Don't make me use my handbag!
Wednesday, September 27, 2006
Oh my goodness... I've just heard the greatest news...
Coca-Cola have decided - given the '80s comeback - to relaunch... this coming summer... none other than...
MELLO FRICKIN' YELLO!!!
How cooooool is that???
Discuss.
Tuesday, September 26, 2006
Auckland was nice.
Auckland was... no, not relaxing. Refreshing, perhaps. It's not exactly relaxing to be doing stuff all the time and staying up late. But it was refreshing to both get a long break from work (sure, it was only one extra day, but it worked!), and to spend some quality time with some quality friends. I can actually feel the difference it made, it's quite remarkable. Getting to chat and just hang with Sara/Jess/Carmi/Dan/Chris/Steph was really helpful, and enjoyable. Some good discussions were had, but as much was unsaid as said. Just being with these people was an incredible blessing. I thank them all. I needed someone to just be with.
And it was also great to see Beauty and the Beast and Les Miserables with Matt and Matt (and hanging out with them was great too - not just for the inner-city-hotel-roof spa access!). Even though I didn't think either were as good as their recent Wellington counterparts. But seeing B&B was important to me (and carthatic, in a way - helped me release my memories of the show, perhaps, or say goodbye to it properly), and I will always benefit by seeing Les Mis (even ones where dead characters get accidentally trapped in front of a masking curtain, and zombie back to life in order to stumble off stage again). It's actually a spiritual experience for me, that show. It's such a powerful encapulation of the gospel of grace, and passion... anyway, this is not an essay.
So, back in Wellington. It won't belong before Saturday, which is busy - Christian Lawyers Conference during the day and a Young Lawyers' Ball at night (for both events I am terrified that there will be no-one I know, and so I will feel AWKWARD... meh.), so full on. Hopefully in a good way. And on Sunday, I have to go to a new church. Ooh, you see that? I just said "have to". Eek, that's not good. I can't already be resenting having to search again, can I? Nasty. Looks like I've got more praying to do on that one.
Which kinda sums up my life, actually. Getting back on track, spiritually (I'm beginning to dislike that expression, and it's Christianeseyness - why is that? What makes us/me do that? Hmm...), but it's a struggle. At least it's a struggle that I'm feeling a lot more positive about, particularly after talks with Carmi, Chris and Jess. But it's still tough, and I still get very tired of fighting, very quickly. Ah well, them's the breaks.
We should be getting broadband tomorrow (after three and a half weeks of dial-up - ick!), which is nice. I wonder if I'll actually do what I intend to, and end up emailing more. That would be good. Perhaps I need to approach emailing in a different way, now - no longer like I used to, which was (about 2/3 of the time) with the primary motivation of blessing someone else (there it is again, that cringe! But I can't think of a better word for it than 'blessing'), but because I need it. Because I need the relationship, because I need someone to talk to (which has been true all along, I just convinced myself I was 'above' all that).
I should really spend more time talking to God. I really should.
Tuesday, September 19, 2006
Every Grain of Sand
I have gone from rags to riches in the sorrow of the night
In the violence of a summer's dream, in the chill of a wintry light,
In the bitter dance of loneliness fading into space,
In the broken mirror of innocence on each forgotten face.
I hear the ancient footsteps like the motion of the sea
Sometimes I turn, there's someone there, other times it's only me.
I am hanging in the balance of the reality of man
Like every sparrow falling, like every grain of sand.
- Bob Dylan, "Every Grain of Sand"
MY LORD GOD, I have no idea where I am going.
I do not see the road ahead of me.
I cannot know for certain where it will end.
Nor do I really know myself, and the fact that I think that I am following your will does not mean that I am actually doing so.
But I believe that the desire to please you does in fact please you.
And I hope I have that desire in all that I am doing.
I hope that I will never do anything apart from that desire.
And I know that if I do this you will lead me by the right road though I may know nothing about it.
Therefore will I trust you always though I may seem to be lost and in the shadow of death.
I will not fear, for you are ever with me, and you will never leave me to face my perils alone.
- Thomas Merton, "Thoughts in Solitude"
Life is frustrating.
And life is tiring.
