Don't make me use my handbag!
Tuesday, February 28, 2006
I’m a real blog!
Subtitle: Notes from the John (that’s where mankind’s best thinking is done).
So I’m working on a way around this blogging drought I’m experiencing (and causing plenty of suffering to you, I’m sure). Let’s see if this will work. Forgive me if I accidentally put two spaces after a full-stop at times, that’s the way we do things at work. It’s the legal way. But that’s enough about work. I’m making a consciously daily effort (I’m making dozens, actually, but this is the relevant one) to avoid letting my work overwhelm me (as in me the person). Unfortunately, when I get home, that’s all anyone wants to talk about, which makes things a little tough. That’s the price you have to pay for having an interesting job.
One of the first things a blogger questions – and indeed, ought to question – is why he or she blogs. Check out some of my early blogs (and your own!) and you’ll see that this is an important consideration. Because that is the fuel that keeps our blogging going. And when we understand that, we can encourage ourselves to post when we don’t want to (which is probably more often than you realise). Why do I blog? Well, I’ve got good reasons. Reasons that I have been into plenty of times before. But there’s another reason which is less valid, that underlies the others. One that’s not so pleasant to confront.
But let me backtrack. I’m starting from the conclusion here, when the real story is in the discovery. A recent incident in my life – yes, that’s all you’re getting – caused me a bit of grief quite recently. Which would be fine, except that I was quite surprised at how much grief it caused me. Which, psychologically speaking, reveals that the incident touched a much deeper nerve than I expected. And the best way to find that nerve is through the spiritual diagnostic tool (yeah, so I’ve been watching HOUSE again, sue me!) of prayer. Tearful, real prayer. As a complete aside, I’ve found that the only really honest prayers in my life are when I’m crying, usually about some internal pain. Which is why I sometimes build up the courage to ask God to give me more pain, and less comfort. Now that’s a prayer to fear.
A prayer to fear. Hmm. I could almost turn that into a song.
Where was I? Oh yes, my issues.
I’ve been feeling distant from people lately, no matter how much I socialise. I think that’s because I don’t have the depth of relationships here that I want (probably because I’ve got less time here, and a lot of friends – don’t you dare say ‘too many’). But I’ve noticed that part of me has been longing for someone (anyone – well, almost anyone. Actually, only certain people. But that’s another story) to take an interest in me. Someone I can talk to who actually wants to hear about what I have to say because it reveals me. My family have been great with doing this, although it’s not quite the same. There are other issues there.
I guess I blog because (well, one of the reasons, at least) I want people to say that my life is important. Or valuable. Or funny, or interesting, or worthy of envy, or discussion. It’s pride. In 1st John, John talks about “the pride of life” being a sin. Without a concordance it’s hard to say, but I guess I take that to mean (among other things) saying “my life is better than yours (or hers, or, God forbid, His).” Or “I deserve to have a good life.” Or something.
But it’s not just pride. It’s not just a sin, it’s a weakness. It’s a need for acceptance, for love, that sin has twisted into pride. See, I naively thought that I had overcome the need for acceptance, but that was only superficially true. While I don’t care that I’m in a lowly position earning low wages, or that I’m not driving a fancy car, I do care that some people (no-one in particular, just someone, anywhere) would think that my not caring about that is positive. I do care that people pay attention to me, sometimes.
And while that’s not a despicable thing, while that’s not uncommon or bizarre… it’s not how it’s supposed to be. And so I turn back to God – not because I ought to or even really want to, but because I know that people are unable and unwilling to fulfil my needs for love and acceptance. I trust because I must. There’s no other solution.
Of course, in no way does this mean that I’m gonna stop blogging. :-)
I should also mention, as a postscript, that this is just another part of a cycle (or perhaps it’s preferable to zoom out and see it as a sine wave, that’s more accurate and less depressing). For unknown (to me) reasons, I keep turning away from God to fulfil my needs elsewhere, precisely because He doesn’t fulfil them. Or because I think He doesn’t. Or because He doesn’t as often and as specifically as I demand He does. And yet somehow – and this is probably the miraculous thing – I keep returning to Him. Left on my own, I think I would have given up on God long ago – not because He is faulty, but because my understanding of Him is. But He has given me, in His grace (which I can’t doubt!), enough trust – reckless trust – to say “stuff it. Maybe it didn’t work out last time, but that don’t mean it’s not going to work this time.”
Someone said, once, that insanity is doing the same thing you’ve always done and expecting a different result. Someone else said that the Way is considered foolishness by wise men.
Sunday, February 26, 2006
Wow... time flies when you don't have much of it.
That's how the quote goes, right? I'm finding it hard to believe it's been so long since I blogged. Good heavens. I'm thinking of ways to get around it, don't you worry. Anyway, hi! How's it going?
.
.
.
I really have very little to say. I went to the Central Baptist Church again today (next week it's a 9am, so I'm going elsewhere, but I'm thinking of going back again), which I'm liking... I think. Work is like weed, it destroys your enthusiasm, creativity and sense of time. Um, so I hear. Anyway, the only way to rebuild creativity is to force it - actually, that's a lie, that doesn't usually work, but I'm going to try, otherwise you'll be waiting another week for a blog.
Thanks for your comments, last time (and thanks for the forwards, Charissa, I appreciate them!).
Actually, I think I'm coming down with a cold. I haven't had one for a very long time, so I don't feel bitter about it. Louise seems to have one (although I haven't seen her for a week, so I don't think there's a connection), and someone at work. Speaking of work, there are so many funny (and many scary) stories - unfortunately, especially due to the delicacy of the area we're dealing with, confidentiality means I can't disclose them. Not on the internet.
