This is the Self-Preservation Society…
Hey gang. I’m about to leave for the airport (well, in ¾ of an hour), and I wanna play my electric guitar before I go to Wellington (back on Tuesday, for those who don’t know), but I know I need to blog for y’all. So, in the spirit of self-sacrifice (which, in reality, has been startlingly absent from my life for what seems like a long time – more later), here is an update!
I’m unemployed again. My job finished yesterday, which I’m happy about. I finally get that break I’ve been wanting! And I finally have the time to do those things I both need to do and those things I want to do. Such as blogging, buying shoes, playing with my new toy… and it’s the start of the month of fun (it actually officially began on Thursday, with Hitchhiker’s Guide) that I’ve been looking forward to.
By the way, H2G2 was pretty good. Unfortunately, it turns out that I knew all the jokes (I blame the old BBC series), so it wasn’t too funny. And the characters weren’t that interesting to me… but the point of the movie, for me anyway, was the realisation of Doug A.’s universe, and from that perspective (especially if you wait for that last bit during the closing credits) it succeeded. So the slight disappointment I felt was not a failure of the film, but was due to me expecting the unexpected. Oooh, cool.
But what I really want to mention is actually a pretty major prayer request: I’m really far from God right now. It turns out I didn’t so much pick myself up from the spiritual down of last weekend, but let it turn into a… spiritual ennui, or stagnancy. I feel… like I’d imagine a backsliding Christian would feel. I’m in a place where God is conspicuously absent. And if you’ll allow the over-dramatisation, I’ve heard Hell being described as the complete absence of God (not that I think that’s Scriptually accurate), and I can understand why. Perhaps the most apt description is… well, when I accepted Christ, He gave me life, and life in abundance. And now I can really see the difference, because I don’t feel alive. I don’t have that inner excitement about God, or that hope for the future.
And it’s weird, because even if I get a touch of something during my prayer times at the moment, which would normally feed me throughout the day, any of His presence or whatever has faded within minutes.
I think I know why this is happening too. I asked God to give me a better understanding of / enmity toward my sin. And sin brings seperatedness from God. So it’s certainly working. I also think it could be (or at least, last weekend definately was) an attack from the enemy - and I believe that because I know I'm getting closer to God when I try...
I’m just going to pray through it, but it’s not easy, so I would seriously appreciate a little help in this one. Thanks, guys. Oh, and on the more humbling side of things, I’d also appreciate prayer for the strength and grace to resist temptation, which is just tripping me up so often at the moment.
It’s a little annoying that now I’ve got this cool-filled month coming up, I have to start it without the capacity to enjoy it as I’d like. Still, if it serves to strengthen my relationship with God… well, who knows how far I’d go to get that!? God knows!
What I was considering writing before I admitted that I needed to write the above was related to something Abbey mentioned to me – God’s weaning me off my friends. He is, in a way. Not all my friends, no, but my reliance on the general mass of friends. He’s showing me that most people I know here can and will get along quite nicely without the depth of friendship that I desire. Well, I mean, even my good friends can get by without me, clearly, but (presumably – hopefully?) I bring something to their lives that blesses/benefits them. I dunno if that makes sense. Anyways, I’m slowly ‘shrinking’ from my huge pool of friendships to a much narrower pool, and its being done in a very strategic way. So, by the time I leave Dunedin (yes, possibly in August, possibly not), the only things holding me here will be a small handful of close friends that I will remain in contact with. And Elim, I suppose. Which is quite painful, but really good. I’m thankful for it, although we all know that I like to have a lot of friends.
Wonder if that’s an insecurity-thing, hmm? Doubt it, bro, I’m secure AS! Yeah, baby, yeah, woo! <>. Hehehe.
Finally… I’m REALLY looking forward to seeing my Dad as Valjean in Les Mis tonight! Although… although I know that (especially with my reading of the book recently) I’ll be a really harsh critic… I’ll have to watch that!
Now, I’ll try and update more regularly guys. Thanks for reading!
P.S. Now my music player is playing Lou Reed’s ‘Perfect Day’. I’m putting on a smile!
Dial-up Depression
Because of Telecom's evil schemes, this extended weekend (yay!) which I had planned to use to catch up on e-mailing and blogging in (hallelujah!) has not turned out how I had thought. Because the only internet access I have had has been via dial-up, and will probably be so until Tuesday. On the other hand, I shouldn't really use that as an excuse, because I really didn't feel like writing to people this weekend. Not entirely sure why, although I know that I've had to deal with a lot of loneliness this weekend, which could have something to do with it. Turns out in all my (over) organising of social things for me to do in my non-working, non-praying hours, I actually forgot to socialise. Who woulda thunk it? But, knowing that the best friend of the blues is inactivity, I got off my butt and did something about it. Eventually.
