Don't make me use my handbag!
Wednesday, March 29, 2006
Justin the Conqueror!
I remember the first time I met Justin. The purple-haired guy (well, he was at the time) was clearly suffering from a mild form of PTSD. Every now and then he would sort of fade out of lucidity, stare off into space and mutter something about bananas. But we got on fine. As I got to know him, he revealed his secrets to me, in piece by piece form, as if he were the writers of LOST (he needed a special Justin: Revelations! episode). But he were not, nay. It turns out (and I hope he doesn't mind me revealing this) that his brother attacked him with a piece of banana cake when he was but four years of age, getting it all through his beautiful, shiny hair. This was just one of his traumatic banana-cake experiences.
As our relationship grew, I began to encourage and challenge Justin to face his fears. I started by yelling out "BANANA CAKE!" when he least expected it, especially during a conversation with him. Next, I left bananas around places that he would frequent (which led to an amusing incident where he mistook a wild chimpanzee for Dan). To cut a long story short, I built him up to the point where he swore to me, "Sam, one day I will devour a piece of banana cake." To be honest, as supportive as I was, I thought that this was just boasting and fluff on his part. If I had been through the experiences that he had, there is no way I could make such a claim. I've only heard what happened second hand, and to this day I can't stand the taste of bananas.
But he has done it. And how! Not only did he indeed devour a piece of banana cake, but - good God - he consumed two! I don't know how you finally built up the courage, the fortitude, and the appetite, but my word, man, my hat is off to you. Bravo. Bravo, I say!
.
My new cellphone arrived today. It's nice. Trademe is surely the best way to shop for many such items.
So, no-one actually (well, REALLY) discussed that piece I posted previously (try saying THAT ten times fast whilst whistling "For He's a Jolly Good Fellow" and writing "the quick brown fox jumped over the lazy dog" backwards 87.3 times on a meerkat!) Shame, but at least some of you read it. My gut feeling is against the stand, although I agree with some of the sentiments. Firstly, the writer's reasons are a) embarassment (not a good reason; and b) a protest against a hazy conception / definition (not a good reason).
I considered doing something similar about a year ago. While on the one hand I believe that not calling oneself a "Christian" because of semantic (or similarly linguistic) reasons is in fact an insult to Christ (as, of course, are the countless antichristian things done in His name), but I also believe that the benefits of keeping the name outweigh the other side.
Perhaps my biggest concern is with labelling in general. The author's intention seems to be to preserve the credo that to be a Christian is to have a relationship with Christ (no more, no less). Even by dropping the label "Christian", he must by necessity aquire some other label (e.g. "someone who has a relationship with Christ") which would suffer (eventually) from exactly the same issues as the label "Christian". So my point is that the label shouldn't be the focus. That's cutting off the nose to spite the face (no, YOUR face). The issue is society's understanding of "Christian".
Which, perhaps, is why the strongest testimony of Jesus Christ's reality is not any deed some Christians did or do, but what YOU do as someone who is recognised as a Christian.
Also: Note the follow-ups to the post.
On the other hand, I concur that "Christian" has little meaning. When old friends find out I am a Christian, one of their first questions is "what kind/brand/denomination are you?" Which I know translates as "are you one of the WHACKY ones, the JUDGMENTAL ones or what?" Which is one reason I am careful about saying that I am a Christian (alternately, it is important that people know that about me...). On the plus side, the "denominational question" is a good one, because it lets me elaborate. It lets me say that I'm not part of any denomination, but that I follow Jesus (actually, I'm a bit more eloquent and comprehensible than that). I will say what church I go to if they're still interested, but I think it's so important (at least to me) that being a Christian (such as me) is not being legalistic, gnostic, eletist, rule-bound, gay-hating, fun-hating etc. It is freedom from those things.
Okay, I'm getting confused (not in my thoughts, in my expression). Why did you get me onto this topic at 10 minutes past my bed-time? Fiends! Off I fly!
Tuesday, March 28, 2006
Monday, March 27, 2006
"I am not a Christian."
Discuss.