Last night was cool. I went swimming at Oriental bay with Phil, Sharon, Dave and Rach. Bing came later, and we grabbed some fish 'n chips. Without fish, and with a lot of burgers. Mmmm. And played Risk, which we didn't finish ('cos, you know, 6 of us), but nominated Phil as the probable winner.
Hmm. Any other news? No. Nothing. Nada. Zilch.
BUT, y'know, I'm sure that next time I blog (which I hope won't be this long a wait, again), there'll be something INCREDIBLY EXCITING to blog about. Actually, I've got nothing to base that on, but there ya go.
Wednesday, February 22, 2006
Rats...
I've got a lot of interesting stuff to talk about here, but I really have very little desire to blog. Or e-mail. I just wanna blob out in front of the telly (thankfully, I taped House and Boston Legal last night, and Lost is on in 30 minutes). Buuuut... wisdom prevails over the will. For once. Unfortunately, there won't be much deep thought going into this one (that part of my brain is worn out).
I saw CAPOTE last night (meaning I've finally seen the Best Pic/Director nominees for the Oscars). Good film, will probably get best actor, nothing more (I presume it's not up for best adapted screenplay...? I could check, but can't be bothered). The many interviews in prison with the murderers, aside from reminding me strongly of DEAD MAN WALKING, brought to mind the work we're doing at, er, work. Sadly, I actually dreamt I was at work on Saturday night - or rather, that work was at my place, and files kept getting added to my inbox. My inbox being my pillow.
Anyway, work is quite intense at times. Not just the constant barrage of work and phone calls, but the actual content. The letters, the statements, the interviews. I mean, I'm handling it fine, but... yeah. Tough stuff. I actually thought the other day 'New Zealanders are all, "Abu Grahib (or however it's spelt) is so bad, thank heavens it doesn't happen in this country", but this stuff is so much worse.' And I think it's true. This ain't putting a tennis ball in a kids mouth or making girls stand outside in their nighties. This is so very much worse.
Anyway, enough of that. I can't talk about it, so I won't even test that line (God knows I do too much of that anyway). It'll come out eventually.
Gee, it's hard to keep work from devouring your life, or at least pervading it. That's always been one of the worries I've had about getting full time work. No amount of pay is worth selling your life for. But yes, this job doesn't 'stretch out to eternity'.
I went to a different church last Sunday. Central Baptist. And I quite liked it, to be honest. Actually, God really spoke to me this weekend about getting back on track with Him (because let's face it, try as I might, I so quickly lapse into doing my own thing since I've been back in Wellington). I got quite excited about it, but keep screwing it up ever day since then. I don't know if I can realistically be a Christian at work. That sounds more extreme than it is, but the fact is, there's nothing I can do to keep my mind or heart stayed on God when it's focused on work. The obvious answer is that I can't, but God can do it for me. I dunno, I always get so distant from God at the end of the day, whatever I do or don't do.
Anyway, learning curve and all, impossible as it is, I'm not going to give up trying. Or not trying, but trusting. Or something. Maybe I do think too much. That's cool. I had some very interesting thoughts on murder and sin and some contraversial thoughts that were sparked by CAPOTE, but like I mentioned way up yonder, not now. Hopefully later. But I may have moved on by then.
Two more weekdays. Exhausting days, but good days. I have to be careful how I view them. They're opportunities, they're blessings. They're Good. Whether or not I believe it during or after, they are Good.
And so is life.
Saturday, February 18, 2006
It's been... one week since you looked at me...
I really don't want to blog. And I don't want to reply to the various e-mails I am ethically required to reply to, and soon. Flip. I think we all need to pray that my work gets internet for all computers, and quick. No-one wants to see this trend to continue.
Today Phil and I broke into his work (an all girls' school) and swam in the pool. That was nice. Tonight... might... be lonely. I didn't really think through planning tonight until, well, now. Story of my life. Not literally, that would be a dull story. Speaking of dull stories... no, this isn't the time or place. But I was talking to two separate people yesterday when I finally realised that I am so dull when talking about myself. It's like, because it's not easy for me to do, I make an extra effort to be accurate, specific and exhaustive. And bore people. Gosh. I blame this blog for getting me in the habit of doing that. At least here I can think about what I say before I say it, that makes it more... interesting.
One would hope.
I saw NO. 2 last night, the New Zealand film about a Fijian family. I thought it was suprisingly good, I really enjoyed it. It's normally the kind of movie I wouldn't enjoy - to put it mildly - but yeah. Wow. And it's the first film this guy has made. And it won the audience award at Sundance.
I wanna make a movie! Thankfully, Jeremy expressed an interest today too, whilst talking about flatting. I was thinking today about all the things I want to do - work in movies, act, sing, play music, perform, etc (annoyingly, all things that require other people to assist me)... and I'm so frustrated with myself. That which I will to do, I don't do; that which I will not to do, that thing I do. I think that applies to many situations. But frustration, yeah, that's a key word in my life. And possibly combined with fear of regret, too. All these things I want to do - and not do... all these things I want to be... and have...
I wonder if it breaks that commandment about coveting. Thou shalt not covet thy neighbour's... career? Self-control? Connections? Dreams? Ministry? Relationship with God? Are these things covered by that commandment? Food for thought. I know that I ought to be content, in all things. And I'm far from it. At least, when I have time to think, I am. But we manage to keep ourselves so anaesthatised with work and plans and media and friends and all this that we don't have to think.
Ugh, this blog went downhill fast! But I'm constantly riding a tide of frustration, that breaks every so often, and it's important for that to be acknowledged.
To the comments:
Carmi - Patience is a virtue. Like your face.