Although, to be fair, I'm still not feeling tops. Had a 'bad' God weekend (in quotation marks because 'bad' God seasons are always His way of growing us - and this being a particularly bad one must mean it's pretty important) as well as a bad social weekend. Pile on the emotional lows (which flow from the social lows - because I had a lack of an output as well as a lack of input) and it's been pretty hard. Another reason I didn't want to write. On the other hand, this weekend has successful destressed me by giving me some precious me-time (and guitar-playing time, that's been a blessing!) and given me plenty of physical rest, which I've been needing.
Um... golly. What more do I say? I could unashamedly mention that if there's anything I need a little more of at the moment, it's love from my friends (I got my first hug in ages today, that meant more than that person realised). I could bring up the short film Jeremy and I are fast-tracking into production. I could reveal more about what I've learned from my job, for my neglected reader. I could mention my upcoming trip to Wellington or the ceroc classes that are starting... or how I feel about Profs or graduations (excited). I could discuss what's been going on with God and I in more detail (is 'brickwalling' a real word? Oh, apparently it's to do with overloading your preamp through your microphone... I'm referring to God's frustrating little habit [with me] of inexplicably placing a huge invisible obstacle between us). I could talk about my friends, or my (mini) job-offer (that I turned down because I need a break before Profs. Here's a hint for Jeremy - it was with J, K, L... CRYPTIC!). I could discuss the recommendation of a lawyer that I start getting my CV out now, and the panic that I'm trying to prevent because of that, and the rapidly approaching August deadline (I don't want to leave Dunedin then, but it's looking more and more likely!). I could mention the exciting new cooking arrangements this week, or talk about the incredible April weather. I could geek out about the upcoming film slate (which I'm really excited about... actually, it starts with Hitchhiker's Guide on Thursday... which I refuse to believe could disappoint me) or the developments in Lost, or the new cool TV show, Carnivale. I could discuss the two birthday parties that have happened recently, or the film I saw the other night (Ong Bak), or the bizarre coincidences and parallels I've noticed in my reading/film/tv shows lately, or perhaps the strange relevance of a prophecy I got in church this morning. I could discuss with a touch of pride the amount of books I'm reading, and their quality, or mention my genuine hunger for some of the things described therein (especially in Brother Lawrence's Practicing the Presence of God).
But I won't, because I need to go to bed. It's 1 am, for goodness sake! And like I said, there's really nothing to talk about.
You'r right, though. I AM such a tease.
EDIT: Well, whaddya know. Love conquers all - fast internet has been returned to us. The Lord giveth, and the Lord taketh away. Most importantly, check this quote:
"I know that most men, including those at ease with problems of the greatest complexity, can seldom accept even the simplest and most obvious truth if it be such as would oblige them to admit the falsity of conclusions which they have delighted in explaining to colleagues, which they have proudly taught to others, and which they have woven, thread by thread, into the fabric of their lives." Leo Tolstoy.
That's a double-edged sword, but eerily similar to what I've been preaching the past two weeks...
EDIT THE SECOND: Fortunately (!) the blogisphere is apparently on holiday at the moment (what's WITH that?), so I can add this now - the above blog, as read, makes things seem a whole lot worse than they actually are. Were, actually, I'm much better now. Don't freak out, or nothing. I mean, if I felt like I was in big trouble, I would have talked to someone. Still, it had to be said that I was going through some tough stuff in here (taps noggin). Blogs like this aren't a cry for help, a complaint or anything of the sort, just my attempt to Keep it Real (tm). And I know I've never faced a down time from which I couldn't pick myself back up (or get picked back up). That said, I appreciate the encouragement I've received, and hope it keeps coming! :)
6:46 and I'm a zombie
So this won't be a side-splitter, or even marginally interesting, I'm afraid. It's more of a brief stop-gap until I blog again - which may be tonight, if I have time and the inclination to write it at work. I'm bringing a floppy along just in case (I e-mailed the last one, and I'm a little paranoid that that might not be kosher for a legal firm) which also contains the entirety of Brother Lawrence's 'Practice of the Presence of God'. I'm loving having easy access to literary classics (particularly Christian ones) on the 'net. You just need to search for them.
Feeling a little tired right now. And when I say 'a little' I mean a considerable amount; when I say 'tired' I mean much more than just sleepy, with a particular emphasis on emotions; and when I say 'right now' I am referring to more than just... (checks) 6:51 am, but rather the last day or so. The definition for 'feeling' remains as per regular parlance. Wow, I just completely redefined that sentence, what a great lawyer I'd make. But yeah, I'm feeling a little swamped at the moment, largely because I've overbooked myself.
