A Ballad for Bing
- I:
- Bow my knee
- to you
- Lay down my life
- before you
- Bow my knee
- What:
- love (this)
- Surrounds me
- Doing:
- Raining down
- Where:
- All around me
- Glory
- Glory
- Jesus, King
- On the throne
- A river
- From:
- Mount Zion
- You:
- Can't you see it flow through me?
- Surrounded by:
- Most magnificent trees
- Totara
- Kauri
- Most magnificent trees
- From:
I had to mention this...
'cos this is such a laugh, and great fun to read... and the kind of thing I might do! :-)
Additionally:
Thanks for Nic's blog, Mel... it's now linked and commented on!
I maintain that onomatopoeia is easier done than said: SAYING "Woof!" is 'doing' onomatopoeia, and saying "Woof!" is easier than saying 'onomatopoeia'. And French dogs go 'Wooah wooah'.
True story.
Things used to be so easy…
That’s something I noticed today, during a coffee chat I had with Nicola. A few years back, when I had a problem, it wasn’t a difficult thing. It was easy for me to point to the origin of my problem. Now, it’s a whole lot more complex. There are factors, and things aren’t as easy to unravel. But I’m starting to think that while the problem may be complex, layered, and hidden, that doesn’t mean that the answer can’t be blindingly obvious and/or simple.
For example, FOR SOME REASON, which I haven’t completely established, on Friday night I had a… golly, what do you even call one of those? A time of ‘discussion’ with God. You know, where I yell and cry and He whispers and comforts. And I feel really dumb, low, and sinful, but comforted nonetheless. One ‘factor’ in that is the hidden build-up of stress that inevitably pools up over every five or six days (at the moment) and bursts out. One ‘reason’ is the feeling of directionlessness combined with the unwillingness to what perhaps I SHOULD be doing. I could list and layer the reasons and factors and other things, and while that would help, that’s such a slow, discouraging process. While the answer is simple – trust God.
Although, this time, it wasn’t just that ol’ nugget. See, although I need (or rather, will eventually need – I’m fine for now) the money that a job will provide, I actually don’t want one. At least, not a job that I’m not overly keen to do. That’s the way it works. Why? Because I value my freedom, because even though my unemployed-time isn’t fun, easy, or meaningful (well, it can be), at least I get to decide when and what to do. Me.
So I think a job is important (in case you hadn’t noticed, though, I’m predicting it will be painfully dull and seemingly… meaningless, yeah) to teach me something Bob Dylan’s also trying to teach me – You Gotta Serve Somebody. Although the emphasis isn’t on serving myself or serving Pyne Gould Guinness (my employer for the next fortnight – of my own free will, I might add, although I’m seriously not actually sure why I said ‘yes’), but on serving myself or serving God. And it’s fitting that God has used Easter to teach me this – the time when Jesus died for me to have life is also a reminder that I need to die so that He might live in me.
And danged if that ain’t a hard lesson. Even now I have my doubts that keeping it in my mind will last more than a day or two. Scary thought. But, as Nicola reminded me today, our workplace is our mission-field, first and foremost. So I need to get to work at 8am every morning (well, Wed to the following Friday, I’ve got a midday start on Tuesday) having already worked myself into honestly dying to myself and giving God lordship over my day. Not an easy task – especially for a non-morning person.
How can I even write that… not easy??? It’s practically impossible! I guess that’s where faith comes in, Sam says in an unconvincing voice. I need to work on that. Faith for that, that is, not on lying more convincingly. Although…
Hit you with the hard stuff up front, that’s what I like to do. Now I can actually talk about the fluffy what-I-had-for-breakfast type stuff you’re all dying to hear. Hehe. Well, I’ll mention camp first – it was cool. As cool as all Cutting Edge camps, and that’s saying something. Great to see everyone and everything, and the drives were pretty cool. Although waking up at 2am to see Mike and Bjorn putting toothpaste on my forehead… well, I’ve got some forgiveness issues with that one. :-) Like I mentioned above, I did take some time out to talk to God due to that nagging sense of… whatever it was. I still don’t get it. I’ve been really confusing myself lately. Anyway, I’m sure everyone else (Emma, Dave Lim [DANIEL VITTORI!!!], Jen-Lin, Carmi, Jane, Mel and Nam will fill in the rest of the details.
And as for my work on Wednesday and Thursday… it was actually pretty cool, and a very valuable experience. I forgot to mention that this job was an answer to a specific prayer I’d prayed a few days earlier – for a short-term law job in a big firm, so I can get the feeling of what working in a firm is like… and it was incredible at how accurately that was answered! Funky, nice one God. I was surprised at how efficient things were run, with Dictaphones and computerized forms and networks and all that jazz… but the most important part was learning how it felt to work there, and how it seemed like it would feel for the actual lawyers I was working with.
And to be brutally honest, it really didn’t seem like me. On the one hand, there’s the high-powered, stressful, money making aspect of lawyering that part of me would like to do, but the other part shies away from… possibly because of the focus being on money or work or anything other than the people. Although I would love to own a snazzy suit or two… one day. On the other hand, the working with people part has its positive side, but I’ve never been overly attracted to working for crims or youth or white-collar workers or the government or any particular class of people… although I love people, and want to help them, I’d probably rather be counseling them than representing them in a detached fashion. Or perhaps – and more probably - helping people that I work alongside.
Which again brings me back to the question of film-making. Which, I should probably state now, I have really poorly defined. I’ve always said ‘director, or camera-man, or actor, or cinematographer, or script-writer’, but I’ve never narrowed it down. And for good reason – because although I think I would be good at most of those (obviously after training and experience!), none of them empassion me by themselves. And I can’t think of any reasonable combination of them either.
Which leaves me with two job-paths, none of which really appeal to me. Am I being too picky?
Anyway, usual postscript applies here, that I’m not stressing about this, only thinking about it, and that I’m not planning on deviating from my current path of working ‘til Profs, and then completing that course. But it’s worth thinking about, I think.
So yeah, that’s the last few days for me, kinda. Have been noticing a real lack in my prayer-life of late, due to being busy in weird and wacky new ways. And this right when I seemed to be breaking through. So I’m really keen to get back on track with that – only, I can’t make 1PM now, and I’m gonna be quite busy… I’ll have to MAKE time. Again, easier said than done. But then, what isn’t?