Gus - Funny you should mention the Gee-Gee - our parliamentary contact has just informed us that the ex-GG's daughter, the Minister of Arts and Culture, wants to wine and dine us next. And did I mention that our meeting with the PM actually made the 6-o'clock news that night? Anyone see it?
J - As mentioned, I forgot Crash, but yeah, I think Munich was better than GN&GL, and Walk the Line.
Justin - You're wrong, bombs are cheap as. Otherwise suicide bombers would have to get jobs first, and then it wouldn't be worth it for them.
Carmi - No he doesn't. Stop hogging my comments.
Nam - Yes, I am awesome.
Abbey - I see your point, and raise you a toothpick. I have been leaving comments though, just not in the most recent posts (because you post 5 times a day). I thought you'd bloglined your comments?
Thinking back to Dunedin now, 5 months on, it feels so distant. Dunedin friends up here are now Wellington friends. I miss... lamp. Wait, I mean, I miss... certain people. But it feels like I've moved on now, that that lifestyle - incredible as it was - wouldn't fit me any more. So I guess my role now is to carve out a lifestyle that does - and one that I enjoy.
Wednesday, February 15, 2006
They did not eat pudding.
Well, BROKEBACK MOUNTAIN wasn't really what I expected, in many ways. MINOR SPOILERS FOLLOW. For a start, there were 2 heterosexual sex scenes and only 1 homosexual one. I thought it was all about, well, you know. In that sense, all the homophobic hype (and a lot of the non-homophobic hype) was rather uncalled for. It was, on the whole, a very touching movie - not about forbidden love per se (as I presumed), but more about... forsaken love. It was hard not to cry at the end.
It took me a lot of time to get into it, actually. Largely because I hate Heath Ledger and struggle to see Jake Gyllenhal as any sort of cowboy. But they eventually pulled it off (except I didn't believe JG was 39 at the end). Similarly, Ang Lee's directing was rather... plain. But solid. Anyway, the hype was the selling point of the movie (despite what the trailers tried to tell you - I don't think they even hinted at the gay aspect) - but it's not that different from other movies, it doesn't really break any taboos that haven't already been broken.
So there you go. It's a good film (although I wouldn't recommend it to those who can't stomach it). MUNICH deserves to win Best Picture and Director, in my opinion. Actually, in hindsight, Ang Lee's directing in that film is growing on me. It's quite subtle.
Enough of movies. Yesterday, I had lunch with one Valentine and then dumped her for another. Okay, not quite true. I had lunch with Pam, who works at Parliament, and three of the B&B cast. Pam is well-known on the theatre scene, she likes to adopt people has her grandkids. Like we were. And we did it yesterday because it was the first day Parliament was back. And the media happened to be there in force. We almost didn't notice Don Brash being interviewed on camera right next to us as we ascended the stairs, joking loudly. But we couldn't miss Helen striding towards us down the corridor. Especially when the camera turned toward us as Pam introduced us to her, and she shook our hands. Which was nice. I'll tell you what, she looks much better in person than I was led to believe.
So, that was my brush with fame for the day. Had another one today, when a well-known TVNZ journalist popped into the office to thank us for our assistance with a segment that won her a big award. It's all go with us.
Yeah, work. It's good. I'm enjoying most of it, now. I wish I had, say, three hours less of it every day. That would be nice. 9:00-3:30, I could do that. 8:30 to 6:00 is just tough. Then again, there's not much else going on at the moment, so that's all right. I'm trying to find something to spend a WINZ WorkStart grant on, in terms of work-clothing, but there's nothing suitable (no pun intended!) so far. Well, there is, but you know. Nothing I LIKE. As for a cellphone... yes, I intend to get a new one, but I thought the e-mail capable ones cost a bomb? I'm really not earning that much, especially considering that I'm hoping to be flatting soon... And I do need a few other things too...
Did I mention I met Helen Clark? Oh, I did? Yeah, we're like THAT
True story.
Monday, February 13, 2006
Day one.
It went well. And it went as expected.
What do I even say here, huh? What can I say? It's a job. It's not hard, but it's not easy. It's very busy. It's 8:30am until 6pmish. And as I look at it now, from this side of it, I kinda dread going back. Not because it's a bad job, or even a dull job. But because it's a job.
But, back I will go. And I'll do what I do, over and over and over.
Dreary post, huh? Surprising. I think I kinda enjoyed it while I was there. Funny people, no-one there is dull. And I got straight into the work - no 1 week settling-in periods. There was someone there to guide me through, but she left early because I was picking it up so well. It's a job that I can do well.
They don't have the internet.
Well, they do, but I think it's dial-up, and they only have one account. Sounds weird for a law firm, I know. They don't even have the computers networked. Oh well, so it's different than what I'm used to. I'm going to have to find some other way to take a brain-break other than checking e-mails. Or blogs.
I suppose the best part of it all is that I seem to get on quite well with everyone there. I wouldn't say we all have the same sense of humour, but we all seem to have one. And you kind of need one when you're dealing with all this kind of stuff.
What more could I want from a job? I'm not sure. Hopefully I'll find out by having this one. I think the question I'm trying to discover is how can I glorify God through it? Or perhaps more appropriately, how can I accept that what I'm doing (or how I'm doing it) is actually glorifying God, and then do that better/more? Because nothing else matters in this world (or the next), it really doesn't.
But sometimes I wish it did.
Sunday, February 12, 2006
The very end of Intermission
In eighteen hours I will officially enter the professional work-force as a full-time, permanently appointed legal secretary. True story. I wonder if I can blog from work... I'd feel pretty uncomfortable doing it - at first, at least. It's going to be a very interesting week.