P.S. Don't think this gets you out of reading the post below this one, I KNOW most of you haven't... you might be surprised on what you'd miss if you did... :-)
Sunday, March 26, 2006
6, 6, 2, 20,000!
It's time to blog. I've set aside this time to blog, and maybe answer some e-mails. What would I be doing if I weren't blogging? Not playing guitar, I just did that (mainly Johnny Cash songs - I played all the ones I have last night for my mates. Dave, Bing, Phil and his Argentina Diva came over. Man, his voice is deep. Johnny's, not Phil's. Mostly singable, though. Mostly.) Which is why you'll notice I'm selecting words that can be typed mainly with the right hand.
Okay, that's a bald-faced lie. Still, interesting thought.
I could be planning my life. That's quite tempting. I'm wanting to write my commitments on my calendar. I'll do that later. It makes me feel busy, and important. A nice feeling, but quite idolatrous. Yes, like your face.
Or I could continue my hunt for a new cell-phone. My search has become a priority for me, now that my phone is actually dying on me, and not just slightly damaged. It's an incredibly confusing market out there. The only feature I really want is the ability to get e-mails (thanks to Bing's suggestion!). Video-calling, movie trailer downloads, digital cameras etc are all good and proper, but I can't be bothered with them. A nice, $300 phone will do me. So I don't think it'll be a 3G. Unless... maybe I ought to get a 3G. In case I need it later. I'm so confused! And THEN there's the question of where to buy it? The Trusty Vodafone store? The less-trusty parallel importer store? The ruthless Trademe?
Well, I'm getting to the point of scrapping the research and just buying one. It's only money.
On that note, I've been thinking about money a bit today. I think I need to start budgeting. I have an odd tension within me between wanting (naturally) to spend it thoughtlessl (on food, entertainment) without caring about it because 'hey, it's only money', and between wanting to ration it so that I can use it (give it away) wisely. And, I guess, there's the world's pull telling me to ration it for myself, to save it, 'just in case'. It's all very confusing, too. Fortunately, I really don't have much of an income, so the choice isn't that vital. But I think I should look at being a little more careful. I've bought my lunch every day, which I feel quite bad about. That's 30 bought lunches.
Which is the first 6 in the title: 6 weeks I have been at my job, as of last Friday.
The second 6 refers to the fact that tomorrow is my 6 month anniversary of returning to Wellington. Which makes it officially 'home'. True story.
The 2 refers to my sitemeter (bottom of the page), which is 2 years old on Thursday (as is Abbey's, I think? Yeah. But she has had almost twice as many visitors!). Which leads nicely into the 20,000: I have now had 20,000 visitors! THAT'S cool. 10,000 a year. Which is about 30 a day. Just over one an hour, which doesn't sound too spectacular. But I'm happy. Who was the 20,000th visitor? Well, it's a little confusing. It's someone from Brunei. Who came here from Justin's blog. I know we know people from Brunei, but who do I know who's there NOW?
So here I am, puzzling over that, listening to The Hunting of the Snark. Wondering about flats and flat-hunting. Thinking about the almost-confirmed trip to Auckland in four weeks' time with Dave and Jeremy. But most of all, thinking about the Jack of Hearts.
A few replies:
Scott (sneaky, commenting on the old post, eh!) - I've always wanted to see Baron Munchausen, I've heard good things about it. Terry Gilliam is quite different from David Cronenberg! Heh. Interesting thoughts about imagination vs. reason... Glad you're reading Crime and Punishment! Be careful, I know I got a bit freaked out when I started identifying with the protagonist... loved it, though. My favourite Doestoyevsky (although Notes from the Underground was great). I'd love to read some Nouwen, Brennan Manning always quotes him. Let me know what it's like - and your thoughts on Brother Lawrence's tPotPoG (I presume that's what you mean)! I'll probably miss Jess's graduation. And Bing's. Can't win 'em all.
Michelle: Hey hey! Glad to know you still look in!
