Don't make me use my handbag!
Thursday, August 31, 2006
Modern Times
I just remembered what my last blog was. Funny how you can forget something that was so important a few days earlier. It was very refreshing and helpful getting all that off my chest. Getting it out there, sharing it, it really did make a difference. I recommend it.
Spiritually speaking, I am somewhat... not concerned, what's a less weighty word... whatever, concerned will do. I am a little concerned at the strong pull I'm feeling (somewhat self-induced) to ignore God. Not in a once-and-for-all sense, but in that day-to-day sense created by distractions. I don't think it used to be that hard. Some of it undoubtedly has to do with a change in environment, being no longer in a (specific) close-knit Christian community. I don't think it has anything to do with the Questions I've been asking myself recently; if anything, they have strengthened my trust in God, even (especially?) when unanswered.
I guess I'm saying that that is what concerns me more deeply (although often not as strongly) as, say, the things about myself that disgust me. Although I'm naturally averse to quoting Brooke Fraser (whatever happened to her?), "I've been swimminng in the wrong waters, Now they're pulling me down, But I am clingling to you, never letting go, Cause I know that youll lift me up." Not only do I know that God will pick me back up when I drift away from Him, but I know that when I fear that I will drift away from Him, that He will always lift me up. That it is in His hands, my faith. My walk with Him. And yet, I still have a part to play, and that's still hard.
Anyway, 'nough of that. You'll be pleased to know that us boys will be moving into MacDonalds (that is, our new flat) this weekend (well, the weekend after for J-Dawg). It'll be so nice to be settled. And close to town. In related news, we're still having trouble getting the bond from our last flat, although I found out last night that it looks like the landlord would be liable for a further $750 in damages, if we take it to the Tenancy Tribunal. On top of the bond, on top of the settlement we've already got. Man, it's hard not to be greedy about that, but I'd be happy with the bond ($300 each). The $750 can just be leverage.
Your face can just be leverage.
Okay, yeah, I've run out of stuff to blog about. For now.
Although, I could talk about Bob Dylan's new album... naaah. Haven't even made my mind up yet. But I will leave you with a random quote from it:
"Today I'll stand in faith and raise
The voice of praise
The sun is strong, I'm standing in the light
I wish to God that it were night"
P.S. Awesome comments last time guys, thanks heaps. Love you all.
Sunday, August 27, 2006
Saturday, August 26, 2006
Fear and...
What is this feeling?
So sudden and new?
I felt the moment
I laid eyes on you:
My pulse is rushing:
My head is reeling:
My face is flushing:
What is this feeling?
Fervid as a flame,
Does it have a name?
Yes!
Loathing!
Unadulterated loathing
For your face
Your voice
Your clothing
Let's just say - I loathe it all
Ev'ry little trait, however small
Makes my very flesh begin to crawl
With simple utter loathing
There's a strange exhilaration
In such total detestation
It's so pure and strong!
Though I do admit it came on fast
Still I do believe that it can last
And I will be loathing
Loathing you
My whole life long!
- "What is this Feeling?", Wicked.
It's been a strange week. Let me start by saying that I've caught the nasty cold that's going around, so I'm a little out of it right now. And I'm at home, my old home, on a rainy Saturday morning. It's quite odd to be living back here - particularly as I am living out of a suitcase (one more week to go). I feel surprisingly homeless and unstable (in one sense), and I can hardly wait to move into a place that I can call home. Quite interesting.
There is little else to note in my life this week. I saw Snakes on a Plane, and I loved it. But not enough to see it again. If you like the concept, see it, and you'll enjoy it. If you don't, don't.
WARNING: Intense soul-searching part ahead...
Now that that's out of the way, here's the strange thing: for the past few weeks I've been experiencing a growing sense of self-loathing. And waking up (or going to sleep) with a very real fear of the atrocities that I am capable of, and do inflict on others in small measures, on a daily basis.
Let me just say now that I'm not looking for anything by saying this - I know that I'm not (much?) worse than anyone else, and I know that God loves the flawed me and completely expects me to mess up as often as I do, yet still graces me with His mindblowing love. I know that in my head, and hearing it repeated won't help its transition to my heart.
I can't quite work out why I'm sharing this, then, but perhaps it's an unburdening. Perhaps it's a desire to shine the light on the dark places, if briefly, to lessen their power. Perhaps it's a need to confess. Perhaps it's an attempt to get to the next 'stage', the stage of self-acceptance.
Or back to that stage, rather. Because it's odd that until recently, I've been very self-accepting. At least, through my Christian life. Which brings me to the conclusion that this is a lesson, another of those things I need to go through.