Onomatopoeia, actually. That’s easier done than said. True story.
I have five updated blogs to read...
... but instead of reading 'em, I'm going to blog. And then go to bed. Leaving them unread for now. THAT is discipline, my friends. Yep, I'm a proud, proud man. And I'm writing this online, not in Word - meaning I'm vulnerable to the dreaded Blogger-attack. Am I asking for trouble? Perhaps... I'll try and keep safe.
I got a job. Just thought I'd spring it on you. It may only be for today though, or possibly tomorrow too. I got it through Select, the recruitment agency I signed up for... yesterday. They rock. Oh, and did I mention? It was in a law firm. GOD rocks, yes He does. Mum, Dad, if you're reading this, I AM planning on calling you tomorrow, which is ASAP for me. I should call WINZ too, so I'm not... fraudulent. What did I do at the law firm? Photocopying, typing, transcribing dictaphone messages (with pedals! I actually found that the funnest bit!) and filling in legal-y forms. Really quite fun, y'know, for $14 an hour. And it was in the biggest firm in the South Island, Anderson Lloyd Caudwell (my first choice of law firms for this time period!), filling THAT requirement too. God is good.
Anyways, like I said, it could only be for today, and that's cool. It certainly has taught me a LOT about working in a law firm. And about paperwork, and... officey stuff. My first impression was pretty much a whimper for the creative stifling that the environment produced, but apart from that, I could dig it. But what if I NEED an outlet for that...? So many signs are pointing to film nowadays, it's quite bizarre. Still, I'm sticking with law at the moment, as I said I would. I need to. At least until August.
Needless to say, the very thought of THAT month is filling me with shivers.
But, back to the glowy, happy present. For me, anyways. It also helps that it's Wednesday night, and we just had yet another awesome TV night. And we have booked our '80s movie night/all-nighter/marathon for Monday night, from 6pm. FYI, the films being brought are: Gremlins, Ghostbusters, Wayne's World, Little Shop of Horrors, Back to the Future, aaaannnddd... a mystery Mystery Science Theatre episode. Either EEGAH! or The Brain That Wouldn't Die... not sure yet. Oh, and there'll be pizza and stuff too. It's at the Sister Flat 2 (that's NOT a Whoopi Goldberg movie), and all you guys are invited (yep, you too) - BUT please let me know (text, comment, call) if you're coming. Even if you can't make the whole thing. We may not watch all the movies, but we'll see. I'm excited - I haven't done something like this since... well, first year. My Movie Nights... aaahhhh. Memories.
What else is new... Oh, I've got the cold everyone else has at the moment, that's... yeah, you can guess how that is. Dave P. just came back from T-Col camp, J is off to R.E.M. tomorrow, we have our camp (and Easter Breakfast at church) on Friday... looks like it's gonna be a GREAT Easter! Woo WOO!
Did I just say that?
By the way, thanks for the comments on my title, I'm glad it amused (and confused... sorry, Jen-Lin!). I probably should have thought twice about mentioning a 'badger' in my post, thought.
Too soon.
Oh, and, natch, thanks for the other comments too. Tres cool.
Heh, guess what? Blogger just ate my post! Luckily I had MOST of it saved in clipboard. Hah! Score one for the good guys! In other news, not only can I not remember what I wrote, I accidentally (yeah, right) read Abbey's blog. There goes my self-discipline. Still, the others will have to wait. A long time, if I have work tomorrow, which I'm kinda (not even kinda) hoping I don't. Is that bad? It feels bad. I'm a bad, bad boy. Actually, I'm a good boy, who sometimes does bad things.
That's it.
Muddled coffee honestly struggles with the rent, but it's a victory of simplicity. Jen-Lin and my ex are chased by a badger with a gun.
My mind’s a bit muddled. You’ll forgive me that. Again, it feels like ages since I blogged last, and again, there are reasons. Foremost being, natch, that it’s hard to find stuff to blog about. Sorry, let me rephrase – it’s hard to find stuff that I WANT to blog about. And – very bizarrely – the last few days have not given me much blogging time. Although it’s really hard for me to remember why… the other reason is that yeah, I am feeling a little muddled at the moment. That kind of – ooh, I just woke up feeling, don’t talk to me. Give me coffee. Instant, because it’s quicker.
Although, ‘instant’, that’s a lie, isn’t it? I think we’d all prefer instant coffee if it weren’t lying to us. It’s not even instant if the kettle’s already boiled. That gets me more than the icky flavour, the deception! Y’know, in Chile, I sometimes went a whole day without a coffee… it’s not that easy here! I’m lucky to get through with only two!
Probably because I can drink when I want to, here.
Friday was a struggle (and I left the house HEAPS, and was hardly in my dressing gown… what’s up with THAT!?), for no apparent reason. My quiet times were going really well until Thursday, when they all of a sudden got really hard again. Dagnabbit. That definitely didn’t help Friday. I think – to be honest – having an 8-3:30 School of Pastors seminar on Saturday (so I thought – it was actually meant to be 8:30-3:00, but turned into 8:30-2:30 with free pizza and muffins) that we were required to attend… I think I got bitter about that, which was… well, interesting, but a struggle.
Speaking of honesty (it’s up there, somewhere. In the middle of that last paragraph), there’s been some Crazy-Honesty in the blogisphere of late. I’m not naming names (not that it’s a bad thing), but some people are totally putting the rest of us to shame. Or they would be, if we all thought we were being really honest. Which I kind of did, but not really. Honest isn’t the word. Open, I guess. You get what I mean. ‘Specially if you’ve read their blogs…
Almost finished Dostoeyevsky’s The Idiot, speaking of reading. Great book, hard to read. The idiot (hey, this fits in with the ‘honesty’ paragraph too!) himself is a very bizarre role-model, but I am certainly impressed and inspired by him. But I’m not gonna review that book here, don’t worry. Although, I must say (I must, I must!) that my ‘review’ of the Rent photos went down much better than I expected. To my shame, I didn’t expect such encouragement from you guys – largely based on past experience with that topic. But yeah, you’re right; I’m passionate about it, even if lots of you aren’t, and it’s important for me to write it, and seemingly interested to read, if perhaps for a different reason than I intended… thanks.
