got a haircut. Becs cut it for me – pretty much a number 2 all over. I can’t decide whether I look more ‘army’ or ‘football hooligan’. Either way, it’s a little different to usual. Because of Abbey’s begging, I won’t be dying it brown just yet. Maybe next year.
Mmm, and Ruth, yeah, thanks for the photos! The nicer one is placed up on my wall… right by my mirror! I’ll look at it every morning and pretend you’re blogging. :-/
So, what’s new in La Vida Loca de Sam? Not too much… haven’t really started studying yet. Will get to that. Got some things to do this week, shopping for things, working on more Oscars DVDS/tapes, seeing WINZ (at 8:30am!!!), getting jabs for Chile… I’ll try and balance that with studying. And fun/socializing. I’m gonna make time for that this time. Ti-i-i-ime, is on my side… yesitis! Got a letter from Legal Profs, accepting me for the second intake in May… got to decide by November 1, which I’m leaving until the last moment. I feel like it’s probably what I’ll end up doing, but I still want to leave that open ‘in case’.
Otherwise… well, I’m feeling better about people leaving. I think I just needed to deal with the sadness of it, rather than bottle it up. So talking with a few people (and this blog) helped, as did seeing other people acknowledge it. As for my God-issue… well, I was planning on getting prayer after church today, but it was kind of a half-hearted “if you need prayer for something” call. Not that that would have stopped me, if I hadn’t been caught in a conversation. But additionally, I had a pretty darn good prayer time on Saturday, so I’m not sure. I might play it out a bit more, go in during the week if I need. I kinda made a vow, actually, with God. Told Him that no matter how hard it was to get through to Him, I’m going to fight my way in. And I wouldn’t give up. That’s always been how it is for me, but it was good to tell Him that.
Nothing else. I mean, I’ve had some cool, fun times with people, done stuff, but nothing I can be bothered talking about. Life’s pretty good… yeah, yeah it is. I’ve been having the odd down patch, but they’re definitely the exception. Nice.
P.S. Why would you bomb 5 churches? Blasts rock 5 Christian churches in Iraq.”
Last… lecture… ever???
Probably, yes. I know most of you don’t understand, but it’s quite crazy having no more lectures. Knowing I’ll be finished at University in 30 days. Knowing that I won’t get a student discount at Rialto next year, or that I can’t get Student rates at a bank. Or that I can’t say “I study law and psychology.” It’s been 5 years, which is… well, a little under a quarter of my life.
And a lot has changed.
Actually, I want to write about how stink I feel that people are leaving, but no-one seems to want to talk about it. I think I’m coping quite well with it, but I’m not sure, because… well, I’m just not. Yeah, that’s all I need to say about that.
Had my second job interview for the yellow-jacket/ITS/Tutor/Supervisor job yesterday (I really need to decide on one of those). It went really well. Let’s just say that if I don’t get the job, it’s definitely because of God. But I feel strangely assured that He wants me to get it… I’ll know for sure next Thursday. I’m not sure whether it’s because it’s a hard-to-get job, or because it’s something tangible I can see next year, but I’m really starting to want that job. Which is strange.
I’ve been trying to write a letter to my Mission team this week, but I can never think what to write. Yeah, I guess it’s writer’s block, which is weird. And I’m just not in a writing mood at all.
I’ve been good, though. Lovely weather has been nice (it was 38 degrees C somewhere in NZ today!), haven’t been busy but haven’t been too quiet. Not looking forward to post-exams, oddly… actually, that’s not too surprising. I’m sure I’ll enjoy it while I’m there. But it’s a bit of a… melancholic thing, I guess. Bemoaning the past and hoping to avoid the future. Reckon I need to snap out of that.
“I can’t believe he’s gone. I can’t believe you’re going. I can’t believe this family must die.”
Wooo, that was a bad thing to quote. Whups. Still, can’t fault me for being honest. Right? Right? That writer’s block thing is still effecting me, you might have noticed. So I might leave it here, and prepare to go to the movies. “Anchorman: the Legend of Ron Burgundy”, I’ll have you know. Mmm.
But maybe… just maybe… there’ll be another blog sooner than you expect it… muhuhuhuhuhuhuhuhahahahahaha!
You know I don’t intend on writing a long blog when...