Perhaps. Or perhaps it's not all planned and structured like that. Perhaps it is brought on by excessive sin, or just simply by a cognitive (non-spiritual) epiphany of self-reflection. Maybe I'm stepping back and seeing the way I treat my friends. The way I live life.
How is that? I manipulate; I justify; I lust; I condescend; I judge; I hate; I take; I scorn; I separate myself; I seek the easy way; I guilt-trip. These are just of the top of my head. The first three or four are the big ones.
I went to bed on Tuesday night after watching Boston Legal. It hit me, for the first time, how easy it is to go down that path as a lawyer (and just as much as a person) of fighting for what you want to be right, rather than what is right. No, that's not it. It's not easy to go down that path - that's the default path. That's the path that I naturally go down. I guess it hit me how hard it was to get out of that path. And how it had to be a constant battle to do so.
Take the flat. Our new flat. The one we kicked the tenants out of. It's easy to justify it, and I know that I would do it again. And I know it was within my rights. But I don't know if it was right. It's certainly not what Jesus would do.
And worse - I manipulate people. I manipulate my friends. Most of my conversation now is not talking, but debating. Or arguing. Sometimes because I believe I am right; sometimes because I don't believe I'm right but I don't want the other person to believe they are right; sometimes just to prove to myself - and the other person - that I can argue better than them. That's just plain evil.
And I look down upon people. I always have. As much as I try not to. And I hate it when people are better than me, or funnier than me, or smarter than me, or whatever. Because how dare they? I deserve it!
God, I'm a mess.
And this is just the tip of the iceberg. The nasty iceberg. The nasty iceberg of frozen mess. The pooberg that is me.
Ahhhh. That was refreshing. That was comforting to let that all out. And interesting, because you would think that such a negative exercise would have detrimental effects on one's self-esteem or whatever. I guess I don't loathe myself - I loathe the many qualities that I have that are evil. I loathe the sin in me. I loathe the potential sin in my future.
Basically, I am just scared. Afraid of becoming more evil, or doing more evil. More in quantity and quality. Afraid of hurting my friends, and strangers. And God. Afraid of losing my soul to gain the world.
What I need is the Perfect Love that drives out all fear. The accepting love. The warm, "I created you like this" Father love. But not yet. I don't think I'm ready for it yet. I don't think I'm anywhere near humbled enough or needy enough or sin-hating enough or wanting to fight the good fight enough.
But soon.
As a postscript, I will point out that this flood of whatever-it-is stems from one point - a prayer I prayed around the time of my last post (or even earlier?) that God would do whatever it took to get me out of my comfort zone and seeking Him and His holiness again. I just realised this now. And to be honest, my first thought was: Is it worth it? God vs. comfort... perhaps my biggest struggle. Perhaps our biggest struggle on this earth, as middle-class Westerners.
Oh, and Kate, I will try to read that book, but you have to remind me. I have a lot of books on my reading list at the moment (not to mention the ones I am currently reading). And Auntie D., I can't believe you told me that I thought like a woman! I actually don't even have a smart reply to that thought! Hehe, nice one.
I'll leave this one here, but I will say that I'm a little concerned about posting this'n. Undoubtedly it will put the wrong message across to some of you. Let me just reiterate that it was a cathartic attempt at transparency that should give no cause for alarm. Or pity! Unless you're Mr. T., he's allowed to pity me.
True story.
Sunday, August 20, 2006
An update?
Auckland is confirmed. Flights are booked: Friday 22 (morning) - Sunday 24 (evening) September. I am looking forward to it, and will (eventually) e-mail those interested parties with my info., but there ya go. It's nice to have that decision made.
We left the flat yesterday afternoon. I'm not quite sure what's going on with the bond and the inspection and whatnot, but that's practically all over. Another tie cut, another era ended. Living out of a suitcase for two or three weeks, with Dave and my folks. We went out to dinner as an ex-flat last night; now Dave and my folks and I are going out tonight for my Dad's birthday (and in celebration of his excellent Friday night concert).
Speaking of Friday night, life group was really good. And somewhat bad, in a good way. Here's what I mean: firstly, I got to talk about some of the stuff from my last blog (about friendship, etc.) - which is nice, because I don't normally feel that I can talk about that stuff (through lack of opportunities, not any restraint on my part - except perhaps restraint in FINDING said opportunities, rather than waiting for them to come to me... anyway). And although there was no real resolution, it was very helpful to be listened to.