I feel a bit like the moment in a bungee jump just after you jump off the platform and you realise that whatever you do you’re going to fall and it will be scary. But also somewhere you know it will be ok so you’re not terrified out of your brain. I’m not worried in the sense of not knowing whether I’m ready or whether I can do it or whether all the solicitors will think I’m incompetent or whether the clients will throw tomatoes at me. I’ve got all the training I need to begin well and I’ve shown that I can secretary (that's a verb, now) well (although not very consistently well). It’s just scary because it’s a new challenge. And I love new challenges. I will probably thrive at times and flounder at times, but that’s all part of learning how to be a better secretary. To be honest, I feel a bit meh about telling people that I've got a job, and then telling them it's as a secretary. Silly, really, but there it is.
In other news, I went to see Munich last night. I was very, very impressed. Best movie I've seen all year. It's like Spielberg does The Godfather Part II meets Apocalypse now. Loved the cinematography, and it was so intense (partly because we were in the front row!). Very violent, which surprised me (too graphic, in my opinion, although in that 'Passion of the Christ'-I-can-kinda-see-how-it-was-necessary sense), but definately very Spielberg (lots of father/home motifs, for example). Great gritty '70's-style cinematography too, which helped with the Godfather parallel. Very good film, if you can handle it. Only one thing made it a truly excellent film, though...
The RENT trailer.
OH YES!!! Parmount played the RENT trailer! And they had the poster outside! Which fits J's investigations revealing a mid-March release date. OH MY GOSH I am excited. In part because I really really really want to see it (I don't think a single film has ever excited me this much, although LotR came close), but possibly more because I want everyone I know to see it. So if you know me, and you're in town... expect to be forced to see it. With weapons, if necessary (yeah, you think I'm exaggerating). Sweeeeeet.
I might also confess that I didn't yelp or scream or whatever I promised to do many months ago. It was a very packed theatre, and my companion didn't really know me too well. No excuse, I know. I'm a liar.
There are rumours that it might be one of the next shows done in Wellington, which excites me to no end. Hopefully the film's release will add more heard to that rumour. And make it less controversial, which is the reason I've herad that it might not be done.
On that note - controversial films - I'm pretty sure I'm going to see BROKEBACK MOUNTAIN. In fact, I think that it's quite important that I do. I've been doing a lot of thinking about homosexuality recently, and our reactions to it (concious and subconscious). I think also, as a Christian, I need to be informed about such an important issue (the movie, that is), so I can have my own opinion. Finally, as a film buff, it would be very difficult to miss such a high-profile film. I'll let you know how it goes, but there you have that, too.
I went to Brendan's church today, and I'm having some quite revolutionary (for me personally, that is) thoughts about church. To be honest, I love church, and people... but I'm currently disliking church services (this is not at all a comment on Brendan's church - I'd be much less subtle if I wanted to make a comment like that!). Perhaps - at least for now - my personal church needs to be in a different form than the usual. On the other hand, I believe that I need to belong to a church congregation, in some form. That's just another stage in my thinking about church that I thought I'd fill you in on.
Farewell dear readers
Sam (who is cool, but not too cool for law. School. Law School.)
Saturday, February 11, 2006
My job.
I'm a nasty man, hiding that in that last paragraph. But yes, I have a job. A full-time, permanant job. Yes, I know it's hard to believe - you're not alone in that! Almost 6 months after leaving profs (5 months post-admission), I have a job. A job which I start in 40 hours. Gulp.
So what am I doing? I'm working for a lawyer who is dealing with 'historic abuse claims'. This is a high-profile series of litigation cases from hundreds of claimants against various institutions (government, religious etc.). I'm naturally wary of what I divulge on this blog, including my personal feelings, but this is a good area for me to be working in. If law is the way I'm going to be going, this is the kind of thing I want to be dealing with.
So that's good. Interestingly, I'm not going to be a solicitor, not at this stage. Although that's what I applied for, the firm had an urgent opening for a legal secretary - and they saw that I had done that. The idea - although it's not written on paper - is to make me a solicitor in a few months' time, if that's appropriate. And that's definately what I have in mind. Until then, I'm the secretary.
And I don't have to wear a suit.
It's still all sinking in, but there ya go. I'm employed. Which is nice, considering WINZ was forcing me to attend a meeting on Tuesday morning to give me "qualifications and employment". Well timed, God. It's quite funny how quickly this happened - I was called on Wednesday, interviewed on Thursday, got the job on Friday. I should also add that I was praying on Tuesday that I'd get a job this week. The last time I prayed that prayer I got my temp job. I should really learn to be more specific in my prayers. Hmm.
More details when I get them. I really appreciate all your support and prayers, I should mention, during this time. It's been really tough at times, but you've all really helped me through, and I'm truly grateful. Especially for the prayers, that's such an overwhelming thought, knowing that people (often quite a few) are praying specifically for you. I can't repay you.
Thanks also for your hidden article, Gus. I've saved it for future reading. I'm not going to give up on my dreams now that I have a job, that's for sure. Hopefully this new routine and stability (and money) will give me a new angle to examine my dreams with. Hopefully.
Tonight, I think I'll go to MUNICH. The movie. Tomorrow, I think I'll go to church. And see Becs. And now, now I can start considering flatting. Which is nice.
Friday, February 10, 2006
Love... is a burning thing.
I saw two movies yesterday. Making up for lost time, I think. Not LOST time, that's different. Good episode, I guess, on Wednesday night. I forgot how frustrating that blasted show could get. Funny how absence really does make the heart grow fonder. Not Fonda, that would be weird. Absence makes you (heart) Jane Fonda. Or Peter, even worse.