Okay… post-Oxygen now (the stuff above was written before our church’s night service). Quite a cool service, although not one I got a lot out of. Possibly wasn’t in the right place to receive, but that’s cool. Actually, today was one of those ‘going downhill’ days again, where I was feeling pretty useless, directionless and hopeless. But, thankfully, it was also a day of victory; a day of overcoming those feelings and holding onto the Truth. And – for my own info – that truth is that there is a purpose being fulfilled in this period. I forget that so easily.
It’s funny, actually, how the important truths are the simplest. ‘God has a purpose for my life’ – “yes, but what if… blah blah blah”. Or most importantly – ‘salvation is a free gift of Jesus Christ’ – “no, no, I have to earn it, your way makes no sense. Or maybe…” We try to complicate things so much, there seems to be an innate distrust of simpleness. Actually, maybe it’s a pride thing – smart people think Truth (say, the meaning of life) must be something that only the smartest people can discover. That could be why simple folk are often happier than clever folk. That’s a random thought, almost not worth leaving that one in… but I will.
Wait a second… sorry, I’m just browsing the internet while I’m blogging… Jen-Lin has a BLOG??? What? She’s had it for HOW LONG? And NO ONE thought I’d be interested in this? Good golly! You’re all punks! Jimminy Cricket… Man, I’ve got some catching up to do – thank heavens I don’t have a job! I can’t believe no-one told me about this, that’s… grrrr! I’m very mad!
Well, not really. It would have been nice to have been told. Speaking of, er, well, I’m sure it fits in somewhere… my parents sent me down the Sunday Star Times Sunday magazine, and it’s got a full-page picture and column of my ex in it. She’s now a Criminal Barrister. Whaddya know. I’m still not sure how I feel about seeing it – it’s been two years since we last talked, so it’s… weird – but it’s on my desk until I decide. Huh.
Okay, well, I’ll post this now. And feel like I’ve accomplished something in so doing, although this wasn’t on my to-do list.
Shouldn’t I be doing other things first, then? Er… look, over there, a badger with a gun!
(Sam runs off)
Rent... continued.
Now, I know most of you won't care about this post at all (although I'm reckonin' you might once the film comes out), but it's mainly for my own sake. And besides, it's not often that I write about something like this, so this will reveal another side to me. Hopefully you can grow to love that side of me too... *sniff*. Hehe, I'm a punk.
50 behind the scenes photos have been released today, at this site. They seem to have been shooting Song 21 - Christmas Bells. Start with the biggy, I guess. And I must say, they seem to be doing it well. I'm excited that they've got the original cast, because it looks almost perfect. As do the costumes, I might add! Mark and his scarf...
I say almost because I have two slight reservations. One is that - inevitably - the actors are looking older. Which is to be expected, being almost 10 years since the original broadway cast. So that's no biggy (incidentally, that's probably why the youngest character - Mimi - is being played by a different actor). Secondly - and this is a little weird - Roger looks different. I think it's the hair, although it could be the fact that he's smiling too much. He just doesn't look like the depressive HIV+ rock guitarist we all know and love. In fact, he looks surprisingly like Prior Walter, from Angels in America. Which fits, given the whole NYC HIV+ connection. Still, that was set in the '80s...
Anyway, these are photos, so you can't really see them come alive properly. I expect to be impressed by the acting of characters these guys have grown to love and know well. I'm a little scared to think of finally seeing this on the big screen, but this eases my fear. I'm looking forward to the next batch of photos!
News that excites Sam
It's not often that I read three cool Film/TV news stories in one day, so here're the links and a brief summary for you.
Firstly, Sight and Sound did a pretty cool Wes Anderson Interview about The Life Aquatic, here. Some quotes:
"The crew are provided with an acoustic soundtrack by Team Zissou member Seu Jorge (Knockout Ned from Brazilian blockbuster City of God), who sings cover versions of David Bowie songs. "I saw Seu in City of God," says Anderson, "but then it turned out that he is a pop star in his native country. He adapted the songs himself, making them sound Brazilian, and translated them into Portuguese." (Bowie, who granted permission, likes the new versions.) The songs convey the melancholy, humorous, otherworldly atmosphere of the film - the Wes Anderson signature. "
"The film was shot on Fellini's home turf at the Cinecittà studios near Rome and in the harbours of Italy. It shares its film-within-a-film structure with 8 1 / 2 (1963), along with its depiction of the lonely helmsman's problems of finding inspiration and finance and grappling with an overweight producer. "
Possible not interesting for everyone there, but worth a look. Secondly, a tidbit about Lost... ah, heck, here's the whole thing:
In a recent interview with The Trades actor Harold Perrineau, who plays the over protective father Michael on ABC's "Lost", revealed the castaway series looks set to run for quite a while - at least as long as ratings and network support continues.
Perrineau says "When the show first got picked up, J.J. Abrams and Damon Lindelof said that they knew where they wanted Lost to go for six years. We were all like, 'Really?'. They said, 'We don't know exactly what's going to happen, but we have the beginning and the end set for six years'. Then after the first couple of episodes they said, 'We have the beginning and end for eight years'. So they're certainly on a roll."
Although the writers of "Lost" know where the series is headed, they remain tight lipped about the direction of the plot lines even to the actors who find out not long before us audience members do (the lag time from shooting to airing is around three weeks). Actor Daniel Dae Kim addressed reports that one of the main characters will die by season's end. "We have been informed of which person's character will be killed, and it's incredibly sad...It [the episode] is so well done, there won't be a dry eye in the house."
FINALLY - saving the best to last - Rent has begun shooting today! Huzzah! Release Date - November 15th! Directed by Chris Colombus, of Harry Potter and Mrs. Doubtfire fame, starring most of the original cast... breathe, Sam... Julie Larson co-producng (I KNOW!)... Adam Pascal (Roger) was APPARENTLY in School of Rock (!)... Taye Diggs (Benny) was in Chicago, Anthony Rapp (Mark) was in Twister, A Beautiful Mind... how did I not KNOW all of this?
Okay, like I said. Exciting news.
Sam's thesis on honesty
Okay, so, I wrote all this in the comments on Jane's blog, in response to a question. Then I realised I wanted to keep what I wroted, for future reference. So here it is, in all its glory. Please, feel free to discuss or question it!