However, the topic of discussion basically centred on "who goes to heaven, and what this means for us". Although the conversation was very good, and no-one really expected to come to a resolution from it, it left me kinda... I dunno. All twisted up inside. Spiritually disturbed, perhaps. In the sense of intense confusion, or perhaps spiritual/cognitive dissonance. Because I want (need?) clarity on this issue, and yet, I know that there is no way I will get any. None.
And although yesterday's busy shifting activities put the issue away, it came back up this morning at church. And it's not just a question of knowing the answer to the above question. It's a paralysing feeling of (perhaps) philosophical impotence. All my thinking gave me many possible solutions, but no way of knowing which is the one to accept and run with.
And this is more disturbing because I have recently said to myself that my spiritual flatness/apathy etc is distinctly correlated with my lack of thinking/contemplating etc (for many reasons - mainly to do with laziness and owning an iPod), and deciding to get out of my comfort zone and back into thinking/contemplating. Again, it's not so much that I can't find an answer to questions, more that no answer can be found, leaving someone directionless and entangled in the chaos.
But, as I hinted at above, this murkiness does have its silver lining. Or at least, I think it will, eventually. Because I know where this 'lost in the dark' feeling will lead. I know that God delights in making the wise foolish (if you'll excuse the implication that I consider myself wise, there - I do, although I shouldn't, but my point is a more general one). I know that, although I will probably always have this internal torment regarding the question of heaven vs. hell, and will probably thus not change my behaviour (as in, evangelise more or less) as a result of it, I will eventually be able to trust that whatever the truth may be, my acceptance of it is not that important in the scheme of things. That God doesn't need me to 'get it', for Him to work through and with me. That if He does want me to change my behaviour, he will have to change my heart, because my head ain't getting anywhere.
Eventually. Eventually I'll reach that start. And I'll probably neglect to blog about it, as that still quiet voice doesn't announce itself loud enough to remind me about how it didn't use to all make sense.
Unlike this blog, which is about as easy to follow as War and Peace.
Which I need to read some day.
Thursday, August 17, 2006
Shouldn't be blogging...
Should be PACKING. Should not be using excuse of "I'm overseeing the transfer of files from my old desktop to my new laptop, as the former will be out of reach in storage for approximately two (2) weeks." But... yeah. Nice laptop.
So, the braverism came through - thanks for the prayers, Aunty D. I did attend the "20-somethings (and maybe a few early thirties)" meeting at Baptist. It was good, but not quite what I expected. Or hoped for. There were 20 or so people there (more than I expected - apparently about half of those in that age group at Baptist), and... I dunno. I don't think there was anyone I really clicked with (not that I expected a 'click' at such short notice, but perhaps I expected an awareness of potential clickage). On the other hand, I think my expectations for friends are way screwed up right now. I don't know what I want (I'm currently going through a patch of feeling that I'm so screwed up right now, in terms of my personality - I'm going with it, not fighiting it; hoping it breaks the complacency I'm feeling, the satisfaction with life and myself). To be honest, a large part of me doesn't want to put the effort in; the other part of me seems to only want to put the effort in with girls that I'm attracted to - because I don't really NEED more guy friends, and it makes SENSE to wanna be friends with attractive girls, because then I might get a lucky break and hey, two birds with one stone (figuratively speaking).
I am screwed up. :-)
But knowing it is half the battle. So I don't know, where do I go from here? How do I heal my expectations of friendships and get back (assuming that I was ever there - or at least, closer to there) to that place of childlike simplicity where it doesn't matter who the person is, where they're from, what they look like, but that they're there. Or whatever - I'm not even sure in my head what it SHOULD be like, let alone in my heart.
Who knows what I want from friendship, or church. I think it's a question I'm tired of tackling right now. Perhaps contemplating it isn't the way it's going to get answered at this stage. But I'm getting to that stage of spiritual complacency, where being tired is something to be broken through, constantly, rather than used as an honest signal of having done enough. And to stop thinking/contemplating about an issue seems to be to stop fighting... I guess that's the point, the right way to 'fight' all of this (and much more that is not revealed in this blog) is to give it up, which is much different from giving up. That difference can be hard to pinpoint.
Which reminds me of something I was thinking last night, before the meeting - what does it mean to 'be yourself'? Where does my self end and my mask, the Imposter, begin? Where is the veil, the hypocrisy, the fake? What is the difference between someone who pretends to be an extrovert and someone, like me, who has to psych themselves up to 'be fun', to 'entertain', to enjoy oneself? Conversely, what is the differece between someone who, like me, is not always 'on' and sometimes is introverted, flat and quiet, and someone who is just not trying hard enough to relate to people? What is real and what is fake?