I actually write it in my web-browser (where I could accidentally wipe it) rather than Word. Althought, it could always turn out to be a long blog, I just don't intend for it to be. I'm kinda blogging, really, to give a brief update and satiate my hungry readers. So they don't leave.
It's almost 5pm, which is when... well, I won't say, in case it doesn't happen, for some reason. But you'll see. Shame I can't be *there*, cos I need to cook dinner tonight. Which I'll do in a minute.
"I ain't gonna work on Maggie's Farm no more" is currently playing in the background.
Well I tried my best to be just like I am,
But everybody wants you to be just like them,
They say "Sing while you slave," but I just get bored...
Good stuff. Tempted to see a movie tonight, thinking of popular methods of public entertainment (okay, tenuous link, my bad). But I should porbbaly study for my oral exam tomorrow. Got my Pinochet assignment in today, yaysers. Hasn't sunk it yet, y'know, that it's my last. Ever. Maybe.
In more excting news, I got called back for the second interview for the yellow-jacket ITS job today, which was pretty nice. Probably do that on Wednesday. I was quietly confident that I would get in to that stage, but all glory to God, anyways. It wasn't guaranteed.
Pretty difficult quiet time today (been better since lsat Tuesday), not sure why. Maybe it was the room I was in (in Clubs and Socs - the upstairs exercise room. Anyone who says I probably got distracted by the full-length mirror wall... well, yeah, okay, maybe a little. Heh.). Oh well. Anyways, I did get something interesting, something that Becs' blog reminded me of.
John 15:12-13 -
This is my commandment, That ye love one another, as I have loved you. Greater love hath no man than this, that a man lay down his life for his friends.
Which everybody knows. Well, okay, not everybody. heh, not nearly everybody. But a lot of you readers. Anyways, I was wondering why God pointed this out to me, when it clicked. I usually consider the second part of this to be literally dying for our friends, something we'll probably never have to do. But then I realised that we always talk about dying to self, and crucifying our flesh, and I realised it's the same thing. We're called to live a life of complete selflessness, always putting others before ourselves. Which fits in, but I guess I never realised that that was "love", I thought it was "service". Very interesting (for me, anyways).
So that was my day. well, okay, 5 minutes of it. But I can't think of anything else that needs saying. I'm finding that now that I've got time to myself, I don't know what to do with it, but that was almost expected. I've got a long 'to do' list, but thankfully the only thing Uni-related after my oral exam is studying for proper exams.
And so ends the 6 weeks from hell known as Term 4. It was harder than I thought it would be, to be honest. I'm really surprised that I could get through so much. Only by God's grace, I really believe. I've never been in a stage like this before, it's quite... cool, I guess, that I got to experience it.
Next up, 3 weeks of relaxing/studying and then my 12 Days of Hellmas known as "exam time". But I exaggerate.
A little. :-)
Answers to questions asked…
Mmm. How on earth do you start a blog like this? I’d love to start with a trumpet of victory, singing that “the battle’s done and we kind of won…” (nod to J there). But I’m beginning to understand (or perhaps more accurately, perceive) the subtleness of God-victories. I’m referring to the last blog, by the way. The issues - most of them – haven’t necessarily been resolved, but I have a greater understanding of their purpose and cause.
Okay, let’s not beat around the bush, but let’s get into specifics. First up, full glory to God for taking me through this time (don’t get me wrong, I’m still going through it). I’m not sure whether He caused it, or whether I caused it and He made it good. But I can see myself getting stronger from this; getting closer. Which, all in all, is the point. In one sense, I know that life (probably not just my life) needs its downs so that we can be brought up again.
I thought we weren’t going to beat around the bush??? Sorry about that.
Where does that phrase come from, anyways? It’s bound to be some sort of hunting term, I guess. Beating around the bush, rather than in it, to… I dunno, have some effect on the animal/bird within? So it doesn’t try to escape?
Maybe it’s political. :-)
Here we go: “This was not a slogan from the Gore presidential campaign. This phrase is from the ancient sport of batfowling – hunting roosting birds at night, with a light to distract them and a bat to bop them. Sometimes the bat was used to beat around the bush to scare the birds out. But people unfamiliar with batfowling sometimes assumed you were supposed to beat the bush itself – which completely missed the point!”