Chris: Dude! Totally! You know, I've written you two e-mails (LONG e-mails) since you left Dunedin, before realising that I couldn't find or remember your e-mail address! So, thanks for getting in touch with me! I think I've deleted them now, though. :-)
All right, I know long blogs don't get read too much, so I'll leave this here. And I expect it to be here when I get back
EDIT: Oh.
Wednesday, March 22, 2006
Why the black? You look like you're goin' to a funeral!
Well, maybe I am.
It's a little bit funny going to a funeral of somebody you never met or spoke to. You want to empathise with those you are going to support, and yet you feel weird expressing emotion over someone you did not know. Simultaneously, you may grieve over the loss as any death is tragedy, and yet you may be conscious of the possibility of faking (to some extent) emotion due to expectations and environment.
All in all, it's been one of those days.
One of the things I thought about (the psychiatrist didn't bring it up, but it may have sparked some memories) was about how - although I am coping really well - my life is full of huge stressors right now. There's the things I've blogged about, but they're really only a snapshot of what's going on. And one of the things we learned in Psychology was that stressors (stressful or significant life events, ranging from deaths/divorce to looking for a new flat/house) - whether or not you would say at the time "this is stressful" - add up. So you can't judge them in isolation. This thought concerns me more than any overt issue. The idea of a building, invisible psychic force within me. On the other hand, I'm actually surprised at how easily/smoothly I feel things are going at the moment. Things are... well, great.
As I mentioned, I had a session with my psychiatrist last night. I've always wanted to say that. For those who just tuned in, it was a work-related thing that we all went to as a group, because things have been chaotic recently (like, well, having a funeral) at work, and we needed to de-stress. Interesting psychiatrist, actually. He served on the Truth and Reconciliation Committee in South Africa. He basically gave us a refreshed look at what we were doing, helped us to step back, find healthy work practices, detach where necessary, share... To be entirely honest, it wasn't anything new or even that helpful to me, but I'm glad we did it (and will do it again, in 6 months or so).
Actually, it was kinda like a secular version of a cell-group, in some ways. Sitting around in a circle, chatting about life, helping each other... No food, though. Hehe. Speaking of, I went to cell-group afterwards - Rach and Sharon's Wellington Elim one. That was fun, although I felt out of place (well, duh! That's what you get when you crash a 12-person social group!). Monday was RENT again, which was, well, still cool. Draining, but still cool. Like me.
I found out about my audition tonight: they asked me into the chorus. Well... a little disappointing, I guess. In fact, given my audition, it's what I would have expected (and hoped for - at least this way I know the standards must be quite high!). What let me down, I believe, was my acting and my lack of experience. Which was probably fair enough (my improvised acting was pretty bad! I was just not prepared! Then again, it's my first proper audition since... well, 2000.) Anyway, I said yes, so we start rehearsals next Sunday. Another musical. Already! And on that note, an Auckland trip is looking probable: 22-25 April. Watch this space, Aucklanders!
The other good news is that I had a talk with my boss today and she basically confirmed my suspicions/hopes that they are definately looking to take me on as a solicitor (yes, a proper lawyer) when the previous legal secretary returns to work (maybe around Easter?) Which is exciting - although since it's still not 100% confirmed (given the secretary's health), I'm reluctant to celebrate. On the other hand, I'm pretty sure it will happen. So, yay me!
There's a thought: I've hardly talked about my job on here, yet I seem to bore everyone about it in real life. Obviously a lot of it's privileged information, but I could still explain. I will, sometime. I wonder why I haven't yet?
The OTHER thing (I'm so very very busy. That can't be helping with the 'stressors' count!) is that I'm training to be a volunteer solicitor. Unfortunately, the class is full so I'm training in the student class (my life is currently full of minor disappointments like this [and the show, and the job-hunting, and the flat-hunting etc], yet so far they don't actually disappoint me. Again, I'm suprised by my fortitude [excuse the trumpet-blowing]. Which I think is the point: God is using these disappointments to show me how far I've come. So far, only good has come from them. They're like pyrrhic victories, but backwards. Pyrrhic losses.) That'll be quite full-on too. We train this weekend.
Did I mention we have a work dinner/night out on Friday?