Does it matter, if they look alike? Surely - integrity, honesty, openness, they're all so vital to relating.
What I am really longing for is... no, I don't know if I can answer that. Newness? Freshness? Life, in abundance? Self-acceptance? To be holy, to be perfect? To be valuable?
Perhaps that's it. To be accepted by God in my horrendously flawed state (if only you knew). Although, I am. I know I am. But I forget I am. Like I forget He is.
Jesus, I want my focus back. No, I want to give it back. I want to give it back to you, and not worship the things of the world with it. To not be distracted by the lust of the eyes, the lust of flesh, the pride of life, but to be distracted wholly and completely by love - your love, for me and through me. Envelop me in it, overwhelm me with it.
Batter my heart, three person'd God; for, you
As yet but knocke, breathe, shine, and seeke to mend;
That I may rise, and stand, o'erthrow mee,'and bend
Your force, to breake, blowe, burn and make me new.
I, like an usurpt towne, to'another due,
Labour to'admit you, but Oh, to no end,
Reason your viceroy in mee, mee should defend,
But is captiv'd, and proves weake or untrue.
Yet dearely'I love you,'and would be loved faine,
But am betroth'd unto your enemie:
Divorce mee,'untie, or breake that knot againe;
Take mee to you, imprison mee, for I
Except you'enthrall mee, never shall be free,
Nor ever chast, except you ravish mee.
Tuesday, August 15, 2006
First blog from my new laptop!
Well, first blog from a laptop, I think. Let alone my one, let alone my new one! it's quite different from writing on my desktop computer (which I haven't decided the fate of just yet - it would be nice NOT to have to shift it this Saturday, but it might come in handy if [when?] this baby breaks...), but it's an excellent wee thing. A lovely replacement for the suffering caused by the flat-shifting dilemma.
You can tell when the price is right when you feel like you could have gotten away with asking for mor, but people are still shocked at how much you ended up getting. That's a nice rule.
Even though a cloud's white curtain in a far-off comer flashed
An' the hypnotic splattered mist was slowly lifting
Electric light still struck like arrows, fired but for the ones
Condemned to drift or else be kept from drifting
Tolling for the searching ones, on their speechless, seeking trail
For the lonesome hearted lovers with to personal a tale
And for each unharmful gentle soul misplaced inside a jail
And we gazed upon the chimes of freedom flashing.
That's one of the Bob Dylan songs I love to play on my guitar at the moment, or at least part of one. His protest songs are so moving and inspiring, it makes me feel like fighting for the oppressed. Then I remember that I kinda do, and I get kinda proud. But I really like that aspect of the job, I'll tell you that! D'you know, this past Sunday marked 6 months at the job? True story.
Jeepers, my computer just made a really loud beep and pretended to crash, but nothing happened. Luckily I had 'time' to save this as a draft. Strange, though.
So, hopefully that braverism will kick into gear tomorrow. I think it will. I had a pretty interesting afternoon at a law seminar this afternoon (although I had to lug this huge laptop shipping crate around all day, as it got delivered this morning and NO WAY was I not going to play with it tonight...), quite fun. It's amusing how nitpicky us legal types can be, though.
I have asked for - and received - Friday 22 off work. Now I need to organise tickets (maybe I WILL fly up and down, hmm... I don't really want to risk getting a one-way ticket in case my rides fall through...) to fly, and see the shows I want to see... and we've got a mini-holiday planned! Yay! That will leave me with 10 days of holiday leave... interesting... hmmm... ;-)
Sunday, August 13, 2006
Counting down to shifting... and spring!
In a week, I'll be living at home with my parents. And Dave. For about a month. Which will be interesting, and may feel like a step back. Back to early May, or earlier. Which seems a long time ago, but has only been three months. Anyway, it's only a temporary placement, before we move into the super-sweet mint flat. Hopefully it stands up to its name.
Speaking of names, any suggestions for a flat name? We've been the Royal Boys in Dunedin, and the Glen Lads (we live on Glen Road) up here, how about next time? We'll be on MacDonald Crescent, so it shouldn't be too hard. Big Macs is an obvious one, but I'm leaning towards The Royales With Cheese - especially given the reference to both a movie (Pulp Fiction) and a previous name. But yeah, gimme some more, okay?
So our sermon today was on Truth. Generally on the idea that being truthful and open in your general life will help you be the same in relation to sharing about the truth of Jesus in your life. Anyway, one of the passages quoted from was in John 6, and included the following verses:
6:44 - No man can come to me, except the Father which hath sent me draw him: and I will raise him up at the last day.