Today, for example. Work from 8:30-5:00 (with a blessed 1 hour lunch break, maybe I'll invite someone), back home to change then a drive to life group for dinner, and then driving straight (there might be a detour back home) to Dave Lim's party (which we're all presuming is at his place... should check on that). Naturally, the evening's all socialising, but don't underestimate how draining that can be for someone who is used to theire 'me' time. What worsens it is the fact that simultaneously with my desire to be alone, I want to have a lot of fun after 8 hours of work. TGI Friday, TGI a long weekend, TGI my last week of work next week.
Ah, but it sounsd as if I'm complaining. Please don't get me wrong - this job is an incredible blessing, and perhaps one of the best jobs I've ever had (although whether that's because of the nature of the job or the workplace, or because of God's grace in preparing me for it, I don't know). I'm learning so much, and even now a door has opened up for me (although I probably won't walk through it). But I'm still finding that balance between work and play.
All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy. All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy.
All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy. All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy.
All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy. All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy.
All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy. All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy.
All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy. All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy.
All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy. All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy.
All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy. All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy.
All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy. All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy.
All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy. All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy.
Don't worry, Wendy, I'm not going to hurt you. You didn't let me finish, Wendy...
"For a minute there, I lost myself. I lost myself."
Sorry. On the other end of the scale, once I snap out of this emotional flatline, there's a lot of cool stuff going on and coming up, so that's pretty cool. I really need to get onto my morning prayer session - that's the real reason I'm getting up so early, yet it's so hard to get into. I'm not a morning person! But then, neither am I a mourning person, so I'll get to it with a smile on my face. Flat injoke: I'm glad there's a smile on Myface.
Gus is a baaaad influence. Like an evil sheep. Sidekick to the evil giraffe: "I'm going to eat all the leaves off this tree. Muhuhuhuhuhuhahahaha."
That's it, I need to go.
If pride weren't sinful…
I would now be the proud owner of a Cort Electric guitar. Instead, I'm trying to be the humble owner of the same, but that's mighty difficult with such a beauty. With all the accessories (amp, strap, case…) she set me back a mighty $774, but I justified that to myself quite easily. Something to do with me deserving it or some such rubbish. Oh, and half of it is my birthday present as well, that's really helpful. Now I can annoy Flat 2, as well! Heh heh.
Speaking of insane spending (which is a theme at the moment – but I'm starting to wonder if that's just my perception of things… maybe it's not something to be ashamed of after all), I hope to buy my concert ticket tomorrow lunchtime with Mike Reeves. Which is cool because a) I get to go see the concert, b) I get to see it with someone else who appreciates it, and c) I get to hang out with Mike, which I don't think I've ever done on a one-on-one basis. But I've been planning to, and now it happens. Hooray.
I wonder if I get Anzac day off work? Apparently I need to check clause 14.4 of my employment contract to find out. I was told if I've been working for a minimum of 2 weeks (it'll be EXACTLY two weeks then), with work continuing after the holiday (check) and I was otherwise expected to work on that day (check) I should be due an 'entitlement'. Which I presume is either pay and a half, or a day off. Not sure which I'd prefer, really. I think I'm beginning to see beyond my conditioned aversion response to employment, which is somewhat immature (although not necessarily invalid)… we'll see.
In other news, I was reading Bill Hybel's 'Courageous Leadership' last night (finally! Thanks Carmi!), which starts with a chapter (actually, it's the second, but who's counting) about Vision (my arch-nemesis). It talks about reasons people might be struggle to find vision, which I'm going to keep coming back to, although none of them seem appropriate (although it did inspire me to hunt out other peoples' visions, to see if I can find one I can own). But I'm starting to wonder if perhaps all my skills, talents and most importantly passions are leading me into a pastoral or apostolic role.
Not that I really know what either of those mean exactly. On the other hand, it doesn't matter, because I could redefine it for my life. But it seems (at the moment) that the thing I'm most passionate for is encouraging people to reach a deeper level in their relationship with God. I could be wrong there, but that's pretty close. I'm not sure if that's on a one-on-one or a macro scale (as in, counselling vs. preaching, I suppose) – I think both. Which seems to automatically narrow things down to pastor/preacher or writer or some-such (although admittedly that could be done on a small scale in almost any career). But these are all just thoughts, so I'm not crossing anything off my list just yet. But it's a new direction I haven't really experimented with…
I actually wrote all the above stuff from work, which was perhaps a little naughty... but the fact is, either they don't give me enough to do, or I'm too fast. I'm going with option a). Other ways I've found to pass the time include Windows games and online books. I've found Brother Lawrence's The Practice of the Presence of God, which looks incredibly promising, and there's always Les Mis, too. Which I'm still reading, slowly but surely. About 1/3 of the way through, still haven't gotten to Paris!
Anyways, I'd best practice with my new toy. Such a chore. :)
EDIT (this almost went up top, but I couldn't be bothered. And it would break the flow): the magic of movies. Continuing the Rent series... the artices the interesting part. And for the few of you who know anything about it: did you KNOW it was set in 1983? I thought it was early '90s! How could I miss that? Or has it been changed...?