Where was I? Oh yes, love. I mean, movies. Two movies. The first was DOMINO. Which proved that a bad director can take a bad story, a lot of cash, some good actors... and make a terrible movie. Ick. Still, it was what I needed, a bit of schlock. Sometimes you need to eat grotty food to get back into the habit of enjoying good food. And speaking of cash, I saw WALK THE LINE with Brendan. Muuuuch better than Domino. Toe-tapping goodness, I think that was how I described it. Longer than I thought it'd be, but quite compelling viewing. And they used a lot of his (it's about Johnny Cash) songs - although not my favourite (currently 'I Hung My Head', although 'Give My Love to Rose' is up there). Understandable, given his rather lengthy career. And they played a Dylan song in there, too, which you have to give them props for. You do.
Saw Rach Brown on Wed. Or was it Tues? I don't know. Great to see her, either way. And Becs is in town tonight, hopefully coming to life group. Wucked. Yes, Wucked. That's how the cool people say it. You know, so I hear. Hey, it's Friday. That makes it almost the weekend, which is good because, y'know, that means I don't have to work. Ahem. D'you ever get that feeling of 'I'm sure there's something I'm supposed to be doing'? I get it all the time. I think it's more to do with having so much free time, because nothing bad ever happens if I ignore that feeling. So far.
Speaking of feelings, Walk The Line (I won't spoil anything) raised quite a few within me. I had a big chat with God afterwards. Okay, I'm lying, it was a rant. And it was kinda one-sided. What about? Not what I thought it was going to be about when I started, I'll tell you that.
See, Johnny has some issues in the film. And I found myself really identifying with them - not so much the issues, but the weakness within him that allowed him to get into those things. I've hinted before that I'm currently quite abrasively aware of my own weaknesses. I guess the film brought it back to home for me. I couldn't say "Bad Johnny, for doing those things", even though I haven't done them (or, not recently), because I know that potential is still there. If I were in his shoes, there would be nothing holding me back from doing exactly like he did.
A terrifying thought, I believe. Especially considering how, as a Christian, I'm supposed to have Help with such temptations. So my rant was going to be about "How come you're not helping?" Or, more accurately and honestly, "God, I scare myself. I need your help. I'm worried that - based on my experience - you won't be there when I need you in the time of tempation. Or that you'll be there, and I'll scorn your help." Anyway, that rant didn't get very far, because I started pouring my heart out about - of all things - wanting to be a musician. And how I'm scared of looking back in 5 years' time and regretting not joining a band, and how I don't even know if I'd be any good, and really I'm just doing law because it's the safe choice, and that's the worst reason, but I don't know whether I'd have it in me to do what I really want to do, and where are You and why aren't you backing me up on this one, or giving me guidance? Anyway, it's kind of a moot point, because I got a job today. I start on Monday. It's mean of me to just throw that out there in the middle of a sentence, but it's there to reward those who read this paragraph. Hehe. I'll give more details shortly, but I'm quite excited and scared. And of course, thankful. But it hasn't sunk in yet, that after all this time... yeah. Hence why I'm burying that in this monster paragraph. But yes, it's for real. And it's quite good.
See you soon...
Wednesday, February 08, 2006
This would make a good blog...
... I thought, noticing the clock flick over to 4:30am. I rolled over to my right side, but there was no way to make that comfortable. I rolled onto my back, with a sigh, and the nausea rolled back with it. I returned to lying on my left side, and put a pillow between my knees, while clutching another to my chest. That sometimes helped, I thought to myself, as I pulled the eyemask down once again.
Dah dah dah dah dee-dah... there's that blasted song again. Why can't I get it out of my head? And I don't even know any other lines. In fact, I'm sure I don't even know this one properly, yet I've sung it non-stop since I turned off the light, more than 4 hours ago. Maybe I should listen to it, and get it over and done with.
Why can't I sleep? Man. If only House M.D. were here, he'd solve it. And it would be funny, it always is. He'd be, like: "Why am I dealing with this patient, he's just an insomniac, right?" Yes, but not usually to this degree. "What degree?" Well, this is the eleventh night in a row he's had difficulty sleeping. "So he's having a bad run." Not quite. He normally lies in bed for a couple of hours, but gets off eventually. "And now?" Well, he either can't get to sleep for four or five hours - like tonight - or he gets off after a couple of hours and wakes up in the middle of it, and can't sleep for another couple of hours. "Well, heck. Give me five minutes to go antagonise my boss and ex-wife, which will invariably highlight my own emotional baggage in a way that is strangely related to this case."
"I'm back. So, the patient. Problems at work?" Unemployed. "Well, what's the problem? Why can't he just sleep through the day?" It doesn't work like that. He has things to do. Besides, he can't really sleep past nine, he sleep next to the kitchen. "Fine. But that's it, he's unemployed, that must be stressing him out, hence the sleeplessness." Perhaps. But he doesn't feel that stressed, certainly not like he has felt in the past, and with less effects. "Caffeine?" He's careful not to touch caffeine or sugar after 5pm, much as he'd like too. "Fine. I'm off for five minutes to antagonise the rest of my team, who will invariably complain to me about a certain aspect of my emotional baggage."
"Back. Significant life events? It started, what, 11 nights ago? What happened then?" Closing night party for a musical he was in. "Well, there you go. A dramatic shift in focus and purpose, if you'll excuse the pun, is bound to throw you off balance." Not this much. "Right. Well, give me five minutes, I have to go antagonise my only friend in this hospital who looks vaguely like Richard Dean Anderson, who played MacGuyver, and who will invariably say something that makes me reconsider my emotional baggage."