------------------------------------------------------------------------------
As for your question, it's a good one. In my own life, I've drawn the line at this: Close friends get The Truth as best I can give it. Those I don't want to discuss it with (or at those times I don't want to discuss it) get The Truth, but put in such a fashion that shows that they shouldn't really worry about me 'cos I'm getting through it and that I don't want to talk about it. Those who I know aren't really interested (e.g. checkout operators) get an honest, but incomplete, "I'm getting there" or "I've been worse" or the like.
Of course, occasionally I break these rules for effect - it's always fun to tell a checkout operator that you're struggling with depression.
But basically I came to a decision a year or two ago that we shouldn't lie about this, but that the truth should be tailored to the situation. I don't always do this properly, but I try.
The way I see it, if someone who cares about you sincerely wants to know how you're doing, why not tell them the truth? And if someone who cares about you insincerely asks how you're doing (meaning 'hi'), well, why not tell them the truth? It may worry or distract them a little, but they ought to be concerned for your own welfare. I know *I'd* like to know the truth.
One more thing (don't groan!) because I remembered that you were initially talking about a negative impression from your blogs. The way I see it is that God doesn't need us to make up good things or hide the bad - He's bigger than that. We need to be honest and transparent ambassadors, and that may sometimes mean having to say stuff that doesn't seem to fit.
But God always said there'd be struggles, and our ignorance of His means and his working in us through these times definately doesn't mean He's not.
I see that it's more important to promote fellowship (allowing others to help bear your burdens) than to pretend that a Christian life is easy.
On a different note, I'd say that a Christian life would definately be a whole lot easier if we were perfect - so any of our complaints about it is simply a reflection of our imperfection, not of God's.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I mentioned on Kristy’s blog a verse that struck me today (no, I didn’t strike it back):
Romans 4:5 – “However, to the man who does not work but trusts God who justifies the wicked, his faith is credited as righteousness.”
It struck me because, in this transitional period of waiting, I’m confronted day-by-day with the question of ‘what to do?’ Being committed to following Christ, I’m hungry to produce fruit, which to me means that I need to do something not solely self-pleasing. I found myself playing a computer game the other day, which to me is of no value other than the often vital need to relax and wind-down. I was playing it just for the sake of doing something. Even playing foosball (which doesn’t get boring!) is social; even playing guitar alone has its benefits. But seeing how many Nazis I can shoot? I find no value in that.
Among the useful activities I am using to fill in this time (I should mention that I’ve almost done all I can to find a job – almost. I’m still subconsciously procrastinating about signing up for other recruitment agencies, because then I will truly have done everything; leaving me nothing else on my To Do lists!) are reading, the essential quiet times, and catching up with people I don’t see much of nowadays – i.e. everyone bar my flatmates. The latter is actually fruitful, because as I’ve always said, I view any socializing (no matter how small) as part of my calling. Apart from church activities, the odd 1PM prayer (which I’m still loving), checking the ODT employment pages and the like, my days are reasonably empty.
Today’s Word for Today Word (hehe):
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A Mist Or An Outpouring?
The LORD God had not sent rain upon the earth, and there was no man to cultivate the ground. - Genesis 2:5 NASB
At the beginning of creation God caused a mist to come up from the earth and water the ground. Up until that time there had been no downpour from the heavens. Why? Because "there was not a man to till the ground." There's a lesson here: there are some things God has planned to do, made provision for doing and desires to do - that He will not do until we get into the place where we can receive what He longs to give.
The blessing is there, safe in God's keeping. The need is there, persistent in its pain and suffering. But the blessing won't be applied until our hearts are in a position for God to act. Oh, you may be experiencing a "mist," in your spirit, but you know God has something more for you! You have uneasiness, a frustration that causes you to say, "Why am I no further along?" Rather than blaming the people in your life or the circumstances around you, you need to pause, look up and ask: "Lord, are You waiting for me to get into the right place?" When you ask that question be prepared to hear His answer and obey it, even if it means rearranging your priorities, leaving your comfort zone, breaking old habit patterns, and paying the price to have what God wants you to have. What does He want you to have? Not a mist, but an outpouring of His blessing!
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
But the Bible verse above, and today’s Word for Today reading, along with personal reflection and revelation, is leading me to wonder whether this time is primarily (rather than secondarily) for the purpose of leading me into more prayer, and more Bible study. I’ve nicked Dave P.’s intensive (HUGE) Bible commentaries, which are spicing up my Bible reading. And prayer… well, that’s still a hard one. I’m getting a lot from 1PM at the mo’, which is bizarre, but I’m also hungering to pray more – whilst battling with the part of me that’s yelling that it’s too hard.
So that’s what’s going on with me at the moment. I’m still looking for jobs, or more correctly waiting for them. But I will go to more recruitment agencies soon, I know I need to. The highlights of my week are Wednesday nights, both life-groups (although I’ve had to put my one of Friday night for now!), and church. I’m encouraging myself to enjoy every day, and look forward to it when I get up in the morning, which is a challenge, but I’m getting there.
Not much more to say, really. Um… ‘bye? :-)
"What to do, what to say..."
I guess I underestimated Google’s intelligence with that last post. Maybe I should have thought about it before posting that. Ah well, it was worth a shot. I still haven’t seen the blasted trailer yet – the new one, that is. It’s always been removed whenever I find a copy. Then again, I ain’t looking too hard.
Two of The Lads stayed here last night, which was quite cool. They play a mean game of foosball (in case you didn’t know, we now have a foosball table, thanks to Mr. Hawkes), and they’re quite nice guys. One of them remembers being a relief teacher for me back in secondary school – 6 to 10 years ago! Crazy. Didn’t see their concert – wasn’t quite in the mood. Speaking of, I’ve managed to watch my mood and my thought patterns very closely this week, and have been able to keep them from spiraling out of control, a la last weekend. Which is nice. Could be harder when I’m tired – like now. Horrible night’s sleep last night – on the couch in the kitchen, for 5 hours or less! Heh, you gotta laugh, though.