I fear that my work is having a subtle, poisonous influence on me. I've noticed it this past two weeks. Even though it's not a problem to consciously block it out, I'm starting to wonder whether the things I'm dealing with every day aren't still working in the background; seeping though somehow. Maybe I'm just using that as an excuse for how I've been (re)acting recently, or maybe it's only noticable now that I'm weakened by these other stressors that are jumping on me. Bing's right (not about writing a song, I only steal other people's songs) - I think the trip away will be good for me. Regardless of what happens up there (within reason, of course!)
I feel like sighing.
But that's too feminine for me.
So I'll just go to bed.
Tomorrow will be a good day.
Sunday, September 17, 2006
I walked out during church this morning.
It wasn’t very dramatic, though. I was hoping titularising it might make it sound more shocking. But it’s not, really. I just kinda clicked and said “I’m outta here. And I’m not coming back.”
It could have something to do with the chronically awful mood I was in this morning, and most of today. But more of that in a moment. Suffice to say I had to leave partway through church (after showing up 15 minutes late – it hardly counts as showing up, I guess! I wasn’t even gonna go to Baptist, but I did – partly because I was late, I suppose), because when you’re in a bad mood, it’s a waste of time to be in church.
Well, generally. Sometimes it can snap you out of it, often in a really strong way. But you can tell when that’s NOT going to happen. And it’s often when you’re angry or bitter about something or someone in particular. As in, there’s an issue.
So, anyway. When I left, I knew (y’know, assuming I don’t change my mind) that I wouldn’t come back. Nothing against that church, or anything. It just wasn’t my type. It’s not the church, it’s me. Heh. I just couldn’t see a future with its members, maybe I’m just afraid of commitment. Maybe I just wasn’t really attracted to it to begin with. Okay, enough of the extended metaphor. I guess I’m trying to say that it was a (partial) mismatch. So there ya go.
As you know, I’ve been thinking this for more than a little while. And the whole time, I’ve been conscious of something someone told me when I was at Elim Dunedin, on the other side: if a person doesn’t make 7 (?) friends at a church within 6 months of joining, they will leave. On average. And as much as I hated to become a statistic, that’s pretty much it. There was nothing (no-one) keeping me there. Which is fine – it’s not meant to be.
It does mean that I have to start that God-awful task of church hunting again. At least I get next weekend off, as I’m in Auckland. Did I mention that? I’ve taken Friday off to fly up and see Beauty and the Beast (because I never saw it, of course) and Les Miserables (because one of our Beauty and the Beast friends is in it… plus, natch, it’s my favourite musical). And, of course, I get to see my favourite Aucklanders!
So, today. Was a shocker. My mood broke gradually this afternoon, after a long walk and stuff. And hanging out with Dave and Steph (she was down from Auckland for a conference/holiday this week – she’s flown back up, now) was pretty good, too. But although the mood is gone, it’s one of those dark clouds that still sticks around… because although the initial thing that brought it on has been dealt with, the deeper issues it brought up still remain… and I am loathe to bring them up on here, but…
Hmmm.
Maybe I should be tactful about this. Maybe I shouldn’t just spill my guts, for once. Which is surprisingly hard to hold back on doing, actually. See, I chose, a long time ago, to be open on this blog. I wanted to be honest, to be real. Because I thought that was the best way to connect to people, because I know how dangerous and yet prevalent the act of hiding behind masks is. I guess I’m worried that that’s backfired, and people see me as emo, God forbid. Maybe I’m even starting to see myself that way. I think the difference is one of motivation – I don’t want to be open for my own sake (which, I guess, is why I get annoyed when I get the ‘wrong response’, like pity or sympathy. Which I apologise for, by the way, I shouldn’t dictate how people ought to respond – especially in such an ungrateful way). And yet, I don’t want to be open as a means of manipulating people, or whatever. But for its own sake.
I’m not going to talk about this.
Before I go, I’ll just mention the comments from the last post and say that some good points were made – and some that I’d like to debate, but I’m just not in the mood. And it would be ironic/hypocritical (is hypocrisy ironic per se?) for me to get into a big debate about how I believe big debates are counterproductive.
Wednesday, September 13, 2006
I’m thinking of leaving my church.