Wow, I'm a little concerned that I'm doing too much stuff. But this show is a one-off, and the training only happens every so often, so I'll just have to grit my teeth and bear it. God, please give me strength!
So, bedwards. But I feel like responding to those precious few who decided to comment on my last post.
Jean - I wonder if you'll read this... THANK you for commenting, and for the texts. I've been thinking how much we need to catch up - I'm working on the Terrace again, you know what that means: LUNCH! I'd be interested in seeing Brannie's show (or rather, seeing Brannie!), but I think I'm a leeetle too busy. How sad. Text me. :-)
Abbey Grabbey - I didn't get your "I SHOULD TELL YOU" the first time I read it. Well done! I'm still so stoked that you enjoyed the movie. I always get worried with showing people (whose opinions I care about) something I love (so openly). So, nice. And yeah, thanks for your comment about the church (and the e-mail!)
Auntie D - I still read your blog, every time! I know I'm not a big commenter, I keep forgetting my password! Hah. And I'm not much of a commenter these days anyway. But thanks for your understanding remark. Mmm.
Luzette - Hello! Thanks for dropping by! How did you find me? Hey, you're from Hastings, what church did you go to there? We may have mutual friends... Thanks for the message, hope your church-hunting goes spiffing too! Who knows, maybe I'll run into you in Auckland (if I do, I'm sorry. Pink cars are so hard to steer).
S'long!
Sunday, March 19, 2006
Church?
I'm about 93% certain that I've found the right church. I've been praying about it and talking about it and procrastinating over it and complaining about it for quite a while. I've been going here, Wellington Central Baptist, for the last six weeks (bar one).
It's kinda interesting how I ended up there. I was praying about it when the words "Wellington Central" popped into my head in a strong, clear way (God, naturally, but I hardly ever hear Him speak like that!). I hadn't heard of Wellington Central Baptist at that point, so I presumed it meant Bing's church, Wellington Central church. I'd been to Bing's church quite a few times, and decided (although I liked and approved of it) that it wasn't for me - I really got nothing from it. So it was a little uncomfortable to think I was meant to go there. So I saw it as a bit of a sacrifice, but surely God would work something out.
Then a friend of mine from the show pointed it out to me, saying she went there. I only later found out the name of it. The same week, talking to Bing, he brought it up too (I'd been telling him about what God had said). So I went along.
Actually, I was a bit cautious about going there for a few reasons. One of the main ones was because I had heard of one of the co-pastors, Alan (there's three of them. Actually, I'd heard of another one too, because I was in a small opera with him when I was 10). He'd written a book called "A churchless faith". At the time I heard about it, I was quite strongly pro-church. I thought it was vital in a Christian's faith, and attendance was commanded, etc. In a way, I kinda still do, but as the ideal. I've become a lot more realistic rather rapidly, recently (and the alliteration award goes to...), and so I'm a lot more flexible.
ANYWAY. My point was that I thought (incorrectly) this co-pastor was all for anarchy - 'you don't need to go to church, they're all stupid anyhow!' Yeah, I dunno how I managed to still think that when I found out he was the co-pastor. The church does have a ministry called "Spirited Exchanges" (that website mentions Eddie Izzard, so there's a tick from me!), which seems to be a faith-discussion forum for non-church goers (or maybe anyone, I'm not sure yet). But, long story short, it turns out that he is the main reason I want to join this church. His preaching is incredible. Anyone who quotes Dostoeyevsky and plays entire U2 songs during his sermons (which he's done twice now) is okay by me.
In all my thinking about churches and the big 'why' of them recently, I've found that there are three reasons for me to attend a church. Perhaps they're better called three needs that I have from church. To draw me closer to God (in Spirit AND action, and whatever); to provide the fellowship that I thrive upon; and to give me a place to minister in (be that through active contribution, or tithing, or whatever). Worship (in the musical sense) is not on my list, because I have yet to find worship music that I can worship to. That's not how I work (I'm not ecstatic about that fact, but I'm easing into accepting it). Similarly, churches like Elim are missing something in their "messages"/sermons. I can't put my finger on it, but it's probably because I "worship through the intellectual pathway". And this guy's doing a Theology Masters or Doctorate or somesuch. He's written books.