What else… oh, I’m coming to the realisation that a law job is unfeasible for the 2 months I have remaining, so I’m looking into temping now. Actually, I always thought it would be unlikely that I’d get a law job for such a short period, but I tried, anyways. I don’t want to work too much, though, I don’t think. I don’t have much interest in money, I just need to get by. Then again, perhaps that attitude to work is going to change rapidly, who knows? The Shadow knows.
It’s possibly a no-brainer, but I’m feeling very unsatisfied with what I’m doing for God at the moment. I know, I know, I always bring this up, and it’s nothing new this time. It’s disappointing (and discouraging) that I feel this so often and do so little about it. It’s possibly bad for my comfort levels to be reading D.L. Moody and Billy Graham biographies, not to mention Foxe’s Book of Martyrs and ‘In His Steps’. I feel like doing more. But I have no idea what. Maybe it’s just a feeling of stepping up in general… I guess my problem (?!) is that I like to see results. That’s it, isn’t it? That’s what we humans like to see. I’d rather see one person saved than being able to encourage or even pray for twenty people. Is it wrong to feel that way? Possibly to some extent, but there’s truth behind it. Perhaps… probably… hopefully… I’ll always have this feeling of dissatisfaction. Maybe I need to learn to be content with that, and let it drive me. With guidance of course. I dunno, I’m just rambling.
Funnily enough, I’m now listening to The White Stripes’ cover of ‘I Just Don’t Know What to Do With Myself!’ Which is kinda where I’m at. I’ve got to constantly be alert to the danger of having so many options that I do nothing, for fear of missing something. Like now, I could help Daniel H. with Faith TV (I’m gonna ask, anyways), y’know, some volunteer work. And that’d be cool, but… is there something better I could be doing with my free time while I wait for a job? Could I be volunteering for something that needs me more? Could I be searching harder for jobs? Could I be visiting and encouraging my friends? Could I be writing a film script, or planning something? And, obviously, it was the same with the question of what I’m doing after Uni (Law? Film? Psyc? Other?).
And that was what happened the Summer before last, too, I was waiting for the perfect job. While THIS Summer was completely different – I’d purposely booked myself into two things (picking cherries in Hastings, Chile trip) that I couldn’t back out of, and that I knew would be hard… and yet, I had the best Summer I’ve ever had! Perhaps I just need to do stuff without thinking that much. But where is the line between over and under-planning? Interesting.
Perhaps the point is completely different – perhaps instead of worrying about exactly (or even vaguely) what to do, I should be content with my primary mission of life – knowing, loving, and being loved by God (‘The Love of God’, by Rich Mullins, of course being the song I’m now listening to! “Makes me glad to have been caught in the reckless raging fury they call the Love of God” – great song!). Well… yeah, I guess so! I feel like I’m making ground in my relationship with God, by the way. It’s VERY slow going, but it does seem to be progress. Praise the Lord!
Now the song playing is “Loco Man”, by the Folksmen. You can’t win ‘em all!
Star Wars Episode III trailer!!!
Star Wars Episode 3: Revenge of the Sith trailer!!! The one they played during the O.C., March 11! Get it here! Star Wars Episode III!
Okay, just kidding. I just wanna see if I get an insane amount of hits from that. Could work, y'know.
Or not...
April 2004 retrospective
Yeah, okay, I'm doing this because I really don't have much to blog about. Or maybe I'm just not in a blogging mood. Not that I'm in a bad mood, though. Had a great day yesterday, and today's been... well, average. Then again, it's only 2:40, so who knows what could happen! :-)
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
APRIL
Topics discussed:
· Bioethics. Again.
· Prophecies and determinism. A lot.
· Science as a faith-system.
· The shrinking level of female friendships in my life
· The possible need for a serious female Relationship in my life (blush)
· The need for my Dunedin-blogger-friends to all do a summary of the term to date…
· A summary of the term to date.
· Bowel movements and boredom – are they both a call from God to be still and focus on Him?
· My low finances… yet the idea of a mission trip begins to form.
· The blessing that will later be known as Boys’ Prayer
· The Creation of Hell
· Strange dreams and bad sleeping
· Les Miserables as a depiction of Law vs. Grace
· WorkCanada/WorkFrance/WorkAustralia [I never really considered those… maybe I should]
· My commitment-phobia in terms of responsibilities
· Goal-setting for my life-group [which I need to do with them THIS year!]
· The power of habitually confessing sins publicly – I wrote: “This might be one of those really gradual revelations, something I'll look back on in a year and go, 'oh yeah, I'm doing that more often now.'” Yeah, still working on that. :-)
· Faith vs. Anxiety. Yeah, still working on that, too. :-)
· How to “cock a snook.”
· The ethics of Risk and their reflection on Real Life…
· The Death Penalty
· Leaving Dunedin, and especially leaving Dunedin friends.
· I wonder when we’ll make our next movie…
· Hanging with friends and family in heaven.
· IE 2, Firefox, MYIE 2 (now Maxthon)
Events in my life:
· I died. No, it was just an April Fools joke.
· My moot drives me crazy. I never recovered.
· My second Christian Birthday
· Impact World Tour
· I have a really bad day. Partly because of the moot.
· I try to organise an Easter road trip, then realise that no-one wants to go. Not even me. Not that I had a car, anyway.
· School of Leaders begins
· I jam with Rachel Brown.
· Easter holiday
· I start thinking about a LOT of things, and different goals and visions. I get confused.
· Nothing. I mean, NOTHING happens for, like, a week. Crazy.
· I feel directionless and detached, partly due to the above two things, as well as others. I also feel like I’m somewhere I shouldn’t be, and consider not returning to Dunedin in 2005. I decide to wrestle with God on this issue…
Events in the life of friends:
· Well, my blog. I got 24 comments of one post, I THINK that qualifies! :-)
Social events:
· A bunch of people play laser-force together. With me. Did I organise it? I can’t remember. I didn’t note it.
· Spanish Club! Abbey, Carmi, Dave, Kristy and I, and sometimes the odd other-person. Yeah, that belongs under ‘Social Events’ :-)
Movies discussed:
· Big Fish
· Les Miserables
Books discussed:
· Les Miserables
· The Power of Praise
· Final Quest
Pop-Culture References:
· That na na na na na song from that funny NZIdol dude. Y’know the one.