EDIT 2: There's an incredible sunrise this morning. Looks like the Staypuft Marshmellow Man's pink girlfriend exploded all over the sky.
Kill the Commentators!
Today’s mass of Bible interpreters have damaged, more than they have helped, our understanding of the Bible.
So says Soren Kierkegaard in a very interesting short piece that is worth a read. Be sure to read the whole thing, mind... although maybe I'm not talking about the article. :)
Today marks the start of the 4 month countdown to the end of my life as I know it.
… Da da DUM!
Well, it’s true. Four months from today signals the end of any plan I have for my life. Because that’s when Profs finishes, August 16. From then, who knows what happens? That could be my last day in Dunedin… ever! Or not, I’ve got no clue. Scary thought, all this. Although, to tell the truth, I really don’t care at the mo’. Probably for the best, that.
I almost bought a new electric guitar today. She’s a real beauty, and quite cheap at only $395. Plus a $165 practice amp. But the shop closed a few minutes before I was about to head down, so I might do it in my Monday lunch break… and I might get the $495 one instead, because my parents want to make part of it my 23rd birthday (1st June, don’t forget!) present. Which is nice.
Of course, Jeremy prefers the shape of the cheaper one, but the more expensive one sounds better. My only hesitation is that they don’t have whammy bars. But that’s not a big problem, I just think they’re cool. I’ll keep you updated. Watch this space. Or just keep your ears open. :-)
This has been a reasonably relaxing weekend (he says on Saturday afternoon!), which is what I wanted. Not fully booked like last weekend, only… partially booked. I actually slept until midday today. I haven’t done that since… well, since I started working, heh heh.
Had Lydia’s 21st last night, which was great fun. I think she enjoyed it too, and I hope she wasn’t too concerned about everything going well and everyone enjoying themselves… highlight of the night was definitely Abbey’s video-speech. I got a huge shock when I saw/heard her… she’s changed! Possibly because she was trying to be serious (although the outtakes shed a new light on that), and because of the glasses and the hair and I think she said she’d lost weight. And her voice sounded a little different.
It made me really miss her, though. Wow. I kinda want a copy of that video, ‘cos it was cool to see her for the first time in her new environment. But I’ve already got a stalker rep. as it is, so I might pass. And not mention this site, either.. That kinda thing could really mess with your head.
Going to see a classic film tonight, “The General”, staring Buster Keaton. Then we’re off 10 Pin Bowling: Boy-Bowls 2. Then… who knows? Quite possibly a Risk game. But I’m taking David P. to the bus terminal at 1am, ‘cos he’s going home. For 8 weeks, which will actually be the longest time we’ve been apart for almost 2 years. Which is creepy in itself, but it’s gonna be weird. Really weird. Fortunately, I have a lot of interesting things happening over the next couple of months – stay tuned for details!
What else… I’m making a commitment to praying more (I do have a specific length of time), which is incredibly hard to keep, and quite probably the worst possible time I could have made this commitment, what with my time issues from working. On the other hand, that could make it the best possible time too… we’ll have to wait and see. It’s good that Dave P.’s going now, ‘cos I can pray louder at really early hours. Hallelujah! :-)
Speaking of work – ‘cos I have to mention it – I’m quite enjoying the work I’m doing. I am a secretary (although I’m trying to get my body language to yell ‘Partner!’ when I walk to the fax machine), pretty much. Spending too much money on lunch and snacks and texting (I’m already over my 150 monthly limit, and incurring a huge bill), and also eating and drinking (coffee – and soup!) too much, and also struggling with keeping a balance between God-time, social-time, me-time and sleepy-time in my increasingly diminishing not-working periods. And it deserves more than a paragraph, because it’s both a huge part of my life (for the next two weeks) and I’m learning so much from it – about law, working, myself and God. But that’ll have to wait.
But I’ll end by re-emphasising that the upcoming months, although busy, look like they’re going to be really exciting for me… and others. Stay tuned, I’ll see y’all around!
P.S. Maybe I do have to go to this Pink Floyd concert by myself… maybe…
EDIT: Maybe I don't have to go to this Pink Floyd concert by myself… maybe… And hey, Reuben (c'mon, surely you wanna come, yeah?), I'd love your opinion on the guitars... I've heard Cort is pretty good, and they're from Twang Town, which I'm very fond of... of which I'm very fond, I mean.
A request...
I need a partner to go to a concert with. It's on Sunday the 8th of May, it's The Pink Floyd Experience: The Wall concert. I've seen these guys before, like, three times, and they are INCREDIBLE. It's a very high quality show, and it's on at the Regent. Tickets will be around $70, maybe less. Who's up for it? If you like Pink Floyd, '70s rock music, cool light shows, guitar riffs and solos, great sets and costumes, incredible vocal solos (I'm pretty sure they do the amazing 'A Great Gig in the Sky' in this one) and general funkiness, please comment or text me ASAP... tickets will be selling FAST!