Oh, and he has a blog, which is quite hardcore. Hopefully it'll start making sense to me. Here it is: http://prodigal.typepad.com/prodigal_kiwi/.
I said I was 93% certain. What will make me 100% certain? What will it take? Will it/can it ever happen? Well, as I mentioned, I have three church-related needs. While WCB fulfills the one, the other two are more difficult. The fellowship one because there doesn't seem to be too many young people there, the ministry one because I haven't bothered to look into it further. Hah! Or rather, because it's not like Elim where they throw you into whatever roles they can find until one fits. As an aside, I was briefly considering trying to get this Alan chappie as a mentor or something, and going to the Elim in Wellington. That might have worked. Or going to WCB and an Elim lifegroup.
But a conversation with Dave at Friday night's life group (did I mention that we're still doing those? They're really casual, but awesome.) kinda helped here. It basically dawned on me that those needs didn't have to be filled at church, necessarily. That if I could get my fellowship elsewhere (through lifegroup, and being social) and minister elsewhere (work, mainly - I'd say home, but I'm kinda feeling like that's a lost cause. Bad, I know. Lost cause not because of my family, but because of me, and my laziness and fear and comfort-loving ways), that would be okay.
None of which is probably of much interest to you, I realise. But it should be mentioned, as it may be relevant to later blogs (I have a feeling I may be linking to Alan's blog every now and then).
What else... oh, I had my audition yesterday. The bits that I had rehearsed (singing and telling a joke) went down well, but I was pretty average on my improvising. We had to act out a scene from our jokes, and then do it in a certain way. I wasn't prepared for this, so I basically blanked. Get this: they asked me to do my scene in an outrageous, flamboyantly camp way. Now, normally that would NOT BE A PROBLEM for me, right? :-) But I dunno, I just couldn't go over-the-top with it. I was way too naturalistic and, well, filmic. Ah well, we'll see. Maybe my singing will have wooed them (although my range clearly wasn't as high as they'd hoped, and I didn't even THINK of displaying my awesome falsetto! Gosh!), as well as the inevitable shortage of males any New Zealand dramatic production will suffer from.
Last night, Jeremy and I watched TANGO AND CASH. That was so very, very cool. I'm quite surprised we hadn't seen it. So very '80s! Thursday night, we saw A HISTORY OF VIOLENCE. Which was... I dunno. Goodish. Hollow. Violent (although apparently not as violent as it was going to be - the director says he doesn't like violence. Suuure, Mr Cronenberg, whatever you say!). I wouldn't recommend it, yet I'm kinda glad I saw it. Unsatisfying, that kinda covers it.
Maybe I'll see RENT again tomorrow night. Or WILL I? I could have seen it today, but I thought, hmm, ANOTHER DAY. On the other hand, NO DAY BUT TODAY. But I didn't really feel like going OUT TONIGHT. Will you come tomorrow, or will I have to see it WITHOUT YOU? It'd be great if you came, we'll bring a blanket and I'LL COVER YOU. And then ask, YOU OKAY, HONEY?. We might be a touch late - my car's bung right now, needs a TUNE UP. And if it breaks down, we'd be left ON THE STREET. But no problems, because WE'RE OKAY.
Well, that was fun.
Wednesday, March 15, 2006
Remember when I said last week had been krazy at work?
It's now official: my boss is actually getting a psychiatrist to come and see us all next Tuesday, to see if we're coping all right.
For real.
Good heavens.
In unrelated news, take a look at how to maximise your all-you-can-eat salad bar buffet at Pizza Hutt (offer only valid in China).
So why was last week so crazy? Well, there was the suicide on Monday, my illness on Tuesday (okay, not so bad), my work-mate's "I'm going to collapse and stop breathing now" on Wednesday (which I called the ambulance for), the U2 concert cancelled on Thursday (not so big, but go with it. One of my work-mate's was gutted), another workmate's mother collapsing from both a brain aneurism and a stroke on Monday... breathe... and a burglary on Monday.