Thoughts now about then:Yeah, I was a little confused and disoriented then – I don’t confess to know the answers I sought then, but I’m definitely finding them, bit by bit, and I’m more at peace about all that jazz. It seems like a month in which there wasn’t much happening in real life, no movement in any direction, so my mind went and busied itself, with slightly negative consequences for a short bit. Still, not a bad month. An improvement from March.
It’s very tough to follow a blog like that.
But I don’t want people worrying about me, so here’s an update. I’m cautiously hesitant (am I cautious, or am I hesitant? I’m not really sure… YOU decide!) to say that I’m feeling better… I AM feeling better in the relative sense of the word, but I’m suspecting that due to my circumstances, I can expect more of the same (perhaps not so bad) in the not-too-distant. That’s a noun, by the way. I’m cool because I turn adjectives into nouns.
Firstly, I need to express my gratitude to those who expressed concern, and those who prayed for me, over that last blog. I’m sorry if I scared people, or almost made them cry in public (!). I’ve received a lot of support, and I’m very thankful for that – and I need it. And I will probably keep needing it. True story.
It’s kinda like the whole shipwrecked imagery (start playing Brooke Fraser’s “Lifeline” here). Like I’m in a lifesaver (NOT the candy!) in a huge stormy sea, and there are times when the sea overwhelms me and I slip and gulp water, and times when I’m just floating with the waves. And the whole time it’s not very comfortable, and quite scary, and I’m waiting for just one life-boat to come get me.
Okay, I didn’t think I was capable of that sort of cheese! Sorry! Ick. Still, it’s apt. Not Abt, apt. Which is a funny word. Apt is, not Abt. Although… whatever. My point is that at the moment, I just need to hold on, grit my teeth, bear it, and wait.
That last sentence had too many commas.
I kind of wished I’d phrased myself a little better in that last blog (and long-term-bloggers know what I mean by that!), in the segment about my feeling ‘different’. I feel that some people understood me as I meant it to be understood, some didn’t, and some understood it on many levels, some of which were relevant. But I won’t really go into it, and I still appreciated all that was said.
I was kinda hoping I’d get enough money from WINZ to not stress about not having a job, but it turns out to be less than I thought it would. So while I don’t DRASTICALLY need a job, yeah, I do need one. And the job-market down here is surprisingly slim. I think I might try some recruitment agencies. Not a bad plan.
Interestingly, perhaps being a Christian is actually making this time tougher than it otherwise would be. I mean, I’m struggling with God as it is, right? So I’m not feeling that extra support there. But I’ve also got a desire to ‘be a blessing’ and help people and whatnot (not that non-Christians don’t have that desire, of course, but it was never a huge part of me before I was Christian), meaning I’ve got to work on that while I’m looking for a job. Actually, having that secondary objective (or is that the primary one?) is better than not having it, but only (?) when I accomplish it. Like, a day where I don’t find a job but still manage to help/love/bless/whatever someone is much better than if job-hunting was my sole objective. So I guess it’s got more ‘positive potential.’ I’m talking rubbish. That sounds like a Tony Robbins kinda thing to say. “Unleash your Positive Potential!”
I guess the deal with where I’m at right now is that I need to look at life day-by-day, and not worry too much about the future. Actually, that’s kinda sorta exactly the word Matt P. got for me last week – Matt 6:34 – “Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about its own things. Sufficient for the day is its own trouble.”
I need to learn to listen. Could someone (or all of you) remind me of that verse, next time I start to feel like this? Might save a whole heap of heartache. That would make a bad band name, “Whole Heap of Heartache”. Unless you shortened it to “Double-U Double H”, but people might think the band was called UUHH. Which it ain’t.
Yeah, so, you’ve probably picked that I am feeling a lot (comparatively) better now, by my weird jokes. Again, I can’t express how much your support has meant to me. Thanks for the love.
Okay, I CAN’T leave one of my blogs with that as my last sentence. “Thanks for the love.” What a jerky phrase. How does THAT reflect on my manhood, hmm? Think about that for a little, Sam! It’s enough to make one puke.
That’s a better sentence to leave it on. Although, “it’s enough to make one puke” could sound to some like some sick recipe book. Pun not intended. No, really! Oh, I give in.
Eek, that’s a TERRIBLE ending sentence! “Oh, I give in.” Yeah, right! Like I’m a quitter! Okay, okay, I DO need to end this somehow. Um… maybe I could just cut off suddenly. In the middle of a sen
tence.
Crash!
Aaand rebound. This has not been the most fun weekend. Well, most of yesterday and this morning certainly haven’t been. Had a cool chat with Jess yesterday, but I was still feeling pretty bad then. Saw “My Life As A House” with our second (?) sister flat last night, Esther, Cara, Neelim (Yas’ sister) and co. – the ‘Lost’ group. That’s turning into quite a cool friendship we’ve got going between us. I like that. Then we went to our neighbour’s (with a ‘u’ for my mother, who hates my Americanised spelling) flat-warming (Flat 2, upstairs and across from us) for a wee bit, but they were all pretty trashed. Still, one of them remembered my name this morning, so that’s a good start!
And today, today was kinda good. After church, at least. We went to the beach to film a 60 second commercial for church, to be screened during Channel 9’s (Dunedin local TV station) new show, Faith TV. It was pretty fun, and, you guessed it, got me thinking about my job. But that didn’t spiral downhill. I got prayer after church, see, and did I ever need it! Yikes!
I don’t even know what I was so freaking-out about, but it was tough. Really tough. I won’t lie about that. I had so many questions, but I couldn’t do the rational thing and think them through and work them out, because I was so confused. Eek. Not a good thought.
I guess it’s all coming down to a faith-thing. It’s not the job-hunting that’s affecting me, not really. It’s the thought that God doesn’t know – or care – what He’s doing with me. The thought that my situation – my personality, my feelings, my thoughts and mind – are so different from everyone else’s that I’m not going to fit into the usual plan. Which is actually – hold your breath, people, this is a scarily personal revelation – one of my deepest insecurities. That there’s something wrong about me, something that people don’t understand because it’s different. Something they don’t understand because I don’t show it.