Peace
Though we're strangers, still I love you
I love you more than your mask
And you know you have to trust this to be true
And I know that's much to ask
But lay down your fears, come and join this feast
He has called us here, you and me
And may peace rain down from Heaven
Like little pieces of the sky
Little keepers of the promise
Falling on these souls
This drought has dried
In His Blood and in His Body
In the Bread and in this Wine
Peace to you
Peace of Christ to you
And though I love you, still we're strangers
Prisoners in these lonely hearts
And though our blindness separates us
Still His light shines in the dark
And His outstretched arms are still strong enough to reach
Behind these prison bars to set us free
So may peace rain down from Heaven
Like little pieces of the sky
Little keepers of the promise
Falling on these souls the drought has dried
In His Blood and in His Body
In this Bread and in this Wine
Peace to you
Peace of Christ to you
by Rich Mullins, 1993
For anyone who needs a Wednesday morning pick-me-up...
Check this cartoon. And others at this site, like this one. This one is for Reuben.
GEEK ALERT:
Thursday, May 18. 12:01am. Rialto Cinema, Dunedin. The uber-cool and the lame join forces to see the final (?) Star Wars movie ever. And oh yes, they will be lining up for hours in order to get the best seats. And oh yes, they do plan on bringing a laptop so they can watch Episode 2 in the line as they wait. All who want to join us, buy your tickets NOW because they’re selling out fast!
Y’know, the Rialto lady mocked me when I complained about the lack of midnight screenings this year. But hey, there’s really nothing cooler. Nope, nothing.
While we’re geeking out, I hope everyone’s looked at the new photos that Nicola put up. Cos they’re really funny, and she went to a lot of effort. Bing, you might recognise a certain ex-life group member in there… speaking of which, have you heard about Daniel’s ‘Faith TV’? A Christian TV show he’s directing on Channel 9… you should be very proud!
This might be a short blog, because I’ve got work tomorrow. But I did want to mention some thoughts I had recently. I’ve been thinking about Christian songs, and they seem to be lacking in one area in particular. I can’t work out the name for it, but it’s pretty much the expression of negative emotions, I suppose. A lot of secular music, especially punk rock/death metal/whatever you call it, is very effective at releasing frustration and angst and stuff in the listener. Of course, the cost of this with a lot of these groups is that they sow words of death and rebellion, bitterness, selfishness and loneliness.
But I realised that all the Christian songs (that I know of, anyway… I may well be missing out on something here. Please fill me in if I am!) are all straight praise and worship, and don’t cover the many situations when we are frustrated or suffering, or God seems distant or indifferent, or even against us. And for obvious reasons, I suspect, because singing about that doesn’t seem edifying. And yet, how many Psalms start with those very thoughts? With” “My God, my God, WHY have you forsaken me?” “Oh God, why have you cast us off forever?” “Do not keep silent, oh God!” “How long, oh God? Will you forget me forever?”
Would it not be a good idea to have Christian songs that express this frustration, then? I know I often look for a song to cry out my emotions to God when I’m struggling, and only find them in secular music. Most of the Psalms end with the psalmist turning to worship God in the end, so perhaps a similar structure would work.
Thanks for all your comments, by the way.
Finally… this has been a very interesting few days. Some crazy things have happened, both with other people (which I can’t/won’t discuss) and with me. I felt a reasonably strong identification with Indra’s School of Pastors discussion on Sunday morning. She was talking about counselling, and – especially when she listed the qualities a good counsellor needs – I felt like that was meant to be a part of my life. Somehow. As in, I want to counsel people, not be counselled. Very interesting thoughts. And I’ve been seeing how that, and other things, could actually fit in with a law job. And how I’m constantly struggling seeing doing anything secular as being worth anything near what full-time ministry would be worth. That’s a confusing sentence. But whatever I end up doing, I need to see that there is incredible value in doing whatever it is to the Glory of God. Someone mentioned Brother Laurence to me… does that name ring a bell with anyone? A monk of sorts, I think…
Mind’s a bit fuzzy, but that’s partly the sleeping pills kicking in. But then, I haven’t really been able to think or speak what I want to today anyway… strange thought there. Night all!
I want to be famous
That was the smaller of two revelations I got the other night, whilst trying to sleep (that’s one bad thing about having a good quiet time at night – no sleeping afterwards!). I wanna be famous. Famous how? Not important, really. Not infamous, but I want to be known. I thrive on that. The question is why. Again, the answer is not a satisfactory one. Actually, I don’t even know if I know the answer. I don’t think it’s an insecurity thing, a need for more love… I think it’s because I like to be held in regard by others. Which I suppose I believe is an inevitable consequence of being famous, which is a pride thing in itself. I want to be appreciated, that’s probably more appropriate.