Man I’m good.
All right, onto it. The way I see it, the events/issues discussed in my last blog can be categorised (groan) into two groups – the general, and the specific. Let’s start with the specific – what’s going on right now. There were three issues here that God revealed to me last night, partly through an awesome prayer Bible-reading time and partly through a very helpful talk with the Bingster. Without further ado, it seems:
1. My busy-ness this past month or so has kept me from maintaining a healthy, God-centred, spiritual life.
2. My Bible-reading, although quantitatively adequate and well-disciplined, has become dead and habitual.
3. My prayer times have become painful due to both of the above, but mainly due to my struggles with intercession.
Now, let me elaborate on each of these points in detail, and explain how they were revealed to me, and what my plans are for acting on these points. As a side note, no apologies for how I’m structuring this blog! This makes it easier for me to write, hopefully easier (though perhaps a little over-structured) to read, and I’m still in essay-writing mode (of which I should mention – not only am I already half-way, but I got a weekend extension and I’m really happy/proud with the way it looks at the moment!).
My problem with 1. both exacerbated and was exacerbated by (that means ‘made worse') the other points. It’s not so much that I didn’t try to keep Jesus first et cetera, but it just didn’t work. I suppose it’s like what Gerald prophesied at church on Sunday, that I have tacked God onto my life as an extra, rather than having Him at the centre. Not that that hit me then, I was too busy being encouraged by the other message about Luke 11:5 – persistence in seeking. This, however, we will discuss under the “general” heading.
So yeah, not enough of a God-focus. This was revealed to me when God told me to read Joshua 8, about Josh’s 2nd attack on Ai. The first, you may know, failed because Josh did it without consulting God, assuming that the normal formula would work. And because one of his men disobeyed God, but I don’t think that was quite relevant. But the 2nd time it went swimmingly, because God was there. And I felt God saying that yeah, first time you stuffed up by doing it without me. But this time…
I had a slight issue with this. I couldn’t identify where I’d stuffed up, or how I could have done it better. I don’t think I’d do anything different the second time around. But as Bing pointed out, maybe it was something that I needed to experience, and it wasn’t necessarily something that could have been avoided. Which I accept.
Onto number 2 – yeah, this is getting long. But God told me (and when I say this, it’s odd, because I usually feel that he doesn’t talk to me…) to read another chapter (6, I think) of the Pursuit of God (see previous blogs). This was all about the Bible and how it worked, and how it was living and how we should treat it. And I suppose I’ve been treating it like a book, and even – at times – doubting its truth. Or if not doubting it, at least struggling with the concept that it contained objective, discernable truth. Which I’m still working on – surely there wouldn’t be so much dissent about God’s will if it were accurately discernable? But I’m beginning to see it differently – again.
Thanks heaps to Gail’s e-mail on this point. At first I thought it wasn’t really relevant to what I was going through, but God certainly sparked something in me through that. Love you!
Number 3 (I could talk in so much more detail about all these points, it would make a great book. But you wouldn’t want to read it. And the longer a post is, the less comments it gets. Hehe.) was more of a practical thing. I have way too many people that I have a responsibility to pray daily for; and as a consequence, I never do. Bing and I came to the conclusion that part of this was because I didn’t know what to pray for for all of these people, as well. So I’m still not too sure what to do about this – perhaps it is a burden I must bear, or perhaps I can lump people into ‘prayer-groups’ or something. Would appreciate comments on this.
So those are the specifics. You can probably see how they all intertwine and stuff. I guess the main thing was that because of my busy-ness, I got lax. And with Christianity, you don’t get to get lax. Not in that sense. Like I wrote under number 1, I’m not sure how I can work on these, other than recognising that these are things that happen when I lose focus or whatever. Maybe that’s enough.
The general point is this: I think my time as a Christian up til now, and presumably for some time in the future, has been harder than it ‘should’ be. And I believe that this is a spiritual thing that God is allowing. Also, it’s kinda something I pray for: every time I find I’m getting lax, or there’s something in me I want to change, I ask God to do whatever it takes to pull it out. And that often involves him getting/seeming really far from me, so that I seek Him a whole lot more desperately.