And to be honest, even bringing this fear to the surface does nothing to reduce it. Sure, I believe God planned me, and I understand in my head that He made me how He wanted me… Anyways, it’s nothing more than a fear. A part of me I’m still clinging to because I’m afraid to let people or God love that most-flawed part of me too. And here was me thinking I’d gotten rid of all that junk by being open on this blog and in real life.
God’s still got a lot of work to do in me. But that’s life, eh?
So I’ll keep on keeping on. And I know I’m not out of this place yet, so please keep praying for a breakthrough. For revelation. I’ll cling to the hope that God knows, and that He’s not just sitting on His hands. And – and this is still the most humbling part of this post – I will definitely need as much encouragement as I can get at this point. Not encouragement that I’ll find a job – that’s really not worrying me, comparatively. But please keep telling me that God has a plan for me (if you believe it) and that He hasn’t forgotten me.
On that bittersweet, but hopeful note, I’m going to leave you for a bit. I hope (hehe) that this hasn’t been too much of a downer for anyone. As ever, I’ll get through this one too. I just really need help, sometimes.
God bless!
Yasmin's got a blog!
See the sidebar for details.
The ranks are growing...
In other news... I'm not having the greatest day! Oh well.
I’m listening to Brooke Fraser today
Well, Dave is, and I can’t use my own speakers at the same time as his, unfortunately. Not that I can get much use of them these days anyways, with the CD player bust. That’s okay, that’s fine, I’ve booked it in for a Monday morning Stereo-Doctor’s appointment. In South Dunedin. Thank the Lord I have a car, hmm?
Today’s been a struggle. The one real thing on my to-do list was “Call the Mayor”. Which I did – but found I had the wrong number. And then when I found the number to call… well, just then, the radio reminded me that he’s entertaining Prince Charles this weekend. So it’s probably NOT the best time to ring him. I’m thinking Monday afternoon. Which leaves me with three empty days.
Hence the struggle. Another thing is that I got up late (well, still before 10am, but I want to be getting up around 9 these days, to motivate myself) because of a late night last night. And the fact that of late, even my wonder-drug sleeping pills aren’t helping me that much. And I’m pretty sure I know why – stress. It’s beginning to show, especially in my relationships with people. I’m getting cranky at times (sorry to all I haven’t been as friendly as I’d like to with! Such as: Scott, Mel, Gus, Emma E., Nam, Jane, Ruth… No excuses, but I’m trying! :- ) and not being as joyful as I can.
That’s life. At the moment, anyways. At least – and this is actually quite a good thing – I’m coming to recognize when I’m stressed, because it usually sneaks up on me. And it means I can do stuff about it! Which is a Very Good Thing. But yeah, disclaimer: I’m struggling to be as Nice as I can at the moment, so please forgive any mistakes I make.
With that said, well, it’ll be good to allay the e-mails and phone calls trying to make me feel better by saying that though this is tough, this is my burden at the moment, and I’m bearing it. That’ll be a hard sentence to understand, grammatically, but I ain’t rewriting it. What I meant to say was that, yeah, it ain’t easy being in this place, but I have the ability (through God, with the help of my friends) to get through it. So don’t worry about me.
See, this is another reason I don’t like to blog when I’m not as happy as I usually am, because I know it blows things out of proportion. This is not a cry for help, or a please-pity-me thing. This is an update. Although, you’re welcome to use it as a basis for praying for me. Hehe.
What really stirred me to write this blog today (apart from apologizing to my friends, because I do feel bad about the way I’ve treated some of them – especially by not giving the time to talk with them or just hang out) was some of the things I’ve been reading. Although I KNOW how I should go on this job-hunt, I need to reread “Job-hunting Advice” books and websites on a pretty much daily basis, in order to keep motivated.
So I was at http://www.jobhuntersbible.com, by the guy who wrote “What Colour is Your Parachute,” and reading about various things (methods of finding a job, et cetera) when I came across a quick guide to finding the area you want to work in. He asks questions like (and I quote): “What kinds of questions do you most like to help people find answers to? Is it: what are the most popular videos this month?” “What knowledge of yours do you most like to display, to other people?” “What are your favorite hobbies or interests?” “What are your favorite words, that you most like to be tossing around, all day? Every field is, in a sense, a language. For example, the language of theology is: God, love, forgiveness, compassion, sacrifice, etc” “What Internet sites do you most often gravitate to?”… and concludes with: “For example, if you decide your favorite field is "Movies," just watch the closing credits next time you're in a theater. You'll get lots of useful clues. And what a wonderful headline, afterward: "I found my job while watching 'The Thomas Crown Affair.' "”
Darn it.
My interests, as I can best pick them, are a) helping people, b) God (especially helping people go deeper into Him), c) the internet, d) movies, e) playing guitar/singing, f) socialising, and g) anything involving humour. That describes me quite well, at least, in some ways. Law ain’t there. It’s not even close.
I’ve decided to use this 3 months (well, 2 and a half, now) to work in a law firm, before Profs, to see if I’d like it. If I hadn’t decided that, things would be harder. I’d probably want to work in a video store, or something. But I keep wondering if law is the right path for me. Again, my consolation is that I don’t need to decide that now. And – actually, more importantly – that I’m not going to ruin everything by any of the choices I have in the not-so-different future, because God’s bigger than my stuff-ups.
So enough of the negatives, of the problems and the tribulations. What am I going to DO about it? I don’t think I can do anything until Monday (unless I got down to it now), but then… Well, I’ve got to drop my stereo off first thing, that’ll get me started. Prince Charles doesn’t leave until the afternoon, so I’ll put calling Peter Chin off until after lunch. I guess I’m going to march into the law firms I’ve singled out and ask for an appointment. Which means I’ll need a suit.
I’ll need to buy a suit.
Maybe I can do that tomorrow… ooh, maybe we can do some gardening here tomorrow too… I’ll talk to the boys about that. Speaking of exciting things (!), it’s time to see a movie tonight, I reckon. With J, of course. I’m wondering about Constantine – is it going to be a Bad movie (not in the sense of artistic quality, mind)? I’ve read about it, and I think it’s safe for me to go. Then again, I’m not in the best God-place at the moment… guess I’ll pray about it. We’ll see.