Not The Church, but my church. In fact, the only reason I haven’t is because I don’t want to have to go through that horrible searching process again. Sure, I like the preaching and the approach and the open lovingness of it, but… yeah, it’s the people. I don’t feel a part of it – largely due to the fact that I haven’t pushed it. That I haven’t wanted to meet these people, hang out with them, share with them. And I can’t really place my finger on ‘why’. Probably because I don’t have anything in common with them – most are too old, and the younger ones are just not like me.
I dunno. Maybe it is time to start looking again, maybe not. I guess I don’t feel I’ve given the people at Central Baptist enough of a chance. Perhaps now that I’ve been away from Elim-style churches (what my pastor called “EPC” – Evangelical/Pentecostal/Charismatic churches) for a year, I have found my own faith (rather than an inherited or taught faith) enough to go back without that discomfort. Maybe.
But it’s not just friendships that I’ve been missing – my level of commitment with this church has meant that despite the fact that I connect with the preaching, I haven’t developed much spiritually. I’ve been challenged in my beliefs (which has been the best part of this church), but not in my discipline. More in my ethics than my spirituality, I suppose (whereas at Elim it was the other way around) – largely because I have only learned in a large group (Sunday service) setting, rather than in a more intimate discussion (life/cell group) setting.
So I guess I need both for growth (ooh, a rhyme!). But I wonder if the obvious answer (forcing myself to get involved in a small group of people from this church) is actually not the right one… I dunno, I just have a gut feeling that it wouldn’t help. Which leaves me a little directionless in that respect.
Speaking of … er… no, there’s no way to link this. You know how my recent blogs have been very blunt and introspective and perhaps revelatory? I fear that they may have been a little misleading – I often finished them giving the perception that although things were screwed up, I knew everything would be all right and was looking at it all with the right attitude… well, I mean, that was true, but not for long. I mean, it’s all very well to write and think these things, for example that a period of honest self-loathing is healthy, but it’s different when you’re blasted with it for hours or days on end. You forget what you said and thought and felt (heck, five minutes after I’ve posted this, I will have forgotten what I wrote!). Things have been tough recently. I don’t know why. I have been excruciatingly (literally?) sinful, often unrepentantly so (and that’s not easing up). I have felt desperately lonely (although admittedly, that one isn’t that strong any more – but it’ll be back). I have felt confused and lost. The revelations I wrote in my blogs about these issues were real, and did change things, but not completely. You don’t just stop feeling confused or lonely. Well, okay, you can, and often do, but not this time.
I guess (here I go again with a revelation that will seem more life-changing in written form than it is, but that doesn’t mean it doesn’t change things) the fact is that I am weak and broken and damaged, and that is exactly what Jesus came for – the sinners, not the righteous (although I often wonder how that replies to the ‘partially repentant’, like I can often be – which of course is not really repentance at all). The sick, not the healthy. And that that is exactly who Jesus loves – me, not my good deeds or lack of bad deeds, but the me who is capable and will do those things.
And that truth – that I should boast in my weakness, as in it, God is made strong etc. – is the most illogical, incomprehensible one for me at the moment. It is the truth that God has given wisdom to babes and fools like myself, rather than the wise. And I find that very hard to deal with, intellectually. Perhaps I shouldn’t try – but that’s how I work, I guess.
One of the things that I have been wondering about lately – and this does link – is this: of all the people who have ever been Christian (define that as you will – but there are billions), I am probably in the top… say 0.1% in terms of theological understanding. If you’re reading this, and you’ve read the Bible (or even if you haven’t, because you’ll still know a lot of it – and be shockingly incorrect on other bits, but that’s another matter!), you will be in that level too. Now, it seems that us in that 0.1% spend a lot of time and effort trying to understand the Bible, or rather, Christianity, and often failing (seen by the multiple doctrinal differences in the Church).
Now, going by the assumption that God wants and has always wanted people to know His truth (i.e. ignoring gnosticism or other religions), surely it follows that the important parts would be the easiest to understand and act on, right? Again, wisdom given to fools rather than the wise. I’m not entirely sure where I’m taking this, but I often come back to it when I’m pondering something theological or doctrinal. So I reach the point where obviously if I don’t understand issue x, I’m not meant to, so the issue doesn’t matter. Otherwise, God would be favouring us in the 0.1% over, say, Christians who have never read a Bible.