I want glory.
Ah, yes. Lucifer’s downfall. Hubris. It is a big… issue with me. I’d say problem, but I really don’t feel like it’s a problem at this point. But it is, isn’t it? I mean, it should be, right? Why? I guess I truly believe that I’ve got something to offer, or maybe that I deserve to be famous. I know I have a habit of downplaying my weaknesses to myself (and others), which basically translates as a dulled recognition of my own sin… that’s possibly my biggest issue that I’ve realized at the moment. And it’s incredible that the worse off you are, the harder or the blacker your heart, the greater the grace; the greater the hope. Jesus came to save me from my pride, and He will. He has.
But on a more practical note, where does this leave me? Funnily enough, last night I got another revelation, linking this to the previous revelation (that of grace over works) – “God gives grace to the humble”. Straight from the Bible, that is (Prov. 3:34), and now it’s written on my heart. How does this fit in? My struggle with works rests on an ignorance of grace; my desire for fame from a failure to be humble. Which I need grace to overcome. It sounds circular (I need grace to be humble, but only the humble get grace – that last part’s wrong), but it’s not.
What is humility? I’ve heard it said “humility is not thinking less of yourself, but thinking of yourself less,” but to be honest, I’m not sure I agree with that. I dunno why. Maybe because I fear that I have too high an opinion of myself. I’ll have to think on that one. How can you be humble if you don’t know what it means? I’d love some feedback on all this, guys!
On the other hand, Jesus was famous, so it must be about the motive – for God’s glory. And that motive comes from being humble. That makes more sense… and to some extent, that is part of the motive, of my desire. But by no means the most part of it.
As the Paul Coleman Trio once sang: “Who can change a heart, change a motivation?” God. Through His grace. In concluding this matter, I need God’s help. Again, the simple answer solves the complex question, like Alexander’s Gordian knot (which I wish they’d put in that movie!).
There was another revelation, but… it might have to wait until I have more time. I’ve got it written down (but I won’t say where, in case someone raids my room!). Speaking of my room, I can now see out my window! And into the house next-door! The landlord has done some MEGA gardening… and I for one welcome our new, proactive overlo… I mean, landlord. It’s such an improvement, and very exciting.
Speaking of very exciting, I’ve finally finished my data entry job. Yay! In other news, I’m back at ALC, the law firm I worked for before the PGG data entry job, from Monday. For three weeks. Which is pretty exciting – although I was kinda looking forward to not having a job. It does mean I could very possibly…
… buy an electric guitar.
Okay, with that thought floating around for a bit, check this out: the one sheets for Charlie and the Chocolate Factory. Now, I’m gonna enjoy this movie. I’ve always wanted to see it remade, and if anyone can pull it off, it’s Tim Burton and Johnny Depp. But the trailers got me a little scared, to be frank. But with these one-sheets, and a short TV Spot of Willie Wonka giggling and telling someone (Grandpa?) “You’re really weird!”, I think it might actually be pretty… funktastic. And I don’t say that lightly.
I got attacked by a fly last night. Y’know when you’re just about to go to sleep, and you notice a huge fly flying around your room? And you start getting scared that they’ll land on your face while you sleep, or you’ll inhale them? Yeah, well, I got the Fly Spray, but this punk was FAST and unpredictable! It took me a good 10 minutes to kill him… doesn’t help that I have a high ceiling. And when he FINALLY karked it, we does he decide to lie? Right in the middle of my PILLOW! I mean, doesn’t he KNOW how big my room is? There are a million places he could have died, but he chose the middle of my pillow! Argh! Luckily I had a spare pillow case, but that was certainly a pyrrhic victory, if ever there was one.
And, after seeing Almodovar’s (it turns out we’ve been mis-pronouncing his name all along, J: the accent – the emphasis – was on the second ‘o’) ‘Bad Education’ (a very intelligently made film, but with disgusting content: stay away!), Dave P. and I hung out in Carmi’s room (which I’ve NEVER DONE before!!!) with her and Alice. Just hanging. Seems like so long since we’ve done it, but it was really cool. Got into some cool conversations, and I stole (borrowed) Carmi’s copy of Bill Hybel’s “Courageous Leadership”, which I’ve been looking for for ages. So that’s nice.
And today? Saturday… Life group at 2. I think we’ll be doing a Bible Study, for the first time in ages (I recently realized the emphasis I’ve been placing on ‘doing’ rather than ‘being’ in my life group – and my life, obviously). And I’ve got to go shopping before then, buy some pants, get my watch fixed… hopefully it won’t be a too-busy day. And hopefully tonight I’ll do something like last night. Hang out with some good people.
On that pleasing note, it’s shower time.
Some links before I blog...
For those of us who are still unemployed, or looking for their dream job...