6:45 - It is written in the prophets, And they shall be all taught of God. Every man therefore that hath heard, and hath learned of the Father, cometh unto me.
It's really that last sentence that got me thinking. Every person who has heard and learned from the Father comes to Jesus. This interested me with respect to what I've been thinking of late about those who died without the Gospel being preached to them (you know, the one or two BILLION people). There's another similar verse about such people having no excuse not to see God all around them, but I had been wondering exactly what role Jesus played. Presumably this verse means that God would/had led them to Jesus, whether or not they knew it - if they sought God enough to be taught by Him.
So, laptop should arrive this week. And I'm still planning my September-Auckland trip (looking likely), and looking at my Summer trip. Oh, and a 20-something lifegroup is starting at my church this week, which I'd better go to, given I've been praying for one. And I will go to it, unless I chicken out on Wednesday afternoon. A distinct possibility. But now is the time for braverism.
Oh, and I finally got a contract on Friday. Yeah, it's kinda weird for a law firm to do that, but that's okay. I've been working on my old 'temporary secretary' contract for a while. Oh, and did I mention? I got a raise.
Which is nice.
Monday, August 07, 2006
So, we've taken it.
We've taken my parents' flat. At least, we've said we will take it and they've given the six weeks' notice. When we visited the place, we all loved it, and then there was the sombre post-inspection flat meeting, wherein we all told each other how much we hated the thought of kicking people out. It was actually a very hard decision to make, but once made, it doesn't seem anywhere near as hard. I feel mostly 'at peace' with it, as they say, although there's a small part of me that still thinks "maybe that was the wrong decision".
Well, alea jacta est, 'the die is cast', as they say. Now we just have to wait six weeks, or so. Four of which will be spent at my parents' place, with Dave P there.
Speaking of moving, I arrived at work this morning to find my desk in another office, with the two other more junior staff solicitors. The whole office looks much bigger now, and it takes some getting used to. I mostly like the change though, which is a bonus. Less wall space, but more floor space and light. And it makes things even more open plan than before, which has pros and cons (more pros, I think). Plus I can spend my day staring at Les Mills, the gym across the road. Above the Starmart dairy.
By the way, New Zealanders, Reuben pointed out this site to me the other day - worth bookmarking, I think. No, don't worry, it won't make you lose the game. :-)
Last thing - Pierre, Nepal-ish might be a little far from me, but I'll keep things in mind. And pass it on to David, who is considering going to India over Christmas/New Years too...
Saturday, August 05, 2006
Some answers...
I ordered a laptop today. I chose Dell - sorry, Gus. They had a very good deal, so I'll be getting a 1.83Ghz Core Duo, 1 Gig Ram, 100 Gig HD space, DVD burner, Windows Media Centre edition laptop. Which is nice. It'll arrive at about the same day that we're shifting house - that is, 14 days.
We're checking out the flat my parents own tomorrow afternoon, with a view to kicking out the tenants (in six weeks' time) and moving in. I must confess, I'm not entirely comfortable with the idea. It will be a great flat, but kicking people out just because you can... it's harsh. It's not doing unto others. I'm trying not to justify it to myself, but... well, it's tough. There are plenty of mitigating factors, but it still feels very icky.
On that vein, I spent a few days this week agonising over all my decisions (see the last blog). I think there was really only one decision that I hadn't already made - Option 1. Because although I wanted to go down to Dunedin, it would end up being quite a sacrifice. So, unless something pops up, I'm afraid I won't be heading down there this year (and to be honest, maybe not even next year). Which I have made peace with, actually. It made sense.
I still haven't decided about 2, the Auckland trip. I'm leaning towards "yes". 3 is looking pretty likely, thankfully. 4 - the laptop - is sorted (although now I have to pay my parents' back. I should really get my own credit card). 5-7 were just there to make the list longer, so it looked like I was more important. Now that they have accomplished that, I can ignore them. Hehe.
But yeah, option 3... America. Looking likely. Which is nice. Some details need to be ironed out (you know, like, ALL of them). When and where, mainly. It would be very cool to have a CE New Years' Eve like (apparently) happened last year, but I don't know if that'll happen (comment or email me if you're keen). I think I'll think about that one a bit later down the track.
No progress on the 'friends' front, that I have noticed. To be fair, I haven't been putting the effort in that I thought I would. Which is often the way these things go. Partly 'cos I think too much (i.e. I judge beforehand whether there is any likelihood of a decent friendship with a particular person, which totally prejudices [literally] any interactions therewith).
It's cold. But then, spring is just around the corner. Keep that in mind.
Darn it, I just lost The Game again.