So what does matter? I guess love, and Truth (being God/Jesus Christ/Holy Spirit, rather than any individual aspect of truth, e.g. doctrine), faith, hope… possibly evangelism (being Truth) and Baptism (being faith). Everything else is secondary… An African tribal person (excuse the stereotype) may not know how God feels about gay ministers (unless you want to argue an intrinsic knowledge of the morality of the same, or the possibility of divine inspiration on the matter – both of which are arguable, but irrelevant to my point), to use a topical example. But that does not make him any less of a follower of Jesus.
Of course, that doesn’t mean that we’re not to use the knowledge and wisdom we have been gifted to discern the truth, but it does mean that we probably shouldn’t be as worried about it as we are. Because, if history tells us anything, it’s that we’re all probably wrong.
In other news, our boss gave us solicitors an extra week’s paid holiday leave today, to be used this year (preferably over the Christmas break), as a ‘thank you’ for working so hard. Which is not only nice, but it means I need to make some serious decisions and planning for the Christmas break period…
P.S. Joe – thank you very much for that comment. It really means a lot to hear that. And I’ve been thinking about you (and Justin!) a lot recently – you (both) need to e-mail me and tell me what you’re up to, and how things are going. Please. :-)
P.P.S. Oh, actually, ALL your comments were very thoughtful and meaningful to me, honestly. Thank you all.
Saturday, September 09, 2006
I know it looks like I'm moving, but I'm standing still.
Here's another random realisation - I've given up. In a number of ways. When I first became a Christian, there were all these promises of God's plans for my life. Plans to give me a hope and a future, naturally - but plans of using me, plans that I would carry influence, that His hand was on my life. Plans that I would do big things.
And I believed these things, to the extent that a whole lot of my hope was resting on them. To the extent that I would spend hours each day agonising over what next step I ought to take. Just check back to my blogs from last year, or the year before, and you might catch a glimpse of the frustration I felt at not knowing where I am going.
It's like two games. Firstly, the game where you're blindfolded, and you are led around a course/track/whatever by someone who calls out directions, but doesn't touch you. And you just keep going straight until they tell you otherwise. The other game is the game where you stand maybe 10 meters away from a line of people, close your eyes, and sprint at them. The idea is that they brace themselves and (painlessly) stop you when you reach them. Combine those games, and you have my early spiritual walk. A fearful blind sprint, occasionally changing direction when I've been told to.
But now, I've stopped. I've stopped moving forward. I'm tired of it all, tired of trying. Tired of being disappointed that I haven't saved the world (or anyone) by now. Tired that I haven't exactly reached a dream, by now. Which sounds a little shortsighted - perhaps I'm more tired that in no way does it look like I am any closer to anything like that than I could be.
Tired that my life right now is meaningless.
So I've given up. Not so much in moving, but in hoping. In dreaming. I've settled for the future that I can see - a lawyer, or a judge, or a politician. No more. Because I feel that dreaming anything like that is "selfish ambition". Is missing the point. The point being that, as Bob Dylan said, "as great as you are, man, you'll never be greater than yourself." That is, it doesn't matter if I'm the President, it's still worthless by itself. The point is to be with God. Here and now, whether I'm a contender or a bum.
And yet...
When I read something like this post of Abbey's (who is currently blogging like FOUR times a day, some days!), I long to apply it to myself...
"I find myself getting excited about (Sam's) future days - I sort of see ahead to what I just KNOW God is going to do next (in Sam's life)...but most of all I wonder if (Sam) realizes how fantastic TODAY actually was? I wonder if (Sam) sees the obvious revelations of God in the very circumstances of the day to day? God is THAT evident (working in Sam's life). Oh Jesus, your fingerprints are all over this one..."
And then I go down to my local Christian book store (now just over a block away from my home!), and pick up all those books about God's plan, God's hand on your life... on my life... about how God is faithful, and will use me... about how I need to pursue my dream... about how discouraging delays are the norm...