And some photos from Easter camp, courtesy of Nic Lowe. Hopefully there'll be more later, until then, more are on Dave Lim's blog.
In other news, I WANT ONE!
Last thing... WHAT IS HAPPENING TO THIS WORLD???
As promised, here is Act II of tonight’s opera
(Written on Saturday) I’ve got so much to write about. And so many people to write to, but that’s a side issue. I want to talk about my thoughts about and during work, but I feel a need to talk about a revelation I got during leaders’ prayer on Friday at 5 (which is a fortnightly thing, for those who don’t know).
Dan got us to focus on Jesus and hear what He’s saying to us (I just cut 20 minutes into 14 words… then again, I came in late ‘cos of work anyways), and tell Him what we wanted to see. So I started telling Jesus about the biggest desire on my heart right now – to do something for Him, something cool. Literally as soon as I started speaking, He interrupted me (in retrospect, this is akin to that verse saying that He knows our words before we even open our mouth) and said, “Why, Sam?” Boy, does He cut straight to the point, or what?
Now, the proper response to this question is something like, “because I love you so much!” But we all know (well, okay, some of us do) that when Jesus asks us a question, there’s no hiding the truth. It’s actually impossible. That’s not to say I don’t love Jesus – He knows I do. But He also knows the real, main reason I want to do something for Him: to get His approval.
Or something like that, I haven’t properly worked it out yet. But as soon as I told Him that, I realized how wrong that was. How I’d completely misunderstood the concept of grace. There is nothing I can do to make Him love me more. Nothing. I still don’t know how I feel about that, except vaguely liberated. Fact is, I don’t understand grace.
But the incredible thing about this revelation was that, for such a small, quiet revelation that didn’t seem like a revelation at all… well, it’s huge. It affects so much of who I am. All my issues are touched by this discovery. Obviously there’s my continuous, nagging desire to do something more for God, which is a good desire, but from the wrong motive. I don’t deserve God’s love. I feel like I need to do something more, so that I can deserve it.
Eranu. Wrong answer.
This also works the other way around – I won’t LET God love me properly, fully, because I know I don’t deserve it. If anyone remembers, this corresponds to a revelation I got back in November (October?) when Steve Gwyn was praying with me, that I’m afraid to let God love me totally. And this doesn’t stem from a lack of self-worth… I know I’m a sinner, but I still have no concept of how bad that is, so I still struggle with saying that I’m worthless.
Instead, this stems from an intellectual concept of justice and legalism. Like Jonah 4:9-11.
I THINK it would be wrong for God to love me like He does. So I won’t let myself feel it, because it’s unjust. And when this makes me hunger more after God’s love, I think I must earn it through actions, deeds, works. Let me reclarify that I ain’t dissing works. And I know I’m not doing enough for God (or do I? Is there actually a level I should be attaining? Or is that still the legalism talking?), but the revelation introduces the concept of grace.
So those are all very interesting thoughts that I’m still working out, that I wanted to share with y’all.
And now, Sunday evening. This weekend has gone by so fast, because – as I mentioned – I’ve overfilled it. I’m getting a little frustrated with not having enough free time, but I’m dealing with that. Had a most excellent (“Most excellent, Bill!” “Most excellent, Ted!” “Most excellent, Rufus!”) party on Saturday night; kinda an impromptu thing that was a huge success. It was great that it wasn’t all just Cutting Edger’s – a bunch of J’s mates and some girls from flats one and two came, and it was cool to see everyone getting along. And everyone seemed to have fun – and it was packed. Which I always appreciate, although I couldn’t move much. The fooseball table was, as predicted, another large success. Go figure.
And went to Steve and Indra’s for ‘lunch’ today (lunch = lunch, desert, games, chats and in this case, an open fire) until about 7pm. Really fun, good food. After the three people I had asked to think about coming all piked (and fair enough), I randomly asked Rachael Brown and Pamela (a first year student), and they came. It’s amazing how many people haven’t experienced a S&I lunch… it’s an incredible thing. Rach was shocked as to what she’s been missing all these years. Dave probably enjoyed it too, he seemed to. Although I’m sure he got grumpy after losing at croquet to Pierre and I. Hehe, just kidding – it’s impossible to tell when Dave’s grumpy anyways. Actually, that’s not always true either, I’m slowly picking it up. After four years.
What else… went to the St. Clair Salt Water Pools with Jess on Saturday morning. I’ve been in Dunedin for over four years, and never been there. I called up to check that they were going to be open – yeah, yeah, they’d be open. They weren’t. Very weird… it was quite good, though; still got a chat with Jess in, always good, and got to have some unscheduled ‘me time’, which I’m thankful for! And we can go back another time. Dave Hawkes is keen to go, too.