God told me to read through my baptism transcript (I knew that’d come in handy one day!), and here are some things I picked up (no, this is nowhere near the whole thing!):
Steve: “Sam, I just see this as the first step of a huge road that God has got you on. And there is just a great capacity that God has placed in you, there is just an incredible amount of untapped potential in your life, bro. And you know, I just see, like, the Lord is going to send you into a time of training and preparation.”
PJ: “So that as you move into this time, I believe, as Steve said, you need to equip yourself and train yourself, and EQUIP yourself in the word of God so that you can do the work that God has called you to do. But you’ve got this ability, enormous ability to influence.
So in this time, it’s just like, you know, you need to grow in UNDERSTANDING, in WISDOM, and so that you find FAVOUR, by God, and by man, and so that you can do the work that God has called you to do.”
Helen: “The thing is, He’s gonna plant you as a small shoot, and it’s gonna take time for God to produce this in you, and allow that, allow that time. Because there’s something in you that’s just bursting to do it right now, you’re just like ‘God, release me!’ But you’ve got to let Him have time to get those roots deep or else you won’t go forward and stay strong. You need to have that time where God’s just doing a deep work in you, and that’s going to be a really important time. It might take a few years before God releases you fully, but allow that time, because if you’ve got your roots deep, then you’re gonna be a stronger tree, eh, and stand tall for a longer time. So, um, yeah, bless you with that, Sam.”
Mike: “I believe that the Lord would say to you, “Remember who has called you.” The Lord says, “I have called you.” Set your eyes toward Him. Always seek after and know His voice.”
Jess: “Jeremiah 17, verses 5-8…
"Cursed is the one who trusts in man, who depends on flesh for his strength and whose heart turns away from the LORD .
He will be like a bush in the wastelands; he will not see prosperity when it comes. He will dwell in the parched places of the desert, in a salt land where no one lives.
But blessed is the man who trusts in the LORD , whose confidence is in him.He will be like a tree planted by the water that sends out its roots by the stream. It does not fear when heat comes; its leaves are always green. It has no worries in a year of drought and never fails to bear fruit”
This last point is also relevant to specific number 1 – when my heart turns away from the Lord, I do not see prosperity, and I have no water (spiritual water). And I believe that that’s one of the things God is doing by taking me through this time, training me to fix my eyes and my heart on Him. I’ve had other prophecies about me going through a time of preparation and testing, so it’s all quite interesting.
So those are my thoughts at the moment.
Comments:
Gail: Again, thank you heaps for that e-mail. It was inspiring and encouraging and helpful.
Ruth: Wonderful quote, thanks. I know I’m not the only one who struggles with my QTs, yeah. It’s just that I want to do so much better, and that I’d allowed myself to get worse. And like I said above, I think there’s something else going on.
Becs: Thanks – you can probably downgrade me from ‘acute’ now. :-) And I’d love to have a coffee with you… before exams would be better, ‘cos I’m leaving straight after!
Abbey: Yeah, I know what you mean about how most people/everyone struggles… but yead, I don’t think it’s just that.
Mel: Thanks for that insight, it’s true. And the encouragement was, er, encouraging. :-)
Wee Dave: Yeah, I know.
Hehehe.
2,000 words!!! Man, if I added this to my assignment, I’d be over the word limit! Interesting plan…
So yeah, to summarise/conclude/tell the people who skipped the main bit what’s going on – I’m doing much better, but still working through stuff. I have the most probable answer to what’s going on. I just need to stick with it and trust in God through this time of preparation. And my assignment’s going better than I thought (but I really should be working on that right now). And my friends rock for supporting me.
And the Dutch have no concept of rust.
What Would Pinochet Do?
I don’t think that quite qualifies as blasphemy. It pretty much sums up my state of mind at the moment. I’m not great, but I haven’t quite lost it. I was borderline yesterday, I’ll tell you that. I’m sooo looking forward to Thursday the 21st, the first day that I have nothing planned! Heck, Friday night this week will do me, I suppose.
But yeah, the worst thing about being so busy and anxious is the impact it’s having on my spiritual life. It’s an incredible struggle keeping up, and I keep slipping down the wrong path and sinning. And I’m trying… and I’m trying to try in God’s strength… ugh. Easier said than done, that’s the truth.