"Now, clearly it's the sudden lack in physical exercise since the show." No, comparable amounts of physical exercise haven't rectified the situation. "Has he tried pills?" Yes, with varying success. He's just come off his latest prescription, which seemed to be working. "Wait, back up. He came off his prescription? Cold turkey?" Yeah. "That's it, he's obviously going through withdrawals. The fool obviously forgot to consult his doctor before finishing his run, probably because he ran out of pills. I'm off to re-evaluate my emotional baggage in relation to this issue, and will return next week the same as ever."
That's what it would be like. Well, except if it were really HOUSE, there's be a parallel storyline with a completely different case that somehow interweaves with this one. But that would require too much effort, and I'm sleepy. Besides, I need to prepare for tomorrow's 8am job interview. Good night!
Erratum
In a follow-up to yesterday's post, I would like to correct a mistake I made. INVASION did not screen at 8:30 on TV2 yesterday, as I reported. It screens tonight at 9:25, directly following LOST.
CRIMINAL MINDS was the show that screened at that slot last night, opposite HOUSE. While I'm here, I'll add that HOUSE was a very good episode, although it's getting very formulaic. The characters (well, primarily House himself) are really interesting, as are the cases, which makes the formulaicness forgivable. Similarly, BOSTON LEGAL is getting incredibly formulaic, but it has even better characters, and also interesting cases. And both shows are quite funny.
CRIMINAL MINDS, on the other hand... looks like it could be very formulaic. It's quite similar to HOUSE, actually, but with a criminal psychologist ('behaviour analyst'). Which, incidentally, was what I always wanted to be as a kid. True story, there. Sadly, none of the characters are that interesting - fortunately, the case was (this was the pilot show).
So, all these shows are very similar and, yes, formulaic. They thrive on interesting characters and cases, and strong production values. And for me, that's good enough. Even the best of shows get repetitive (such as LOST!). Heck, even BUFFY only had two real episode lines (1. 'Monster of the Week'; 2. 'Monster of the Season'). You manage to overlook these things.
ADDENDUM: Today's word of the day: Mamihlapinatapai (click link for definition). I dare you to use it in a conversation. It's a good'n.
Tuesday, February 07, 2006
I didn't know you could GET blisters on blisters...
All right, I want to write a big post, but it has to be reasonably quick. Because, surprise surprise, Tuesday has suddenly become an excellent TV night! Why, you ask? Well, naturally BOSTON LEGAL is on, but that's nothing new. HOUSE returns to the slot right before it too, which is great news! And, as two added bonuses, TV2 has a new show (INVASION - supposed to be really good, although it looks like it's just been cancelled in the States) at 8:30, and TV4 has Little Britain at 9:30. So the VCR is going to be getting a good workout - at least, tonight.
And we all know that LOST starts again tomorrow.
And that's just the TV shows. Did I mention how healthy the movie line-up is at the moment? With WALK THE LINE out on Thursday (officially), I now have (officially, again) too many films on my To See list (for those of you who know me: yes, I actually do have one. On my whiteboard. Don't raise that eyebrow at me, young man/woman! That's young man OR young woman, not 'man/woman'. I don't think I have any of those reading. Not that I'd be prejudiced if I did. I think. More later). Contrarily - wait, that's not even close to the right word. Let me think.
Paragraph breaks help me think.
Right, let's just use 'coincidentally'. Not that that works much better. Coincidentally, I also seem to have an excess of friends. Or at least... hmm, that sounds really bad. I'm a little socially overwhelmed - but not exhausted. Not overwhelmed, precisely... but a lot of friends want to hang out with me at the moment, and at the same time, I want to hang out with a lot of my friends (no Venn diagrams here, but there's not a huge overlap). Quality time, that is. And no, I don't have a To Do list for my friends.
And then there's my huge e-mail backlog. One would think I'm not unemployed. And there are other things I am procrastinating about doing, things for my Mum... Too much. But it's good, I'm liking it.
I should mention the weekend - it was pretty fun. I enjoyed hanging out with my family (weird, I know!), and I learned a lot about each one of them, which surprised me. The walk itself was pretty good (Kate and I ran for about 45 minutes at the end, packs and all, which was crazy, but good fun. Except for the abovementioned blisters!), but spending time with the family was the best part, in retrospect.
I bought two books today - Ruthless Trust and Abba's Child by Brennan Manning. Both of them. I can't afford them (why is it that Manna doesn't put any of the good books on sale, no matter how old they are???), but I also feel - in part - that I can't afford not to have them. I mean, they're just books, but they bring me so much closer to God, I can't get enough of them. Anyway, I spend in faith. Faith that I'll get a job soon. Which isn't really faith, because I'm pretty sure I will anyway, at least a temp job.
Finally... how do I even say this. Bear with me for this confession, of sorts. But this past week, or two, I am really seeing how easily and willingly I fall into sin. I say this without attempting to draw any contrary opinions based on appearances, nor to seem humble, nor for any reason other than... I don't even know. What compels us to reveal our wretchedness? Fear of keeping it hidden, or fear of being hypocritical? Well, whatever it is: I am a terrible witness for Christ. I am so very ashamed of my Christian walk. I have done things, do things, and plan to do things that are hideously antichristian, anti- everything Jesus stood for. If only you knew...
And yet...
And yet I know that Jesus loves me in spite of all this. I know that. And I am afraid of using that as licence to be worse. And I know that God can and will use this hideously flawed vessel. I know that He is not finished with me. But good God, how evil I am!
I have to add that this shame - which is not without reason, I will warn you - has had one very positive result in me: I am suddenly so very, very slow to judge.