Can’t believe it’s April already. A quarter of the year has gone. Have I gotten as far as I wanted to get? Yeah, I think I’ve done pretty well. How about you, hmm? What have you done that you believe in, and are proud of? :-)
To conclude… the revelations keep coming. There’ve been two more since the above one, of similar quality and magnitude. I might blog about them, depending on the interest…
Yeah, that was cheap. :-)
Postscript: I've finally passed 10,000 hits, after slightly over a year. That's pretty good, but no match for Abbey, who was originally my competitor. I don't think her recent 'incident' will set her back any, either. Pity. ;-)
TGI (almost) Friday
Wait… has it really been four days since my last (proper) blog? What have I been d- ooooohhhhhhh. Right. The ‘w’ word. Time flies when… well, actually, no. Time doesn’t fly when you’re doing boring work while you’re trying not to stare at the computer clock every two minutes - time ‘flies’ when you don’t have time to do anything other than work, but that work is so repetitive it melts into an indeterminable blob, and even then time’s only flying in hindsight.
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That was written on Thursday night. The title made more sense then. I came online to blog, but got sidetracked by MSN. That happens. It’s hard having a social life. Or it is when you work 45 hours a week! True story… especially when it means setting a 10pm bed-time. Shuddertastic. Still, five more days to go. And yet, oddly, Friday’s day at work was almost enjoyable. I’d be quite curious as to why if we hadn’t prayed a lot about it in Boys’ Prayer the night before.
This is an incredibly busy weekend. Or it is for me. I think because of the extreme lack of regular social activity that a working week forces upon you, I overbooked myself this weekend. Whups. One of these days I’ll learn. I do prefer being busy to not having anything to do, but that’s a close call. I’d much rather a balance. Or perhaps some really busy days next to some really not-busy days. Maybe. I’d have to try that.
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That was Saturday. It’s now Monday, and I’m sort of jumping back and forward with this blog, due to a weird cut ‘n pasting thing I’m doing. So I inserted this paragraph to mention that yes, that was an April Fool’s joke, no WAY am I stopping blogging. Yet. I appreciate your ‘concern’, though. It was a real half-hearted effort, I couldn’t be bothered going the whole hog. Glad to see it still made a few waves. We’re now going to jump from Saturday’s blogging to…
Monday night, and this is probably going to make two blogs here… or it may already have done [Editor’s note: yes, yes it has]. Got off work 45 minutes early today, which was a humongous blessing. And to the list of things God is teaching me through this job alone, I add “how to keep abiding in Christ.” It’s a bit of a struggle, but God’s definitely showing me that it’s possible, and I already know that it’s so important. Man, I’m LOVING this closeness of the Spirit at the moment… I mean, He could still be closer, but oooh it’s good. It’s giving me strange hungers, like preaching, and reaching the lost. I was even considering being a pastor, at some stage today.
It makes me wonder, maybe the reason I have no vision, no dream for the future (bar the ever-present desire to have God closer) is because I’m not ready to accept whatever God has in store for me. Like, now – or especially a couple of years ago – I would have hated, literally hated, the thought of having to be a full-time evangelist. Now, even though it’s not something I’m comfortable with, it’s all the more feasible. I can see how it could be a passion, if that’s what was meant to be.
And I’m disliking offices more and more these days… I thought I’d quite enjoy the structure, and the socializing, and the vision and respect. But I haven’t really found that. I mean, obviously I’ve only been temping, but… yeah. Dunno about that one.
It’s my Christian Birthday today… three years! It feels like such a long time, and has still undoubtedly been the best time of my life. I still have the odd flash when I think of myself as a Christian and think – ‘that’s weird!’, because it’s so not me. Well, I mean, it’s so not the old me. Er, by definition, I guess. Three years… that’s still so young. It’s exciting to think that I’ve still got so many years with Jesus here on this Earth, it really is. Getting to grow closer to Him…
Golly, I feel so verbose nowadays… must be all the work and the lack of thinking. I could talk for ages. In fact, I was looking forward to going and hanging out with someone tonight (work really brings out the socialite in me), but I need to play guitar, because I’m not getting much playing in these days. Well, relative to the past few months. Which was, like, almost two hours a day. Yeah. Anyway, by the time that’s over, it’ll be 9pm, and my bedtime is at 10, so… wow. Maybe tomorrow.
Ooh, life group tomorrow night! That’s something to look forward to. Hey, have I told y’all about the life group I’m leading this year? It’s cool, we’ve… well… maybe I should save that for another blog. I’ve been meaning to finish this post for three paragraphs now. I’m already up to 1,700 words, so this is definitely going to be split in half. Half now, half tomorrow. Otherwise I’d be a hypocrite, eh Bing? Heh. And, to be weird, I’m going to cut out the middle half.
Cut out the middle man AND SAVE!
EDIT: Check out Abbey's blog for more Saminfo, answering your seven favourite questions!