I’m into categorization. If 2002 was the year of temptation, 2003 was the year of… I dunno. The year of… socializing? Not sure. But 2004 is the year of frustration. Although, to tell the truth, the last 2-3 years have all had their share of frustrations. Maybe this is the era of frustration for me. Maybe it’s always going to be frustrating, in one form or another.
See, so, last Boys’ Prayer, Bing got a word about me and my frustrations. That it would lead to opportunities – job opportunities. Now, bless him, but I have trouble putting stock into that kinda thing. It seems awful specific. What am I gonna do, write a book about it? On the other hand, at least it’s reassuring to be reminded that it’s for a purpose.
But it’s hard to remember that. It’s hard to believe in that. And I’m not complaining, God forbid, I’m just… expressing. Not venting, either. I just want to get my thoughts down. God feels incredibly far away at the moment. But then, it’s rare that He feels near. It’s a catch-22, really. I think “if I want God to draw near to me, I need to draw near to Him”. So I do, or at least I try. But it’s hard – almost painful – to do that, and impossible to keep it up over a period of time without experiencing His nearness.
I need feedback, in a way. That’s true of my spiritual life, as well as my blog. Interesting. I wonder if that’s an insecurity thing.
But anyways, back on topic. I read – and I hear from people – of people who love their quiet times and look forward to them. I’m still having to discipline myself to go through with it, and at the moment, at least, it’s actually getting harder to do. Now, that’s a bit of a generalization, because I’ve had awesome quiet times, and even periods when I’ve longed to be able to hang with God. But those times are rare, and the contrast is so marked from my usual quiet times. Its frustrating, probably because I can’t find any reason for it. It’s a psychological phenomenon that an inability to control – even by labeling or blaming – something causes frustration.
So I hold on to the hope that it’ll get better. That one day I’ll be able to hang with God like many others, and know Him personally a whole lot better. And I hang on to the hope (no, the faith, this time) that this – now – is having an effect. That somehow, it’s building me, or my faith, or my character, or it’s purifying me. That it’s not in vain.
Any thoughts? Confirmation/rebuke? No pity, please. But is there something in me that I need to change, or do more, or stop doing? Do I just need to keep holding on? And keep holding on? And keep holding on? Anyone else have/had a similar experience? I know I’m not alone in going through this, actually, which is both encouraging and discouraging. Encouraging because I know that it’s not just a me-thing, but discouraging because it makes it seem less like a God-thing, or a season.
Yeah, I think that’s about all I have to say. I’d appreciate your prayers, obviously. Apart from spiritually and physiologically (a bit stress) I’m doing great. As in, emotionally and physically – and I suppose, mentally. So that’s a blessing to be counted, yo.
Oh, finally, a big thanks to all the lovely ladies who commented on my last short post (funny that the short one about nothing got 5 comments, and the long one that I poured a lot of myself into got 1. From Gus. That’s the way it goes, though, so no worries). I appreciate the thoughts and prayers and stuff. God bless you all!
Signin’ off…
R v Bow Street Metropolitan Stipendiary Magistrate and others, ex parte Pinochet Ugarte (Amnesty International and others intervening (No 3) (1999)
That’s what I’ve written so far on what could well be my last University Assignment ever. That’s it. The title of the case I’m studying. Then again, I just started. Well, I haven’t even started, I suppose. Still reading the darn case. Got no idea what I’m going to do with it, I only know that I need to do it to a 50% standard or higher or I can’t get my degree. In less than five days. 3000 words.
Sounds like a challenge!
So yeah, I finished my other one today. A little rushed itself, but justly so. And that’s it, that’s the last time I’m talking about my assignments in this post.
Unfortunately, that doesn’t leave much.
Procrastination
I wouldn’t write about this if it weren’t a rare event, but I’m incredibly prone to procrastination today. Every time I try and write a sentence on one of my assignments (such as analyzing an in-car navigation/entertainment system – not quite as fun as it sounds, I’m afraid), my mind wanders to something else. Usually I can focus, but not today. Plus I just love the word procrastinate. Reminds me of my Latin days, because “cras” is a cool word meaning “tomorrow”. Cras. Manaña. Nope, no link.