Hey, I forgot to talk about last night – “Life Nite: Cutting Edge Flat-warming”… it went off! Read Lyds’ blog for a full update, but it was a great success! And a lot of fun. Random mission-fundraising haircuts and plastic ball flat-fights galore! Not to mention sock-stealing, trolley-racing, pancake-flipping FUN. I still feel bad about egging Emma, though. Ah well, she’ll get me back some day. Again.
Okay, so, I’m feeling better now. My top prayer request at the moment would be for the motivation to find a job. Like, I woke up this morning and I couldn’t be bothered. Although sitting around at home is NOT FUN (although, in theory, it could be, if I knew that’s what I was going to be doing), there’s nothing overly exciting about working at the moment, either.
Thanks for listening!
I left the house today.
I was prompted to by an e-mail (thanks to both of you guys who e-mailed!) which reminded me of my Friday-Syndrome from last year, where I used to end up strangely flat/low (no, that's not the prequel to Nip/Tuck!!!) by Friday afternoon. This, I had discovered, was due to my staying in the house (yes, in my dressing gown, lovely beast that it is – it’s not a bathrobe!) all day, without any social interaction such as lectures. So I had tried going out on coffee dates with random friends on Fridays, and it worked!
Sooo, I put 2 and 2 together, and made meetings for today and tomorrow (which, co-inky-dinkally, also gave me a reason to go to one o’clock prayer – Room 6, Clubs and Socs, every weekday: you now have no excuse. Hah!). And today it worked a charm. Because – as Becs said on her most recent blog – most of the stuff I’m doing when I’m not job-searching has little “eternal significance”, so feels… not worthwhile. But we all know that I love sowing into others’ lives, so this worked well.
I thought you’d all appreciate that happy note, after yesterday’s blog. I should probably mention that it did portray things in a magnified fashion, so I’m not depressed! In other news, I built up the courage to call a random lawyer today and ask for a meeting, which I’ve got. It’s next Thursday, which is a while away, but oh well. Tomorrow (actually, probably the day after, tomorrow’s filling up with a few other meetings) I’ll try to build up the courage to call the Mayor of Dunedin, an ex-lawyer, because apparently he’ll know about law jobs, and additionally he’ll have vested interest in keeping grads in Dunedin.
But you don’t just CALL the Mayor!
Do you?
Well, darn it, that’s what I’m gonna do. Like it or not. :-)
Good TV tonight… New Simpsons, Scrubs (well… I’m gonna watch it. I’m not a big fan of Scrubs, but everyone else seems to be) and LOST. I might add that our LOST party last night went OFF! Whoo! Not only did all our flat bar Gus watch it, and Scott, but Rach Brown, Esther and two of her flatmates came! Yeah, party-riffic. We had a gooood time. I’ve missed not having a TV program to look forward to every week and obsess about. Speaking of, I hear Arrested Development is back this coming Tuesday night… ooh!
Boys’ Prayer is booked for after Lost tonight, so it MAY ACTUALLY HAPPEN! And tomorrow night is Life Night (7:30pm at Elim church – again, no excuses for not being there, erm, unless you’re overseas) which I hear will rock. Although I’ve got barely anything to do with it, which is interesting! I’m getting phased out of the event-planning in Cutting Edge, which is good. A little sad, but necessary. And it means I get to enjoy things more… and clean-up more. :-)
Friday night, well, I think it’s high time Jeremy and I saw a movie. We’re getting close to getting a script idea too, just needing a little more time… our next short film MAY ACTUALLY HAPPEN TOO! Who knows… Well, Jeremy, apparently. He’s always said it would this year.
Doesn’t mean I believe the punk… Hehe.
I heard the latest Natasha Bedingfield song on C4 today...
All right, another blog. I FEEL like I’m writing them really regularly, when it’s just that the days are all melting into one due to a lack of structure. Which may be a Bad Thing. It’s March, already. That means I’ve been in Dunedin for 19 days or so. And although I’ve been doing a good amount, I can’t seem to account for most of it. More on that in a mo’.
The Oscars… were a bit of a disappointment. I enjoyed them, and wasn’t really surprised at the results, but I felt bad for Martin Scorsese. And, interestingly, I actually lost the betting to both Reuben and Jeremy. Anyways, the event’s been and gone, and the next thing to look forward to is… erm… Profs. Hehe, not quite.
We haven’t started Boys’ Prayer (Dave, David and I) again yet, which isn’t good. It’s been two weeks since we’ve all been back, I think, so we’re not doing too well. Partly, we’ve (well, David’s) been busy, but it’s also hard to get back into it after a break. And there is something I want to talk to people about. Which makes me wonder why I’m waiting for Boys’ Prayer… I guess I keep thinking it’s gonna happen soon. Maybe tonight, maybe.
Okay, so, whoa. I just wrote a couple of paragraphs about how I’m doing at the moment, and it went DOWNHILL. Yikes! They’re gone now. I went off and had a pray about it – short but really good – and I’m feeling much better. I guess that highlights how shaky things are at the moment. If I’m not uneasy about the job situation, I’m uneasy about my relationship with God. It’s those two things that are weighing me down, and it’s more important than I realize to constantly (and I mean constantly) watch those and make sure things are okay in those areas. I’m quite surprised at how vulnerable I am in those areas at the moment. Huh.
So there you go, there’s another reason my blogging’s not up to my usual frequency – because I’m in a delicate state of equilibrium that too much examination could disturb. How poetic of me. (“That’s poetic! That’s pathetic.”)
But, uh, despite this (still surprising) new discovery, I’m doing pretty well. Also treading a thin line between ‘not doing enough job-hunting’ and ‘stressing about job-hunting’, but I’m doing good. Could be better, I suppose is a good way to put it.
I’m enjoying the social things I’ve been doing, and the random (and not-so-random) people I’ve been hanging out with, because that’s always important to me (as in, I find my biggest fulfillment in positively influencing/motivating/encouraging/blessing/humouring/whatever other people – and that includes through this blog). Perhaps that’s something I should add to my daily to-do lists (hanging with people, not blogging. Although…). Which, I might add, I almost always complete these days; and when I forget/can’t make them, I end up doing less than I could. Which, erm, means I should keep making them, at least for now.
Speaking of, a few people are coming around tonight to watch the 2-part pilot episode of Lost that I downloaded, which is nice. Highly recommended, by the way.
And on that note, I’ll end this rather random blog.