I think there was some good news in there somewhere too...
This is good: Next time you see a Garfield comic, mentally delete everything Garfield (or Odie etc.) says. It makes for an hilarious, surreal experience.
So what was up with LOST tonight, huh? Pretty shocking, I liked it. Jolly good.
I've got my audition on Saturday morning. I'm underprepared and overconfident: that's not going to end well.
Music trivia: guess the song names (video link, VERY hard but very fun game!)
Oh yeah, so, RENT... I promised to write about it. Silly me. Did it meet my expectations? Yes, actually. Suprisingly, it was as good as I could have hoped for. If not better (one example: the end of the title track. And I think "One Song" was more powerful, somehow...). I think they improved on the show in a lot of places (and didn't quite reach the same standards in others) - at least, improved for the medium of film, that is.
I cried. Twice.
And I will see it again. Possibly twice (more), at the cinema.
See it. SEE IT. Darn straight.
What an excellent film. Aaah.
So, finally. Finally. How am I? I am... good. Enjoying work more than I thought I would, working on making that better. Part of me feels... rushed. Like I don't have enough time to do all that I want to do - although I do. I think I want to be doing more. That's an endless frustration of mine, the continual desire to be doing, and yet rarely knowing what to do. Projects fulfil me. I just need to be patient, something will come up (like this show; or something else. Or maybe I'll learn to be content in all circumstances...)
I hope that this post satisfies y'all! I've been missing so many of you (it's SHOCKING at how many times I see someone in the street that looks like someone from Dunedin - there was a chick who looked creepily like Abbey today, who must have been freaked out by my staring. Who else was there... a Penny lookalike, and... hmm. Oh, a Steph! Hah! Anyway...)
Actually, speaking of distant friends, I might mention that I am thinking of making a trip to Dunedin sometime before July (I can't be any more specific!) and I'm vaguely considering a trip to Auckland next month (anyone keen for a roadtrip over Easter?)... and I STILL want to go back to the States, but it seems highly unlikely that that will happen this April as I had hoped! Still, it's on my to do list! :-)
Saturday, March 11, 2006
How is it that we only started flat-hunting today, and yet the rent is already due... tomorrow?
That riddle will be solved soon enough. I'm really just blogging now to get a more, um, commentable post. Funny how some posts are uncommentable. Funny ha ha.
I checked out two flats today with Jeremy and Reuben. The first was good in lots of ways, except that the third bedroom was tiny. So that's a no-goer, unfortunately. Great location, though. In fact, I think location must be the selling point for me (at least, at this early stage of the hunt), because the second place was central too. And good, largely, but... I guess not quite good enough. It's only our first day of flat-hunting, and we don't want to compromise and accept something that only just makes the grade. That's what I think.
The second part of the title is easily explained: I'm going to see the RENT movie tomorrow night. Which is a very exciting thing for me, you can probably guess. I don't think I've ever anticipated a film more excitedly or for a longer time than I have this one (even Lord of the Rings isn't quite there).
Why?
Well, I'll probably do a Rent post after I've seen it (and to be honest, although I'm sure I'll love it, it'll be almost impossible for it to live up to my expectations!). But there was a time a few years back - I don't know when, it wasn't a conscious decision - when I decided that although objectivity in art criticism (PLEASE don't go into the argument that there's no such thing) is a Good Thing, subjectivity just makes it more... fun. I guess... I guess that's one of the differences between my movie watching and Jeremy's, to some extent (y'know, given that our friendship is probably about 50% movie watching/discussing/making, and I've
seen more movies with him than with anyone [which is quite a big call, actually!]).
I mean, sure, he can be subjective at times, but I think he prefers to be analytical about movie-watching (correct me if I'm wrong - and forgive me for dragging you into this!). And that's fine. But I really enjoy 'geeking out' (as I call it) about a movie, even when I know it's going to be poor (AEON FLUX, HITCHHIKERS GUIDE). The anticipation adds to it. Anyway, that's just an aside.