Friday, February 03, 2006
One more post...
The more I 'read' (audiobook) Dostoeyevsly's Notes from the Underground, the more I realise how well he captured - of all things - the psychology of the blogger. Check it out...
I will tell you another thing that would be better, and that is, if I
myself believed in anything of what I have just written. I swear to you,
gentlemen, there is not one thing, not one word of what I have written that I
really believe. That is, I believe it, perhaps, but at the same time I feel
and suspect that I am lying like a cobbler.
"Then why have you written all this?" you will say to me... Isn't that shameful, isn't that humiliating?" you will say, perhaps, wagging your heads contemptuously. "You thirst for life and try to settle the problems of life by a logical tangle. And how persistent, how insolent are your sallies, and at the same time what a scare you are in! You talk nonsense and are pleased with it; you say impudent things and are in continual alarm and apologising for them. You declare that you are afraid of nothing and at the same time try to ingratiate yourself in our
good opinion. You declare that you are gnashing your teeth and at the same time you try to be witty so as to amuse us. You know that your witticisms are not witty, but you are evidently well satisfied with their literary value. You may, perhaps, have really suffered, but you have no respect for your own suffering. You may have sincerity, but you have no modesty; out of the pettiest vanity you expose your sincerity to publicity and ignominy. You doubtlessly mean to say something, but hide your last word through fear, because you have not the resolution to utter it, and only have a cowardly impudence. You boast of consciousness, but you are not sure of your ground, for though your mind works, yet your heart is darkened and corrupt, and you cannot have a full, genuine consciousness without a pure heart. And how intrusive you are, how you insist and grimace! Lies, lies, lies!"
...
But can you really be so credulous as to think that I will print all this
and give it to you to read too? And another problem: why do I call you
"gentlemen," why do I address you as though you really were my readers?
Such confessions as I intend to make are never printed nor given to other
people to read. Anyway, I am not strong-minded enough for that, and I
don't see why I should be. But you see a fancy has occurred to me and I
want to realise it at all costs. Let me explain.
Every man has reminiscences which he would not tell to everyone,
but only to his friends. He has other matters in his mind which he would
not reveal even to his friends, but only to himself, and that in secret. But
there are other things which a man is afraid to tell even to himself, and
every decent man has a number of such things stored away in his mind.
The more decent he is, the greater the number of such things in his
mind. Anyway, I have only lately determined to remember some of my
early adventures. Till now I have always avoided them, even with a
certain uneasiness. Now, when I am not only recalling them, but have
actually decided to write an account of them, I want to try the experiment
whether one can, even with oneself, be perfectly open and not take
fright at the whole truth. I will observe, in parenthesis, that Heine says
that a true autobiography is almost an impossibility, and that man is
bound to lie about himself. He considers that Rousseau certainly told lies
about himself in his confessions, and even intentionally lied, out of
vanity. I am convinced that Heine is right; I quite understand how
sometimes one may, out of sheer vanity, attribute regular crimes to
oneself, and indeed I can very well conceive that kind of vanity. But
Heine judged of people who made their confessions to the public. I write
only for myself, and I wish to declare once and for all that if I write as
though I were addressing readers, that is simply because it is easier for me
to write in that form. It is a form, an empty form--I shall never have
readers. I have made this plain already ...
I don't wish to be hampered by any restrictions in the compilation of
my notes. I shall not attempt any system or method. I will jot things down
as I remember them.
But here, perhaps, someone will catch at the word and ask me: if you
really don't reckon on readers, why do you make such compacts with
yourself--and on paper too--that is, that you won't attempt any system
or method, that you jot things down as you remember them, and so on,
and so on? Why are you explaining? Why do you apologise?
Well, there it is, I answer.
There is a whole psychology in all this, though. Perhaps it is simply
that I am a coward. And perhaps that I purposely imagine an audience
before me in order that I may be more dignified while I write. There are
perhaps thousands of reasons. Again, what is my object precisely in
writing? If it is not for the benefit of the public why should I not simply
recall these incidents in my own mind without putting them on paper?
Quite so; but yet it is more imposing on paper. There is something
more impressive in it; I shall be better able to criticise myself and improve
my style. Besides, I shall perhaps obtain actual relief from writing.
Today, for instance, I am particularly oppressed by one memory of a
distant past. It came back vividly to my mind a few days ago, and has
remained haunting me like an annoying tune that one cannot get rid of.
And yet I must get rid of it somehow. I have hundreds of such reminiscences;
but at times some one stands out from the hundred and oppresses me.
For some reason I believe that if I write it down I should get rid of it.
Why not try?
Besides, I am bored, and I never have anything to do. Writing will be a
sort of work. They say work makes man kind-hearted and honest. Well,
here is a chance for me, anyway.
Long Weekend
And it's been a long week too, I might add. But yes, tomorrow the family heads off early in the morning to check out the Martinborough Fair on the way to do the Tongariro Crossing.
It'll be interesting, but I can't say I'm excited by it. In particular because I'm feeling very frustrated with my stagnant life at the moment, and it doesn't seem like this would help at all - on the other hand, I desperately need to get out of this house!
BUT... I'm not going to be negative. You wouldn't believe how many posts and sentences I've deleted while writing today, because they express so much of my negativity. I know, I know, I'm totally not into self-censorship, but there IS a line. And I'm in a place where that line is so tempting to cross, just for the heck of it.
It's been a while since I've done this, but for those of you who will, I would really appreciate your prayers right now. Things are really tough, tiring, and dark. I guess, if anything, I need hope. Yeah. The hope to carry on. That would make a good song title.
(A tumbleweed rolls past...)