And I realise that I still have that dream. The dream of having a dream, and then living that dream. It's still there, beneath my comfort, beneath my diminished expectations. And I look past the people I see, those whose dreams I covet, those whom I compare myself to, and I look to the Bible. I look to Jacob, who waited (and worked) 14 years to marry his loved one; to Joseph, who waited God knows how long before his dreams came true; to Moses and his 40 years; to Jesus and His 30 (seriously, that must have been a long wait... I mean, carpentry is pretty meaningless, right? Right? Wood ain't gonna change nobody's life); to Abraham, who waited 100 years until he could procreate.
And I realise.
And I realise that just because it's hard for me to keep my dream alive, doesn't mean it's not on God's heart. Doesn't mean nothing. And the fact that I cannot see it at this instant means that I am in the right place, that I should work to keep that dream alive. But most of all, that I should keep going. That I should keep my eyes on the One who birthed that dream in me.
Because I trust that He is faithful.
Wednesday, September 06, 2006
I am lonely.
Now, I'm more than a leetle bit concerned about the responses from this blog, especially given the title. The last introspective blog (although this will by no means be as intimate or long - in part because of icky internet access at the moment. I'd dearly love to email some people at the moment, but easier said than...) got the 'wrong' responses from a number of people. That is, a response of sympathy/pity (sympithaty?), when I had stated that that was not the intent, nor an appropriate response (of course, I might have been wrong in saying that, I don't know myself perfectly!)
But anyway, who cares. Who really cares what other people think of me, seriously. So yes, I am lonely. Not in the sense that there's nobody there for me, but in the sense that I think (like I once used to, it seems like a lifetime ago) that nobody would understand me. Or, rather, that I'm feeling on a different wavelength to anyone I would be able to talk to. Or something. Anyway, I feel lonely. And that is a Bad Thing.
Or is it? Actually, I don't think it is. And so, like many things that seem bad when I blog about them (c.f. the self-loathing blog of August), I am nurturing and feeding that feeling. Or at least, NOT ignoring/smothering it with distractions.
Because I know that this very same loneliness, this same sense of "there's nobody there for me" (a lie, I know, but the emotion is still there. Which is interestingly equivalent to the hearsay rule in evidence law... LAW GEEK!), this need for another person is drawing me to You-Know-Who. And to those non-Christians out there, I know that this seems like an ad hoc solution, or a crutch (in this instance, at least), or a dogma or something, but He is really there for me. In Person. If you have never experienced it, you will not understand it.
But anyway, that is what it is all about, isn't it? The fact is, each of us is lonely. Sometimes (c.f. now!), it is stronger than it usually is, and it doesn't just go away when we do something or nothing. Sometimes we can convince ourselves that it's not even loneliness, because OF COURSE we wouldn't feel that! Just look around me, I'm popular, how could I be lonely! (C.f. me in Dunedin). But we all have some degree of loneliness, which, I strongly believe, is there for a good reason. Because we do all have that God-shaped gap, and this is one of the ways He draws us to Him.
So this is why I value my loneliness. Because in doing so, I value Him.
And God, that feels good.
Sunday, September 03, 2006
A new season.
I almost didn't get around to blogging this weekend...
But I've been meaning to write about September, and about Spring (incidentally, it appears I'm not the only blogger who feels as I do!). For the first time in my life, I've been looking forward to Spring. I never liked it - wait, I never disliked it, but I never really looked forward to it. Winter had a lot going for it - heaters, for example, not to mention a complete absence of sweat. Plus Winter has its coolness factor, as it is a season of greyness, and morbidity. But now - maybe now that I'm stuck inside during the day, or maybe because I've started to realise what a difference it makes to get up and also to leave work when it's light - I am celebrating the fact that it is Spring.
And September. Partly because I get to do cool things this month like see Steph in Wellington, and see Steph in Auckland (and some other, clearly secondary people, whose names I can't even remember :-) ), see Beauty and the Beast and Les Miserables again, go to a ball (probably), etc.
Plus it's kind of an anniversary thing. Thursday marks one year since I got admitted to the bar; the end of the month marks one year in Wellington (good HEAVENS). And I just realised I forgot my three year bloggiversary - August 23rd. Hmm.
Possibly most importantly is that September marks the start of a new flat - we moved in (painstakingly and exhastingly) yesterday. I have a great room in a great flat with great people in a great area of town. And, of course, not too far from my great parents. But it's good to finally have a place I can learn to call 'home' again. It's a new beginning, really.