With RENT, it's part anticipation (5 years of it!). But I think the show itself (and I'm assuming it translates well to the movie) is such an incredible show, that it's justified. Which is why you all oughta see it. It really tugs at the ol' heart strings (if you let it), which is important.
Well, that's been a bit of a dull post. I'm going to liven it up by stripping down to a leopard-print leotard (don't ask why I'm wearing that underneath my clothes) and tap-dance down my garden path.
I think that will work.
Thursday, March 09, 2006
What a krazy week!
Work has just been nuts. I had to call 111 yesterday to get an ambulance for someone (not me). It's now been my longest ever full-time desk job (I think), and coming close to my longest ever full-time job ever. And things are getting easier - like the routine, which was my biggest issue. And coping with working in this particular job. Both things which, last week, showed no sign of getting easier. Which is nice.
In related news, my cold is slowly abating, and sleep is somewhat improving. Tuesday night I slept pretty well. I used to find it quite frustrating when other peoples' prayers could do what my prayers couldn't (excuse my bad theology). But it's just another way of showing our interdependence. My interdependence. Interdependence day, that could be good. Or Codependence Day, for the more maladjusted. Less adjusted? Okay, I'm tired.
So, at work, I'm doing my best to focus on God. Which is kinda theoretically a gimme. But at this stage I feel like I've got the hang of it - and now the only issue is maintaining that, um, hang. Which at this stage means living for no other reason and with no other identity than the fact that God loves me. Because fully accepting that who you are - the only part of your identity of real value - is the Beloved of God (and nothing else) is really the only way to be free (again, theology may be a bit wonky there, but it seems right). And suprisingly, it works. As in, experientially, empirically. If I can stay in that place of "I am the object of God's love", life is great (again, not that feelings or anything are an end to be achieved).
Sooo... the maintenance of said state (which presumably is a spiritual state, rather than just positive thinking). Aside from the obvious tool of prayer (did I just call prayer a tool? Ick! Forgive me!), I've found that when my identity starts to drift to more immediate but less permanent things (especially the bland - "I am a legal secretary/law clark at x law firm"), I just need to recognise that it's drifting. Same outside of work - if I start to think "I'm a blogger", I need to basically let that thought die (it's less passive than it sounds) and vanish, and replace it with the Truth of who I am.
Well, there's my lesson for the day. Lesson to myself, that is, those of you who might learn anything from it probably won't because it's foggily written. Pft, it's all good.
Speaking of identity, Carmi raised the Alzheimer's argument to the memory criterion of identity. As I recall (hah!), that's where the 'continuous memory' comes in. Person X was a young boy, then an adult soldier, then an old man. If the old man can't remember being the boy, the memory criterion would say that he wasn't the same person. The CONTINUOUS memory criterion would say that since the soldier remembered being the boy, and the old man remembered being the soldier, there is enough overlap to say they were all Person X.
Of course, MEMENTO came out a few years after that paper...
Actually, my favourite topic in my psyc papers was movie-related: "Did Charles Fear the Green Slime?" (or a similar title). No-one else in psyc really seemed to like it. The scenario posed involved a horror movie involving deadly (and scary) green slime. The question was whether a movie goer (Charles) feared the slime (as he appeared to). He rationally knew the slime couldn't do anything to him, so was it fear? Was he, perhaps, fearing for the characters? For those who are interested...
Oh wow, it's bed-time. Night!
Tuesday, March 07, 2006
Always time for a quickie...
... right before HOUSE starts. That's how you know it's a Tuesday. Funny, what's up with Tuesday blogs, hmm? Tuesdays and Saturdays, that's what it seems to be. Or at least, up until now. Now that I've brought it to your attention, I feel free to change that routine.
I was going to blog at work today, but it was too busy. And I'm very, very sick. So that option was way out. Correction: I'm probably only 'sick', but I feel 'very very sick' for two reasons. Firstly: the night before last, I got two hours' sleep. Secondly: last night, I got none.