I wonder if I’m just sick of my computer? It crashed last night, very badly. Gus and Jeremy saved the day by fixing it – took 3 hours though (until after 2am!), and another 1 this morning. It’s a bad time for it to crash, really bad. But it’s all better now, Praise God. I’ve got to write 800 words per day every day for the next week. And I’m not starting well. Gulp. But wait, I can’t be sick of my computer, or I wouldn’t be blogging. Crazy.
So, y’all might as well be the first to know this: I’m finding the thought of (eventually, obviously) being a Judge to be quite appealing. Which is interesting. I’m not sure though, it might bore me. And stifle me. Still, might be something to work towards, until something better comes along. Hey, it’s all I’ve got to work on at the moment, I suppose.
What else, what else, what else… possibly/probably/hopefully seeing Alien vs. Predator tonight, something I’ve been looking forward to all week – a break. Actually, slightly embarrassingly, I’ve been looking forward to this movie for many many years now. It won’t live up to my expectations… or will it? I think my only expectation is seeing these babies fight each other. Then again, I was looking forward to seeing Freddy vs. Jason, but didn’t end up seeing that. With good cause. Although if they ever make Freddy vs. Jason vs. Ash I might have second thoughts. Can’t resist a new Bruce Campbell movie.
Movies? Oh yeah. I used to want to work in movies, didn’t I? I’d completely forgotten. It was up until very recently that I still had that thought/dream. Seems to have faded. I don’t think that’s a bad thing – if it is, I’ll get into movies. Simple as that. But it’s very interesting to see that part of me (and it used to be a huge part of me) fade into obscurity. Obscurity, that’s another good word. From “obscurus,” meaning dark.
How am I going to use this passion – interest, interest. Passion makes it sound geeky – in words and their origins in my job? Curious. It could fit in with a law career, I suppose. Worth watching. Maybe it won’t arise at all.
Yeah, I’m in a pretty good place and mood. Nothing much to report, except that in 171 hours I will be free of internal assessment!
Forever???
There’s an uncomfortable thought. I was thinking last night, during the computer crash, “I’ll never learn not to try and upgrade my operating system when I’m in the middle of pre-exam assignment-season”… and I won’t, because this is very probably the last time in my life that I’ll have “pre-exam assignment season”. I’m not sure how I feel about possibly having 6 weeks left as a University student. It’s such a big part of my identity, I suppose. There’s an interesting point – we have student identity cards. I won’t bother explaining that if that thought didn’t make sense to you. But yeah, back to me. It’s quite a change, when you think about it. Especially if you’re an Otago student, because student identity is so concentrated down here. Next year, I’ll be… what? Hopefully not ‘unemployed’, but what will define me? A part-time (insert job here)-er? A Law graduate waiting for Profs? This is all assuming (which seems more and more likely) that my plan from the last blog is what happens.
Do I need an identity based on what I do?
The answer is clearly ‘no’, but still… it seems weird. Everyone I know is either a worker or a student. Or a kid. Even ‘borderliners’ like Steve-O and Yogs are interns/entrepreneurs respectively. Oh man, I’m comparing myself to them? Does that mean I’m expecting to be in Dunedin for another 5 years? No, no it doesn’t! It’s just that they’re harder to categorize.
Does this make sense to anyone? I suppose it’s harder for people who are leaving Dunedin next year, especially if they’re going to a new place – identity is often tied in with your social circle and what you do. At least I’ll be keeping most of the same friends. And the same room, that’s strangely comforting.
Sweet mercy, have I been going on about this for that long??? I need to get back to work, I’m 63/800ths through my daily word limit. Would appreciate prayer – although, ironically, I may end up missing leaders’ prayer at 4:45. Hah!
Parting thought: With regards to my last blog, a few people (thanks!) commented, generally saying the same thing: evangelism is primarily about living the Way. But I think Becs put it well: “this could very well be a cheap cop out, I dunno.” I don’t know either, but perhaps we do need to beware that it may be. I don’t like this conclusion any more than anyone else, but is just living it enough? How effective has that been in your walk? Maybe I’m wrong, but I have a slight fear that we may be avoiding the narrow road. Bec’s last point is a good one – if we’re submitted to God, it doesn’t matter. Sometimes, however, that’s easier said than done.
Or is it?
Food for thought!