It IS a good song title. It was kind of a joke. You know, ha ha. Maybe you should pray for a better sense of humour for me.
Well, that's it then. I'm out of here until Monday. A week which I will force myself to look forward to. I might even get a job, you never know. You never know.
Thursday, February 02, 2006
Oscars 2
Just some more notes on our favourite awards ceremony:
Will Indie Movies Pummel Oscar Ratings?
Movie critics and commentators who originally questioned whether a romantic film about two gay cowboys would be able to attract a mainstream audience are now wondering whether it will doom the Oscar telecast. Brokeback Mountain, which appears to have a lock on the best-picture Oscar, may have defied industry predictions and become profitable, but it has not been seen by a mass audience, the way Titanic and the Lord of the Rings movies were before they helped draw big ratings for the Oscars. Indeed, as several writers have observed, virtually all of the films in the top categories are small low-budget films, none of which has risen to blockbuster status.
Los Angeles Times entertainment writer Jim Bates observed today (Wednesday): "All you need to know about how hard it will be to get people to watch the Oscars is that a nominated documentary about penguins has been watched by more moviegoers than any of the five best picture contenders. Or that four out of five people tuning into the broadcast will not have seen any of those movies in a theater." And New York Post entertainment writer Don Kaplan observed today, "ABC may be staring down the barrel of one of the lowest-rated Oscar telecasts in recent memory." From imdb.com
Here's an interesting, humourous (and brief) look at the probable Best Actor winner...
And a few facts:
- This is the first time since 1981 that the best director and best picture nominations have honored the same five films.
• George Clooney was nominated for best director for "Good Night, and Good Luck" and for best supporting actor for "Syriana," marking the first time a director nominee has been tapped as an acting nominee for a different film.
• Fourteen of the 20 slots for acting awards are filled by first-time nominees.
• Four of the six nominees for acting awards have won Oscars previously: Judi Dench, William Hurt, Frances McDormand and Charlize Theron.
• This is the first time since the animated feature category was introduced in 2001 that none of the nominees were produced primarily through CGI.
• With two nominations this year (in the original score category), composer John Williams becomes the all-time leader for nominations in the music category with 45.
• John Williams now ranks second only to Walt Disney on the all-time list of individual nominations. Disney racked up 59 nominations.
In personal news... I ate pizza for lunch again. I would have tried something healthier, but my weight keeps dropping. And I haven't slept properly since last Friday night, which is more intriguing than annoying. I'm sure the heat and lack of exercise (including mental) have a lot to do with it.
Good heavens, it's February already. And it's Scott's birthday - congrats, old chum!
Wednesday, February 01, 2006
Show's over, folks, nothing to see here.
I got a little bit of the post-show blues yesterday. Yup. I miss it.
I had a pretty fired-up prayer session at midnight last night, it was great, but painful.
I went to Dave's new flat yesterday evening. Good to see him.
Comments (thanks to all):
Dave, Samwise the Brave actually earned his name prior to Mordor, but we'll let that one slide. But we'll see about the sweetheart thing.
Gus, that's a sweet link. Cheers.
Lyds, a little late for one of them, but I'll incorporate your tips into my next one!
Kristy, wow, thanks. I love you too. It hit me, reading that comment, how long it had been since I heard that. Or maybe it just feels like a looong time.
In other news, Oscar noms are out, and at the risk of sabotaguing any betting chances, here are my thoughts:
- Actor in a Leading Role should be interesting... Heath Ledger is most likely, of course, but I'd put Joaquin close behind (not that I've seen WTL yet - it's out next week)... I think. Very close.
- Supporting Actor will probably be Paul Giamatti, after his SAG win, but Clooney and Gyllenhaal could be picks too...
- Actress could be Reese or Huffman, so I hear. Although Judi Dench is always a favourite, and Charlize Theron is still an Academy darling. I refuse to accept that Keira has a chance.
- Supporting Actress is a bit murky. I'd say Williams at a pinch.
- Animated Feature... hmm. Corpse Bride is the only American one, but it's probably too Burton. Wallace and Gromit could get the sympathy sorry-to-hear-you-lost-all-your-work-in-a-fire vote, or Howl's could get the Japs-are-cool vote. Who knows.
- Art Direction - they'll probably throw Kong a bone here.
- Cinematography - dunno, but I want Batman to get it!
- Costume - I reckon Memoirs of a Geisha.
- Directing... oooh... Brokeback, with Crash getting an outside chance. I'm assuming a Brokeback semi-sweep.
- Documentary - I hear the penguins are cool.
- Short Doco - God Sleeps in Rwanda sounds enough like Hotel Rwanda to win it, but I'm just stabbing in the dark (which we established is a dangerous activity...)
- Editing - um... Crash?
- Foreign - Joyeaux Noel, I guess. Based on the 'I haven't heard of any of the others' paradigm...
- Makeup - Narnia
- Original Score - I dunno. Brokeback? Haven't heard 'em.
- Original Song - Only three this year, INCLUDING "It's Hard Out Here for a Pimp" from Hustle and Flow. Which means they're going to perform it. Hehe.
- Best Picture - Yeah, yeah, Brokeback.
- Animated Short - 9. Because it's really short.
- Live Short - Six Shooter, because cowboys use them, and there are cowboys in Brokeback.
- Sound Editing - War of the Worlds?
- Sound Mixing - Give it to Narnia. Nobody even knows what this category means.
- Visual Effects - Give Weta (I mean, Kong) another bone here.
- Adapted Screenplay - could be Brokeback, but Constant Gardener could be the surprise...
- Original Screenplay... Crash?
So there you have it. Oh, and Altman's getting an award too, which is nice.
See you around.