Now, I've had my share of "sleepless nights", but I don't think I've EVER had one where I actually didn't sleep at all (except when I'm not intending to). Until now. I actually lay in bed for 8 hours trying to sleep. Okay, I lie, I went to the bathroom and the kitchen three or four times too.
But it made me think (well, what else can you do for eight hours in a dark room?). It was really very unpleasant at the time, but now - aside from feeling exhausted and sick as a dog - that discomfort doesn't feel like it happened to me. As in, the consequences are still there, but the memory doesn't connect with 'me'.
By way of explanation... back in my Philosophy papers at University, one of the favourite topics (mine and the lecturers') was the Question of Identity. That is, who/what am I? Or rather, how can we describe/identify the essence of the self? For example: I am my body, I am my mind, I am my memories, I am my soul et cetera.
There were endless scenarios that helped us think about these possibilities. For example, if a teleportation device replicated every atom of me on the Moon, and destroyed the current me on Earth, would Moon-me be me? Would I consider that death? Personally, I would (therefore I believe I am not merely my body). One of the leading theories (aside from "I am my soul" or some other supernatural construct/thing) was that "I am me as far as my memories of myself are continuous" (this was an extension of the "I am me as far as I remember myself", to eliminate problems with that theory).
MY point: in relation to this theory, the following scenario was postulated: If my mind (memories, will etc) was transplanted into someone else's body, and vice versa, and my current body tortured (while my mind was elsewhere), would that suck for me? If not - because the mind is the self - what about this one: I was tortured, but then every memory of the torture (and its aftereffects) was wiped from my mind. Would I still dislike that option?
That's what it reminded me of. And yet, as remote and detatched as that experience seems from "me"... I still fear it happening again, tonight.
Saturday, March 04, 2006
Two spaces is standard? Good heavens, how could I not have known that???
Now, I was PLANNING on blogging from work - although it would have been a difficult stealth task - but I didn't have the motivation. Which I was lacking because there was nothing to blog about. Which is a shame. I couldn't blog about what was happening in my life because, well, nothing was - nor could I blog about my thoughts, because no thinking time.
Now, of course, I can say: The Oscars are coming! (No, not the eagles) Monday our time, Sunday America-time. Most of you will know that it's one of the highlights of my year, and I have a little ritual watching session (with Jeremy - although Abbey and I think Reuben have joined in on some years. Oh, and Celia, of course!). So, if you're keen, feel free to come to my place on Monday night and join us. And if you're extra keen: register your votes. Although it looks like the voting won't be too exciting this year, but hey. We can but try. Unfortunately, it means I'll miss the (long-awaited, by me) monthly "First Monday" prayer meeting yet again, but it has to be that way.
I COULD talk about the movies (AEON FLUX; THE PRODUCERS) that I saw this week (better than I thought, but not memorable; great fun) or the Festival of the Arts shows (BRIGHT ABYSS - bizarre and funny; LES ARTS SAUTS - tonight) I've been to (oh, and the photo-display in the new Waitangi Park). Or I could mention the fact that Jen Lin is now living in Wellington - and she didn't tell any of us! Well, okay, it's on her blog, but... but... yeah, no excuse.
OR I could talk about how flat-hunting was scheduled for this weekend until Phil pulled out (today), making us wonder where to go from here (look for someone else or a three-room place?). OR I could talk about my job, or rather my feelings about the job (not that I could, I have mixed feelings. More positive than I'd expect, actually, so that's cool). OR I could discuss how I'm going with God (pretty good) or what He's talking to me about (radical, non-compromising stuff - communes, monastries etc. vs. churches. Again, I'm still riding this train of thought, so no more passengers right now, I'm afraid).
I COULD mention about my upcoming audition for another musical, and the difficulties of selecting an audition song. I COULD discuss my attempt to be a volunteer solicitor at the Community Law Center and how I feel about the outcome of that. I COULD talk about my shopping attempts of late, or what I do at lunchtimes. I COULD elaborate on the last post (needs for love and acceptance, co-dependance, expectations, trust).
Or I could rant about not knowing about the double-space thing. Honestly!
Instead of all this... I'm going to go eat dinner. Which I think is chicken.